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Consent - 9/4/2008 1:45:43 AM

zakkan

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I was wondering, do your family and friends know that you are in this lifestyle? And if they do, how supportive are they about your choice?
And how do you break it to them anyway? I'm afraid that if I make it public, I'll be ostracized all my life.

I guess this counts as my first post. Hope I didn't mess up.

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RE: Consent - 9/4/2008 1:49:02 AM

Monkeyontuesday

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LOL. My family is old-school Southern Baptist. No way.

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RE: Consent - 9/4/2008 3:02:59 AM

silkncarol

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Most of my friends are lifestyle it seems....but i do have a few close cherished vanilla friends who know what i'm into......they do like to kid me that i'm the one into "cuffs and hairpulling" ..i've never felt disapproval from them over my choice....they have always given unconditional love and accepted me for the person i am.
I don't think i'd come out to my elderly parents....i know they'd still love me, but i can not imagine having to explain the whole thing to them...or maybe they would understand, after all, i watched and learned from their own dynamics. My daughter pretty much knows what i'm into....she's bright, plus we shared a computer for awhile, she seen the screen names, read the profiles, etc....but it's one of those "don't ask, don't tell" kinda things.

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RE: Consent - 9/4/2008 3:10:42 AM

simpleplan2

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I don't understand why you'd want to. I mean, unless you plan on going around in leather or somehow "advertising" the type of lifestyleyou enjoy, why would you explain or "come out" to your family? Why unnecessarily upset them (if you would, in fact, upset them)? Most of the life anyone leads is prolly 80% vanilla. Seeing me on the street, you'd never know my proclivities. I wear jeans and a t shirt or dress up to go out to dinner. I certainly have more interesting and varied conversation than WIITWD. I doubt that I'd deny it if someone point blank asked me but I see no reason to volunteer the information.

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RE: Consent - 9/4/2008 3:36:04 AM

E2Sweet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zakkan

I was wondering, do your family and friends know that you are in this lifestyle? And if they do, how supportive are they about your choice?

I only have one family member that knows my interest in BDSM, and we are similar in age so its not really so awkward. I can't say whether he's specifically supportive or not, but we are always talking about the adventures we have, and what we learn about ourselves and others as we go along in life. When we start to discuss, we usually just end up laughing a lot...

The others in the family don't really need to know (and probably wouldn't want to either). It would just burden them with unnecessary worry and/or leave them confused about what I like and what I do, so there's no reason to share it with them.

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RE: Consent - 9/4/2008 3:51:08 AM

lusciouslips19

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Why would I want to "come out" to my family? What I do behind closed doors.....Well,do you really think your family wants details about your sex life? They dont whether kinky or vanilla.

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RE: Consent - 9/4/2008 3:59:39 AM

Focus50

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Welcome to the Forums.

My family and nilla friends don't need to know my intimate preferences and relationship dynamics - beyond my being hetero.

I have no shame or guilt about my needs and no laws are being broken but too much information only leads to gossip and whispering - I can do without both, thankyou.

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RE: Consent - 9/4/2008 4:04:58 AM

His1squaw

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quote:

I don't understand why you'd want to. I mean, unless you plan on going around in leather or somehow "advertising" the type of lifestyleyou enjoy, why would you explain or "come out" to your family?

Sometimes family just "knows" you. My mother, sisters and I are friends more so than mother/daughter/siblings. While my family does not know my menu of individual kinks, they know enough. They know that my Master and I live in a 24/7 TPE relationship. They know that the band of steel around my neck is not just a cute necklace that I wear on a whim. And I can think of only a handful of times this past year when I called my Master by his name; usually, I call him Master. (Imagine trying to get his attention in a crowded Wal-Mart).

Now, with that being said, I think that in a lot cases, a family that produces someone who is activly involved in the world of kink is most likely to be a fairly liberal family to begin with. There are several discussions related here on the boards of kink being genetically inherited. I will not go through that theory again, but I think that the values a person is raised with go a long way in determining who they really are. My parents were swingers and my two sisters are a far cry from vanilla.

