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RE: sick of dominants? - 4/21/2008 4:24:10 AM

Posts: 734
Joined: 12/19/2007
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To the original poster,

I've had my share of "bullies" both from the internet and munches try to garner my attention, most using the "your deaf so you should feel lucky I'd waste my energy on you". Definately, got to have a sense of humor...just smile, thank them kindly for wasting their time. You don't deserve a bully nor do you want one so practice a little patience, intelligence and be forthright...Thanks but NO thanks.

I don't know maybe I've just been lucky but I've made some terrific life long friendships with both dom's and sub's on and offline that I wouldn't trade for all the money in the world...the saying "We take care of our own" seems to have more meaning within this lifestyle in my opinion.

I wish you the best of luck
Haven

_____________________________

I must first learn to master myself, before I can truly be owned by one.

(in reply to youngsubgeoff)

RE: sick of dominants? - 4/21/2008 4:41:39 AM

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Joined: 4/21/2008
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I don't deal with egotistical dominants. Have self respect and and do not tolerate disrespect. Some want to take advantage of younger subs, don't tolerate that bullshit. Never be afraid to end a relationship with someone you feel is abusive.

(in reply to youngsubgeoff)

RE: sick of dominants? - 4/21/2008 4:53:15 AM

Posts: 1
Joined: 11/10/2005
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Yes, I am sick of most dominants too... so I am just not looking for one anymore. After the last "D/s" relationship, I felt completely empty. I had given everything of myself and got only manipulative feedback in return. I had lost myself. I felt like I had to get away from this guy, eventhough I knew how much it was going to hurt and how manipulatively he would react to rejection. I have stayed out of the scene ever since. I had to find myself again, and no body could really help me there... People in the scene don't want to be confronted with these issues because it's a mirror for their own issues, people who are not in the scene cannot understand what it's all about. It took 10 months to get the last of a series of guys who had mindfucked me out of my head and now, another 6 months later, my view of "the lifestyle" has changed quite drastically.

I too thought I needed to give everything and even got to the point of believing I was not to expect anything in return, that giving without receiving was what being a slave was all about. Now, I believe only very few people who claim to be "dominant" are even capable of controlling their own lives, let alone that of a sub or a slave. I started to ask myself why I felt such a strong need to submit, and why dominants feel such a strong need to dominate. I think it's like a drug. For me, it started with a desire to submit and I didn't even know why. I had that since early childhood. Suddenly, 7 years ago, I discovered this whole world thanks to the internet.... turned out I was not alone with this desire, and that people actually talk about it and negotiate before play! What a relief.... So I jumped into the D/s world with absolutely no understanding of it. Yes I read all the websites, and the ideal image of dominants and subs and slaves, and how you should know what you want and dont want as a sub, "but its still ok if you're just a beginner" (they'll teach you, right). The deeper I went into the scene, the more I desired it. Just like a drug. It is bliss when a dominant takes control, melts away your taboos and takes away your responsabilities. Subspace is very comparable to being high on drugs. Your limits fade. And you want more of that. And more.... untill there is a point when you really are no longer in charge of yourself and the other responsabilities in your life (job, kids, friends, housework). Same pattern as a drug addict. Run away from responsabilities at all cost, even though it all started with only a desire to submit and a desire for someone to tell me I am a good girl. Now there was my clue: I needed constant approval of a dominant because I felt worthless if he didn't. Thats why it was so easy to manipulate me too... a dominant with a little bit of intelligence could just play with my need for approval by only giving me a little and make me hunger (and sacrifice) for more. So why did I need approval? I knew I was a valuable person even without his approval. But deep down, I didn't love myself. I evaluated myself by my moral values. Nothing wrong with my moral values. But that's not enough. Thats not love. Love is a feeling, not a rational scale of good and bad. So I needed to learn to love myself first! I am priority number one, not some dominant.

Why does he need to dominate? Well, basically for the same reason, but from another angle. He too is unable to love himself.. He too is only looking for confirmation from the person he is trying to control... Beneath that veal of super controlling power is a weak little boy who needs to weaken another person so he can feel powerful. The moment a slave or sub stops feeding his ego and starts to critisize, he feels that he loses power, he rejects her all together. "She's not a real submissive" or "You're not worthy of Me".... Just manipulative ways to justify his weakness and turn it into (an illusion of) power.

So what is hardcore D/s more than a twisted mutual need for approval/confirmation/love? My task now (after having gotten out of the scene, out of the addiction) is to find where the line is between "sane and safe" or just a twisted balance of needs. I'll start outside the scene this time. I am not addicted, unless I allow myself to be so. I am in control of that and no dominant should be.

