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RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 7:38:45 AM   
slavetaboo


Posts: 408
Joined: 11/30/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavetaboo
I wouldn't say it even if I was thinking it. I would simply put it from my mind and serve his wishes.


For us, that would be consider withholding information from him and that would get a more negative reaction from him than giving him the information that I was not in the mood if I have permission to give it.

It is not my choice on what information to give or not give to him.  It is his and to make the decision not to share something would mean that I was retaining authority within the relationship. 

This is just to provide a different perspective on why in my relationship the information would be shared and not withheld.  Different things work for different people.

Knight's Kyra


I agree with your perspective on this entirely. However I'm very open with my thoughts and feelings. I don't think I've ever met a man who wanted me to say everything I am thinking. hehe. My point was that I would not put my mood above his pleasure.

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 7:39:33 AM   
DominaRapport


Posts: 34
Joined: 1/22/2008
Status: offline 		Thank you very much for your replies, it's certainly given us fodder for the topic here at home.

Lashra - I didn't quite mean it in the context of being ill or tired, simply their 'mood' being disagreeable.

I would certainly encourage an s-type communicating any illness or fatigue in that regard, their physical health is paramount over recreational activity.

_____________________________

Actions speak louder than words. Don't tell me about your sincerity, show me.

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 7:50:20 AM   
lighthearted


Posts: 1165
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline 		while I may not be in the mood, using that particular phrase isn't something I would do, I think there are too many negative associations.  what I try to do is communicate what my mood is - stressed, cranky, hormonal, whatever - so that he is well-informed about my state of being. 

sometimes the human side of me doesn't do the best job of communicating, and it ends up in a lot of disappointment, for me and for him.  this is something we currently are working on.  a lot of times, it adds up to me not trusting him to do what is best for both of us.  definitely not an easy thing for me.

_____________________________

"Thou art to me a delicious torment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

(in reply to DominaRapport)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 7:54:47 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: slavetaboo
I agree with your perspective on this entirely. However I'm very open with my thoughts and feelings. I don't think I've ever met a man who wanted me to say everything I am thinking. hehe. My point was that I would not put my mood above his pleasure.


I think if he could have a direct feed into our thoughts where he could tune in whenever he wanted.  Everything about us he is interested in; having all the information helps him make the decisions that he thinks are best. 

For us, it is not up to me on whether my mood (i.e. state of mind) comes before his pleasure or not; it is up to him.  I don't make the determination on what the priorities are.   

It seems that we have found the relationships that work best for us.  My best to you and him.

Knight's Kyra



_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to slavetaboo)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 8:16:29 AM   
slavetaboo


Posts: 408
Joined: 11/30/2007
Status: offline 		I'm not in a relationship at this time. I was speaking from experience. Again I agree with you except for your first fragmented sentence. I'm not sure I understood your point there. Realisitcally it's not possible to always provide all the information from now to eternity in advance which can impact an owners decision.

I'm not certain discretion means a slave is retaining control. Some things are just polite, you know?

It's possible we're saying similar things in different ways.

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 8:28:28 AM   
kimba1


Posts: 46
Joined: 4/15/2006
Status: offline 		hmmm, in over two years, I have never not been in the 'mood'. Like beth said earlier, it isn't really even part of my vocabulary nor mindset, and frankly, every moment i am with him i am in the 'mood,' and appreciate how incredibly lucky i am to be in his life and to belong to him -- that thought itself turns me on.

(in reply to DominaRapport)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 8:42:45 AM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline 		I don't think that I have ever told Master that I am not in the mood for something, at least not verbally. There are times that my body speaks a lot louderthan I ever will and he can tell if I am enjoying something or not. He may switch to doing something else, or if he is feeling particularly sadistic, keep going, feeding on the pain instead of the joy. There have been times (mostly during healing after surgery and in this recent joy of killing my thyroid radioactively) that health concerns have taken precedent over his full use of me, and a couple of times when I have been meeting a deadline on a web site for a customer that he has tabled his own desires, but he has also known that I would work myself into collapse to complete the task after he was satisfied. His wisdom has been to hold off and have an ethusiastic fully committed partner in the dance at those times.

poenkitten (who learned to dance before she learned to crawl)

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 8:57:01 AM   
OmegaG


Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaRapport

Such a negative phrase "I'm not in the mood" but we've all used it before at some point whether meaning it to be a shut-down or just an explination for lack of enthusiasm. My query however is would this phrase be particularly anathema if thrown out in a power exchange?

