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Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. - 8/4/2008 10:26:19 AM

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So what’s your damage? … and what has it done for you?

There is always the assumption that we BDSMers must have something wrong with us to be this way … and I tend to agree … I still think some people are just plain kinky – I know I am! .. I also know that nature made me kinky, but my damage made me a slave.

I grew up in an uber successful family environment. My damage never came from my family, it came because of it. Everyone else compared me to my super-intelligent brother, by stunning beautiful elder sister, and my wildly creative artistic middle sister. I was lacking. Not as clever, not as pretty, not as interesting … always “almost”. In my peer group I became the obvious victim, the target … and so years of violent relentless bullying made me into someone who is happiest in her own company, and perfectly able to self sustain. I grew up with a desperate desire to please the people I care about, and to get approval from them without them knowing I wanted it. My damage has made me into the girl who will happily choke on and get covered by her own vomit in order to hear “Good girl” after a blow job. My damage has me prepared to move halfway across the world to find someone who sees who I am and approves of me exactly as I am.

I embrace my damage, without it I would be some pampered princess of a submissive who wanted kinky things to happen on her terms and on her own agenda. That girl would be happy like that, but I wouldn’t have me any other way. I am proud of the woman my damage has made me.

So .. can you find your own “damage” (or if you prefer another word … your own “change”) that has helped to make you what you are today?

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio

RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. - 8/4/2008 10:38:24 AM

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Like you, I grew up very typically middle England, and all that entails. Unlike you, I was the eldest. I was the smart one to whom my sister was compared. I was, in many ways, ignored, because there was "nothing" wrong with me, because I was quite happily sailing through school gaining straight As and top of the class in a private, selective school.

In terms of family dynamic, everything that went wrong in the house got blamed on me. Anything my sister wanted, even if it was mine, she got. There were times when my sister would want something purely because it was mine. I learned not to attach too much value to anything material. And I learned to buy my own things. I also have a desire to please and be approved of by people I deem important.

I was abused. Quite a lot. And it's something I never was able to talk to my family about. They weren't prepared to listen. That's coloured my view of sex, and generally fucked up my head.

I was a very late sexual bloomer, in that it wasn't until I was 22 that I thought I was ready to willingly put myself through sex. I've since made a lot of decisions about reclaiming issues from my past. I sold myself, becuase it's my body, and damnit I can do what I want with it. Selling myself is empowering, to me, and it said that, yes, whilst others have sold me and profited from me in the past, I can get over that experience.

I've learnt I'm more than the sum of my past. That whilst everything I do in the world of kink will have been done to me before, abusivly, I am perfectly capable of choosing to experience it again, on my own terms, and enjoying it. I've learnt I'm not a slave and will never again call someone Master.

And, erm, yeah, I'm willing to hurt myself to get the approval of people I care about, or to not hurt them. Hence, I'm abstaining from play for the next 6 months, for my mother, of all people.

(in reply to softness)

RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. - 8/4/2008 10:49:31 AM

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Wow... amazing insight and post softness! Now that was a great (my) morning read... thank you! You made me stop and think about it all. I think I will be thinking on that for a while! lol

I was teased too. From the second grade... tiny lil thing, with boobs. Since I was an oddity, I was touched, teased, they tried to beat up, but didn't quite get there and it made me strong. I wasn't always strong and tried to hide the things that bounced before me, but let's just say I grew into my boobs. My body was what the world saw as me and I set out to show them a different view. Through the assualts that lasted a very long time, I learned that what happened to my body wasn't mine to claim... it was what I had in my mind that mattered. Of course I later learned the body was a useful thing too!

It took a long time and a long struggle, but I found my place and I used the damage of a lil girl to promote awareness and help those that were teased and lost in life. I am no longer ashamed of what bounces before me and at my age, it bounces a lil more and I am sure that somewhere deep there is a lingering pain, but I learned to use pain to motivate me and for that I am thankful. I no longer focus on the pain, but the life around it.

I will surely give this some more thought, because you set those wheels into motion. Self examination... is there some damage there or is it mostly repaired? Hummm... could be interesting! Thank you!

(in reply to softness)

RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. - 8/4/2008 11:05:19 AM

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quote:

There is always the assumption that we BDSMers must have something wrong with us to be this way … and I tend to agree

I don't agree with this premise.