That's just my story in a nutshell... maybe it can help you, maybe not... but in the end, you should be the one in control of your life, no matter how difficult that seems and no matter how soothing it is if somebody else does it for you.

Take good care of yourself, Geoff

(in reply to FullCircle)

RE: sick of dominants? - 4/21/2008 4:59:09 AM

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Joined: 5/31/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: youngsubgeoff

For other subs: Do you ever get sick of dealing with dominants? Does theyre overall ego (and yes, its there) just ever get to the point where you want to start slapping all of them across the face? I know Im sick of most of them, because they cant see more than 3 feet in front of them. Theyre like selfish little children. Why do we do it then? Why do we give and give? Most of us KNOW that theyre not worth it. But still we try. Why? Whats the fucking point?

Why do we need it so badly?

Geoff,

Forget the labels that are imposed, or self styled, it has nothing to do with that. People can be asshats, regardless of what they identify as… domme, dom, sub, slave switch, et al. It’s not label specific.

I don’t know you, but you might have better luck if you start searching beyond the label; that is to say, realise that ‘domme’ etc, is just an incredibly broad category that some people identify themselves under. It doesn’t automatically make them ‘real’, or answerable to some code of dommely honour, or fit that fantasy you may have. You need to be just as wary looking for someone in this lifestyle, as you would in ‘vanilla’.

I know it must be quite painful for you now, but as time goes by you will realise it is just one step in identifying what you do, and do not want in a partner, and what to avoid. But that said, don’t let it jade you - it was one person, not the whole broad ‘group’. Letting it jade you is the lazy persons way of dealing with painful situations. As someone else said, the only constant in your relationships is you, if they are not working out, ask yourself why. It does NOT mean you are to blame for the way you were treated, it means, why are you allowing yourself to be treated like that? What is attracting you to that type of person? It means taking responsibility for yourself and doing something constructive for yourself, as opposed ranting and ‘throwing-hands-up-in-the-air-not-taking-responsibility,-lumping-all-dominants-as-egotistical-assholes-and-telling-everyone-to-fuck-off’.

Hating the world, and telling people to fuck off, but at the same time seeking camaraderie is only isolating yourself, and making you look egotistical. You know that slap around the face that you want to give certain egotistical dominants? Well, that's the same kind of slap that your petulant behaviour will entice from less sympathetic people. I hate to sound harsh, but you obviously seek to make a connection with people in this painful time you are going through, you will only become jaded when you are not aware that your aggression isolates you, and brings negative attention.

I am also assuming from what you’ve said, that your search is primarily internet based? Well that brings a whole new set of issues to an already difficult search. If online is your primary search technique, then seriously, get out in your local BDSM community. Searching only online makes you more prone to the situation you find yourself in.

Good luck in your future search.

_____________________________

I’m sorry, I don’t do autographs

(in reply to youngsubgeoff)

RE: sick of dominants? - 4/21/2008 5:26:15 AM

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Joined: 8/13/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: youngsubgeoff
Why do we need it so badly?

This is the best question you've asked, really. I understand you're upset, and you're having some bad experiences, but years from now I think you will probably look back and realize that none of these "bad dominants" was a super-genius or a mistress of illusion. You probably could have spotted a dozen red flags of inconsideration or flat-out megalomania long before a woman was waving her scalpel at your privates! The question is--why didn't you let yourself notice those red flags and veer off before you were deeply involved with a crazy person, a selfish child, or an egomaniac?

Generalizing about all dominants is not the answer. We're not all jerks, and probably at some level you know it. Nevertheless some part of you may want to believe that we are, and you may be deliberately seeking out dominants who will confirm your fears and doubts about domination, rather than people who give you hope and faith in BDSM as a path to happiness.

So here are a few questions in return. Why do you yneed these bad things to happen to you? Were these people REALLY that brilliant at hiding their damage while you were getting to know them? Is this perhaps a sign that you are not spending enough time getting to know people before you invest emotion in them?

Does it make it easier to deny and fight your submissive nature if you use these people to prove to yourself happiness and BDSM don't mix? That you can't explore your submission with a dominant lover who is kind, considerate and concerned for your well-being? What's really generating all this anger and frustration--the nature of dominants, or your desire not to be submissive?