Ultimatly, it is up to you. You know your family and friends much better than we do. If you feel the need to "come out" to them, then judge the situation for what it is. How have they handled ground breaking news in the past?

Just my two cents,
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RE: Consent - 9/4/2008 4:16:29 AM

sambamanslilgirl

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most of my family/relatives are deeply devoted, bible-thumping Christians or heavily rooted in their religious faith. some are even ministers/deacons in their respected churches. i have an uncle who's still senior pastor to a church first started by my great-great-great grandparents (a family legacy of Baptist ministers in PA).

enough said.

i don't need to tell them everything that's going in my life nor do they need to know why i wear a metal ring around my neck. it's none of their business. i've only told a select few (ie my girls) but that's as far as it will go.

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RE: Consent - 9/4/2008 4:42:34 AM

chamberqueen

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I heard at a munch once the phrase 'in the closet' and realized for the first time it could also apply to the lifestyle. (Duh) My grown daughter and I have a very close relationship, and I decided to tell her about my choice the next day. I highlighted the psycho-social aspects of it, the trust and communication, and she was great about it. She is all for anything that makes me happy.

I was living with with my sister and her husband at the time, and talked with my sister about it. He husband found my riding crop by mistake when he was helping me to put up plastic on my windows to keep the cold out and insisted that I start using him for practice. He wasn't talking about sessions, just getting used to how different motions would get different results.

I have chosen not to share my chosen way of life to my parents or my aunt. I think it is wise to be selective if you feel you will only be given a hard time. I am not at all ashamed of my choices, but at the same time don't feel the need to make myself a target for family members who have been less than kind and supportive of me over the years. If they ever asked me directly about the relationship I wouldn't lie about it, but I'm not ready to bring it up for discussion.

As a Domme I have been asked whether I would force a sub to "out" themselves. My answer is that I would be totally supportive of them if they chose to but I would never force it. It's a very personal decision. I am very happy for those who feel no need to hide what they truly are, but completely understand those who do.

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RE: Consent - 9/4/2008 5:06:23 AM

RCdc

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Why do they have to know?
What is your orientation and will it be visable?
Do you live with them still?

Your question is too vague really to answer, but if you are an adult - even if you live at home- there is no reason why your family have to be aware of your sexual behaviour? I perved your profile - you already have you photograph up so you cannot be that concerned?

the.dark.

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RE: Consent - 9/4/2008 5:22:23 AM

pissdoll

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the only person in the world i care about finding out is my father.
he's a total sweetheart and getting older, and i think that information would bring him to tears, wondering where he had failed me in life. i have no desire to put him through that.

that being said, i keep my personal life to myself for the most part. if you knew me, i doubt you'd "know."

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RE: Consent - 9/4/2008 5:26:40 AM

MadameMarque

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Although I'm not particularly closeted, I also respect others' right not to have TMI - tooo much information - foisted upon them.

I sometimes dress in a way that is indicative and don't mind if my partner does; in fact, I like it. I have no problem with public displays of affection or some dominant/submissive dynamic, as long as...

as long as the display or sharing of info about our ways is appropriate to the company and situation

as long as it protects each of our privacy, as required or desired.

So, for example, nothing too far flung during a visit with the parents. I always say, if you spare your parents the details of your sex life, perhaps they'll return the favor.

Conversely, if you want to write kinky erotica and become famous and discuss it on television, that's all cool. It's very open and may be explicit, but in the right context. People can read or not, can watch or change the channel.

One of my family members who knows me best, understands how I am, though we've never openly discussed it. Many of my friends I happen to have met in some relation to the scene. Most of them don't know the shocking details of my intimate life, but they know I'm dominant and a sadist and bit and pieces, beyond that. A couple of my closer friends know a little more.

I usually gage how much to disclose/share with friends whom I do not already know to be into it, themselves, based on how comfortable they seem to be with this sort of topic. One of my friends in the Japanese music scene turns out to be quite kinky, but at the same time, easily squicked by explicit sexuality, for example.

