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Sister Joan, by Paul Gilmartin
"Sister Joan, age 54, ignores the desert sun,
The stranded church bus smoking, no sign of anyone.
Buzzards circle overhead, panic starts to set.
The kids are getting restless, her habit soaked with sweat.
The minutes become hours, she wobbles in the heat.
Then, a distant engine roars, approaching from the East.
She squints through horn-rimmed glasses, her pure heart skips a beat.
Snake McGinty's Harley Hog, parts the dusty heat.
Black leather-clad from head to toe, his eyelids barely open,
Sister Joan says, "Holy Ghost, please tell me that you're joking."
He parks his bike, stands six foot four, then gives her a nod.
Through leather pants his manhood shows, she rolls her eyes at God.
"Havin' trouble?", he barely mumbles. "Yes sir", she replies.
He pops the hood, takes off his shirt, she covers up her eyes.
"Kids", she says, "Back on the bus. Everyone be good."
Her fingers part, her eyes take in his reflection off the hood.
She grips her rosary tight with guilt and stares down at her socks.
Her mind protects her vows with God, but her body picks the lock.
He bends to check the fan belt, her nipples say, "Hello".
Her eyes climb up his leather chaps like a snail with vertigo.
She shuts her eyes and shakes her head, her legs start feeling funny.
"Lord", she says, "For work like this, I'm making shitty money."
He shuts the hood, "My name is Snake, I'm wanted in five states."
She said, "Snake you're my forbidden fruit, and I need a little taste."
The kids look on in disbelief. The kiss is slow, then faster.
Cheering rocks the school bus, till she says "Snake let's ditch these bastards.
As they left, the kids screamed "No", she turned around and waved.
Her next confession killed a priest and lasted seven days.
For years the scandal rocked the church, but she regained their trust.
She still teaches Sunday school, but she doesn't drive the bus."
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Circus Love, by Paul Gilmartin
"Last call" announced the barkeep, and then their eyes did meet;
Betty the bearded lady, and Tom the four-inch freak.
Tom lowered his voice and made a pass, "What are you doin' later?"
Betty thought as she stroked her beard, "Nothin', sweet potater."
People pointed, jokes were made, but it fell on four deaf ears;
Tom thrust his tiny shoulders back, and ignored the painful jeers
"Betty," he said, "the world can be such a cruel, unfeeling place."
She said "I know, my little punkin," and kissed his tiny face
She carried him through the parking lot to the woods that lay beyond
Never before had either felt such an instant common bond
"Betty," he said, gazing down at his tiny platform shoe,
"Tonight I would like nothing more than to make sweet love to you."
She said "I'm a virgin," he said "So am I." She said "Don't you think that's weird?"
He said, "Not really, I'm four inches tall, and, y'know...you've got the beard."
She pressed him tight against her bosom, he inhaled her perfumed air
He covered her neck with tiny hickeys, and stroked her facial hair
The moonlight danced off his cowboy hat, she giggled and she swayed
She undid his tiny rhinestone belt; a cricket looked away
She set him down, unzipped her dress, still tipsy from the booze
She tripped pulling off her panties, and crushed him with her shoes
Bearded Betty never married, her mistake sure took its toll
She still owns that pair of shoes...and Tom's still in her sole."
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The Wisdom of Steven Wright
"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country"
"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"
"I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish."
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."
"I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. "
"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."
" play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. "
"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
"I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing."
"I was born by Caesarean section, but you can't really tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window."
"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
"Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"
"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
"Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen."
"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
"When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually."
"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open
this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will
close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll
remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of
you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his
privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the
crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator
hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man
removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100
who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde timidly
spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head
with the beer bottle."
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A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says,"Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot ! of commotion in the lineof girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Lisa!
What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
_____________________________
Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone
~~ Stone Temple Pilots
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RE: Luscious's Laughter Lair - 
Profile
RE: Luscious's Laughter Lair - 
Chili for dinner tonight.....thanks Level!!!!!
; hmm, chili DOES sound good....... 
RE: Luscious's Laughter Lair - 
hoped he used a condom...gators are known to be pretty slutty lol
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