RE: "I'm not in the mood"

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RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 12:02:14 PM

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I can totally see Stephan's response to "I'm not in the mood"... probably would have been laughing "Life's a bitch, isn't it?" It certainly wouldn't fly with Damien either, or any dominant I'd respect. I would not want a dynamic where I could pull that and get out of something.

I can't really see myself saying that in those words. If it was something small and I was feeling lazy and playful I could see trying to pout my way out of it just to be silly which I know wouldn't work. If it is something that I really don't have it in me to do, physically, mentally, or emotionally, what I say is "I'm not in a good place for that right now." I guess that ammounts to the same thing, but it is more serious, means we are approaching dangerous territory, kind of my version of "orange", but what is important about it to me is that it isn't a refusal, or a limit. It is information, and trusting them to respect that and handle the situation positively.

_____________________________

~ Tigrita

There is no right path, only the path you take.

Success is making life happen, versus just letting life happen to you.

"Many of the things I enjoy, I enjoy because I don't enjoy them." - Charlotte

(in reply to LadyHugs)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 12:08:54 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaRapport

Such a negative phrase "I'm not in the mood" but we've all used it before at some point whether meaning it to be a shut-down or just an explination for lack of enthusiasm. My query however is would this phrase be particularly anathema if thrown out in a power exchange?

As blunt or slightly rude as it might be I can't see any particular reason why it would be a bomb. A friend of mine disagrees however if it comes from an s-type when their D intends something for them and they casually flip off the order/request/overture with the blunt "I'm not in the mood".

How would any of you deal with a situation where your s-type tried to simply blow you off with "I'm not in the mood"? (In reference to play or something you clearly want, not "I'm not in the mood for chinese tonight.")
s-types, do you think it would be a fair turn of phrase to use or would you find it overly blunt?

i can separate out my moods from my behaviour. my moods really do f;uctuate; within minutes, within hours, across days. My moods can be triggered by something someone has said, or by having to much to do, but mostly by not ful;filling my needs.
i wouldn't say i am not in the mood. i might feel it and do what He tells me to do anyway. Behaving in line with what he wants/needs always lifts my mood.
i would only gripe or whinge when there really were really serious issues in my life to overcome because i have learned how psychologically he masters me, His self containment and centredness. When i cannot conquor my mood i will ensure i get his attention and then i have recently learned how to let go and tell him the truth of what i am feeling. i have cried and gone down pretty badly on the mood scale.......so now i know it's ok......
not being in the mood or being in the mood are emotional luxuries......mood is an emotional luxury,,,,,and i am always stronger, happier, healed and whole when i have done for HIm what seemed imposdsible previously.

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 1/25/2008 12:09:39 PM >

(in reply to DominaRapport)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 12:17:19 PM

CreativeDominant

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I like to have information from the one who is submitting to me, especially when that relationship has taken on the coloration of an involved D/s BDSM relationship.

Let's face it...as has been noted on here, there are better ways to inform the dominant that you are "out of sorts" or "not in the mood" but in my world, whether I suggest something or state that something is definitively going to happen, I want to know that her head space is "off-kilter" from what mine is, if I have not been able to ascertain that from reading her mood and my interactions with her in the time preceding. It doesn't mean that I will stop what I plan to do, if I really want it or if I determine that what she is feeling is not relevant at this time, it just means that it gives me full information so that, if I choose, I CAN change things.

I suppose some could see "I'm not in the mood" as a way to try and control things, while camouflaging it as just providing the dominant with requested information...e.g....Dominant wants to do this...submissive does not and knows that if she uses the right phrase, dominant will change his mind...dominant changes his plans...submissive gets what she wants, at least in terms of not having to do what she did not want to do...but that would be manipulation and if that is what is going on, then the dominant has a deeper problem than just this isolated incident. Personally, I've known a few people that might use this trick but they tended to be in the vanilla world. In ten years in this now, I have only met 2 submissives that would have been capable of this kind of deception.

(in reply to DominaRapport)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 12:25:02 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slavetaboo
I have to agree with the ownedgirlie. I wouldn't say it even if I was thinking it. I would simply put it from my mind and serve his wishes.

For me, that would be lying to him as it would be withholding information he might want.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to slavetaboo)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 1:17:36 PM

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greetings dominarapport,

he expects me to tell him when i'm not in the mood. doesn't mean i don't still have to do whatever it is, though. generally when i'm not in the mood it's because i'm physically in a lot of pain, exhausted, etc. - this happens to me on a daily basis and occasionally (rarely) it affects my desire for sex/play. i've asked before whether he prefers that i just go ahead with it and not tell him, but he prefers that i tell him, so i do. sometimes, if he's also a bit worn down, we'll just watch a movie or do something else; sometimes we'll still do whatever it is that he planned to do.

respectfully,
annabelle.

