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"so, are you collared yet?" - 3/31/2008 10:38:15 AM

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an e-mail prompted my sleep deprived brain to go into overdrive today.

m'Lord and I live on different sides of the state right now and I am in the process of re-locating to be closer to him so that we can have more interaction in day-to-day life. Also, we have been together for a relatively short period of time. We also feel that collaring in serious and should be considered permanent and therefor something that is not taken lightly.

We have an agreement in place that reflects the evolution of our relationship and under his advisement my profile states that I am "under a collar of consideration". Without getting into that debate, I have been doing some pondering on the approach some people seem to take to my profile.

What bothers me, I guess is the black and white view in which some people take with regards to collaring, they seem to feel that if you are not collared, you are a free agent, no transitionary process, no evolution, no gradual growth. In there minds one day you are flitting around free as a bird and the next day you are placed in that gilded cage.

Now I'm thinking back to those days before I knew what a collar was. When in those relationships I could simply explain to an interested party that I was "with" someone. Never once was I asked to define "with", never once was the longevity or the committment in the relationship questioned due to lack of marriage or formal covenant.

Is it unique to those who believe in collaring (in general) that until one takes it to that level of seriousness that the relationship isn't to be taken seriouly?

ETA-- this is not a rant, as my emotions are not tweaked by these inquiries, simply a pondering on human nature observances.

< Message edited by OmegaG -- 3/31/2008 11:10:01 AM >

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

RE: "so, are you collared yet?" - 3/31/2008 10:55:24 AM

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I think the problem is that the phrase "collar of consideration", for some people, means he hasn't decided if he wants you or not, therefore you are up for grabs. Perhaps changing it to something to indicate you are indeed "with" someone would be better.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to OmegaG)

RE: "so, are you collared yet?" - 3/31/2008 11:04:03 AM

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From: Nashville, TN
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You might also be having the velcro collar reaction. So many submissives put a collar of consideration up in their profiles while they ARE still looking, that it doesnt even register all that much anymore. Some see it as a challenge rather than a stop sign, and others disregard it completely becasue it is becoming so overused. Perhaps you might want to change your verbiage to something more along the lines of "Happily taken, hoping to relocate to be closer to my Master and proudly wearing (or under) a collar of consideration for the time being".
Angel went through much the same thing when he has a profile here. He was under consideration while I made my preparations to move, since I had wanted to hold off on an actual collar until I knew when we would be together and all. The difference in interest he got after he put up his under consideration profile, as opposed to the very detailed and wordy ne he had before that, was marked. He got twice as many emails, most of which telling him how I was not good enough to own him and how much better they'd be. I suppose some get so excited at the porspect of a proven quality sub that someone else is laying claim to that they want you for themselves since the quality types are obviously so hard to come by.

Fox has a standard response for anyone showing unwanted and innapropriate interest. "Thank you for your words. If you would like further dialog, please contact my Owner, DiurnalVampire on this site, for permission. Out of respect for the relationship I am in, I do not speak with anyone who has an interest in me that she might find inappropriate. Thank you and have a lovely day"

Seems to be working well.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to CalifChick)

RE: "so, are you collared yet?" - 3/31/2008 11:05:27 AM

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I'll agree as I've seen the debate (over and over and over) and I've been thinking of talking to him about the wording. But even then, back in that bland ol' vanilla world, I could say "I'm dating so-and-so" which basically meant to me that I was exploring the possibility of viability and I was rarely countered with an argument that I shouldn't continue exploring the relationship with the person I was dating.

And maybe I'm just seeing more agressive men here then in real life and it's not a matter of difference in men, just a difference in my perspective.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to CalifChick)

RE: "so, are you collared yet?" - 3/31/2008 11:07:00 AM

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Some Dom/mes feel that if you are still under consideration that there is still a chance for them. Sometimes what is most desirable is what someone else has, and you obviously have good qualities if someone is about to collar you.

I've been collared for just under two weeks, and have already had more than one Dom certain that I would turn my collar in for one from them. The seriousness of a collar is dependent upon each relationship. I take mine very seriously, as does my Master. Some use one the very first session. And, sadly, there are always predators.

You don't have to explain yourself to anyone but your Lord.

