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LadyPact -> RE: married sub - how to tell my wife (12/14/2009 9:09:05 AM)
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Lots of interesting comments (though some predictable) since I was on this thread yesterday. Since most of the comments that I'd like to touch on are within the last page or two, I'm going to save Myself the additional work and not go back and quote. Please understand that I am making My comments in relation to BDSM. Not swinging and not casual sex. In My personal opinion, these are three different topics and I would have different answers in addressing each of them.
On the subject of finding casual BDSM partners, I am looking at My own personal experience. There are a lot of people out there who don't participate in casual play and I completely understand that. When I'm using the term casual play, I'm referring to engaging in BDSM with any range of persons from didn't know them before you met at a BDSM club or event spanning through friends that just happen to match you in a top/bottom sort of way. With that said, I have never encountered a lack of play partners, either through local groups and even places where I had never met anyone before. I don't think that has anything to do with locations, as it's held true for Me from one side of the country to the other. I just haven't come up short on people willing to let Me beat them.
Do I think some of that hinges on gender? Yes, I do. I think it's more difficult for male tops to find bottoms than female tops. I tend to think that's even more correct when the male top isn't well acquainted with the potential bottom. I don't have personal experience from the bottom side, with the exception of what I've observed over the years. I do know that there are some bottoms who don't have a problem finding casual tops if they attend groups regularly or get to the club on a regular basis. Female bottoms have more success in this area (from My observation) than males, but it doesn't mean that males are excluded in this area.
That's where My gender bias on the subject ends. It honestly doesn't matter to Me whether we're talking about a male not being honest with his spouse or a female being dishonest with hers. All of the other subjects touched on in this thread, fidelity, integrity, and the like, aren't the responsibility of one more than the other. For that matter, neither is sex drive.
In My opinion, sex drive doesn't rely on the desire for sex alone. There are a lot of factors that contribute to it. A healthy, loving relationship is going to feed into that. When other areas of the relationship are lacking, it's going to show up in the bedroom. Both parties contribute or don't contribute to those factors, as well as outside influences. Things such as financial difficulty, to name just one, can also have an impact. You can't control the outside stuff in some cases, such as a temporary drop in drive due to something like a death in the family, but you absolutely can control what kind of relationship that you have in other areas. A good relationship isn't just two people who happen to cohabitate under the same roof where they appear to be comfortable with the bills paid. There's a lot more to it than that.
In many cases during discussions like these, I've really wondered what would happen in that relationship at home if the party looking to 'explore' their outside interests, would take the amount of time they used to do that, and invested it in their relationship instead, if there would be an improvement. I'm not saying that even if someone is investing 100% into their relationship that they are automatically entitled to demand BDSM at home. Some people have no kink interest and it's their right to be that way, just as much as kinky people who don't want to be vanilla.
So, the question goes from there. Exactly what do you do in this situation? I can only speak for Myself. I'd have to start with an honest evaluation on what is really most important to Me in My life. To Me, the BDSM isn't more important than My integrity that I owe to Myself and to the person that I married. Neither is My sex drive for that matter. Mine and My various interests are ones that My husband doesn't particularly share, so we have reached agreements on how to handle the matter. That didn't happen overnight and it didn't happen because both of us didn't work on it.
When people come on these boards and make statements like 'I don't *think* My spouse' would do this or that, it says to Me that you don't KNOW because you don't have the type of good, healthy, honest communication that would contribute better relationship at home in the first place.
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