RE: "I'm not in the mood"

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RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/25/2008 10:53:39 PM

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I do not view the phrase itself as being overtly negative. I view it as an opening statement needing further clarification. "How are you feeling?" "Is there something you need to talk about?" Would be the follow up questions.

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(in reply to DominaRapport)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/26/2008 7:10:10 AM

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it depends how its said and who is saying it .. sulky passive aggressive submissives will make that a blunt object statement ... from me I dont think I would ever use it because I was lazy or couldn't be bothered to serve.

I agree with most on here that it is important to give Ds the information about your mood ... they may not want a sulky slave giving a blow job nd would rather go without ... it will vary from dynamic to dynamic what happens with that information .. I have been with Ds before who would push on regardless of my mood .. and have had others who give me time/space to get back into the groove or adapted the service they want to what i am comfortable with at the time.

I know I wouldn't be happy in a dynamic that totally disregarded my feelings and mind space, it wouldn't be a good atmosphere for my best service. That doesn't mean i am a toppy sub or want to dictate the dynamic ... but I would hope that my emotional state, or mindset was taken into consideration. I have needs that i require to be met in order to be contented, if i am not contented i wont give the best service i can, and i want to give good service. I know I would leave any dynamic that wasn't meeting my needs.

If that makes me a bad submissive, then I am a bad submissive, but its who I am and what I need

safe journeys
*S*

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RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/26/2008 7:47:14 AM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: razon

I used to say it and secretly hoped that my Dom would ignore it and disregard it... too bad he listened...

~puts on the flame suit~. This is going to sound a bit snarky and I apologize beforehand to those who have never done the above but who understand it...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh...the above statement is a perfect example of the contrariness of some humans. How exactly does the dominant "get it right" in a situation such as that? Unless, of course, you had made him aware in open and honest discussions that you sometimes wanted him to ignore that. Oh wait...I see that you SECRETLY hoped...so obviously he did not know and you had never told him.

I like courtesy and civility and having information. As celeste noted, "I'm not in the mood" conveys nothing to me and can come across as sulkiness and, as noted by others including myself on here, an attempt to control things. I like the terms "Yes, Sir" (self-explanatory), "if you wish/want/really want to" (an indication that she may not really want to/like doing it and some questioning may be in order) or "ONLY if you wish," (a deeper indication that something is wrong or that she really does not want to do whatever it is and that there needs to be a discussion). I do believe in taking a submissive's feelings about something into account. There are, after all, two people in the relationship. Ignoring her feelings and her indicators every time is going to lead to a submissive...IMO...that soon learns that her feelings do not matter to you, just as much as discussion of what is bothering her and then, always ignoring her feelings is going to. But there have been times when I have listened to my submissive's feelings about something, stated what I felt about their importance to the situation at hand and pressed on anyway. But there have also been those times when I have listened to her feelings, decided that she was not in the right frame of mind and had a valid reason for not pressing on and I did not do so at that time.

< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 1/26/2008 7:58:31 AM >

(in reply to razon)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/26/2008 7:53:45 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

quote:

ORIGINAL: razon

I used to say it and secretly hoped that my Dom would ignore it and disregard it... too bad he listened...

~puts on the flame suit~. This is going to sound a bit snarky and I apologize beforehand to those who have never done the above but who understand it...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh...the above statement is a perfect example of the contrariness of some humans. How exactly does the dominant "get it right" in a situation such as that? Unless, of course, you had made him aware in open and honest discussions that you sometimes wanted him to ignore that. Oh wait...I see that you SECRETLY hoped...so obviously he did not know and you had never told him.

This is why I used to be an asshole, and just bore in until I forced women to make admissions of what they really wanted from me.

The passive agressive crap would finally get on my nerves to the point that I just didn't care-I was going to crack that nut or bounce it to the curb.

I don;t much care for princesses who can't freaking just admit they have desires.

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(in reply to CreativeDominant)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/26/2008 8:12:42 AM

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Take off the flame-retardant suit, CD; I agree with you. Expecting anyone to guess what I'm really thinking is unproductive and generally would lead to disappointment. IMO that leads to some passive-aggressive thinking that could easily be avoided if I communicate directly.

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"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
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(in reply to CreativeDominant)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/26/2008 10:48:35 AM

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Why can't submissives just ask when they want something? Where does it say all the initiatives have to come from the Dom/me.
I tell or do, they ask.
D/s dynamic.
They need a good reason to indicate that they don't want to do something.
I don't.
However when it comes to sex Doms have the advantage over Dommes who are hetrosexual. It's difficult to have vaginal penetrative sex with a male slave if he isn't interested. Just one of nature's little jokes.
And am I going to cane him to get him interested. I don't think so.
Now let me think why did I want to take the time and trouble to train/control a slave.
Ah yes because D/s and administering pain turns me on.
And what do we all want when we are turned on?
And why do we make ltr relationships and live together.
Ah yes it means we have more time together to indulge ourselves apart from the other benefits.
Those relationships where there is not matched libido for sex or BDSM are going to fail unless there are other strong reasons to stay together.