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(in reply to OmegaG)

RE: "so, are you collared yet?" - 3/31/2008 11:44:04 AM

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I think it's because people use the term collar of consideration to mean so many different things. It would really be better if they used more descriptive language like...'We are not all that serious but I am not allowed to see others.' or 'I'm not currently collared, but that is our eventual goal.' Or something. 'Collar of consideration' is just kind of ambiguous. Some people think of it like an engagement, some people take it a little less seriously. It's kind of like slave and submissive.....definitions will vary.

From your postings, it does not seem like it's a 'velcro collar' type of thing at all. I think the way you use it is probably closer to what the original meaning was. But if I hadn't read your posts on the forum, I wouldn't really have enough information to make that judgment.

_____________________________

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to OmegaG)

RE: "so, are you collared yet?" - 3/31/2008 11:51:22 AM

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Okay, this is only my opinion, and I know others see it differently. I see the phrase "collar of consideration" as equivalent to "he gave me a promise ring" - very high-school-ish.

I see it as, "I don't really want you right now, but I might if something better doesn't come along, but I don't want anyone else to take you away in the meantime." Now you know that's not true. He hasn't collared you, but you are his, right? So if you want to be clear, you can take out any mention of a collar, and just say you are taken, or owned, or whatever phrase you want to use.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to junecleaver)

RE: "so, are you collared yet?" - 3/31/2008 11:52:21 AM

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It is not just the men who are aggressive in here. Some Dommes are also very aggressive.

(in reply to junecleaver)

RE: "so, are you collared yet?" - 3/31/2008 11:54:45 AM

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And now I'm of two minds. The anti-drama side thinks that I should spell it out better as posters have suggested.

The bitch in me thinks I should keep it the same so that I can continue to snark in my head when people make assumptions, and I know-- that would be bad.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to Dnomyar)

RE: "so, are you collared yet?" - 3/31/2008 11:56:16 AM

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Aggression is the nature of the beast...heck I get aggressive emails from subs.

I just thank them for their interest and make sure they know I'm not interested in anything more then friendship. If they continue to press and ask if I'm owned I tell them yes...I belong to me.

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I must first learn to master myself, before I can truly be owned by one.

(in reply to Dnomyar)

RE: "so, are you collared yet?" - 3/31/2008 12:00:14 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LilMissHaven

Aggression is the nature of the beast...heck I get aggressive emails from subs.

I just thank them for their interest and make sure they know I'm not interested in anything more then friendship. If they continue to press and ask if I'm owned I tell them yes...I belong to me.

You know what, that really strikes a chord in me as the few who have contacted me in this very agressive manner are people that I would choose not to associate with reardless of my relationship status.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to LilMissHaven)

RE: "so, are you collared yet?" - 3/31/2008 12:23:00 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG

quote:

ORIGINAL: LilMissHaven

Aggression is the nature of the beast...heck I get aggressive emails from subs.

I just thank them for their interest and make sure they know I'm not interested in anything more then friendship. If they continue to press and ask if I'm owned I tell them yes...I belong to me.

You know what, that really strikes a chord in me as the few who have contacted me in this very agressive manner are people that I would choose not to associate with reardless of my relationship status.

Exactly!!!

_____________________________

I must first learn to master myself, before I can truly be owned by one.

(in reply to OmegaG)

RE: "so, are you collared yet?" - 3/31/2008 1:02:37 PM

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I sometimes get asked if I am "collared". I figure it's just another way of showing interest. Some are respectful of relationships and want to know if there is any room to proceed. Either way, I don't feel obligated to explain my relationship with a stranger on the internet.

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(in reply to OmegaG)

RE: "so, are you collared yet?" - 3/31/2008 1:54:31 PM

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You could just say you're in a relationship...or you could call it a 'promise collar'. I find that rather endearing, actually.
Or you could put on your profile, (or in your journal) what, exactly, a promise collar means to both you and your dom.
Because while it means so much to you in your relationship, others don't treat it with the same respect.

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A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

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(in reply to KatyLied)

RE: "so, are you collared yet?" - 3/31/2008 2:13:17 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG

And now I'm of two minds. The anti-drama side thinks that I should spell it out better as posters have suggested.

The bitch in me thinks I should keep it the same so that I can continue to snark in my head when people make assumptions, and I know-- that would be bad.

Bad - but oh, so fun!

