Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

In response to those frustrated with the submissives on this site...


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> In response to those frustrated with the submissives on this site... Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
In response to those frustrated with the submissives on... - 2/14/2008 1:06:48 AM   
Scarlet28


Posts: 5
Joined: 1/29/2008
Status: offline 		I mean no malice, or disrespect.  All I ask is that you consider another perspective.

Most of you have been placed in unfamiliar situations.  Scary, isn't it?  Even with outgoing personalities.

Some of the bottom personals on this site are people completely new to The Lifestle.  Add the threat of cultural taboo.  Social backlash.  Recluctant "outing".  The not-knowing when it comes to the people you are speaking with on the internet.  Online dating is risky is it's own right.  Lifestyle dating?  Even harder.

I'm a submissive unwilling to relocate or travel, yet I'm still on the site.  Why even put myself out there?  I wish to learn from those who have experience.  Now that I've chosen to recognize and embrace it, this lifestyle is will be apart of my life forever.  It is who I am -- yet, that doesn't mean I'm willing to jump into something with someone in the near future.  I wish to learn and grow.

Online dating is hard enough.  Lifestyle dating?  Even harder.  This site is free -- as many of you have mentioned -- and therein lies the risk of those who either don't understand/don't care.

There are those who look at these sites in search of those who will withstand their emotional/physical/mental abuse easier than the average Joe.  These people are abusers, not Lifestylers.  They are predators.  Am I being paranoid?  Yes.  Am I being unrealistic?  No.

That's enough to make anyone reluctant.

No one person is alike.  We're all in different stages in our lifes.  Whether we are new, looking, experimenting, growing.  For all of those angry from messages left unrepsonded:  Did you really read their profile?  Grasp what they are looking for?  Did you relate to what they were looking for?  Were you local, and if not, did they say they were willing to relocate?

If there is no profile, and you are serious, why are you contacting them?  It doesn't make sense.

People are people.  There could be extreme social and familial repercussions for coming out as kinky, or a slave, or a submissive, *insert label here*.  We are not blow-up dolls, with no lives, no connections, no friendships.  There is more to a BDSM relationship than a few messages exchanged on some site.  It takes an amazing commitment to be a submissive, especially a slave.  There has to be an undeniable connection to even want to meet in person.  If they back out?  Oh-friggin-well.  Move on.  There's someone else just waiting for your message.

Anyways, the point of my post is that there is more to the story then most consider.  Period.

I wish you luck, all of you, on the search that completes Who You Are.  Just don't be so judgemental, so discouraged, so bitter, over failed communications.  It's the internet -- what can you expect? 

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: In response to those frustrated with the submissive... - 2/14/2008 1:11:39 AM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline 		I get a fair amount of failed communications.  I expect that, looking for a third for a poly is a challenge, and even when it seems like there might be a conneciton, on a possibly romantic level or just as friends, there are alwyas the problems of RT, of confusion, of the many other things that get in the way.  I just go on muddlng along, and maybe if I run into the same profile again I'll forget and send another message, and hope that she doesn't hate me for it.

(in reply to Scarlet28)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: In response to those frustrated with the submissive... - 2/14/2008 2:47:24 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline 		mmm yes agree......what is there more to say...although an open letter..should have been written with a little less irration inside (although I understand it). We are not all behaving like that.
A normal letter makes more impression then an angry one.(learned that the hard way)

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: In response to those frustrated with the submissive... - 2/14/2008 2:55:26 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		Hey heres a thought.  Why don't all of the ppl that discuss how hard it is to meet ppl online.  Get out from behind the computer and attempt to meet ppl in REAL LIFE.  It sounds crazy but ya know it's been working since the start of time!!!!   I know it works really it does I have met all my slaves that way go figure.  So instead of complaining about how difficult it is to talk to ppl on line.  Try the real world

BadOne a realist

(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: In response to those frustrated with the submissive... - 2/14/2008 3:10:20 AM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline 		I have a high degree of empathy for everything you are expressing in your opening post.

I think everything you wrote can apply to many users of CM, regardless if they are male, female, Dom, submissive, slave or switch, single, part of a couple or whatever else.