(in reply to catize)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/26/2008 11:30:45 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant <SNIPPED>

I like courtesy and civility and having information. As celeste noted, "I'm not in the mood" conveys nothing to me and can come across as sulkiness and, as noted by others including myself on here, an attempt to control things. I like the terms "Yes, Sir" (self-explanatory), "if you wish/want/really want to" (an indication that she may not really want to/like doing it and some questioning may be in order) or "ONLY if you wish," (a deeper indication that something is wrong or that she really does not want to do whatever it is and that there needs to be a discussion). I do believe in taking a submissive's feelings about something into account. There are, after all, two people in the relationship. Ignoring her feelings and her indicators every time is going to lead to a submissive...IMO...that soon learns that her feelings do not matter to you, just as much as discussion of what is bothering her and then, always ignoring her feelings is going to. But there have been times when I have listened to my submissive's feelings about something, stated what I felt about their importance to the situation at hand and pressed on anyway. But there have also been those times when I have listened to her feelings, decided that she was not in the right frame of mind and had a valid reason for not pressing on and I did not do so at that time.

I'm agreeing with you wholeheartedly on this one CD. Sometimes there is good reason to be not in the mood. Then it's up to both of you to decide whether the reason is valid or not. To constantly give in to "not in the mood" may show a lack of imagination on the Doms part to where he can't figure out how to get her in the mood. Just snapping your fingers and poof! it happens doesn't work. To push the issue due to a control thing where "I said so" can almost guarantee a half-hearted effort on her part. To comply just because instead of willingly...there's a huge difference there. How much will you enjoy what you're doing if you have to work at getting her to do it?

It's a double-edge sword in that, on the sub's part, not being in the mood can mean a feeling of failure. Sometimes she can put forth the effort honestly and still not come up to standard. Sometimes she cannot even bring herself to put forth any effort for whatever reason. And before someone jumps in with the "that's what having a slave heart is all about"....that's what being human is all about. If I'm "not in the mood" for sex, maybe I can be put into the mood, maybe I can't. If I'm "not in the mood" for bdsm play, maybe I can get there with effort, maybe I can't. How much are you gonna enjoy fucking or beating me knowing that I'm basically a piece of meat sitting still for you?

Communication and honesty I think are paramount. Find out the reason and work through it. Using "I'm not in the mood" is a lame excuse unless there is a reason behind it. And it involves work on both parts to have a satisfactory conclusion.

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It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/26/2008 5:10:49 PM

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I'm envious of all of you who always know what's wrong. Because I don't. There are times I just know I really am not in the mood and don't have a reason.

As I said, since mostly this seems to be the day before I get sick, I can now hazard a guess and append "I think I'm coming down with something". But the first few times it happened I didn't know what was wrong and hadn't had it happen enough with a cold the next day to give him anymore information other than "I'm just not in the mood".

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RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/26/2008 5:36:39 PM

Twice

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I'm on medication that kills my sex drive... even occasionally disgusts me with sex... and that's an issue my Dom and I had to work real hard to understand within each other. Because if He pushes me, I have panic attacks and feel miserable. If I don't please Him, He is unhappy and so am I. So we had many a compromise to work out, but it's going well now. :D

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(in reply to thetammyjo)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/26/2008 8:30:07 PM

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Honesty's important. As AquaticSub suggested, a sub may still be required to perform despite her mood, but this isn't to say that she shouldn't express her mood.

(in reply to DominaRapport)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/26/2008 8:36:42 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I'm envious of all of you who always know what's wrong. Because I don't. There are times I just know I really am not in the mood and don't have a reason.

This is very true for me as well. I have difficulty finding the words to communicate my thoughts and feelings. Many times I can only manage that things are just off.

I don't envy those who easily find the words they wish to say; I enjoy the mental exercise to verbalize what is in my head.

Knight's Kyra

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"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/26/2008 9:07:04 PM

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quote:

Sometimes kinky people take simple things and make them so overcomplicated.

I would say that this entire matter of taking 5 words and loading them with so much meaning would definitely be overcomplicating things...

And I agree, there are many things I am not in the mood for... just today he asked me if I wanted Mexican food, and I opted to tell him.. "Ya know, I am not really in the mood for Mexican... we had that last night"... and he never once thought me less for it.

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(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/26/2008 11:23:34 PM

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*GASP!!* How can anyone not be in the mood for Mexican food????!!

I love Mexican food (can you tell?)

(in reply to juliaoceania)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/27/2008 3:14:38 AM

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I don't mind how they say it or with what words. It is hard to express yourself when you feel down for what ever reason.
For me I find it important that they talk about it, so we can solve it.
Yes with a slave it is possible to ignore, but I don't like broken toys.

