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Working with a Doms busy schedule? - 8/4/2008 1:09:25 AM

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This isn't a specific "Master" question so I hope it's ok if I post it here.
Basically, I met an amazing local Dom through here that agreed to train me after we met. We have a lot in common (and have agreed that no matter what, we'll be ace friends together.) However, he's become so busy with his work that he's not sure if we can keep pursuing the D/s relationship. I understand busy schedules, and normally I'd just quietly leave... but I got REALLY lucky in finding a great guy I respect the hell out of that's actually a match in this "lifestyle" (for lack of a better word.) He's very experienced, active in the local BDSM community and very understanding of my novice status and taking things slow.

I'm crazy about him and the thought of being submissive to him especially. Basically, I'm hoping for advice on how to keep him my Dom. Obviously it's his choice it he changes his mind, but we were going to talk about it before any decisions were made. I'd like to make it very clear to him that I wouldn't complain at all or make demands on his time- that I'm basically fine with being put on the shelf until He's ready/has the time to take me down from it.
I'm not some desperate doormat, I just know how hard it is to find someone in the D/s vein locally that I connect with so well, and He's more than worth waiting and re-arranging my schedule for. He's does seem very happy with me, and has made comments like "you're an amazing woman", "you're a joy to be around" and "you honor me with your submission everyday" so I don't think he's just trying to get rid of me.

So any advice/thoughts (especially from very busy Doms & Masters who could see themselves in or have been in a similar situation) would mean the world to me. Pointers on how to explain this clearly without sounding like a needy idiot and hopefully having him realize I'd be a great and understanding sub to his lifestyle, in short. :) Thanks so much for your time!

RE: Working with a Doms busy schedule? - 8/4/2008 4:15:09 AM

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Actions speak louder than words - pure and simple....

Despite all the sentiments he's expressed, the fact is you make time for the people who are important to you, particularly those new in your life - but he's busy....

Sorry.

Focus.

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RE: Working with a Doms busy schedule? - 8/4/2008 4:51:11 AM

sambamanslilgirl

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what Focus said - actions do speak louder than words.

Daddy has very tight and busy schedule from 13-14hrs of seeing patients to filling out insurance paperwork as well as personal activities yet somehow He manages to spend time with me. He knows it means the world to me just having Him phone between patients or if He's working late to chat online from the office. and no matter busy our weekends are, we still make time for each other.

i wish you luck.

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RE: Working with a Doms busy schedule? - 8/4/2008 5:11:52 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

Actions speak louder than words - pure and simple....

Despite all the sentiments he's expressed, the fact is you make time for the people who are important to you, particularly those new in your life - but he's busy....

Sorry.

Focus.

Very sad but very true.

(in reply to Focus50)

RE: Working with a Doms busy schedule? - 8/4/2008 5:15:53 AM

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I am not going to disagree with the other posters.

However, I would simply state that if you explained it to him exactly like you did here. Talk to him honestly, afterall you are going to be "ace friends no matter what". If he is truly interested and honest he will let you know, one way or the other.

Good luck,
Thadius

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When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends." ~ Japanese Proverb

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RE: Working with a Doms busy schedule? - 8/4/2008 6:06:50 AM

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Hmmmm..... I love my boys. But I do have a rather hectic R/L also. Scheduling play time can be rather difficult. I have a husband & son to deal with. I work 6 days a week. If I'm going to session, I like at least a 5 to 6 hour block of time and that can be difficult to find. I get ONE weekend a year that I can do pretty much whatever I want. I actually had THREE subs turn down that chance to spend two days and two nights with me before my Westie jumped on the chance.

So... you see... that 'Busy' pendulum can swing both ways.

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RE: Working with a Doms busy schedule? - 8/4/2008 7:46:55 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

the fact is you make time for the people who are important to you, particularly those new in your life - but he's busy....