I have made a few great long distance friends from using this website.  Actually a couple of them have had the potential to develop into something deeper.   However, issues such as distance, being at different life stages, different mindsets/views on various aspects of life even, have been a bit of a road block.   Honestly, i see things for what they really are.

I have tried to maintain things as friendships.   I guess in many senses this makes me sane.  However, I've literally had submission thrown at me by a few of my female friends from this site.   Actually, even where they tried to bait/lure me into DOMing their ass.   The fact is that I did not try to Long Distance Dom them for good reason(s).

I really appreciate you mentioning about people being at different life stages in life.  I'm not talking about different stages of the lifestyle itself here.  I have witnessed some of my female submissive/switch friends blossom and grow over time, and I've even witness some of them get caught up in taking things to the extreme.  Extreme activities that I myself could care less about, because I find no enjoyment or pleasure in them.  So in a sense, they grew in directions different from my own.   I'm not writing about any one single person right now either.

Even with my LD friendships, some of them have slowly faded and some of them have become much deeper and personal.  So regardless if one is using this site for making friends, finding somebody for serious LT relationship, or even the proverbial fuck buddy.   The dynamics of making a connection still all apply.   We all are human with different desires, needs, wants and interests. 

The lifestyle is and will forever be apart of my life, in some way shape or form.  I went through a period of time in life where I tried very hard to fit into the Vanilla Jello mold and it did not work.   If anything it made me realize more about the importance of self acceptence and self love is.

The lifestyle itself has helped sharped up my Spidey Senses when it comes down to spotting true abusers, the insecure control freaks, the creepy Co-Dependent types and whatnot.   Some of my vanilla friends have been amazed at how quickly and accurately I spot these things in other people.  I tend to speak in relative terms with many people.   Such as "Control Good" compared to "Control Bad".   "Good Abuse" compared to "Bad Abuse".  I'll explain what I mean in contrast to one another.  The lifestyle can be somewhat confusing to newbies or other people.

Sure, I have responded to profiles and have had no response back.  OK, sure I might have been a little dissapointed but oh well.  Life is full of dissapointments.  These dissapointments just will make things so much better when one finally finds their match.   Basically, keeping a balanced view of the joys and dissapointments in life.  They go hand and hand together like Jack-n-Jill in this adventure called life.

Most people don't deal well with rejection.  They take things way too personally and to heart.  If they want to act like an asshole or bitch about it, then that's there problem and nobody elses.   I have seen people come onto the message board bitching about nobody responding to their profiles or emails.   I also seen people come onto the message board and ask for constructive advice about what to do better or differently.   Both groups of people dealing with the same problem or issue in two different ways.

The reality is here, everybody on this website is a human being.  There is diversity amoung us.  Just because we are into BDSM does not mean we are no longer human.   I do question the amount of humanity some people have left in their souls that find there way to this lifestyle.  When I speak of humanity, I'm talking about fulling embracing both sides of thier Yin/Yang wheel.   Some of the hardcore heartless abusers in this lifestyle can be compared to the Extreme Right Wing Christians.  Basically they only want to be in touch with one side of their Yin or Yang.    Basically, BDSM does not mean welcome to the Dark Side of life and selling out the rest of what it is to be human.

Assholes, Bitches, Abusers, Loosers, fakes, wanna be's exist in every aspect or facet of life.  They can be difficult to spot in the churches, schools, our governement, in our neighborhoods, out at the Malls.   They can be BDSMers or vanilla's.  I tend to think this lifestyle is a bit of a magnet for some of these types of people.   Then again, Many Churches attract crazy people with fucked up issues who have problems and are looking for answers. 

Basically even the abusers are looking for their own place in this crazy world.  I'm certain that this Lifestyle has actually become the salvation for some people that have had major issues in life.  I wonder how many abuser Doms were first drawn to this lifestyle, and discovered more about their own fucked up issues and were able to gain control over themselves.    Something to think about here.   If somebody is really sincere and wanting to learn about the Lifestyle, they will grow as a person.   People who think they know it all or have desire to learn basically don't grow.

Nobody is really a blow up doll, but it's fun using somebody like there were one from time to time, you know! LOL...

(in reply to Scarlet28)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: In response to those frustrated with the submissive... - 2/14/2008 4:38:47 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Speaking of blow up dolls. There is the solution for those of you who have trouble filling your poly relationship.

