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You're done and he is not - 2/11/2008 10:14:36 PM

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In a bdsm context, what do you do if you are finished - emotionally, physically, and/or sexually - and your partner wants to keep going? Is it up to the dominant to decide if the "session" is over, and the submissive must just deal with it? Have you had instances where you wanted to keep going and your partner felt emotionally finished, and it left you feeling like there was no closure?

Akasha

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RE: You're done and he is not - 2/11/2008 10:18:36 PM

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I would think that would depend on the nature of the relationship. There are also many different levels of finished. There's "I've had mine and would prefer not to go one" there's "I don't know if I can take anymore" there's "Oh dear God this is agony please please pretty please stop" and there's "I am physically incapable of doing this any longer" If it is the first, even in a vanilla relationship the finished partner will generally go on for a while out of consideration. If it's the second pushing it that much further can be wonderful for both, or it can be awful,and that is when it becomes really important that the Dom know the sub, pushing past the third is pretty extreme and I expect that only a few BDSM relationships go that far, and pushing past the fourth is just stupid.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: You're done and he is not - 2/11/2008 10:28:12 PM

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We stop when he wants to stop, period. If he is satisfied, I'm happy. If I am tired, I find more energy and keep going. If I want more and he's done, then we're done and I crave him. It's pretty simple for us - he decides. Closure isn't an issue. It's closed when he says it's closed!! In short, I adapt to him, and that keeps us both happy.

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RE: You're done and he is not - 2/11/2008 10:39:18 PM

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What she said.. :: smiles ::

Thanks ownedgirlie

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RE: You're done and he is not - 2/11/2008 10:41:06 PM

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See, when I first read this, my first thought was I could see that happening to a Dominant more so than to a submissive. As challenging as it is to be on your end of the whip (insert whatever implement...) I can only identify with the physical/mental/pshychological exhaustion on my end. I know for a fact that I have been at the "I don't know if I can take anymore" stage long before Mr Top has, and he has just gotten to his Top space. We've discussed it before, so I know this for a fact. Does that mean the scene/play/whatever stopped? No, it means that I have given him a little more than I thought I could, and he was satisfied with a little less than he wanted because he was aware that I was at my limits. I guess this is where communication, knowing your partner, and caring about each other's needs comes into play.

Just my quarter's worth (hey gas went up didn't it?)

kat

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RE: You're done and he is not - 2/11/2008 10:54:08 PM

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That's a good question. We haven't had that come up for us. Usually, we've both spent all we have emotionally, and physically by the time we stop playing.... and if some time passes and one of us wants more... well then let the play time round 2 begin.

girly

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RE: You're done and he is not - 2/11/2008 10:58:06 PM

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It's only natural that this happens every so often. Sometimes I'm very stubborn when it comes to reaching a natural, sexual climax. Sometimes I've been rather easy. Basically, it can be anywhere from a few minutes to well over an hour. My Owner, bless her, will not give up until I'm as finished as she is. Once in a blue moon, I'm sure she'd love to just pick up a book and read while she's finishing me off. :-p

The same thing is true for me as well, I will try my best to please her long after I'm finished, when it's applicable and possible. Every so often, I'll get more sexual release out of play than she does. This doesn't bother her, of course, because it's not exactly a war and there's a great many more things enjoyable than sex. Also, sex can still be very fun without an orgasm and making somebody else orgasm is just as satisfying as experiencing one yourself.

Just my two cents,
DV's Fox

< Message edited by Shawn1066 -- 2/11/2008 10:59:20 PM >

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RE: You're done and he is not - 2/12/2008 12:21:22 AM

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He says when its over as simple as that

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RE: You're done and he is not - 2/12/2008 3:23:42 AM

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Unless I'm completely incapable of going on without harmful after effect, I go on.

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RE: You're done and he is not - 2/12/2008 4:14:49 AM

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As the dominant person in the relationship I decide.
However if a dominant doesn't have the subs needs at heart then the D/s relationships is abusive. There are lots of really abusive BDSM relationships as well as vanilla relationships.
Knowing your submissive/slave is the key.
In my experience though it's often the sub who tries to push me into doing things that I am not ready for which then makes me angry. Anger is a totally destructive emotion but it's what some subs seem to want. If I'm using every bit of will power to control my anger then I'm not in the best frame of mind to control anything else.
In the end it all comes down to finding the right person and then both people working hard on the relationship.
Seperating fantasy from reality is really quite difficult at times.
Finding the right person is not going to solve every problem in life.
One day I might possibly be able to keep someone in idleness and luxury but why would I want to? I might also meet a sub/slave who wants to keep me in the same way but why would I want that either?

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)

RE: You're done and he is not - 2/12/2008 4:20:14 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

In a bdsm context, what do you do if you are finished - emotionally, physically, and/or sexually - and your partner wants to keep going? Is it up to the dominant to decide if the "session" is over, and the submissive must just deal with it? Have you had instances where you wanted to keep going and your partner felt emotionally finished, and it left you feeling like there was no closure?