I'm going to disagree a little bit. From what I'm reading from the OP the relationship is rather casual. His job/career/business is his priority at this point in his life, and he's being honest about it. It doesn't mean that he doesn't think that she's an amazing, wonderful person who he enjoys spending time with. It just means he's not in a place to be in a serious relationship. And kudos to him for being upfront about it.

We have a friend in a similar situation. He travels about 3 weeks a month. He's educated, owns his own home, drives a new BMW, and makes good money. His job is his priority and it's the reason that he has the things that he has. He happily splurges and spoils the women he dates. He's not ready for a relationship. He's upfront about his schedule, where he is in his life, etc. It's the women that decide that the rules should change.

What tanks a relationship with him is when the female starts pressuring him for than he's able to give right now. The one who will end up with him is the woman who doesn't pressure him.

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RE: Working with a Doms busy schedule? - 8/4/2008 8:13:04 AM

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Hmm.. but he's in CA, right, OG??

damn... lol

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RE: Working with a Doms busy schedule? - 8/4/2008 10:53:27 AM

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Hi :) I am going to respond to little bits here and there that spoke volumes to me. Why... because I was you at one point. I almost lost someone who ended up being one of my closest friends over it. ....

quote:

ORIGINAL: raveonette

This isn't a specific "Master" question so I hope it's ok if I post it here.
Basically, I met an amazing local Dom through here that agreed to train me after we met. We have a lot in common (and have agreed that no matter what, we'll be ace friends together.)
This is an important thing to remember.

However, he's become so busy with his work that he's not sure if we can keep pursuing the D/s relationship. I understand busy schedules, and normally I'd just quietly leave... but I got REALLY lucky in finding a great guy I respect the hell out of that's actually a match in this "lifestyle" (for lack of a better word.) He's very experienced, active in the local BDSM community and very understanding of my novice status and taking things slow.

I'm crazy about him and the thought of being submissive to him especially. Basically, I'm hoping for advice on how to keep him my Dom. Obviously it's his choice it he changes his mind, but we were going to talk about it before any decisions were made. I'd like to make it very clear to him that I wouldn't complain at all or make demands on his time- that I'm basically fine with being put on the shelf until He's ready/has the time to take me down from it.
I did look at your profile, and you are just too damn beautiful to be on anyone's shelf. You should never put your life on hold while someone else is figuring out if he wants to go further or not.

I'm not some desperate doormat, I just know how hard it is to find someone in the D/s vein locally that I connect with so well, and He's more than worth waiting and re-arranging my schedule for.
No one is worth waiting for. I understand the feeling of "he is the one", but trust me there are others.

He's does seem very happy with me, and has made comments like "you're an amazing woman", "you're a joy to be around" and "you honor me with your submission everyday" so I don't think he's just trying to get rid of me.

So any advice/thoughts (especially from very busy Doms & Masters who could see themselves in or have been in a similar situation) would mean the world to me. Pointers on how to explain this clearly without sounding like a needy idiot and hopefully having him realize I'd be a great and understanding sub to his lifestyle, in short. :) Thanks so much for your time!

Did I mention you are beautiful? lol Or that through reading your profile, I can tell how REAL you are? That you know how to express your feeling and what you want? Well if you need a yea sayer email me anytime girl! And that is just from reading your profile.

I wouldn't be surpriced if he would want you to be on his shelf, but that isn't fair for you. And any reasonable Dom wouldn't want that either. You two agreed that you would always be friends, and that is wonderful. Pushing beyond that might be too much.

First, giving advice would be hard, because we don't know where he is coming from. Who knows...He might actually just be too busy, or he might be scared of some type of commitment. Ask him. That would be the best way to begin. Realize that as friends you can still go out, ect.

Just realize that no matter what you say or do, these are how he feels also. And maybe the best step would be to step back, go on with learning this lifestyle from others, date other people, and be there as a friend. Just remind him that when he is ready, to let you know. But you never know, you might have found something else new about you.

