RE: It's Eating Away At Me

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RE: It's Eating Away At Me - 6/18/2008 9:03:27 AM

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Maybe it's because I haven't had any caffeine yet (the horror!), but for some reason I thought I should tell you, just because he deleted the email address that he used for that site doesn't mean he doesn't have a dozen OTHER email addresses. I wouldn't put any meaning into his act of deleting that email address.

Cali

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RE: It's Eating Away At Me - 6/18/2008 9:18:02 AM

sambamanslilgirl

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apologies for not reading the entire thread however your response from last night caught my eye.

quote:

Also I have came to the conclusion that he doesn't have time to cheat on me. We spend every waking moment together except when he goes to work. I take him to his job and pick him up after work at five. Also he is home with me all the time and doesn't go anywhere with out me or me without him.

i used to think that way when my ex suddenly told me (3 months after the birth of our 2nd daughter) he didn't love me anymore. i came to the conclusion he didn't have any possible time to cheat on me however the signs were there - leaving extra early in the morning to arriving home late at night without wanting to eat dinner ...he went straight to bed. i knew his job schedule baackwards and forwards at the restuarant where he worked but i couldn't believe it until one of the waitresses dropped the bomb. he told everyone i couldn't attend a party beecause i couldn't find a sitter (which he didn't tell me about) and that's when she asked me his "sister's" name - he doesn't have one.

long story short he denied everything and then changed his story about his so-called "sister" yet he accused me when he filed first for divorce that i was the one cheating on him.

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RE: It's Eating Away At Me - 6/18/2008 9:49:21 AM

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quote:

We spend every waking moment together except when he goes to work.

That's the very place he may be cheating.

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RE: It's Eating Away At Me - 6/18/2008 9:56:50 AM

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I'm still keeping up with the saga.
Some scattered thoughts:
Now wifey is sick. The immune system takes a tumble after a shock like this.
He doesn't have time!!!????But wifey has the time to post here about it DURING THE DAY.
He admitted to being on that site right? are we agreed? My thoughts are, (speaking from experience) sometimes a wife turns into a mother and husbands feel stifled. Maybe he just wants to feel he could still be attractive to somebody else?
And only those hell bent on proving monogamy can work against all the odds would get themselves in a pickle like this.
Et voila! another shilling's worth.

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RE: It's Eating Away At Me - 6/18/2008 3:42:45 PM

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you deserve what you put up with and nothing more...

and as for dark victory, well, there's a reason why he's trying to import a slave while in the middle of his divorce; everything he spouted off in this thread is an indicator of those reasons.

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RE: It's Eating Away At Me - 6/18/2008 3:55:56 PM

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My pragmatic (and probably unpopular) approach:

Fidelity is one of those things you can never prove. Someone can be faithful and you will NEVER know if they really are. In fact, the odds are that they probably are not. But since it is an issue I really have no control over, and no promise of certain knowledge; I try not to worry about it too much.

If the rest of the relationship is wonderful, then "he" is not going to leave me for a piece of strange cunt. If the relationship is so bad that I am worried about him leaving me, I have bigger issues than what he is doing with his dick.

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RE: It's Eating Away At Me - 6/18/2008 4:16:50 PM

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accipitris,
we come close to agreeing, except i am not monogamoous at my core, and, truly, i couldn't care less who he is or is not fucking.
What i do think is that many monogamous women have faithful husbands, and they waste it, with their constant worry that he is not.
You either trust the person you are in a relationship with to keep your basic relationship agreements, whatever they may be, or you do not. If you do not, what the fuck are you doing there in the first place?

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RE: It's Eating Away At Me - 6/18/2008 4:32:17 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske

You either trust the person you are in a relationship with to keep your basic relationship agreements, whatever they may be, or you do not. If you do not, what the fuck are you doing there in the first place?

Here's another shilling's worth.
I've been 'married' three times. I went into each on the basis of trust. But it was an arse about face kind of trust. It was trust built on a day dream. It was built on not really knowing that person. It was built each time on a dictionary defintion of trust that bore no resemblance to trust as a process.
I trust someone now on the basis of an instinct which I am NOT prepared to go against again. If there is the slightest whiff of something being witheld frrom me (a more/less/equally significant other is only one example) then I slowly retreat from the process of relationship making.
I would far rather have a 'bad' guy who told the truth than a good guy witholding the truth. That's a clear as day to me. Being in the submissive position? my bdsm orientation does not make any difference to what I now believe forms the only basis of any relationship: trust.
If there is a rope that bound me I would expect the knots to be sound. If there is an invisible thread that binds me, the nature of which only I can see, I still expect the craftsman to be trustworthy in tieing it.

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RE: It's Eating Away At Me - 6/18/2008 6:40:52 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

Why were you snooping in his email in the first place? You don't need advice from the CM forums, you need advice from a professional marriage counselor. Clearly, there are larger issues you have not dealt with in this situation.

I Ditto these words!!!!!