Leaving aside the issue of self-sabotage and dealing solely with the rant...honestly, I think you are as entitled to be happy and fulfilled in your relationship as anyone. If you're not happy with any given dominant, you just take responsibility for your unhappiness and terminate the relationship. Put on your Big Kid Pants and hit the road. Keep looking and trying until you find someone who makes you happy and does NOT dance the tarantella over your hard limits.

It hurts (and not in the good way), but finding love is never easy. Just a suggestion, but--maybe it would help for you to take a step back and concentrate on making a lot more plain old Platonic friends who are into BDSM, of all orientations? It seems like you're a bit isolated, and it might help to have more perspective and more emotional support while you're looking for a relationship--for that matter, it might help to spend a lot more time getting to know people in general, before you move into anything intimate.

Dominants are just people, some good and some bad. You don't need to judge every single one of us solely by the standard of the last psycho you showed the door.

And maybe you need to work on your screening process. There are ways to sort out the rotten apples other than taking a bite!

_____________________________

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

(in reply to youngsubgeoff)

RE: sick of dominants? - 4/21/2008 5:41:45 AM

Posts: 900
Joined: 9/25/2007
From: The Asylum
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ok, first, Ill admit, I should not have lumped everyone together the way I did, and I apologize for that.

I think my biggest problem is that Ive always had to fight for everything in life, and I dont know when to stop. I need someone to tell me when to stop. I need someone to show me that nothing bad will happen if I put the sword down, then follow through with what they promised me. Ive been lied to alot in my life, Ive been betrayed, beat down, and left for dead more times than I can remember.

The problem with perpetual war is that many innocents are harmed. I am not blameless in life. I have hurt people that I did not intend to. I have done my best to make amends, some have accepted, others have not.

I have been hoping, watching, and praying for someone good to come along. I have been pateint. But the flame of hope is burning low. I dont think I can hold on any longer. For the first time in my life, I am giving up my dreams. This is something I want, but I cannot have it.

_____________________________

You dont need to question my sanity, I can assure you Im quite mad. Its ok though, all the best people are

(in reply to Bound2be)

RE: sick of dominants? - 4/21/2008 6:00:21 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: youngsubgeoff
I have been hoping, watching, and praying for someone good to come along. I have been pateint. But the flame of hope is burning low. I dont think I can hold on any longer. For the first time in my life, I am giving up my dreams. This is something I want, but I cannot have it.

I am so sorry, hon. I understand what you're going through in many ways, and there aren't any easy answers--including giving up, I'm sorry to say. Life will go on, and so will longing. If your nature truly is submissive, it really is not just something you want--it's something you need, and like any need it will drive you all of your life.

That does not mean that the need has to drive you into the arms of bad people or bad experiences. There is a lot of love and joy to be found in this type of relationship, and I have always thought you had a lot to offer, judging by your posts. You can put your sword down, hon, when someone proves herself trustworthy. What is true in most cases is triple-true in your case: never trust someone as a domme that you would not trust as a friend!

The right person will understand that you have suffered and will want to help and heal you--not give you new emotional scars. The right person will understand that you need time to adjust to the dynamic and lower your defenses. (The right person does not own a scalpel!)

Seriously, hon. Have faith in yourself; you are a treasure, and someday you will find the one who treasures you.

_____________________________

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

(in reply to youngsubgeoff)

RE: sick of dominants? - 4/21/2008 6:15:41 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ShaktiSama

quote:

ORIGINAL: youngsubgeoff
I have been hoping, watching, and praying for someone good to come along. I have been pateint. But the flame of hope is burning low. I dont think I can hold on any longer. For the first time in my life, I am giving up my dreams. This is something I want, but I cannot have it.

I am so sorry, hon. I understand what you're going through in many ways, and there aren't any easy answers--including giving up, I'm sorry to say. Life will go on, and so will longing. If your nature truly is submissive, it really is not just something you want--it's something you need, and like any need it will drive you all of your life.

That does not mean that the need has to drive you into the arms of bad people or bad experiences. There is a lot of love and joy to be found in this type of relationship, and I have always thought you had a lot to offer, judging by your posts. You can put your sword down, hon, when someone proves herself trustworthy. What is true in most cases is triple-true in your case: never trust someone as a domme that you would not trust as a friend!

The right person will understand that you have suffered and will want to help and heal you--not give you new emotional scars. The right person will understand that you need time to adjust to the dynamic and lower your defenses. (The right person does not own a scalpel!)

Seriously, hon. Have faith in yourself; you are a treasure, and someday you will find the one who treasures you.