< Message edited by hisannabelle -- 1/25/2008 1:21:09 PM >

_____________________________

a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to DominaRapport)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 1:28:02 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavetaboo
I have to agree with the ownedgirlie. I wouldn't say it even if I was thinking it. I would simply put it from my mind and serve his wishes.

For me, that would be lying to him as it would be withholding information he might want.

I am almost at a loss for how to best respond to this comment. I definitely do not want my response to include the feelings I felt when I read it. I have never lied to a man who has owned me. Quite frankly, I am just not like that.

You are assuming that I would not be truthful with my owner if he were to inquire about my mood or that I would not be forth-coming to him regarding my mood. The original poster stated that everyone has used this phrase. I have not. It is not my place to put my mood ahead of my owner's mood. The fact that I have not and would not use this phrase does not make me more or less than someone who has and it certainly does not make me a liar.

I have known four gorean men in my lifetime. I cannot tell you what they 'might' want. I can tell you that I have been trained to obey. If my Master desires me enough that he wants to fuck me then who am I to say to him, "I'm not in the mood". There are better ways to express your concerns, wants and needs to a man who owns you than by saying, "I'm not in the mood".

I wish you all a pleasant day.

_____________________________

For I long for a man with nests of wild things in his hair.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 1:34:51 PM

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We're not 'on' 24/7 when we are together. We have many ways we enjoy spending time together and they all don't revolve around D/s. If she really wasn't in the mood one day and expressed such I'd likely just postpone what I had planned and we'd spend our time together in some other manner. I can't recall her ever having said that but there have been a few times when I have felt that way. 2007 was a tough year.

If I want Chinese she better get in the mood pretty damned fast. Needles and cattle prods and gas masks (oh my!) can wait. Don't fuck with me when I'm hungry.

< Message edited by Evility -- 1/25/2008 1:36:40 PM >

(in reply to DominaRapport)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 1:35:37 PM

collaredncontent

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Joined: 1/21/2008
From: GA, USA.
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I'm too blunt to not say it, though I would never say it with disrespect unless my mood was compromised severely in some way. With Jack I tell him everything and I really suck at hiding things from him anyway. He'll find out. As the other few have said above I am allowed to say that I don't feel like doing something he wants and he'll take it into consideration. If he feels the matter is of little importance he'll let me slack for the moment, but if the matter is more important to him he'll have me do it anyway. I feel it is easier to complete the task when I've voiced how I feel about it first because then I am not resentful of it since I know he has heard my opinion and has taken it into consideration. If he tells me to do it despite my mood I know it must be important to him and that makes it easier becaue he would never compromise me. That's just been my experience so far.

-Brian

(in reply to thetammyjo)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 1:43:43 PM

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FR

Since I don't engage in any kind of 24/7 D/s, "I'm not in the mood" is a perfectly acceptable way to say "Let's not turn on the power exchange right now."

As a sub, I'd expect whatever Dominant I was with to respect that. As a Dominant, I'd respond with concern and ask if something was wrong.

Sometimes, there is nothing wrong at all, the mind just isn't in D/s space.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 2:08:43 PM

razon

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I used to say it and secretly hoped that my Dom would ignore it and disregard it... too bad he listened...

< Message edited by razon -- 1/25/2008 2:09:01 PM >

(in reply to DominaRapport)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 4:07:03 PM

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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

I'm not certain discretion means a slave is retaining control. Some things are just polite, you know?

What some people think of as being polite, others think of as withholding, being passive aggressive, and indirect which for them could lead to more problems.

My Daddy is big on me being polite, he is not a fan of my beating around the bush. To him, if I were not direct in the interest of "politeness" I can imagine he would be annoyed with me. It tends to work that way, when I hem-haw around about things in an attempt to not irritate, that irritates him... but that is just us

And yes, in my case, when I have looked to why I am indirect and why I measure my words carefully, there has been a tendency to do so to get it my way... but like I said, that is just me

_____________________________

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(in reply to slavetaboo)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 4:25:08 PM

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Thinking about it, it is very rare for me to use that phrase. Normally I say that I'm not feeling up to it, could I please sleep for half an hour or have lunch first. The times I have used it, admittedly only a very few times, were when I just felt off and wasn't sure why. On each of those three or four occasions, I've gotten sick the next day. So now I can hazard a guess that I'm coming down with something.

But he prefers more info than just not in the mood. And will sit me down and try to elicit the reasons, asking about my day, how did I sleep, etc.

_____________________________

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(in reply to juliaoceania)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 4:43:50 PM

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AHHHHH The classic paradox of the D/s relationship......savor the sweetness.

"~When I was a child, I prayed for a bicycle. I soon realized G~d doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness"

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 4:57:45 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaRapport

How would any of you deal with a situation where your s-type tried to simply blow you off with "I'm not in the mood"? (In reference to play or something you clearly want, not "I'm not in the mood for chinese tonight.")
s-types, do you think it would be a fair turn of phrase to use or would you find it overly blunt?