As blunt or slightly rude as it might be I can't see any particular reason why it would be a bomb. A friend of mine disagrees however if it comes from an s-type when their D intends something for them and they casually flip off the order/request/overture with the blunt "I'm not in the mood".

How would any of you deal with a situation where your s-type tried to simply blow you off with "I'm not in the mood"? (In reference to play or something you clearly want, not "I'm not in the mood for chinese tonight.")
s-types, do you think it would be a fair turn of phrase to use or would you find it overly blunt?


"Not in the mood" is a vague statement and I don't like vagueness as it tends to lead to misunderstandings.

If I was stressed about something, or angst, vexed at someone or if I have a turmoil of emotions that I have to sort through to find out what my problem is and what kind of mood I really am in then I should be able to convey that without vagueness.

I think the only time I've ever said I'm not in the mood for something is when I'm telling someone I'm not in the mood for their BS at the time and I don't see that flying well with him.

_____________________________


Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to DominaRapport)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 8:57:54 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		I have never used the phrase, not even in vanilla relationships.  It connotates a shutdown and gives no real information.  I would prefer to state what is going on... I'm very tired, I'm irritated because of xxxxxx, I'm feeling dancetty and need to do something with it ("dancetty" being jumpy, unable to sit still... it's a heraldic term that for a line that goes up and down sharply - see example under my sig)... whatever the problem is, just saying "I'm not in the mood" does nothing to alleviate it.

Cali
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  <-- dancetty line

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to BlackPhx)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 8:58:36 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavetaboo

I'm not in a relationship at this time. I was speaking from experience. Again I agree with you except for your first fragmented sentence. I'm not sure I understood your point there. Realisitcally it's not possible to always provide all the information from now to eternity in advance which can impact an owners decision.

I'm not certain discretion means a slave is retaining control. Some things are just polite, you know?

It's possible we're saying similar things in different ways.


Yeah, I forgot a couple words in that first sentence...  "I think if he could, he would have a direct feed into our thoughts where he could tune in whenever he wanted."

Let me rephrase to better communicate my thoughts...

Having all the information that is available at the time helps him make the best decisions possible.  If I am thinking that I am not in the mood, then the information is available and personally making the decision not to share it is retaining authority within my relationship.

As an example, if he wants to take me downstairs to the dungeon to play and in my opinion, I am not in the appropriate frame of mind for it, then I am required to ask permission to give him this information.  He will then make the decision on what course of action to take.  If I make the decision to withhold this information, then he does not have all the information that is available to make the decision he thinks is best. 

In my relationship, if information is intentionally withheld from him then it is retaining authority and being disobedient.  Using discretion does not translate to "don't tell him" in our relationship.  Using discretion means that the information is presented in a manner that he finds appropriate.

Hopefully, that is clearer.  This is how it works in our relationship.  Other people do what works for them. 

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to slavetaboo)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 9:34:25 AM   
subsfaith


Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaRapport

How would any of you deal with a situation where your s-type tried to simply blow you off with "I'm not in the mood"? (In reference to play or something you clearly want, not "I'm not in the mood for chinese tonight.")
s-types, do you think it would be a fair turn of phrase to use or would you find it overly blunt?


I wouldn't dare say this, but if I did, I imagine the answer would be akin to ..."like I give a fuck!"

< Message edited by subsfaith -- 1/25/2008 9:35:30 AM >

(in reply to DominaRapport)
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RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 10:17:34 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		I don;t think anyone who likes postiive energy during sex or a scene would be put off by hearing it.

A stuffed shirt ass hat might tho.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to DominaRapport)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 10:22:07 AM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		 
When I visit R. I leave from work and drive 2 hours to get to his house.  We have an understanding that when I arrive I need to pee, take a quick shower and change into different clothes, get fed and watered, and then my mood belongs to him.  If he chose he could demand immediate service but he prefers that I am energetic, enthusiastic and well fueled for the marathon.   

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to DominaRapport)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 10:27:33 AM   
junecleaver


Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline 		Sure, I've used this phrase and variations of it.  It's usually followed up by something like, 'Too bad.  I am.'  or more information provided by me.  My mood shouldn't run my life, much less his.  Feeling like not doing something and not doing something are very very different things.

