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RE: Where do we fit? - 7/13/2006 7:24:32 AM

MstrssSatin

Posts: 71
Joined: 4/5/2006
From: Indiana
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Thank you WildnWicked, I'll check into it.

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Seek well, Seek true
Are you man enough to submit to Me?

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RE: Where do we fit? - 7/15/2006 5:03:22 PM

WyrdRich

Posts: 1733
Joined: 1/3/2005
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     Well, part of the problem here might be that I posted this several months ago with a smile on my face and likely a few ciders in my system. While I don't recall the exact circumstances, I believe my quote is accurate (probably introducing us to someone at the March Munch). You had a smile on your face when you said it and I didn't take offense. But it did strike me funny and I used it as an illustration. You were probably reading my post in the heat.

     As for refering to you as a Domme and using the word 'preach', no offense was intended. I was using words that would carry my point simply and easily to readers who are not familiar with all the ins and outs and personalities of a particular real-time group (and a public forum such as this is not a place I would go into them anyway). And you have made your views clear about the difference between tolerance and acceptance.

     Your group has been a fantastic and rewarding experience. I've learned a great deal and even met my wife there. It is the reason I advise newcomers to this board to seek out and get involved with their local groups.

      We have been in each others living rooms way too many times to have this conversation here.

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RE: Where do we fit? - 7/16/2006 8:29:16 AM

janiceleeinsc

Posts: 61
Joined: 3/22/2006
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I have the same problem. I am not submissive enough to join in sub games.   I am Domme, but I have my own style and beliefs that sometimes conflict with full Dom/Dommes.
I had a submissive put me under my Dom trainee in my own group this weekend. I hit the roof.   I am his Mentor.
What is worse is being in the middle of two male Doms which I am right now in a conflict on my groups. They don't fight like women do.
What I do is continue to strive and find folks like myself, and help new ones find their way into the life.   I really don't feel confortable being a switch.   I don't think that is a good term for what I am.
I am simply fem dom who cares a bit.

Respectfully,

Mistress_Jan

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RE: Where do we fit? - 7/18/2006 7:41:51 AM

fistykitty

Posts: 2
Joined: 7/9/2006
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I know the feeling ,, i have been outspoken all my life and i dont care how strong a Dom is if he shows any sign of weekenss then i turn the tables on him i have only found on Dom who was able to fully control me others just mad me switch

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RE: Where do we fit? - 7/18/2006 8:26:21 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
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Gosh i have to laugh, just last week i was told for the umpteenth time that i was way to nice and cute to be a Domme....

it makes me giggle.

I personally love being a switch, i came in as a domme, then found my slave side, and during those years i was excruciatingly self unidentified as a slave.

And i could not get my head around switches, they confused me and they scared me...to me they did not take the life style seriously.....and some how it was in my head that if you did not take the lifestyle seriously then you were doing it wrong.

Now i look back and feel sorry for folks who feel this way, how limiting their lives are, how painfully trapped they must feel at times.

Being a slave was very serious, very soap-boxy, very martyry for me...and as i look back i can see that i was so identified with my role, that i lost the whole point,... that this thing we do is fun....i see this everyday on the boards....people taking this thing so seriously, but if you notice they are really lonely people for the most part, even the ones with several slaves...

I think as switches, we know a secret, i know i should not be telling the whole world but hopefully no one but us will read it....i think we realize in a way different from non-switches...

That this journey is really about growth, exploration, joy of adventure, truth of being, and intimacy.

That we are vibrant, multi faceted creatures....that have these increadible things called human bodies...and that they are really fun to play with....

That BDSM is only a tool for evolving as a whole person...a tool for exploring intimacy,. a tool not a pedigree....not a birthright.

Switches dont like labels, more often then not they dont say 'i am a switch' they say 'i am me'.....that to me is the most telling thing about us, if you ask me, and so then it makes sense that we dont fit in, because we are not trying to....if there was a group of Amy's, and they all identified as Amy's, dressed like me, laughed at my stupid jokes ect, i still prolly would not hang out with them except at parties, because i still like just doing my own thing...

PS you and Kaptin will always fit in...in my my tub...