I have been blessed recently to learn to never give up hope, to not give up a dream and to keep believing, even when it seems impossible. I learned this through a wonderful Dominant I met here on CM, who I am now moving out to and will be collared in July, after coming to think that I will never find a Dominant and be single for the rest of my life. Geoff, as has been said, don't lump all Dominants together because that does them, and you, a disservice. Yes, there are some doozies out there - I think we all have horror stories we could share. I've got a whopper I'll share if you're interested, just drop me a cmail on the other side. But there are good ones, and great ones, along with the bad. If you give up on all of them, yes, you won't deal with the bad ones again, but you won't find that great one either.

< Message edited by LadyRainfire -- 4/21/2008 6:57:35 AM >

_____________________________

"Desire is an insatiable beast. Sample your strongest dreams, and you will only crave more." ~ Master

~ one half of "L&L"~

My current state of mind

(in reply to ShaktiSama)

RE: sick of dominants? - 4/21/2008 6:32:01 AM

Posts: 900
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From: The Asylum
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Shakiti, thank you for your kind words. I know my life isnt that bad overall. I have a good job with an excellent company, I have some good friends, an awesome band, and a strong family, but having your heart torn out hurts. Ill be ok. I just dont think Im going to find what Im looking for.

I just feel like a puzzle missing one peice.

_____________________________

You dont need to question my sanity, I can assure you Im quite mad. Its ok though, all the best people are

(in reply to ShaktiSama)

RE: sick of dominants? - 4/21/2008 6:45:20 AM

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Op I wish that all the dam Doms would go away also. Mmmm so Im greedy.

(in reply to youngsubgeoff)

RE: sick of dominants? - 4/21/2008 7:13:51 AM

Posts: 900
Joined: 9/25/2007
From: The Asylum
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hehehe, smartass... kinda like that

_____________________________

You dont need to question my sanity, I can assure you Im quite mad. Its ok though, all the best people are

(in reply to Dnomyar)

RE: sick of dominants? - 4/21/2008 8:47:02 AM

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Joined: 5/19/2007
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They must treat me with all the respect and dignity of a queen, before I will become their slut. Sounds backwards? Maybe.

(in reply to youngsubgeoff)

RE: sick of dominants? - 4/21/2008 9:54:03 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: youngsubgeoff

that seems to be thr trouble: I get to the point where I trust them enough to submit, then they change. They want things we never agreed on, trying to coerce me into them (one wanted to castrate me). Either that, or they stop listening. They stop showing that they like me as a person. They always want money, or they want a younger man to make themselves feel good. Never mind the fact that Im an actual human being with feelings, it seems that just because Im a sub, Im worthless. Understand, this is not over a few week period, this is over months, some Ive even known for years.

I think Im really angry at myself, for putting so much of my heart into this. Im so sick of having to pick up the shreds afterwards. It just feels right, and my heart says "go for it". Why cant I find a good one, and they actually be a good dominant? Why do I have to dive in head first all the time? I cant submit without my heart being in it.

First... on the castrating thing....WTF??? NEVER break your toys!!

Ok, I feel better now.

Geoff... There isn't a lot that your saying or feeling that I haven't said or felt. It's same on both sides of the kneel. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time of it.

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to youngsubgeoff)

RE: sick of dominants? - 4/21/2008 11:39:26 AM

Ellsa

Posts: 37
Joined: 6/16/2007
From: minnesota
Status: offline

Dear youngsubgeoff,
Am I sick of dominants? Only some of them. Why do I give and give? Because I need to. Why do I need to give? Because it is in my soul. It is a part of me that I have recognized as beautiful and I will not change just because some overgrown schoolyard bully comes along.
Please reread SteelofUtah's post(s). He has remarkable clarity of thinking for someone so young. ( I mean that in a nice way)
I fully realize that the "one" meant for me may or may not come along in this life time. I try to accept the things I can't change and know that I am for the most part a lousy judge. If it is meant to happen, it will, in it's own time. I had to spend some time making peace with that.
Wearing your heart on your sleeve is not a crime.
If you are going to break my heart, break it like you mean it.
If all else fails, meditation is what works for me.
Hope this helps,
ellsa
PS:The content of this letter is my opinion only, nothing is etched in stone.

(in reply to youngsubgeoff)

RE: sick of dominants? - 4/21/2008 11:45:47 AM

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Ellsa so nothing etched in stone. Do you have any tattos????