_____________________________


"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to slavetaboo)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 10:27:54 AM   
FRSguy


Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		My response to this to my sub when she on a rare ocasion says this is somewhat varried.  If I known that there is a lot of shit going on or if she is sick than I do allow her to opt out so to speak from orgasmic sex however she can never opt out of getting felt up and she can allmost never opt out of satisfying me. If she has a headace then I might reduce it to give me a hand job but either way she has to be pretty sick to not be able to get me off in some way.  If I know that she perfectly healthy and there is no big crisis going on then quite frankly I have a really harsh viewpoint.  I mean lets face it ... its a fucking hole... literaly.... its never not a hole. How much work does it take to just take it for a few minutes. I can understand why someone cant like go into a full scene but considering the benefits of sex and the responsibilities of the partner there is really allmost no excuse for it. The way I see it if a woman wants an exclusive relationship with a guy and vise versa then there is a certain degree of responsibility to meet the other persons sexual needs on a regular basis or you are inviting that other person to have them met elseware.  This does not mean that if one person cheats its the other persons fault for not puting out... it simply means that its grounds for dismisal. With subs, they have to do what they are told and at that point a perfect relationship should exist because after all if someone does everything you ask them to do then what could be the problem but if you continually get the 'I am not in the mood' crap then something is definatly wrong and that needs to be looked into and not in a good way.... to me thats more or less vaginal freeloading.   

(in reply to subsfaith)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 10:31:36 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		Aww cmon, FRS, tell us how you REALLY feel.

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to FRSguy)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 10:37:55 AM   
smilezz


Posts: 2156
Joined: 6/18/2004
Status: offline 		Hi Kyra!

I agree with what you said. I too am to always keep Thorns informed of how my head is, so to speak. When i am feeling out of sorts as He calls it, it's funny that when i do approach The Man.......He already knows. (The only time i have ever with-held anything from Him is at Christmas when He asks me what i got Him......then i flat out lie and grin all at the same time.)

I can't even imagine saying "I'm not in the mood" and certainly if it pertained to sex!!


Happy Friday!!

~smilezz~



_____________________________

=It's not my fault that when I was a baby I was dropped in a box of Glitter & I have been shinin' ever since=

�*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,-:* �

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 10:41:58 AM   
smilezz


Posts: 2156
Joined: 6/18/2004
Status: offline 		Hi Alandra!

OoOoo! you said caning! *grinz*

As i said above in reply to Kyra, i certainly do have to keep Him informed.....AND! if The Man is saying CANING! i may be on my death bed...but i am still saying YES PLEASE!!!! .... do i need to beg more? can i beg more? what do You want a girl to do Master to get that caning? LOL!

Hope you have a great weekend!

~smilezz~

_____________________________

=It's not my fault that when I was a baby I was dropped in a box of Glitter & I have been shinin' ever since=

�*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,-:* �

(in reply to alandraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 11:12:34 AM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		I don't think I've ever used that particular phrase but there's been times I've indicated my head just isn't into something.  Even then, its rare because  I know that the best way to improve my headspace is to have a session.  No matter what I feel like when I begin, I'm going to feel better when its  over and often times I dread a session and feel alot of internal resistence until  we get into it.  I'm like this with alot of things, even simple ones like going to the grocery store, so I try to set aside my feelings and make myself do them anyway because I know cognitively that once I get going it won't be so bad.  Its not really about what I want or am in the mood for.  (If I'm in the mood for something specific I'm more likely to say something--something I've been working on--and Master generally obliges, good man that he is.)

Only on a very few occasions have  I opted out of sex and then only after I gave it  the good old college try--I'm obedience driven so if he indicates he wants me to do something, it feels  like failure on my part to not be able  to do it.  

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin


(in reply to DominaRapport)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 11:24:01 AM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear DominaRapport, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
For me, in my M/s relationships the first relationship I was in with my slave was always an emotional time in one form or another.  My slave being military and TOP SECRET things he had to deal with, he did not have the luxury of 'talking things out.'  So, I devised a word code, which is similar to the 'color safe word code' as to communicate what sort of mood he was in, as to adjust my own emotions and adjust how my Dominant style should be.
 
I would know if he said "Black" that this was a black moment in his world and I basicly was his support and very loose expectations.  I would find out later via news what things would be that he had to deal with.  Blue was another word code--when he was blue, I was his rock and support.  When military persons perished...it hit him hard, as he really cared.  At home and in private is where the military can let go a bit.  Brave faces for the public and their peers is another thing altogether.
 
When someone is not in the mood--it might not be the best of times to discuss it.  Forcing the discussion might not be the best either.  This is why the mood codes, to which can be created just for your relationship(s) may work.  When there is a time for Dominants to be out of their mood/emotions, these codes can be most informative to the slave as well.  I found often that a hug without words was the best that happened once a code word was given.  We didn't need to assume, to pry, to force its timing.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to DominaRapport)
Profile   Post #: 40
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