_____________________________

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back." Barbara De Angelis

(in reply to raveonette)

RE: Working with a Doms busy schedule? - 8/4/2008 1:08:42 PM

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Thank you for the feedback, everyone. I agree 100% with "actions speak louder than words", but that's kind of where I'm getting tripped up. I'm very attuned to someone being "just not that into me", but we really do get along great and the amount we did spend with BDSM was very mutually fulfilling. When I brought up leaving earlier (a few days ago I think) he told me he didn't want that, he's just not sure what he can do with his schedule and me. I guess I'll just work on a letter going over the points, but make it clear that if he's really not interested that all he needs to do is tell me. He has been very honest and upfront about everything, so I don't think he'd make up excuses instead of just telling me what he wants.

Just to clarify- I'm also not labeling him as "the one"- we agreed to just training and friendship and to see where that leads so it's nothing romantic or serious. I just hear horror stories from people finding it hard to meet someone compatible- let alone someone that lives in the same place as them. He's a wonderful teacher and knows about all the local gatherings and 'dungeons', so along with liking him a lot he's very valuable in my... education. :) Thanks again, including those who messaged me privately!

CrazyC- thank you so much, your personal insight was really helpful. Also, you've made me blush a lot- thanks. :) Asking him to let me know when/if he's ready is great advice, and I'll definitely include that in my message to him.

(in reply to CrazyC)

RE: Working with a Doms busy schedule? - 8/4/2008 1:41:57 PM

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raveonette,

First off, I agree with pretty much everything CrazyC posted. Based on your profile, you seem like a very beautiful woman who is richly expressive and communicative. It was a joy to read your words. CrazyC noted that there are two people's feelings in your courtship. This is important to recognize. Of course, you only have control over your own feelings and actions, and in this regard I do somewhat think the phrase "actions speak louder than words" is something you should pay attention to.

Someone who is truly interested in you in a romantic way *makes time*. Now sure, if they are busy, this may be that all they can do on some days is phone you before going to sleep, phone you in the morning, send flowers, etc. The point is though that they let you know they're thinking about you and that you are a priority in their lives.

You can't force a relationship. When the timing is right and mutual chemistry is present, there is a remarkable ease in a courtship. When this isn't in sync, the courtship feels much more difficult and, for myself, I've found I ask questions similar to what you are in he OP. One of the key ways I know a courtship is working is when I don't have to question it. I know that my partner will call because they do (when time allows) and they also demonstrate they are reliable. I know that on my partner's day off, if it is at all possible, they will call me to chat or to go and do something.

So... from what you've described raveonette, this dominant may like you and you might well be a compatible partner for him. However, for whatever reason, something is out of sync. Thus, I'd slow things down, get to know other people, and leave your options open. As you've alluded, you can remain friends with this man. If you enjoy his friendship, by all means enjoy this, but it's going to happen only when he is available. Perhaps, as time goes on, he will want to spend more-and-more time with you and this blossoms into a relationship. That's fine, but in the meantime I would not wait around.

I agree with your sentiments that it is often hard to meet a compatible, local kinkster. This said, it's not as hard as you might think. Start going to munches, kinky coffee events, kinky karaoke, BDSM seminars, play parties, and the like. You'll be surprised how many people you meet. Likewise, don't get caught up in the idea that this man is the "only one". I'm not saying the dominant you've met isn't a wonderful person - he may well be. And I'm sure he knows you're a very desirable submissive. You have a lot to offer. Many a dominant would love to meet you. For whatever reason, this dominant isn't sweeping you off your feet so enjoy his friendship and continue dating. In the future, things may change and he may come looking for your romantic hand, but it may also be that you're already collared by someone else at the point. Like they say... you snooze you lose! :-)

Edited to add: if you know this dominant has a busy job and other commitments, be realistic. Perhaps he is giving you all the time he has. Minimally, if you feel there is "potential", I'd communicate the feelings you've shared here to him. This way, the two of you can talk this out and set reasonable expectations. And don't be afraid to ask for what you need. Perhaps, if he is busy throughout the week until the weekend, all you'd like is to hear about his day from time-to-time. So ask him to send you a quick, one or two line email in the middle of the week and then the two of you can agree to spend some time together on the weekend. A dominant cannot read your mind. Therefore, ask, respectfully, for the reassurance and the other things you need. Having said this, I reiterate, if this man is just too busy for a relationship, maintain the friendship and keep dating.