There isn't anything wrong with me for participating in BDSM anymore than there is something wrong with people who don't. There is also nothing wrong with people who focus on sex as a driving force or those that don't need sex at all in their lives.

If acceptance is defined through a society average determining 'right' or 'wrong'; I dare say that most don't hit the average target. Thankfully, for that would create a very boring world.

If there is a 'wrong' it is in trying to fit into a "peer group" to the detriment of being yourself. I tend to agree with anyone who would suggest amending, or living, your life to someone else's standards is unilaterally "wrong". Stipulating that any partner involved is complimentary, compatible, and consenting and criminal activities aren't involved.

(in reply to Lockit)

RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. - 8/4/2008 11:20:57 AM

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Most insightful. Thank you.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. - 8/4/2008 11:27:07 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: softness
So .. can you find your own “damage” (or if you prefer another word … your own “change”) that has helped to make you what you are today?

Yes, I can, and I actually do prefer "change".. that or the idea that everyone is "damaged" in one way or another. That is what makes us unique individuals. People can be just as damaged by too much of a good thing as too much of a bad thing. It is all relative. I have already made some other set of posts (I am too lazy, or too 'over myself' to bother posting a link to it though) that detailed my own journey to where I am so I will not recount it all. Suffice to say I grew up under circumstances that did not let me be who I really am (child of an alcoholic and victim of abuses...you know the drill) and had a lot of trouble about that for a long time. I know the child psychologists will say people who grow up under these conditions tend to want to please others.. I did not.. or rather I found that I could meet that desire through acting and other artistic outlets, where applause and other praise satisfied me well enough that I never had to rely on any one person for it. Instead I found that I wanted more and more control. Like many actors that gave way to design and directing, and my lust for power and conquest for world domination began in earnest, hehe. I discovered most other actors had a submissive streak so I controlled them and they thanked me for it.. then I started dating them and the control took a new but equally enjoyable turn... Hurting them for pleasure took longer. I had to be begged to hurt someone, but once I did it I was hooked. Still it was a very long journey from that to becoming the openly dominant sadist I am today. I have discovered that the more I allow myself to behave the way common consensus here on CM has it that a dominant 'master' ought to behave, the happier and more successful I become. Nowadays I no longer need praise, though I still act in the theater on occasion (it is still fun). I have two major rules I have set for myself. 1) Work toward your own satisfaction. 2) Never be satisfied. I can honestly say I have never been happier.

(in reply to softness)

RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. - 8/4/2008 11:28:38 AM

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At a very young age I had to learn several coping skills. One of them was the ability to turn pain into pleasure.
Because this part of my character came from a less than positive childhood experience I tried to fight against it for many years.
In fact I saw it as bad! I tried to hide it, wanted to forget about and was determined to escape it. Even after I found the lifestyle I was no able to reconcile it. It was seven or eight years before I met a man who helped me see this part of me in a different light. I remember that first night still. I was so embarassed about orgasming from his caning that I could not look him in the eye. But as I got to know him I watched him revel in my masochism. He was so dang happy, so proud! You would have thought he had won the lottery!

So maybe I am damaged....but I suppose beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. - 8/4/2008 11:31:38 AM

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Until I delt with...*it*

I had NOTHING to offer to...another.

(in reply to softness)

RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. - 8/4/2008 11:32:22 AM

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I have no idea what my damage is, or if I have damage.

I know that according to all the psycho babble about why people get into kink, I should be as vanilla as they come. I also know that I should be happily married with 2.5 kids and a stimulating career that resulted from a successful high school and college run.

I made choices that altered the perfect little cultural ideological path,, I didn't do anything that was expected nor did I settle into anything rewarding or stimulating until later in life. There are no markers in my childhood to account for any of this.

I am happiest when I am making someone else happy, but I am also an extremeist, complaceny bores me. Stagnation makes me insane. I need, always a driving need for more, more growth, more expereinces, harder, more painful, never do I ever want to be lulled into a life of security, stability and predicability.

Why am I like I am? I don't know, but I like it.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to AMaster)

RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. - 8/4/2008 11:56:58 AM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: softness

So what’s your damage? … and what has it done for you?