There's two ways of saying "I'm not in the mood". I require my girl to tell me, if she is not in the mood - as it is information I wish to have. The negative way of saying that would try to take away my control of the situation. Usually, my girl definitely communicates in the right way, though she is usually a little bit too apologectic for my taste, but that's my girl. Always more concerned about my well being than hers.

I don't remember the other kind of I'm not in the mood happening, but if it did, I would ask her to say that in the right mental space, remembering her place, remembering that she is mine and to defer to me. Hearing the displeasure in my voice is one of the worst punishment I can dish out to her.

(in reply to DominaRapport)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 5:06:51 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavetaboo
I have to agree with the ownedgirlie. I wouldn't say it even if I was thinking it. I would simply put it from my mind and serve his wishes.

For me, that would be lying to him as it would be withholding information he might want.

I think slavetaboo's words are being misunderstood. First, I did not write that I would withhold information, and I don't think that's what slavetaboo meant, either. In my case, I want for my Master whatever he wants, above and beyond what I might have wanted for myself. For example, there are certain things he does with me that are not pleasurable experiences for me at all. But he wants to do it. If, every time he began moving toward that activity, I told him I didn't feel like doing it...or I didn't enjoy doing it...or I didn't want to do it...he'd get a little tired of that. He knows overall how I feel about things. He knows if I'm ill, or if I'm scared (I tell him those things). But if I'm just "not in the mood?" I suck it up and GET in the mood. After the fact I tell him I struggled a bit with my headspace at first but corrected it.

By now, he expects me to self correct, and only if I'm having trouble with that do I tell him, by asking for his help. I don't think anyone here is advocating lying to one's Dominant.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 5:15:15 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavetaboo
I have to agree with the ownedgirlie. I wouldn't say it even if I was thinking it. I would simply put it from my mind and serve his wishes.

For me, that would be lying to him as it would be withholding information he might want.

And so it would, for me. It is hard for my girl to tell that she is not in the right mindspace. I require it, because I know she instinctively puts my every whim as more important than her health and safety. I will not allow her to hurt herself while in my service; not without consciously deciding that it is the course of action I want.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 5:55:07 PM

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i dont think i've ever used it with my Owner, i know better.

however, i have used i'm not feeling well (that time of the month and the horrendous cramping that i get) a couple of times to get out of a spanking which He knows (or should) that if i'm not up for a spanking....something is definitly wrong w/ me.

~meticoulous~

(in reply to thetammyjo)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 6:49:04 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
By now, he expects me to self correct, and only if I'm having trouble with that do I tell him, by asking for his help. I don't think anyone here is advocating lying to one's Dominant.

I agree whole heartedly with owned and would like to add. I am expected to tell him if something is wrong or I am sick but “I am not in the mood” Just isn't going to fly with him, I couldn’t bring my self to say it even if it would. I am his to use as he sees fit, when he sees fit. In my mind if I could say “oh, I am not in the mood tonight” how much of myself would I really be given? In my mind that is like saying I will only submit when the mood strikes me to.

We have spent years building a relationship based upon trust, he knows me and my moods better then I know myself. So I trust him to use me in ways that are best for me.

_____________________________

peach ~ LordandMasters devoted alpha slave
"Only when the year has grown cold does one know that the pine and cypress are the last to wither"

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 10:23:18 PM

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I someone used the term "I'm not in the mood" as some passive aggressive manipulation tactic, well then you've got problems.

If someone used the term "I'm not in the mood" just being honest about it, then it's just information for the authority person to add to the pile.

But for me, if I'm asked "hey you want to go see this bloody horror movie tonight?" and I say "You know, I'm really not in the mood, I'm more in a comedy mood." I really don't see the issue. Sometimes kinky people take simple things and make them so overcomplicated.

Yeah, if he's the one in charge, and decides to go see a bloody movie, then we'll go. I might enjoy it anyway, I might not enjoy it as much as I would have on another night, who knows. We're doing what he wants so it's done.

But unless you're being intentionally sadistic, why ask about the mood if you won't let it be part of the decision making process?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to LaMspeach)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 10:39:37 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaRapport

Such a negative phrase "I'm not in the mood" but we've all used it before at some point whether meaning it to be a shut-down or just an explination for lack of enthusiasm. My query however is would this phrase be particularly anathema if thrown out in a power exchange?

That phrase would be completely unacceptable in this house because it convey's nothing. 'I've got a cold.' 'My endo is acting up.' 'I'm sad because ABC is happening.' All acceptable and gives him information to make decisions. 'I'm not in the mood' means diddly squat .. 'why' I'm not in the mood is communicating. "I just don't feel like it" doesn't go over well, either.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to DominaRapport)

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