Elan.

< Message edited by ElanSubdued -- 8/4/2008 1:54:47 PM >

(in reply to raveonette)

RE: Working with a Doms busy schedule? - 8/4/2008 2:09:22 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: raveonette
I guess I'll just work on a letter going over the points, but make it clear that if he's really not interested that all he needs to do is tell me.

I'm not understanding why you think you need to write a letter (I'm envisioning a bulleted list even) telling him what he already knows. It's like you're mounting a campaign to keep him, which just comes off as desperate (to me, anyway).

From what you've said, doesn't he already know what you think and how you feel??

Cali

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(in reply to raveonette)

RE: Working with a Doms busy schedule? - 8/4/2008 3:12:13 PM

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No, he doesn't actually. I haven't messaged him in a while because I wasn't sure how to phrase things- which is why I started the topic. Calling it a letter probably isn't the right word for it (and no, it's not a bulleted list.) Just a few sentences letting him know where I stand and asking for final clarification from him before I move on either way. If that's desperate I don't really know what else to do- cut off communication completely?

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RE: Working with a Doms busy schedule? - 8/4/2008 3:45:49 PM

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After reading through everyone else's responses, I'll take a stab at throwing my two cents in here as well.

A little more than a year ago, I met a Dom who I really clicked with, and not just on kinky things. I liked him, he seemed to like me. We enjoyed spending time together and talking and playing. I felt like he "got" me more than anyone I'd ever met before. And then, after just three months together, he got a job offer that he felt he couldn't refuse and essentially chose his career over a relationship.

It hurt a little and I was disappointed at the thought of losing out on a relationship with someone who I felt I had really connected with but I also understood and wished him well. We both moved on. He soon discovered that the dream he had been chasing when he took that amazing job offer wasn't what he really wanted for his life.

6 months later, at the beginning of the year, he sought me out. Both of us had just broken up with the people we had been dating in the time we were apart and quickly ended up starting back up again and truth be told, I think we are now much closer to where we both want to be in our relationship than we would have been had we not made the choices that we did. Daddy still has a very hectic work schedule, though it does make it a bit easier that his 13 hour days are at home, so that I can still be there, helping and serving him while he works and I believe it's true what the gentlemen have said about priorities.

Raveonette, I understand what you are saying and where you are coming from, but really, never let anyone put you on a shelf. If you got lucky once, you will get lucky again whether it's because the current one came to his senses, so to speak, or because you find someone else that you really click with.

Good luck to you.

(in reply to raveonette)

RE: Working with a Doms busy schedule? - 8/4/2008 5:00:51 PM

DelightnDevotion

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My Dom is a busy man--works 10 to 12 hour days, has 50% custody of his toddler, travels for business 7 to 15 days a month, has his own business that takes up some weekend time. Somewhere in there he fits in me and, for his own sanity and peace of mind, time for himself. Do I get all the time I want--nope. Does it mean he doesn't care about me? Nope. It's just the reality of his life right now. He does call me, text me and e-mail me so we do make contact every day--sometimes we're on the phone three or four times. At time he sacrifices his personal time to be with me--sometimes he spends a few hours with me and then has to return to work and continue until midnight to make up for it. Both of us do what we need to do to let the other know we want the relationship in our lives, even though our capacity to be together physically is very limited.

For now, I am content with this--because he is the Dom I want in my life. I could choose to find another Dom, someone who could be with me physically more often. But I choose instead, to sacrifice some of my wishes to be with this man.

