Topping from the bottom? Or is it a bad idea?

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Topping from the bottom? Or is it a bad idea? - 6/8/2008 8:21:03 PM

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I have the chance to get involved with someone I still have feelings for. He's a good man, treated me very well when we were together, and I haven't seen him for about two years. We are both young, but we both get the "you're so wise for your age!" bit. He's dabbled, I've dabbled, and we had a two hour conversation this afternoon about getting together again. The conversation, of course, steered towards sex and how lonely we both are and he confessed that he had always wanted to do dirty, nasty things to me (that I would thoroughly enjoy) but he never knew I wouldn't be freaked out if he told me those things and figured he had nothing to lose by telling me now.

So we're going to meet in a month or two when he finally comes home from being over seas and we're going to see how we can manage being friends and then see if anything else developes. I've done tons of reading (because I was born with a book in my hand) and I feel confident that I can help a BDSM type relationship along if he does his part. I don't know if I trust him to do his part, but I'm very interested in finding out. I feel confident that I've got my head screwed on right. I've never had a problem with telling him how I feel, what I want, what I need and I believe he's the same way except for his fear of scaring me off.

So my question is, can I really top from the bottom like some of the books say? I'm just not sure how I could go about it and not feel like I'm taking over, which is not something I would be happy with. I know it'd involve a lot of play and "show and tell" type stuff but can all of that really lead to a lasting, solid relationship if it's meant to be?

RE: Topping from the bottom? Or is it a bad idea? - 6/8/2008 8:24:02 PM

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I have no idea if you can. Play is never what leads to a lasting solid relationship. You already don't really trust him to do his part, so I think you're counting a few too many chickens at this point. Why not start talking about it with him now? It's obvious you've both already thought about it, you're just doing some summer reading. Why not share the reading?

Would you worry about topping from the bottom if he'd expressed an interest in cooking and you also really wanted to learn how to be a good cook and make great meals together?

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RE: Topping from the bottom? Or is it a bad idea? - 6/8/2008 8:34:47 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I have no idea if you can. Play is never what leads to a lasting solid relationship. You already don't really trust him to do his part, so I think you're counting a few too many chickens at this point. Why not start talking about it with him now? It's obvious you've both already thought about it, you're just doing some summer reading. Why not share the reading?

Would you worry about topping from the bottom if he'd expressed an interest in cooking and you also really wanted to learn how to be a good cook and make great meals together?

When I say I don't trust him to do his part, I mean - what happens when he's done with me and I need to be held? Will he understand that need and gladly give it? Will he have a good, solid understanding of what limits mean, safe words, all that good stuff that is around in the beginning? I've NEVER done anything like this with him so I have no idea about that part of his personality except what we talked about today. (Although common sense tells me he's a kind, caring man who only wants the best for me since he treated me so well before.)

I also understand that play doesn't lead to a solid relationship, but it's a good way for me to find if he has what it takes to be what I need. I'm just really concerned if it's possible for me to help lead the relationship along to try it out without going into excess or if others have had the experience and it doesn't work at all.

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RE: Topping from the bottom? Or is it a bad idea? - 6/8/2008 8:43:00 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: yellowseeksred

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I have no idea if you can. Play is never what leads to a lasting solid relationship. You already don't really trust him to do his part, so I think you're counting a few too many chickens at this point. Why not start talking about it with him now? It's obvious you've both already thought about it, you're just doing some summer reading. Why not share the reading?

Would you worry about topping from the bottom if he'd expressed an interest in cooking and you also really wanted to learn how to be a good cook and make great meals together?

When I say I don't trust him to do his part, I mean - what happens when he's done with me and I need to be held? Will he understand that need and gladly give it? Will he have a good, solid understanding of what limits mean, safe words, all that good stuff that is around in the beginning? I've NEVER done anything like this with him so I have no idea about that part of his personality except what we talked about today. (Although common sense tells me he's a kind, caring man who only wants the best for me since he treated me so well before.)

I also understand that play doesn't lead to a solid relationship, but it's a good way for me to find if he has what it takes to be what I need. I'm just really concerned if it's possible for me to help lead the relationship along to try it out without going into excess or if others have had the experience and it doesn't work at all.

I think LA already gave you all the information you need. Talk about all those things now. Give him the resources to get the information, either over the net or by sending him the books or whatever.

You seem to be a little panicked over something that is supposed to take place in a couple of months. Use the time wisely and you will both benefit. At this point, think of it as mutual exploration and less about topping from the bottom. Who knows where his journey will lead him? The only thing we can know is that good communication is the best foundation for a relationship, so start communicating with him.

well wishes ~ fairer than she

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(in reply to yellowseeksred)

RE: Topping from the bottom? Or is it a bad idea? - 6/8/2008 8:59:46 PM

dreamerdreaming

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Why did you break up before, if he's such a great guy? Make sure you both understand what went wrong before, so you don't make the same mistakes.