I grew up in a household that, up until I hit the age of 13, was in many ways, a representative household of the late 50s-early 60s. Some things that were different: when I was born (55), my father was working as a bus driver while attending classes to get an associate degree. Then he went into chiropractic college. My mother worked and always did. My father was the head of the household up until 68, when I was 13. On a day in that year, shortly after my birthday, he told my mother that, 20 years into the marriage, he'd had an affair. From then on, my life changed. My brother and I wound up living with two "functioning" alcoholics. There wasn't a day that went by without tension...sometimes escalating into out and out conflict... in the house and a feeling of insecurity within my brother and myself as to what was going to happen. The night of the day my brother graduated from high school, my mother tried to commit suicide for the second time (the first coming right after my father told her about the affair). What changes did this time in my life create in me? Well, I carry a restlessness within myself that I keep under control for the most part by involving myself more heavily in my work, my family, in those I care about. I went through my own little struggle with the bottle, never becoming an alcoholic but surely enjoying myself. Luckily for me, the fact that I got sick every time I got drunk and my own rationality (well, there went 30 bucks down the toilet) and my own ability to look at things harshly if need be (do you want to become what your parents have become?) have made me be a person who enjoys an occasional drink but when I want one, not when I need one. The insecurities about what was going to happen, the feeling of not having any control over it, have created a desire within me for control. My second marriage...the one where I played Alan Alda?...increased that need and brought out the latent dominant within me. The insecurity about whether or not I was loved anymore and whether or not Mom and Dad really loved each other has made me desirous of love, more willing to put up with the bullshit that goes with love sometimes and yet...paradoxically, perhaps...not always believing of that love, though that I continue to work on.
Because my parents set standards for me that they themselves failed to keep...I am big on the idea that what you set for others, you should really make an effort to abide by yourself. And one of those is the idea of being fair...the old Golden Rule, as it were: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. And yet...because of the many angles wrought in my life by my parents, by my experiences with vanilla and submissive women and by my patients, understanding that there are shades of gray and that almost nothing is black and white. This is what led to my rule of Patience and Understanding.
Because of the many arguments that took place...with tortuously circuitous routes of answering questions not asked, making statements without explanations, never resolving anything, I believe in communication that sticks to the topic and does not veer off.
Finally, because of the lack of guidance and nurturing, my brother and I more or less raised ourselves, nurturing and guiding each other as best as we could. That has led me to try to be a patient and nurturing dominant, whether things are right or wrong with a submissive I am interested in and yet still remain in control.

quote:

There is always the assumption that we BDSMers must have something wrong with us to be this way … and I tend to agree … I still think some people are just plain kinky – I know I am! .. I also know that nature made me kinky, but my damage made me a slave.

I don't believe this...if my second marriage had been O.K. in certain areas, I would have most likely stayed in it as the assertion of dominance was going O.K. though not without its problems. We still might have broken up but I doubt that it would have been because of the dominance.

quote:

I grew up in an uber successful family environment. My damage never came from my family, it came because of it. Everyone else compared me to my super-intelligent brother, by stunning beautiful elder sister, and my wildly creative artistic middle sister. I was lacking. Not as clever, not as pretty, not as interesting … always “almost”. In my peer group I became the obvious victim, the target … and so years of violent relentless bullying made me into someone who is happiest in her own company, and perfectly able to self sustain. I grew up with a desperate desire to please the people I care about, and to get approval from them without them knowing I wanted it. My damage has made me into the girl who will happily choke on and get covered by her own vomit in order to hear “Good girl” after a blow job. My damage has me prepared to move halfway across the world to find someone who sees who I am and approves of me exactly as I am.

I embrace my damage, without it I would be some pampered princess of a submissive who wanted kinky things to happen on her terms and on her own agenda. That girl would be happy like that, but I wouldn’t have me any other way. I am proud of the woman my damage has made me.

Perhaps it is the cynic in me...another result of my early years, as noted...but I have yet to meet a submissive who, somewhere within themselves, wanted some control over terms and agenda. It varies, I grant you that, but I have not seen...other than here on the boards...one who did not.
I don't know that I embrace the damage or change but I recognize it for what it is. Some of the things that came about...the restlessness, deep-seated anger...have not been all that healthy. One of the reasons I sought out a therapist in the first place was to deal with anger issues. What he has done for me has been extremely beneficial but it took time. There are other things that I see in myself that I don't like and I work on those constantly while again, taking a harsh look at which ones are really all that important and which ones, though annoying, really are not. I don't want to become someone who is constantly striving for the "answer" just as I don't want to constantly seek out the "perfect" submissive. I am not perfect...why should she be? I just ask her to be able to look at herself and recognize her own imperfection and...yeah, I know I have said this before...be fair in her dealings with me and with others.

< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 8/4/2008 12:14:42 PM >

(in reply to softness)

RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. - 8/4/2008 12:20:00 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

There is always the assumption that we BDSMers must have something wrong with us to be this way … and I tend to agree

I don't agree with this premise.

There isn't anything wrong with me for participating in BDSM anymore than there is something wrong with people who don't. There is also nothing wrong with people who focus on sex as a driving force or those that don't need sex at all in their lives.

If acceptance is defined through a society average determining 'right' or 'wrong'; I dare say that most don't hit the average target. Thankfully, for that would create a very boring world.

If there is a 'wrong' it is in trying to fit into a "peer group" to the detriment of being yourself. I tend to agree with anyone who would suggest amending, or living, your life to someone else's standards is unilaterally "wrong". Stipulating that any partner involved is complimentary, compatible, and consenting and criminal activities aren't involved.

Thank you. What you said here is much nicer than what I was going to say; and you hit the nail on the head dead center.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. - 8/4/2008 12:58:07 PM

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Just to clear up something that seems to be getting some peoples goat .. I do not mean to say that there is anything "wrong" (for that read sick, broken, disgusting, inhuman, immoral etc etc as you like) as long as you stay within a world of informed free consent I don't see anything "wrong" with what we do ...

What I mean by that single statement is that people on the outside looking in see us as "wrong" and damaged goods .. and I tend (usually, often, frequently, repeatedly) agree with that but for very different reasons than someone ill-informed about what is going on ... many many many people in the lifestyle are damaged in some way, not all by any means, but most of the healthy enriching, loving, powerful relationships and people I see around me are those who recognise something in their past that changed them, or did some damage in some way and have embraced that and turned into something positive and advantageous or have worked through the damage and come out the other side stronger.

If that doesn't apply to you then great ... but to many of us it *does* apply ... many of us *do* have something in our past that was unpleasant and could have sent us off the rails and into dark places ... many of us had something happen in the past that for better or worse put us on a path to BDSM ... and many of us through BDSM, or despite it, have been able to heal those wounds, and put right that damage. Others never want or wish to face up to damage that was there, and so condemn themselves and those around them to continually suffer for something that is long past.

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio

(in reply to IrishMist)

RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. - 8/4/2008 1:24:31 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: softness
... and many of us through BDSM, or despite it, have been able to heal those wounds, and put right that damage.

I have to agree here. Not only has my experience with BDSM made my life more tolerable, but more recently I have to say it has actually made me a better person.

(in reply to softness)

RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. - 8/4/2008 1:25:21 PM

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My damage?
As a child i was locked for almost two years in a darkened room. The windows were covered in war time black out curtains, the crevices that let in the cold air were stuffed with old newspapers lest the cold air got in. There was a bare light bulb permanently on on the landing outside the bedroom door and there was a chain which kept the door ajar but also kept the door from being opened by a child such as myself at the age of five and a half.
I shared the room with my twin sister. There were two beds, cold lino and what we commonly referred to as a piss pot. There were holes in the celing where the rain came in and in the winter months we were givebn old overcoats to put on the bed so that we weren't freezing.
There was no heating in the house except for a coal fire in one room downstairs in what would be known now as a slum house.
Mom was an alcoholic and the booze kept her from serious flashbacks to the trauma of a war time factory she was in charge of which was a walking distance from the house. The row of houses had been seriously bombed during the war and mom drank to drown the fear and sound of every aircraft that passed overhead even during peace time.
There were no social services then so no-one really noticed that my sister and i were out of school for about two years of our formative lives. Had we not had each other it is doubtful if our language capabilities would ever have developed. but thus it has: she a published poet in both the States and England and myself a published writer of both fiction and fact.
I was sexualised at a very early age as each others' bodies were one of my only stimulations and we were each others' comfort from the cold.
I was the socially extroverted twin and did all the asking whenever mom came home drunk enough to give us bread and butter or toast and a cup of tea and to empty the pottie. I was also the sexually submissive of the two. This was my pay off.
Mom kept a cane downstairs at the side of the fire place which she would threaten ether of us with should we bang on the floor to cry for food at the wrong time.
Eventually, during a polio scare, a doctor came with medicine on sugar cubes and we were rescued and given ultra violet light sun ray treatment to save us from rickets.
I used to count to ten and then a hundred and then start again as i always felt abandoned whenever she went to the pub which was always twice a day. I would play with snot and peeling paint on the door against which my bed was pushed, making constellations out of feaces. I would tidy and tidy and tidy my/our little room just so that she might feed us although she often lied that she would bring food and simply passed out with migriane induced drinking..
I think my damage and the way it has shaped who i am is fairly obvious; looking for a Master who doesn't drink, offers the cane or its equivalent as punishment, will re-enact some of the cruelty which is all i knew, will not be threatened by my social extraverted nature and above all will never lie or abandon me.
Haven't found the One yet but am still naive enough to trust many who say they can.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to softness)

RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. - 8/4/2008 1:26:11 PM

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I have my share of damage, but none of it is related to my kinkiness; that was utterly inborn.

(in reply to softness)

RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. - 8/4/2008 2:19:47 PM

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I have a lot of damage. But it could be worse. I recognized mine early and dealt with the majority of it. The rest is contained in the need for masochism which I see as more of an outlet for an area which was blocked for me. I see my damage as something which made me, me, a survivor, a negotiator, someone who prefers to find reason, even among the unreasonable. I am who I am because of my life experience. I would not change that for anything.
Though I am still wishing I had grown up blond, tall, and stacked.
Instead I will settle for short, round, with a sharp mind and quick wit.
Kyst

(in reply to softness)

RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. - 8/4/2008 3:37:41 PM

HisBeautifulSub

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Everyone has damage, its inevitable....we are born to be raised by people we have no choice in. Our well being is in their hands from the time we take our first breath. Some of us have more to battle, or deal with, Some much less. But those with much less i would refrain from thinking as a princess sub, or in anyway pampered. Looking at your life through your words, I would normally tell you to quit whining, but i wont do that because who am i to judge you, or make light of something you may feel was a large issue in your life, and i can understand why. Me I was last born, with no baby pictures and a few scattering of "young child" pics. I was the forgotten child in a home with two older brothers and a sister, alcoholic father and mother. My father would beat my mother sensless in front of us, and sometimes he would do so to us. I am soon turning 41 and still deal with alot of issue with my siblings, The difference is i do not want nor need their approval, though they seem to think it is necessary for me to succeed in life. I live thousands of miles away from them for this reason. I was not good enough as a child to care about, so the way i see it is this...Im the same person so im not good enough now. I am a natural submissive, but yes a strong alpha female....My life has made me this way...the alpha came out later in life as an adult because the submissive side was becoming a hinderance in life. Ive had to raise myself in all actuality since i was 9. Even with my family around it was up to me to care for myself and feed myself. Most were too busy getting drunk or high. I will not go into detail but some of the things i had to endure as a child at such a young age with no supervision ....well we will just say this...there are a few select people who are walking in the free world that should not be. Its ok with me...and really it is...I dont need them behind bars to be ok with myself. The fact that i overcame them by myself is better than a jail cell....But back to why im adding my "two cents" is this....be careful how you portray things...everyone is who they are for their own reasons....your approval ...matter of fact anyones approval is not needed....and what people think or say is not important....I am that pampered submissive....and my walk through life was very hard and still is....i deserve to be pampered...i deserve a say....i have a right to make a decision about my own body and how someone affects it.

(in reply to Missokyst)

RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. - 8/4/2008 3:44:22 PM

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i think its true that two people can go through very similar experiences and one will live their life one way and the other another.

my childhood parralelled my peers but so far as im aware im the only one who has ended up D/s orientated.

i certainly grew up wanting to please everyone, but i was also rebellious, selfish and arrogant - for as long as i can remember i have fantasised about having my free spirit controlled but only recently (last 10 years) would i say that i choose to submit all of myself to a man and find peace there.

i am a pretty level, reasonably well adjusted human being, i wouldnt say that i am damaged goods from anyones perspective - i could say that because i was treated in such a way that i therefore processed that into who i am today but then that would be giving them credit for the sum total of who i am, and im not prepared to do that. i am who i am because i made choices, took one path and not the other, developed strength through my own efforts, noone elses.