I don't think this Dom's busy life and inability to be with you frequently is necessarily a reflection of his feelings for you, raveonette. I understand if you want to tell him that you will wait for him to get over this busy period. He just might be worth it! Talk to him as openly as you did in your post and see how he responds. There's no harm in waiting as long as it doesn't compromise your self-integrity or self-esteem.

(in reply to raveonette)

RE: Working with a Doms busy schedule? - 8/4/2008 5:02:41 PM

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The best thing any of us can do is find `our` success`.
With that said, my suggestion to you is to work on yours.
Not only will you not notice his busy schedule but the times you are able to connect will be more preccious.
What could be better then that??

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RE: Working with a Doms busy schedule? - 8/4/2008 5:08:12 PM

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I definitely do have a busy schedule, but the fact is, that if I want something to work out, I will make time somehow. Until then, keeping busy is a great way to keep from getting too involved in things I don't want to be more involved in, and keeping people away I don't want to be involved with.

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RE: Working with a Doms busy schedule? - 8/4/2008 5:35:28 PM

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I've met more than my fair share of Doms who turn out to be too busy with their work or personal lives to the point they had absolutely no time for me and when it gets to that point I tend to walk away although there really is nothing to walk away from at that point. They've already made the choice for you to walk away.

You're having a relationship with a ghost.

(in reply to raveonette)

RE: Working with a Doms busy schedule? - 8/4/2008 5:41:19 PM

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I hesitate to give you any advice because I know that you are going to have to make this decision by yourself, no matter what anyone else says or how great their advice is. Having said that, I had to let you know that when I read your post and your profile, I saw a lot of myself in the words you wrote. It was not that long ago that I was in a very similar situation.

I met an incredible Dom on another site. We spent a month emailing back and forth and getting to know each other's thoughts intimately. Then we met in person. If anything, he was more incredible in person. We spent several months together whenever we could manage to meet. He owns his own business and works very long hours, 6 days a week. He also has other obligations that take some of his free time, as well as a daughter. I told myself at first that I could handle not having the time that I truly wanted with him. And I truly believed that.

But as much as I felt that way, I never felt completely comfortable calling him, so unless he called me we never talked unless we were together. I would email him every night and he would work on an email for me throughout the day in between clients and other business meetings. One day, an emergency situtation came up and instead of being able to talk to him about it, I dealt with it alone. It was then that I realized that even if we were living together, I would almost always be on my own when he was working. I talked to him about how I was feeling and he agreed with me. He said that as much as he loved me, he would never be able to give me the time that I deserved. At least not until he retired, which would not be for quite some time.

We decided I needed more than that and our relationship ended. We are still friends and I still have feelings for him. I am sure I always will. He was everything I had ever wanted in a Dom. But he wasn't everything I wanted in a man. And for me, I need that side as well.

Since then I have met a truly incredible man here on the message boards and he is definitely the man that I have always wanted. We are still in the beginning stages of our relationship, but I am very happy and I don't feel like I am sacrificing something that I need or desire with him. In fact, I don't feel like I am sacrificing anything at all. And when I had another emergency situation recently with my daughter, I was able to call him and let him know what was going on. He gave me the support I needed and never made me feel like I was bothering him or taking up time he could be spending doing something else.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is don't sacrifice what you truly want for someone who is "good enough". You deserve so much better than that. And you are far too beautiful and intelligent to settle for less than what you deserve. Yes, the search is hard, but you never know when the man you have been looking for will come along. But if you are wrapped up in a relationship with someone else who isn't quite right for you, you will never see the one who is.

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(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Working with a Doms busy schedule? - 8/4/2008 6:05:13 PM

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you'll just have to follow your heart here..everyone brings up valid points, but you'll have to decied for yourself..myself..I'd wait a bit to see what happens. Anything worth having is worth a little time. Then, after some time..if he still cann't spend more time with you..then you decied for yourself if waiting is what you want to do. This has nothing to do with you beauty as someone put it..we are talking about both your heart and your head..and what your needs are.

(in reply to cravesdom)

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