(in reply to Owner4SexSlave)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: In response to those frustrated with the submissive... - 2/14/2008 4:41:19 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Don't leave us hanging D, what is the solution?

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: In response to those frustrated with the submissive... - 2/14/2008 4:55:11 AM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Don't leave us hanging D, what is the solution?

Ron


I think it's the same solution for replacing vanilla girl friends.

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: In response to those frustrated with the submissive... - 2/14/2008 4:56:55 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Ron look at it this way. The blow up doll is the perfect submissive. No back talk or whineing. When done with it you can stuff it back in the box. Ducks  from all of the stuff the submissives are throwing at me.

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: In response to those frustrated with the submissive... - 2/14/2008 5:08:11 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Well, I guess it does have its charms, you wouldn't have to kiss it right away after it blew you........so thats a plus right there.

Ron 

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: In response to those frustrated with the submissive... - 2/14/2008 5:10:46 AM   
MissLily


Posts: 146
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline 		I like your post Scarlet.

I'm pretty sure I understand what you mean. Now, I can only speak for Myself, and yes, I get really frustrated with the subs on this site...

Well, not all subs, but as you said, this site is free and you get all sorts of people on here. When I get a decent email, most of the time (unless I'm really tooooo busy), I'll send a few lines when I'm not interested. That doesn't frustrate Me. I'm actually happy to do it (not turn down people, but send a polite answer).

No, My frustration comes from those "subs" who send the same message numerous times. I'm not kidding you when I tell you that the same user has recently sent Me the same message three times. The first time I answered and turned him down, the second time I thought it was weird, but the third time???? Makes Me wonder how many Dominas got the same message.

I hate generic messages and I get a lot of those.

Then there's the one-liners. It's nice of the people to send a hello, but I hope they're not really expecting an answer. What am I supposed to do with that? When you get a couple of those a day, it gets annoying. Then again, a user sent Me the same question a couple of times. What's he looking for?

Anyway, My point is that I do feel sorry for those who are sincere and really do make an effort. I try to be polite to those.

Only, there are so many horny guys on this site.

I do get that some subs might not know how to approach a Domina, but it's only a matter of common sense. If one send a message asking to be someone's toilet, you're just being lame.

I think it's just too bad that those losers make the good ones take the heat. Then again, if you're being decent, then please don't feel concerned by the frustration.

Miss Lily

(in reply to Scarlet28)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: In response to those frustrated with the submissive... - 2/14/2008 5:11:11 AM   
sirguym


Posts: 318
Joined: 8/10/2007
Status: offline 		Really, what is your problem? There are lots of wonderful people on this site and I have established relationships with several of them, and had fascinating and life-enhancing conversations with many more.

If you're having any problems getting a meaningful dialogue going, I'd respectfully suggest you look to yourself, who you are and whether your expectations are realistic, how you present yourself by way of a profile and in your posts to the boards. etc.

Often those who blame the 'fakes and flakes' seem themselves guilty of behaviour which leads others to judge from their messages, etc. that they are in that or a similar category of 'people with whom it is not worth bothering'.

(in reply to Scarlet28)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: In response to those frustrated with the submissive... - 2/14/2008 5:45:15 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		MissLilly why call them losers. At least they are making an effort. As far as the one liners saying hello. Is it that much of an effort to type back one word Hello. Why put a big effort into writeing paragraphs when you can say the same thing in one line. By the way Happy Valentines Day. See one sentence says it all.

(in reply to sirguym)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: In response to those frustrated with the submissive... - 2/14/2008 6:23:47 AM   
ThunderRoad


Posts: 231
Joined: 3/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar
Ron look at it this way. The blow up doll is the perfect submissive. No back talk or whineing. When done with it you can stuff it back in the box. Ducks  from all of the stuff the submissives are throwing at me.


Doesn't do chores though, and get in the kitchen and bake me a pie! 

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: In response to those frustrated with the submissive... - 2/14/2008 6:36:21 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Mmmm she dosent do windows either. I conceed that a blow up doll may not be a good ideal after all.

(in reply to ThunderRoad)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: In response to those frustrated with the submissive... - 2/14/2008 6:40:53 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Well this argues for polyamory then.

A blow up doll for the out of this world pussy, and a woman for windows.