Akasha

Akasha,
Nice question! I am 30 yeas older than my pup and he can't keep up with me. I wear him out <g> I have never been done before him. I think that we mesh really good, because he has not been still going when I have said ok, night night time lol

MoGa

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RE: You're done and he is not - 2/12/2008 4:31:53 AM

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Well.... If I'm finished and he's not, oh well, too bad. I'll just leave him all hot and bothered and suffering. I just LOVE doing that.

If he's done and I'm not? He has to keep going until I'm done.

Of course, that doesn't always work and yes, there are times that I felt "unfinished" emotionally....

Miss Lily

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: You're done and he is not - 2/12/2008 5:18:47 AM

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I think there are always times like this in any relationship. Even if we go out garage sale looking, one is going to be done before the other, and wants to stop and have lunch. If the one missed breakfast and is now lagging, the considerate thing to do is to stop and feed them and agree to hit the one other multifamily one after lunch and that will end it. Or you see if they can wait until after that next one and then end it for the day.

And then there are days when one person simply isn't up to anything more and the other partner might be a little pissed off but they suck it up and deal with it, because the partner's needs are more important than any one sale or scene. You do what's best for the relationship and you talk out your disappointment so there isn't any lingering resentment. Because being able to express your disappointment and having your partner tell you how sorry they were for ruining your fun, while you tell them how sorry you are for dragging them out when they weren't up to it, and cuddling, is how you avoid resentment. And that's essential for the health of the relationship.

If it's casual, then you agree that you aren't as compatible as you previously had thought, but thank each other for the experience and their time.

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RE: You're done and he is not - 2/12/2008 5:26:17 AM

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Most of the time he decides when we're done. If I wanted to keep going, and managed to ask him to continue, he might or might not. If I really need to stop, and tell him, then we stop because I won't safe word and I don't top from the bottom, which means I've really had enough. Of course, if I'm just wailing "No and stop it," I'm completely ignored.

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RE: You're done and he is not - 2/12/2008 5:32:04 AM

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With Fox, I usually outlast him. I tell him when its finished hen we are playing, and he has never said a thing either way on if he wanted more or to stop. Sexually, he tends to get there before me, just because I can be difficult and if it isnt just right with angels and speed and everyting else I wontnecessarily get where I want to go.

Angel usually stops me when we are playing since he just simply cant take it any more. He enjoys sensory overload when we play, but it can range in intensity and get overwhelming very quickly. I know he can call a play session quits at pretty much any point since he isnt a masochist and it can go to painful quickly. I dont get to finish what I wanted todo, but I would rather have to call an evening short than make my Angel miserable. We have other ways to play that are softer and less likely to need to be cut off, and of course when in doubt after a scene we usually play video games.

DV

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RE: You're done and he is not - 2/12/2008 5:47:41 AM

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I really don't think there is a universal BDSM context for this one. It's a matter of the two people involved.

Personally, I generally want to keep on going and going and going. Ok, I'm simply a freak.   But there comes a time, when she's either too sore or too tired out after awhile. Ok, I figure I've had my fill for the session anyways, how much more do I honestly and really need.

Sure I have my own moments, when I've had a long stressful week, and simply want to pass out and recharge for awhile. She's smart enough to know she'll be getting her fill when I'm rested up. LOL..

There are times when I let her rest and get some sleep, taking things into consideration.   All else fails, time to simply use her while she's sleeping. Last weekend I knew she had to be up at 8am in the morning we finally passed out around 2am.   I woke up at 4am.. and was feeling a little fresky... so I layed next to her and Spanked the Monkey and blew my load over her.   Told her the next day what I did.   It really turned her on knowing what the hell I did.   I said something that I might have to use her while she's sleeping next time.

to the OP, I notice you stressed "Emotionally finished"? I'm not certain what you are fully getting at here with this one.   It's normally phyisically or sexually finished with anybody I've been with. Can you shed some more insight to what you mean by "Emotionally finished"?

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: You're done and he is not - 2/12/2008 5:48:12 AM

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quote:

Is it up to the dominant to decide if the "session" is over, and the submissive must just deal with it?

If it was me...the answer would be yes.

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RE: You're done and he is not - 2/12/2008 6:06:40 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

Is it up to the dominant to decide if the "session" is over, and the submissive must just deal with it?

If it was me...the answer would be yes.

agree, the "session" leader is the Dom/me ;)

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RE: You're done and he is not - 2/12/2008 6:20:01 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

In a bdsm context, what do you do if you are finished - emotionally, physically, and/or sexually - and your partner wants to keep going? Is it up to the dominant to decide if the "session" is over, and the submissive must just deal with it? Have you had instances where you wanted to keep going and your partner felt emotionally finished, and it left you feeling like there was no closure?

Akasha

I'm still interested in knowing the context of emotionally finished here. It appears the OP made a post regarding being Emotionally finished over being physically or sexually being finished.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: You're done and he is not - 2/12/2008 6:28:01 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

Is it up to the dominant to decide if the "session" is over, and the submissive must just deal with it?

If it was me...the answer would be yes.

lol... I'm sorry baby, your pussy is sore as hell and you can barely keep your eyes open but I don't care I'm not done with you yet because I want to cum again.

the other side of the coin though...

I'm sorry baby, I came in 2.5 minutes flat. no roll over shut up and go to sleep, we'll spend time together next weekend. (next weekend comes and the same shit happens all over again).

(in reply to IrishMist)

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