Communicate your doubts and fears to him. How he responds will tell you a lot about him. He needs to be able to properly address your concerns, or they'll just grow.
And let him know what you need to get out of your submission. That's not topping from the bottom. That's just letting him know your needs.

But in order for him to be able to earn your trust, you'll hafta advance him some, to start.

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RE: Topping from the bottom? Or is it a bad idea? - 6/8/2008 9:04:54 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: yellowseeksred

... He's a good man, treated me very well when we were together,...

So my question is, can I really top from the bottom like some of the books say? I'm just not sure how I could go about it and not feel like I'm taking over, which is not something I would be happy with. I know it'd involve a lot of play and "show and tell" type stuff but can all of that really lead to a lasting, solid relationship if it's meant to be?

You don't really say whether he's looking for a BDSM relationship or a girl he can spank. Although he may be interested in some very kinky things, if he's actually vanilla, chances are good that he won't understand "limits", and "Safe words", and "aftercare" mean. However, that doesn't mean he won't respect them.
     You say he's a good man who treated you well. I venture to say that a good man, if he's aware of your limits and understands when you safeword that you don't want to play anymore, that he will respect those things. If you're looking just for some rough sex, a vanilla man can easily oblige and be safe about it without a whole bundle of BDSM learnin' under his belt.

   If you’re looking for the whole Dom/sub experience, you might want to make sure that he knows a bit about bdsm and doesn’t just want to have sex with you. If you’re getting all sub-frenzied and want to experience sub-space and Florentine flogging and getting collared, you’re probably not going to get that from a vanilla guy who just likes kinky sex.

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RE: Topping from the bottom? Or is it a bad idea? - 6/9/2008 12:46:23 AM

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Being a newbie, find this an interestig topic. Since I'm new, I would expect a lot of feedback from a submissive, and as long as it is feedback and not demands of what to do, I would not have a problem with this. Though when I read other threads/comments about this I find that a lot of people say this is topping from the bottom. I find this interesting since without communication, how can one progress through the beginnings of a relationship?

< Message edited by sinstech -- 6/9/2008 12:47:11 AM >

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RE: Topping from the bottom? Or is it a bad idea? - 6/9/2008 4:33:32 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: yellowseeksred

Will he have a good, solid understanding of what limits mean, safe words, all that good stuff that is around in the beginning?

Most people who give a shit and care about their partner already utilize the concepts of safe word and limits in a way they probably aren't aware of. It's basic common sense and BDSM just institutionalized it.

If you think he genuinely cares for you and your well being, I don't think you have much to worry about. Just talk to him.

How did you have sex in a positive and safe way before you learned about safe words and limits?

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(in reply to yellowseeksred)

RE: Topping from the bottom? Or is it a bad idea? - 6/9/2008 4:59:41 AM

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You two would benefit from filling out a bdsm checklist of things you are or are not interested in. Rank them in terms of interest and start with those things you both think of as "WOW". Include aftercare on your negotiation list.

But finding out if you have any basic compatibilities should be done prior to climbing into bed together, and that includes whether or not you both want sex. Aftercare is one of those things that need to be discussed first.

None of this means you are topping from the bottom. It does mean you are communicating wisely concerning your wants and dislikes, and what you need to have a scene so enjoyable that you leave wanting to do it again. Talk to him about it, all of it.

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RE: Topping from the bottom? Or is it a bad idea? - 6/9/2008 5:03:12 AM

RCdc

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You simply have to ask him. Talk about safewords, if that is your thing. Explain to him you need to be held after play. Communicate and discuss things now, rather than later. Send him a couple of books to get started and then discuss it with him - or recommend some books so he can look them up.
Talk about BDSM. Talk about what you enjoy doing. It's not topping to bring up concerns or ideas or to explore his intentions or understanding.

the.dark.

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RE: Topping from the bottom? Or is it a bad idea? - 6/9/2008 7:38:13 AM

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Send him one of the better bdsm books, if he is overseas he has plenty of downtime in which to read.

Also, as everyone has said, TALK to him, not just exchange words but be open. Think about the fact you both would have liked to do kinky stuff but were afraid to talk about it. That fear prevented you from actually communicating.

You can't top someone from the bottom unless they permit it and frankly, when you are new, it isn't always a bad idea. No decent dominant or top wants LESS information, we are all greedy and want everything so don't hold back. That didn't help last time, did it?

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RE: Topping from the bottom? Or is it a bad idea? - 6/9/2008 8:56:01 AM

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Thank you everyone for the great advice. We definitely plan on talking a LOT about it all.

As far as why we broke up, he joined the military and went over to Germany for a year, and then moved to California for two years.We tried to maintain a long distance relationship but it just didn't work for us. Now he'll be stationed an hour away from me and we'll be able to see each other often.

