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LadyPact -> RE: married sub - how to tell my wife (10/3/2008 2:53:52 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Irished
Hi all
well I had the 'talk' and it was a miserable let down. I simply explained that I have always been excited about serving her and would she enjoy it if I became her slave.........she thought I was joking and I said I was serious. then she said that she knows that I am into that sort of stuff but that she is not ...........I felt so small and embarrassed - I felt like a loser or a wierd person.
so we have not spoken since and we have just moved on and gone back to normal
so thats that - its what I feared and expected
so now what !!!!???
I'm going to echo something that I said in the thread that's linked within this one and something I've said on other threads as well. One of the things that I mentioned in TnC's original thread was that, when you do have this type of discussion with an SO, one thing you have to prepare yourself for is to have acceptance. What I mean by that is, when you have this kind of talk with a vanilla partner, you have to accept whatever answer it is that you receive. That holds true whether you've always been kinky or have found BDSM later in life. That answer from the SO can be anything from no way, to great what's first, and all kinds of things in-between. Whatever that answer is, that vanilla person is entitled to it.
You may not particularly like this part, but I'm going to pause here for a moment to defend the position of the vanilla folks who are on the other end of this conversation. If the relationship when you met and married was vanilla, and that is what they wanted, they have every right to that. No, they aren't required to transform themselves into a kinky person because you always had those feelings or maybe discovered BDSM later. That person married you with the expectation of a vanilla life. That was the promise that you made to them at the time. It's not up to them to change to conform to what you've decided you wanted. Just because you decided you wanted to change the rules of the game, doesn't mean they have to go along with it.
Sure, sometimes they do, and it's great when that happens. Some of us get lucky and I happen to be in that group. Still, when My husband and I had our talk, I knew that it was possible that he would say no. If he had, it would have been reasonable for him to expect Me to fulfill the promise of the life we had envisioned together. Don't get Me wrong, I'm glad it didn't turn out that way, but I did know that was a possibility.
The other part of this is sometimes they don't. This leaves you in the position of examining yourself, what's most important to you, and what alternative solutions can be found. No, I don't subscribe to the lying and cheating idea that was given above. Not unless your willing to risk everything when your wife finds out. I find that suggestion just as silly as those folks who proclaim that they are cheating because they are poly and their monogamous SO just doesn't understand them. That's another subject entirely.
From there, you take your wife's position, and compare it to your position, and then you look for ways to compromise. What can you both accept? Can you bring other people in? Do you think you could spend some time doing submissive things for your wife without them specifically being labeled as submissive? Is there any common ground you can find? Can you accept your life without kink in it? Is BDSM or your marriage more important to you? Yes, that last question does have a place in the conversation. Actually, I'd say that one in particular might be one that you especially need to know for yourself before you approach your wife again.
Give your wife and yourself a little time before that happens. From what you've said here, right now, you're a little hurt by her response and that needs to die down a bit. Also, if she was very opposed, let her get over her negative feelings about the subject as well. It's going to be better for both of you if you are clear headed and not quite so emotional about the subject before tackling it again. In the meantime, I'm going to suggest a book for you. http://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky/dp/1890159239
Read it and see if you can see yourself in it and see if this might be something your wife might be willing to read to understand you a bit better. I wouldn't think it's fair for you to ask her to read it at some point without you having read it as well. You can't ask her to go over and above what you're willing to do, can you?
Please know this post isn't all doom and gloom. This can work out. It has for a lot of us. My collared sub waited years before finding a good solution for his wife to allow his kink desires to be explored. Sometimes, it doesn't happen on the first go round, but can happen at a later date.
Still wishing you luck here. I really do hope it can work out for you.
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