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(in reply to ownedgirlie)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/27/2008 6:50:14 AM

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i learned that for me, i should not allow my 'mood' to be a decision factor in most anything. Yesterday, i was NOT in the mood for chinese but my son was so we went and frankly once i got there and smelled all the delicious smells i was happily munching pepper steak and sesame chicken. i have NOT been in the mood for sex, a legitimate headache, but lo and behold the headache went away as a result of having sex anyway. i can be 'too tired' to do something but if i suck it up and do it anyway its amazing how i can get that second wind of energy. Letting Master know there is a problem or a condition that may limit my service is important but 'i'm not in the mood' isn't what i consider a condition or limitation.

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RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/27/2008 7:18:58 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaRapport

Such a negative phrase "I'm not in the mood" but we've all used it before at some point whether meaning it to be a shut-down or just an explination for lack of enthusiasm. My query however is would this phrase be particularly anathema if thrown out in a power exchange?

As blunt or slightly rude as it might be I can't see any particular reason why it would be a bomb. A friend of mine disagrees however if it comes from an s-type when their D intends something for them and they casually flip off the order/request/overture with the blunt "I'm not in the mood".

How would any of you deal with a situation where your s-type tried to simply blow you off with "I'm not in the mood"? (In reference to play or something you clearly want, not "I'm not in the mood for chinese tonight.")
s-types, do you think it would be a fair turn of phrase to use or would you find it overly blunt?

I don't think I've ever used that phrase in regards to sex or play. I'm pretty sure I've used it as 'I'm not in the mood for Chinese food'. If I don't feel right for sex/play whatever, I just tell him without using a code phrase. There is no way he would be able to know what was going on with me if I said 'not in the mood'. So instead I say 'please I'd rather not because of XY or Z'. The former I consider to be a rude statement and the latter explicitly states what is going on with me. He wants to know that, he does not want to be given a stock phrase which means nothing except for a verbal barrier. Yes there are a lot of times when I have to say 'please I'd rather not' because of my body. He would be disappointed and possibly angry if I ignored that to please him because in the end it would be a disservice to lie or prevaricate. Avoiding the real problem, becomes a problem.

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(in reply to DominaRapport)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/27/2008 7:22:24 AM

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quote:

i learned that for me, i should not allow my 'mood' to be a decision factor in most anything.

When it comes to big decisions, or decisions concerning the welfare of those I love, I agree with you, I do not let my mood dictate my course of action (especially when it comes to how I act toward others). I used to go along with everyone else's desires, never voice my own, and treat other people as though their wishes were more important than my own. I do not do that anymore, and I have gotten more that way due to my submission than I was before. My opinions and feelings, and what I desire are important to my Daddy, and I have internalized this as my wants and desires being important period. I am important... and no one else's desires are more valid than my own. Now that doesn't mean we do not do what he wants when he wants it, we do, but my desires and moods are just as important as anyone else's. I voice them.

I suppose that part of my recovery from being depressed is not acting in a way that is contrary to my true feelings and inclinations... going along to get along... it isn't expected of me. I am so very grateful for that.

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Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to eyesopened)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/27/2008 7:34:01 AM

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There are times when I'm not in the mood but feel bad about it. I get hung up on all those ideas of what a sub "should be" and "should do" and sometimes I just try to grit my teeth and bear it, even though sexual contact with me when I'm not open to it has a very negative reaction in my head. Lucky for me, Sire is very good at reading me and he can always tell - usually before it comes to that - and asks me what's wrong.

Lately though the problem hasn't been "I'm not in the mood" but rather "I'm not in the mood for that". For instance Sire really wants to have sex with me this weekend but what I'm lusting after is some hard play, maybe the cutting scene we've been planning for the last month. However I know that asking for something too much is just as good as whining so since I've already let him know that I am "very open" to doing that if he would like this weekend I won't be saying anything else. The only thing I can think of at this point is body language, making sure I respond well if he walks by and pulls my hair or casually grabs my throat, but I'm not dressing or acting very sexual persay otherwise. No clue how well this will work, guess I'll have to let you know later. Heehee

(in reply to thetammyjo)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/27/2008 9:27:02 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
*GASP!!* How can anyone not be in the mood for Mexican food????!!

I love Mexican food (can you tell?)

LOL In talking about how I'd survive without my partner here I told him "I think you far underestimate my ability to eat Chipotle's everyday."

Not that it's "real" mexican food, but it was still a great point, and very true.

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(in reply to ownedgirlie)

RE: "I'm not in the mood" - 1/28/2008 5:57:17 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord

Honesty's important. As AquaticSub suggested, a sub may still be required to perform despite her mood, but this isn't to say that she shouldn't express her mood.

Yep ... yep.. and yep!

BadOne

(in reply to CuriousLord)

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