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"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

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RE: Where do we fit? - 7/19/2006 5:26:04 AM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
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That was really beautifully said. Thank you.

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RE: Where do we fit? - 7/19/2006 10:20:37 PM

Evanesce

Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
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quote:

PS you and Kaptin will always fit in...in my my tub...

Awwww!! That's so sweet! And it's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all day.

Thank you!

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Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich

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Post #: 67

RE: Where do we fit? - 7/22/2006 7:04:31 AM

degradess

Posts: 68
Joined: 7/15/2005
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I've always had a problem with that term "switch" myself. I started as an extreme sub, but lately been fascinated with domming women...possibly finding someone for a co -dominant situation, me as a sub to him and both of us as doms to the slave. I really don't fit anywhere within societies "norms": anyway. Consequently, I've had to decide to be myself no matter how few people accept me as I am. I guess the best definition of switch for me is someone adaptable. Moving different ways in different roles. It is complex but then most people are...

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RE: Where do we fit? - 8/24/2006 4:09:02 AM

RobertMaddox

Posts: 16
Joined: 9/2/2005
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Shock value "out there"-ing. That really hits a chord with me. It's that deep seated individualism that comes from the defiance to be ostracized any longer. Other than some of the odder artists, I've come across that very rarely. Ever get the indignant reaction when someone wants to stick you in a category and say "there, now you fit"? Man, I sure do. It's partially why I tell 'em I'm a Hedonist when they ask right off for vme to "take sides by naming a label".

OK, maybe I take a little pleasure in knocking down some Dom's attitude that they can't be submissive with "ever gotten a speeding ticket?" or some sub who claims they don't understand why anyone would like to dominate, by pointing out that they're certainly enjoying being listened to at the moment, but really - our whole society, (it seems to me), is based on a series of rapidly fluctuating power-exchange situations. I frankly don't see why the connection of pleasure gotten when successfully negotiating these can't be understood when they become ritualistic as a fetish. It's just more of the same in a metaphoric sense.

OK, OK, I'll get off the soapbox now.

What can I say? My use of both submission and dominance liberally soaked with unfaked compassion, (and a knowledge of anatomy of course), is what makes me such a good massage therapist. The only real difference I can see when playing is the sexual overtone and the special toys.
As different as we are as humans, communication still seems to happen pretty regularly. I get a wonderful sense of hope from that one simple fact.

"People is People is People"
-Tony from "The Muppets Take Manhattan"

(Jim Henson understood )

========================================================

What doesn't kill us makes us stranger, eh?
-Peter Chung

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RE: Where do we fit? - 9/11/2006 11:53:09 AM

Angelslayer

Posts: 2
Joined: 3/12/2006
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Sorry, haven't read all the above threads, but "do we have to fit?" and fit into what. If two people switch or do whatever between themselves - who is anyone else to judge or try and make them conform. I'm a Domme when I play and my collared sub (and now loving partner) is a wonderful sub. Recently we developed another side to us - he's Sir and I'm angelslut - and it works. Luckily friends we have in the BDSM scene just accept that we are lots of different things when the moods take us. So - forgive the babbling - don't try to fit - be yourself and be happy - those who try to conform are the ones that are insecure - so inflict their views on others. Well, thats what I believe, wide statement but true in a lot of cases.

Have fun

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RE: Where do we fit? - 9/15/2006 8:54:18 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
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I don't know if being left out is related to your being a switch or not. I do know that I can't imagine inviting to my home anyone who made it clear that she had nothing in common with me and who enjoyed intimidating others. I don't find that strong or dominant, just overbearing and rude. Since you feel that you're better than them, that they are all drama queens, I can't believe they don't sense your feelings and have come to return your dislike. If my dom demanded I accompany him to one of your parties, I would do so but I wouldn't enjoy myself and would spend the night wanting to go home.

You haven't anything in common with any of them? There isn't anyone in the group who also likes playing tennis, reading the latest bestseller, discussing Law & Order or Lost? I'm sure you could find topics in common to bridge the gap if you wanted to.

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RE: Where do we fit? - 7/29/2007 9:35:19 PM

rick121x

Posts: 12
Joined: 7/5/2005
From: Las Vegas NV
Status: offline

I just went to your linked site - expecting to find a new home. But the link is for a site selling formal clothing for males.