The problem with a "lifestyle" that has such diverse terminology, where few can agree on a definition for anything, is that what you mean is seldom what they read into it. I had thought of a 'collar of consideration' as being sort of like 'going steady' - not quite engaged, but seriously considering a permanent commitment.

I applaud you and your Lord for holding off on the commitment of an actual collaring until you are in a position to be sure it's totally right. And I wish you both all the happiness you deserve.

pip, so far not even under consideration

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There is none so blind as he who will not see.

(in reply to OmegaG)

RE: "so, are you collared yet?" - 3/31/2008 2:28:28 PM

RCdc

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Personally, I don't see why an explaination is needed. If someone asked, you have a partner, that is all you really need to say, if there is anything needed to be said.
Whatever collar it is, when you get it, if you have one or not - is no one elses business - unless you make it their business.

the.dark.

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RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to OmegaG)

RE: "so, are you collared yet?" - 3/31/2008 2:44:59 PM

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Which is one of the reasons I don't play the collar game. In my view you are committed or you are not, collars or rings are just superficial symbols.
In this stuff that we do though, people are really focused on that symbolic gesture, as if only that separates you from the wolves. I find it distasteful, but what are you going to do?
When I am committed to someone there is no thought in my head that he is "considering me" He is either committed or he is not. At which point I would say,
"I am committed." Because regardless of his feelings for me, I AM committed.
If I felt secure in his committment I might say "We are committed"
When people ask if I am collared, I always tell them collars are not my thing.

One of the good things about not being into those symbols is that when I say that, people back off quickly. No one likes a girl who won't buy into their fantasy.
Kyst

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pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to OmegaG)

RE: "so, are you collared yet?" - 3/31/2008 2:50:36 PM

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Many of the posts talk about the fast moving Dominant with the ever-attachable "collar of consideration"; but in all fairness there are also the velcro collars of submissives. I can't begin to count the number of times I've seen a newly created CM profile of a submissive person saying "I'm here to learn/not seeking/curious only/want to see what this is about/want to talk to people/ etc. etc. etc." and then a week later its "I've been collared and bound for life to LordMasterGodBIGThighs and he is my reason for living and my life. Do not contact me because I will NEVER LOOK AT ANOTHER HUMAN BEING EXCEPT AS A POOR UNCOLLARED SAD SCUM or possible food source."

Of course, a week later he/she is broken, alone, uncollared again, and...posting right about HERE.

E.

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"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to OmegaG)

RE: "so, are you collared yet?" - 3/31/2008 4:31:01 PM

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This is something that has been bugging me for a long time & i guess will always bug me. There is no black and white to "collaring" as it very much depends on the people involved as to how seriously it is taken and what exactly it is intended to symbolise.
So many people out there seem to take the fact that a submissive within a relationship isn't collared as an indication that the relationship is not a serious one.
i have lived with my Master for 4 months, the fact that i am not collared is down to the way we view such a thing and the seriousness that we both treat it with, personally to me accepting a collar is a huge commitment.. And i would never even consider accepting His collar until i have had the chance at least to experience all aspects that a poly lifestyle with Him means. Does that make our relationship any less serious? i certainly don't think so..
A collar to me is not a symbol of ownership.. He owns me, there is no question of it.. To me it is more about symbolising that i am secure in my relationship and in it for the long term. Which is a large part of the reason why i have never yet accepted one in my life.

< Message edited by metalmiss -- 3/31/2008 4:36:56 PM >

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"The longing to serve, to submit, to abandon oneself sexually, emotionally, and physically makes one a slave either to a Man, a Woman or to God. Submission to that passion is divine degradation." - Dorothy C. Hayden

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(in reply to OmegaG)

RE: "so, are you collared yet?" - 3/31/2008 4:46:06 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG
Is it unique to those who believe in collaring (in general) that until one takes it to that level of seriousness that the relationship isn't to be taken seriouly?

It is not my belief at all that relationships are not serious unless one is collared. That would mean those who do not believe in collaring can never have a serious relationship, which, to me, is ludicrous.

It does seem to be a destination point for many, however. Outside the D/s world, the question, "Are you married yet?" is a frequent occurance, and then once married, "Do you have kids yet?" People seem to need markers to place value on where they are in life. I suppose it gives a sense of security.

As for those who don't take your relationship seriously, consider them unevolved and shrug 'em off. I've never had much patience for those who would not respect my relationship, and I still don't.

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to OmegaG)

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