Ron 



_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: In response to those frustrated with the submissive... - 2/14/2008 6:44:02 AM   
shellzbythesea


Posts: 120
Joined: 5/27/2007
Status: offline 		Bravo, Scarlet, Bravo!!!  i agree with you and i think your post was very well-written and touched on many important (although often overlooked) points.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

mmm yes agree......what is there more to say...although an open letter..should have been written with a little less irration inside (although I understand it). We are not all behaving like that.
A normal letter makes more impression then an angry one.(learned that the hard way)


i'm confused by this...where was the anger? 

(in reply to Justme696)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: In response to those frustrated with the submissive... - 2/14/2008 8:04:59 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I have zero problem with "the submissives on this site" as a whole. In fact, I've made some really good friends on here. UR2Badored is a delightful woman that I hope to meet as soon as I can get the time and extra $$ to go visit her. We talk on the phone off and on and have become friends.

I find a minor irritation with a few that think they are a slave or submissive and are great at talking the talk but run like hell when you ask them to walk the walk. Maybe my own personal morality is different than theirs I don't know, but I follow through. If there is some reason, regardless of what it is, that will make it improbable or downright impossible for me to do so, I COMMUNICATE that! I don't just disappear or create unrealistic stories as excuses.

Don't get me wrong, I understand being safe etc etc etc........I'm not talking about issues or situations that would negate that. I've just been bullshitted so much that I don't take most people online seriously. I have a "guilty until proven innocent" mindset about the whole thing.

Like I've said before and will say again. I didn't join this site to meet, my one and only, or even expect to meet anyone. I came here for information. From what I have seen over the years the greater percentile of people that frequent sites like this view it as one big relationship RPG. That's not my thing at all. If someone makes it through all the hoops I will put in front of them and shows up in person......then I will be surprised.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 2/14/2008 8:05:57 AM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Scarlet28)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: In response to those frustrated with the submissive... - 2/14/2008 8:45:55 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		I was actually think of posting a new thread and still might that touched on what the OP mentioned as we were having a vanilla version of this subject at work last night.

I will though answer this, first I understand that someone new has to overcome hurdles and exploring who you are from what is in your head to real time is something important. I also understand that people so desperate to find someone push or blow off the tough realities of distance and basic compatibilities between two human beings. Certainly there are a lot of people on the other side who do that and get what they deserve which is frustration and not being able to find someone.

On the other hand there is just a lot of catch-22 that women submissives on the other side create.

The fact is exploring means I do not know what I really want. There is nothing wrong with that! But at the same time to expect a person seeking you out who is older has experience and knows what they are looking for to go OK I will invest a lot of time with you and in the end has wasted months or longer on someone who is not compatible is not very fair or something you would not be open to if the shoe was on the opposite foot.

There is a giant double standard that goes on with personal sites. Most women seemed to want casual/explore themselves in a relationship but they want to explore and be casual with a person who is not at that same place and/or only with someone they see as a potential Mr. Forever Right. If a man though in any role tries to be with a woman who is older and knows specifically what they are looking for and uses terms like “not sure”, “I am exploring” and “casual at first” they get labeled as players or if not women, and I am one of them, searching for the Mr. Long Time does not want to invest in my critical years in someone in the end cannot be what I am seeking. The risk of wasted months as we get older does play on our minds.

When I got into this life I was exploring as well. I also got into a relationship that all of admitted was casual and knew it would end. I did not get into a relationship with the constraint or demand of I want to explore with the option making this person the one forever.

It is my belief for people over the age where most are not looking for casual and looking for the long term person that it is unfair to these people regardless of role or gender to think they should have to spend time with someone who does not know what they want if they themselves do.

So for the unsure and wanting to explore, I think that is truly great. But instead of looking for older people who are experienced and/or clearly know what they are and are looking for you might be better off admitting/accepting to truly more casual relationships with people just actually looking for casual relationships to explore yourself or look for another who is also exploring themselves with little or no experience and see if both of you can work together.


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to Scarlet28)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: In response to those frustrated with the submissive... - 2/14/2008 8:53:19 AM   
meticulousgirl


Posts: 969
Joined: 2/20/2007
Status: offline 		totally agree

~meticulous~

(in reply to toservez)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> In response to those frustrated with the submissives on this site... Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109