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RE: Topping from the bottom? Or is it a bad idea? - 6/9/2008 2:20:54 PM

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honest DIRECT communication beforehand will limit or even eliminate many of these issues BEFORE they happen. Most issues in relationships relate to lack of / failure to / scared to / can't be forced to COMMUNICATE. Doing the communication before there is an issue is so much better than all the communication in the world after an issue. Don't worry that will still happen, just hopefully much less often.

GO to Alt or somewhere else and crib their fetish checklist so you guys are on the same page and he'll have some idea going in and so will you.

(in reply to yellowseeksred)

RE: Topping from the bottom? Or is it a bad idea? - 6/9/2008 5:25:29 PM

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I'm kinda confused. The concept of "topping from the bottom" implies a solid D/s relationship in which both know their roles, and the sub steps out of his/her role and tries to run things.

Before the relationship is set, if you're not designated as the sub, you cannot top from the bottom. You'd be switching instead.

Are you contemplating simply sharing your thoughts and feelings? An experienced Dom shouldn't have any issues with that. An inexperienced Dom absolutely NEEDS that.

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RE: Topping from the bottom? Or is it a bad idea? - 6/9/2008 5:40:03 PM

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Here's my biggest piece of advice! Stop being worried about it, you and him just communicate about WTF is going on and enjoy it when you get together. Even if this means that you step outside the stereotyping of your Orientattion (sub,dom,switch).    Basically just take a deep breath relax, take things the natural route and remember to communicate with one another along the way.   I'm certain you guys can figure it out just fine without you having to read 101 more things about it.

Nobody tossed me anybody books or things to read about how a Dom and Domme can play together. We just figured it all out in our own.

I don't care how much you read, it's what is right for you and him, is the way things will work out.   Find the common ground and do it.

If you are happy with the results and he is happy with the results, screw what the hell anybody else thinks. Screw anything else you have read.

Communication between you two regarding this is the Key to making it work.

< Message edited by Owner4SexSlave -- 6/9/2008 5:42:25 PM >

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RE: Topping from the bottom? Or is it a bad idea? - 6/9/2008 6:19:56 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: yellowseeksred
I've done tons of reading (because I was born with a book in my hand) and I feel confident that I can help a BDSM type relationship along if he does his part. I don't know if I trust him to do his part, but I'm very interested in finding out.

Well, I think you'll never find out if you try to do his job for him. - Since he already seems to have a few ideas he want to try out, that seems the obvious place to start, and maybe you'll find it is easier for you trust the whole situation after that. - I saw your follow up post and that you already see the need for proper communication. If there are books you've read that have influenced you, it can also be useful to share some of that with him (either the actual books or the thoughts you have about them), but make sure that you set aside a specific time for discussion etc. so that you are able to simply follow his lead when those things have been sorted through. Have fun!

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RE: Topping from the bottom? Or is it a bad idea? - 6/9/2008 9:10:41 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
I'm kinda confused. The concept of "topping from the bottom" implies a solid D/s relationship in which both know their roles, and the sub steps out of his/her role and tries to run things.

That's only one definition. The other is where the bottom teaches the top how they like things, how to do particular skills, the ways and means.

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RE: Topping from the bottom? Or is it a bad idea? - 6/9/2008 9:15:33 PM

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You've got a few months...spend it asking him questions. Don't wait until he gets home to find out if he can do the things that you want/need.

Master Fire

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RE: Topping from the bottom? Or is it a bad idea? - 6/10/2008 4:07:08 AM

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Hi Yellow

Sounds like a wonderful journey ahead for you both. I use the word journey on purpose, because most who are honest will tell you it is ALL a process. Life...this...our experiences.
I read in your comments almost a fear ....that it won't be perfect or correct. It won't be, and that's ok and part of the FUN, if you let it be.
Communication , as alot were suggesting, until you are together again, is a great idea. Time well utilized. But, even after, the communication will be an ongoing thing, as you try things and get to know one another again.
I find when I am filled with expectations I am setting myself up for dissappointment...and I am also choosing to be the one in control.
Build the basic relationship first, determine for yourselves the role dynamics ( or even if there will be a role specifics...not all relationships are ds ...some people really just want the kink w/o the power exchange or ds structure) and then add the slap and tickle stuff as things naturally evolve.
Fear of whether he will take care of you when you are vulnerable > isn't exclusive to a ds or bdsm relationship. It's part of the newness, in any relationship, and only time and built trust will cure/curb that fear.

Patience and time. Try not to lose focus on the happiness because you are fixated on the worries..

I wish you lots of all three : )

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(in reply to yellowseeksred)

RE: Topping from the bottom? Or is it a bad idea? - 6/10/2008 3:18:24 PM

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Don't be afraid to guide him. I've talked to many submissives that never get what they want out of play, because they are afraid of that "topping from the bottom" crap.

Ignore it.

Besides, he'll think it's hot if you can beg him to do it... rather than tell him. There's a right way to do everything.

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