On the other hand, what people glean about me from observation, is fine. I'm not hiding it; I'm just not flaunting it to anyone personally, to whom I think it'd be received as TMI.

It's all a judgment call. It's freedom of self-expression and wanting to be known and understood, meets sensitivity to others' sensibilities.

P.S. - I disagree with those who say that it's equal to coming out as gay or bisexual. This isn't about who you love; it's about what you do intimately. It's cool to be open about it, but not a requirement.

"If his love is to be called perverse, then let it be so, for maybe love is too great to be normal, too intense to be sane."

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RE: Consent - 9/4/2008 5:50:39 AM

DesFIP

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What good will it do to tell this to my father who is in his eighties? It would only upset him.

Unless you live in the same house, why would they need to know. A request to go somewhere with them is met by me saying I need to check in with him to see if we have anything planned. And when people try to make plans with him, he responds the same way because it is only polite to make sure you haven't double booked the date.

I don't tell people anything. I let them judge what they see. And what they see is a man who loves me and treats me tenderly and whom I obviously love and respect. They like him because I'm happier with him. And that is, or should be, the bottom line.

The only one who has any problem with it is my oldest who thinks we're sickeningly sick.

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RE: Consent - 9/4/2008 6:01:29 AM

Lashra

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My business is my own, I don't ask others about what goes on behind their closed doors and I certainly don't expect them to ask me about mine. I am an adult and I will live my life as I see fit, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

~Lashra

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RE: Consent - 9/4/2008 6:21:33 AM

thetammyjo

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All of our friends know and frankly don't treat us any differently though they may have questions from time to time. They all think we are pretty cool people.

Our families know what our families ask about.

So they all know that we three consider ourselves a family and if they want to also still be considered our family they best do the same.

A few know that Fox and I are a couple and in a Ds relationship because they asked for more details. Family surprisingly tends to ask what it can handle and that's when we give them information. Now if we lived closer to any of them, they might ask more questions.

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RE: Consent - 9/4/2008 7:36:10 AM

OsideGirl

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I agree with most people here. I'm not closeted, if asked, I'll answer. That said...my sex life and what makes my relationship work, is none of their business. Just like their sex lives and what makes their relationship work is none of mine.

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RE: Consent - 9/4/2008 7:56:30 AM

zakkan

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Wow. It seems most people keep their lifestyle choices hush-hush. Thanks for the input.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

you already have you photograph up so you cannot be that concerned?

I was hoping that was a vague enough photograph

. All the people that know me probably won't find it anyway... I hope.

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RE: Consent - 9/4/2008 8:04:41 AM

RCdc

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Personally, if I knew you, I would think that photograph is very clear. And you would be surprised how many people look through a site like this.
If you found, so will others.

I don't believe you fully understand what people are saying. Darcy and I do not keep our relationship, nor what and who we are hush hush. We simply do not have deep conversations about our sex life with anyone, nor do we do so with out BDSM activites. It's not a case of keeping stuff hush hush, its about TMI. We still attend groups and munches. Our general websites direct people to BDSM sites and alternative sites. My father calls it 'that kinky stuff shes into'. But you are under no obligation to sit you mother down and explain your love of bondage.

the.dark.

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RE: Consent - 9/4/2008 8:11:14 AM

azropedntied

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to the OP > For some , Many , myself included this is NOT a choice and our BDSM is not a lifestyle we put on like a Halloween costume and remove when certain people are looking .As far as keeping it hush hush ? a secret , then according to your logic what my parents do and did sexually is a secret humm ooh ok FINE WITH ME as it drips with the ewwww factor . Am i " out" in my BDSM, kink , festish Power exchange relations ?Hell yes as many like myself we are involved in our community , OUR LEATHER and BDSM community lol some even PTA members , we have jobs , we are mothers , we are fatthers , and yes some outside our realm do not understand , we are judged harshly by others , some have lost friends and jobs just due to who we are .So yeah some of us do not shout from the streets HEY look at me this is really who I/We are .

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