(in reply to Ellsa)

RE: sick of dominants? - 4/21/2008 11:51:10 AM

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Joined: 12/19/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: youngsubgeoff

Shakiti, thank you for your kind words. I know my life isnt that bad overall. I have a good job with an excellent company, I have some good friends, an awesome band, and a strong family, but having your heart torn out hurts. Ill be ok. I just dont think Im going to find what Im looking for.

I just feel like a puzzle missing one peice.

Have you ever torn your house apart looking for something you desperately need? You look everywhere even places that make no sense for it to be there like the freezer...finally, you give up, move on and two weeks later it pops up out of the blue.

I have this theory that if I push too hard and try too hard to find the love I think I deserve, the very thing I actually need might go un-noticed.

*sighs* it made more sense in my head, sorry.

Here's to hoping you can translate the intention behind my words,
Haven

_____________________________

I must first learn to master myself, before I can truly be owned by one.

(in reply to youngsubgeoff)

RE: sick of dominants? - 4/21/2008 11:56:08 AM

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Joined: 1/26/2008
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I have to agree with softness there are many subs who don't really submitt they only do what they want to do, are you one of these subs? if so it could be causing "rebellion" in your Dommes. If this is not you, rethink what you are stating as your needs, see if you've left out anything and have open discussions about your needs when you see things getting bad.

(in reply to youngsubgeoff)

RE: sick of dominants? - 4/21/2008 2:25:13 PM

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Joined: 3/4/2007
From: Georgia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

quote:

ORIGINAL: FlamingRedhead

I'm sick of people who think they want to own someone, yet won't take any responsibility for the care and maintenance of owning said person.

You'll be a lot happier when you realize that you don't really need them. Once you do, you'll be much slower in wanting to please the next one, which will give you time to decide if they're worth it.

I'd like to know just what the "care and maintenance" of owning a slave or submissive is. Cause what might constitute care and maintenance to you might just be an anethma to me. And your next line answered yourself quite well. You might want to keep it in mind the next time you're looking for someone to do what you can do for yourself. "You don't really NEED them."

I've posted several articles in my journal that I believe explain what I mean. Sure, I don't need them. I was fine before I met the douchebags (thanks, Hippie), and I'm fine now.

The best piece of advice I ever received when I was alone was from a dominant in Toronto who was a friend of mine. He said he was looking for someone who had her stuff together. He wanted someone who could probably do things better than he could, but CHOSE to turn over decision making to him - CHOSE to be obedient to him. He said he didn't WANT someone he HAD to watch over and take care of. He already had children. What he wanted was a fully self-sustainable female human being who chose to live life the way he wanted - not someone who couldn't live life without direction.

Umm...yeah...that sounds like a lot of the guys around here. *rme*

Maybe it was just the timing of it all, but that piece of advice set me on a completely different path in my search for a dominant. I realized then that I had everything I needed and I was looking for someone I wanted - which gave me a whole hell of a lot of power when it came to interacting with the dominants I met. From that point on, I was able to look at the dominants I met, not as someone who would take care of me, but as someone I might want to choose to turn decision making over to. And it made all the difference in the people I was choosing to meet.

Eventually I found someone who recognized that I didn't need someone to take care of me. I needed someone I could submit to. He wasn't looking for someone to take care of. He was looking for someone who would submit. It's worked for us now for a long time.

You might want to change the focus of your search.

juliet

I don't think I'll be changing the focus of my search to someone who wants to take someone who is fine by herself and get her to turn over all decision making to him without him taking any responsibility. If all he wants to do is make trivial decisions, like where we go for dinner, and not devise a plan to share financial burdens, i.e. with price of gas I can't afford to do all the driving 1 1/2 hours each way, then he's not anyone I want to know.

_____________________________

I'm so addicted to
All the things you do
When you're going down on me
In between the sheets
Or the sound you make
With every breath you take
It's unlike anything
When you're loving me

(in reply to julietsierra)

RE: sick of dominants? - 4/21/2008 3:42:57 PM

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Joined: 8/8/2005
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We attract what familiar even if it's bad. You need to stop and think about who you are and why your doing this to yourself.

(in reply to youngsubgeoff)

RE: sick of dominants? - 4/21/2008 5:34:34 PM

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Joined: 6/18/2004
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quote:

Do you ever get sick of dealing with dominants?

No.......but then again, I don't give whiney lil' bitch boys the time of day. Problem solved.

_____________________________

=It's not my fault that when I was a baby I was dropped in a box of Glitter & I have been shinin' ever since=

�*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,-:* �

(in reply to youngsubgeoff)

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