perhaps the only thing that i can say is that as a direct result of my 'conditioning' had i not grown up angry, rebellious and wild i might have married young and lived as my friends live now. in safe middle and upper class england, provided for and driving a chelsea tractor through suburbia. and im really bloody glad i didnt.

instead i took the wild me around the world and had a ball, i put a finger up at convention and had a ball and really nothing has changed other than im tired of rebelling.

i realised some time ago that there has to come a point when you stop blaming your parents for how you turned out - at some point you have to recognise that its your life and you are totally responsible for it.

i can remember spanking myself with a hairbrush at about 5 years old. i dont know why i dont remember - i could hypothesise and maybe reach an accurate conclusion - but what i was processing at 5 is miles different to what i was processing at pubescent 15.

i actually dont think we're all that different to alot of people who only 'dream' or think about this stuff, who play with fluffy handcuffs and get chassed around the bedroom with a hairbrush as a change from doggie over the back of the sofa. we take it further and we take it to extremes, we submit more of ourselves than most do in a regular relationship and we do so because we want to push aside the parameters and the limits that society has stuffed into us. that and because its horny and more delicious and more on each others terms from the outset. its open its honest and we can trust.

for me its human nature to explore and find the thing that makes you the most happy and content. alot of people maybe would like to but are too scared, too inhibited too ashamed of their 'weirdness' to come out.

sorry, spouting, but i really feel quite strongly about this.... espousing the whole 'victim' thing is sending out the message that subs are just screwed up freaks with no cognative processes going on. it tells new subs that they can continue on with their 'victim' speak because here they can automatically assume theyll be looked after and understood. BS.

< Message edited by lally3 -- 8/4/2008 3:53:49 PM >

_____________________________

even doves have pride (Prince)

(in reply to Missokyst)

RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. - 8/4/2008 3:46:07 PM

Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
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I think almost all humans suffer 'damage' of some sort or other. I don't believe there is such a thing as a perfect life. God does not give us more than we can handle. How we choose to handle it is the test. Yeah - I put up with a great deal of crap in my life. Mental, emotional, physical pain. Accidental and intentional damage to myself, by myself, by act of God or by the hand of others. Until the point I learned to stand up on my own two feet and scream ENOUGH!

_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to HisBeautifulSub)

RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. - 8/4/2008 3:47:28 PM

DelightnDevotion

Posts: 45
Joined: 7/14/2008
Status: offline

My father is a pedophile--he sexually abused me more than 2500 times over the course of eight years of my childhood. Damage is the perfect word to describe the results--I won't argue with that. I've spent years in therapy to heal that damage. But I was powerfully brainwashed as a child and made some mistakes as a result. One of those was being attracted to the wrong kind of men. I married an emotionally and verbally abusive man who reinforced every terrible thing my Dad told me. Once divorced, I swore I'd never give another man any sort of power in my life.

More therapy. More healing. More learning. Something was still missing--specifically related to my relationships with men, and through that, my relationship to myself.

I started to explore the swinging lifestyle...met some BDSM folks and things resonated within me, primarily the power dynamics. I met a wonderful man--an experienced Dom who I was immediately drawn to. This man understands me in the most eerie ways--can read my behaviors, facial expressions and undertones of my words. He's patient and tolerant. He lets me tip toe around him, dip a toe in the pool of relationship with him, get scared and back up--only to approach and this time put my whole foot in and stay a little longer there. He doesn't pressure me, doesn't push me---instead he tells me I'm doing wonderfully, that my courage impresses him, and that he will wait.

My therapist is in love with this man--and she's never even met him. LOL! She calls my relationship with him "restorative"--because it has healed places in me that I could not do on my own. Sometimes, when you've been damaged by a relationship, the only way you can heal that hurt is in a relationship. I asked him to be my Dom and he has taken me as his submissive. Once again, I am in a power based relationship, but this time I am not abused and not taken advantage of. Instead I am cherished, appreciated, protected, and nurtured.

So yep, I face my damage every day--but I embrace where it's lead me, and who I am as a result of BOTH the damage and the healing. I am more content then I've ever been in my life. I'll never be who I would have been had my father not made those nightime visits to my bedroom but I am fine with that--I embrace and love who I am, knowing that in the grand scheme of things I am exactly who I was meant to be.

(in reply to softness)

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Facing your own damage ... and embracing it.

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