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RE: It's Eating Away At Me - 6/18/2008 6:42:31 PM

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I join lots of sites...alot of the time I show them to my sub..often I forget too..I like to see whats out there..doesn't mean I act on it..did he in in fact.Act on it..??? other than joining the site?..But I agree..there Has to be more than whats being told here..What else happened Befor this?????..and Why were You checking his mail?? [goes back to what happened befor]

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RE: It's Eating Away At Me - 6/18/2008 10:12:02 PM

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Well, this will be unpopular, I'm sure, but...most people seem to be very down on someone being so willing to lie. The thing is, I find it difficult to pass judgment, even in support of another, without knowing why it happened. Sure, it could be a lie. Yes, he could be cheating. But most people, I would think, enter a marriage with every full intent of being faithful forever, and that includes the many men and women who wind up lying and cheating to cover up something they just don't know how to deal with. Someone who cheats is not necessarily a coward or a bad person, but could easily be someone who is facing something he/she has not faced before and just doesn't know yet how to handle it or hasn't screwed up the courage yet to take the responsibility to handle their unhappiness properly. Possibly someone has some real identity issues or is trying to resolve an inner conflict that has nothing to do with having an affair and everything to do with how they wound up in place in which they would consider having an affair in the first place. (And no, I've never had an extramarital affair, in case it appears that my opinions are from personal experience.) This is not to discount the OP's feelings. Just because her partner may not know how to handle himself doesn't mean that she has the same problem. But I cannot believe that a good marriage is subject to dissolution and I cannot believe that all people who have affairs are disrespectful and cowardly, despite appearances. I feel there is always something more and at the very least, if this is an actual affair and if she did wind up ending the marriage, possibly understanding exactly why it happened will help in the healing process afterwards. Note I didn't say take blame for what happened, but just understand what happened.

Yes, I'm sure that cowardly, lying, men (and women) are out there and that some of our lives have been affected by such, but I just can't be so quick to judge a person based on so little knowledge of the situation.

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RE: It's Eating Away At Me - 6/19/2008 6:33:26 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WarriorsGirl
The thing is, I find it difficult to pass judgment, even in support of another, without knowing why it happened.

Personally, I think that unless I'm brain dead and being kept alive by life support....there is no legimitate reason for cheating. If you're cheating because you don't know how to approach issues in your life....then that is being a coward. It's a crutch for your inaction.

You're engaging in something that you KNOW will hurt your partner. You're engaging in something that shows a lack of respect for your partner.

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RE: It's Eating Away At Me - 6/19/2008 6:35:00 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkVictory

Also, this hysteria around 'cheating' brings to mind an anology. Stealing money. If someone is stealing money, or food, or whatever, there are a couple of possible reasons. One, and the reason that seems to be bandied about in the thread a lot is that the 'perpetrator' is a compulsive, habitual, nearly psychotic liar and cheat who cannot be trusted, etc etc.

Another reason, of course, is that the thief needs the money, and that if he had access to more money/bread/whatever, he'd not have stolen.

It may not apply to the OP at all, but just how often was the horrible-terrible-lying-cheating-thug-asshole dom getting pussy thrown at him with passion, enthusiasm, eagerness, and vigor? How often was he being offered anal sex, blow jobs, quickies before dinner, frottage, etc? I'm not blaming the 'victim' - cause she's not a victim.

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RE: It's Eating Away At Me - 6/19/2008 6:48:33 AM

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you know the cool thing about not cheating is you can say that you hold to great values and respect people i guess there really is a different class of humans good to see that some values are still here

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RE: It's Eating Away At Me - 6/19/2008 7:05:29 AM

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I might have lost the plot here and I guess we can speculate all we want. The way I see it the cement in a marriage isn't the holding hands, being together or even the sex but what you do when the shit hits the fan. The OP states seven years of marriage, she got married in her teens, she's in her 20's, I don't know the other side of the story, but from my perspective it's all about whatever positive can be brought out of the situation. Therefore if she's trying to work her issues out with her husband then for me at least kudos to her, and I sincerely hope it works out for the best for both of them.

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RE: It's Eating Away At Me - 6/19/2008 10:14:37 AM

Daddyslilpookie

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Thank you Stella for the kind words

. Master and I are working it out we are intimate again. I think he feels really bad about it because he wants to hold me all the time. I was acting cool and distant towards him because I was extremely angry, and i still am kind of angry. I think he knows he made a BIG mistake with me.

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RE: It's Eating Away At Me - 6/19/2008 12:09:01 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Daddyslilpookie

Thank you Stella for the kind words. Master and I are working it out we are intimate again. I think he feels really bad about it because he wants to hold me all the time. I was acting cool and distant towards him because I was extremely angry, and i still am kind of angry. I think he knows he made a BIG mistake with me.

Glad to hear that pookie. For us, His forgiveness and our improved communication after my affair actually brought us closer.

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RE: It's Eating Away At Me - 6/19/2008 6:45:57 PM

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quote:

quote:

:ORIGINAL: Daddyslilpookie Thank you Stella for the kind words. Master and I are working it out we are intimate again. I think he feels really bad about it because he wants to hold me all the time. I was acting cool and distant towards him because I was extremely angry, and i still am kind of angry. I think he knows he made a BIG mistake with me.
Glad to hear that pookie. For us, His forgiveness and our improved communication after my affair actually brought us closer.

And, I am sorry to hear this, pookie. I hope you and your Daddy truly work it out, get to a place that is happy for both of you, and where you feel you can trust deeply, with abonandon, and with justificaiton.
Being cool and distant and feeling angry and hurt are not good or happy places to be, even when things are 'improved'. What good is attention from him that comes only when you can't enjoy it becuase you have to be cool and angry to get it? (no, i am not saying that is where you are, i am saying, i have been there, and it sucks. I hope that you are not there, or, that, if you are, you and your Daddy can find your way back.)
Best wishes, pookie.

< Message edited by tsatske -- 6/19/2008 6:47:20 PM >

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