Richard
-------------------------------------
There is.. it is called "Dualities" I belonged it to for many years and know the owner of the group very well. Here is the link...

http://www.dualities.com/home.html

Joanne
[/quote]

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RE: Where do we fit? - 8/9/2007 7:20:32 AM

sophia37

Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
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Lots of people never reciprocate. Try not to hold it against them. Its THIER issue. Not yours. Youre fine.

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RE: Where do we fit? - 9/8/2007 1:03:17 PM

ErusDespicienta

Posts: 32
Joined: 4/30/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Evanesce

I've often wondered why I have such a hard time finding my "place" within the BDSM community. Specific individuals accept me for who I am, but on the whole, I don't really fit well.

Dominants... especially male dominants... either don't accept me as a dominant or they are intimidated by me. I have little to nothing in common with female submissives, and don't really understand the way they think (well, the women around here, anyway... too much drama for me!). They're also intimidated by me... several have even told me so! So they come to our home when we have parties, but the invitation is almost never reciprocated, and sometimes that hurts... when I know folks are getting together and I'm not invited.

Does anyone else find themselves "on the outside," for lack of a better term? How do you handle it?

I know I'm very late on this thread but I see the OP is still reading so I'd like to add my ten cents.

As I read this I realised, been there, done that. There were a lot of very good responses and I have just a little to add ....

In 2000 I discovered chat rooms, forums and discussion groups on line. I brought with me to those venues, the lifestyle that I had been practicing for the previous 15 years and found I didn't fit in. I had no problem fitting in in real life situations.

One of the discussion groups of which I was a member had a web site and I posted this, out of frustration, in late 2000 ...
" This is My Lifestyle and it is only Y/yours if Y/you choose to adopt it !"

I noticed over the years that it became more difficult for me to fit in with the real time groups as people became focussed on who was a Dom or sub.. When faced with an unlabled person, they toppled and I got placed on the sidelines.
As far as the labels go.. eg. Dom , sub, switch. I adopted this stance. ." I am whatever you perceive me to be"
Now they had to actually think about me ! things were really getting tricky at this point. . This man is unpredictable. .he might be a sub, he might be a Dom, he might be a switch. I thought everyone in the lifestyle had a label. hence . he obviously isn't a lifestyler he doesn't fit. . how do I know what he likes. shall I invite him , shan't I !!!!

I've sat down and talked with the friends who really know me and understand me. .They have told me. . I'm intimidating !! but I like everyone. love to talk to everyone. love to hear everyones stories and their kinks no matter how dirty and nasty. People are fascinating!!

Years later. I'm OK with it all, I have in place everything I need to socialise as I wish. My friends are there now, I've found my place in the social structure and I have a support system for my incredibly deviant lifestyle

I also know what we all have in common.

CREATIVITY, INDEPENDENCE, INDIVIDUALITY, INTELLIGENCE and of the 20 or so of them. .I don't know if they are D or s or S and neither I nor they give a flying F***

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You can't always get what you want but if try, sometimes, you might get what you need.~~ Rolling Stones

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RE: Where do we fit? - 9/9/2007 1:13:01 AM

e01n

Posts: 1472
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Evanesce
I've often wondered why I have such a hard time finding my "place" within the BDSM community. Specific individuals accept me for who I am, but on the whole, I don't really fit well.

I think this isn't just in the BDSM community - I think that anytime you introduce a "maybe" into a binary logic, people don't know how to react to it.

Which means that the reaction tends to be either fight, flight or fuck.

It's pretty rare that the last option will be the one chosen.

If I'm in a context of playing with strangers that might be uncomfortable with me switching, either I'll flip a coin and say that I'm top or bottom or I'll go with which ever role brings parity closer to the party. Which often means bottoming.

The only problem comes in when I have someone topping me that is just not very good... I'll take it unless they get horribly unsafe, and then afterwards I'll gently offer them constructive input. Often winds up with me demonstrating on them. Definite mindfuck, that, if you're trapped in a yes/no//top/bottom//Dom/sub mindset... More than one party I've been invited *not* to return to when that happens.

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