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RE: When Enough is Enough - 5/25/2009 8:27:42 PM

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I was in a very emotionally and physically abusive relationship for years in my early 20's. I made it out, survived, and thought I would never face it again. I was wrong. I found my way into another. My current Dom is toxic and, yes, abusive. I know this and yet, I can't seem to bring myself to go. I know the hell I went through with the marriage, but this seems, somehow, worse. I adore my Dom. I probably worship Him, actually. I don't know HOW to go. I don't know HOW to NOT be His sub. This isn't, for me, a one time issue. It's a life long addiction to masochism, and I think I found the perfect sadist. I fear it won't end before I see a grave.

(in reply to laura2161)

RE: When Enough is Enough - 5/25/2009 8:35:37 PM

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I know how it is to find yourself in one abusive train wreck after another. It has happened to me and I am only just now beginning to see my way out of it. Masochism is a very normal thing to desire for some people. It is how we choose to meet that need that determines how healthy it is functioning within you. I know as a fact I have been feeding my need for masochism by being in very bad relationships. I also have found out that those needs can be met in much better ways by good people who respect me and care for me. He well may be the perfect sadist, but he is pathologically so by your description.

I wish for you the power to walk away, to take time to yourself working on YOU, and eventual bliss with one who will honor the treasure you lay before him. Good people are out there. We have to be willing to walk away from the compromise and be healthy enough to recognize them when they come our way. All my best to you and if you want to talk please cmail me.

Hugs,
lovingpet

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RE: When Enough is Enough - 5/25/2009 9:44:04 PM

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I'm a caretaker by nature and I rarely quit on things. That me into an abusive relationship and even though it is over I still think to myself "If Only!" She had rapid cycling bipolar. There where all the suicide threats, physical hitting, and an attempted stabbing. I sould have known to get help or get out when her pain became so great that it hurt me so much that I litterally started having her whip me as hard as she could (sometimes for an hour or more) while she played dark music, screammed, and cried. The physical pain was easier to handle than the emotional pain.
I also probably have very mid BPD because I had all of the symptoms in my teens and 20's.
I would have stayed with her no matter what that is just me. the onlyu thing I would not allow was little ones without help and I told her that I would protect them from her if I had to. She hated that and found someone else and told me to leave. That almost killed me - I've never loved that deeply - I'm not sure I can again.

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RE: When Enough is Enough - 5/25/2009 11:41:27 PM

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Enough was enough when....

Funny but I was actually thinking about this today, was having one of those reflective days where I wondered if I should have done things earlier or differently.

It was finally enough when several friends both on and offline worked to make me see that it had gotten dangerous. That it was not in my head but that he was actively working to destroy me.

He would switch my medication, tell me we had lengthy conversations that simply never happened, was getting a genuine kick out of my reactions from situations that he engineered. When one night I was crying and terrified I'd lost my mind because I couldn't remember 'fights' and he began to laugh. Then he admitted he was doing it all for fun. That no, the conversations did NOT happen. That he was pulling a mindfuck on me just to see if he could.

I realized that a man who would switch medication no longer (if ever) had my best interests or physical safety in mind.

It will sound like typical abuse denial but it really was my fault, I needed something he couldn't give and he got tired of feeling inadaquate so he did what he could do. And that was the game to see if he could destroy me.

That was the Cliffs Notes version of course, it all spanned a decade and can't be summed up in one post without losing an awful lot.

But in the end I made it, and I am happy with myself. While I now blame him I also feel a huge amount of pity for him, and yes an awful lot of guilt for my part in it all.

Sometimes I wish I could tell the whole story but because he drugged me, much of it is foggy.

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RE: When Enough is Enough - 5/26/2009 2:18:11 PM

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I've almost come to the conclusion that if you are in a place where you ask "When is enough enough?" - then you are there. To ask that question is to be experiencing enough pain that life is no longer enjoyable, or even tolerable.

Honestly, if i had left my marriage when i first thought that question, i would be in a different place today. I wouldn't have suffered half the mental abuse that i did, and my kids may have been a bit healthier mentally as well.

Hindsight is a great thing, but to be asking the question is a fair indication that your life isn't healthy, or sane.

(in reply to camille65)

RE: When Enough is Enough - 5/26/2009 2:56:50 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

I've almost come to the conclusion that if you are in a place where you ask "When is enough enough?" - then you are there. To ask that question is to be experiencing enough pain that life is no longer enjoyable, or even tolerable.

I have to agree with this. The only problem is most of the time there has to be some big epiphanial moment. That moment of clarity when we finally see things for what they really are.

I think when I saw one of my favorite coworkers come in after being out for a week with black eye, stitches, a broken nose and arm and she admitted to me how it had happened was that moment for me. While she had been out, first hubby and I had had a fight that got physical, not the first of its kind, and I didn't know what to do. I could feel the spiral gettting tighter and tighter. The day after she returned to work was "the big one" between us, and I was out the door. I may have been scared as hell and no way to support myself and the little one, but it didn't matter anymore.

I know if I had walked away when I asked if this question, I would have saved so much pain. I never would have married him. Then again, I wouldn't have the blessing of my wonderful little one either. Things in life happen for a reason.

lovingpet

(in reply to kiwisub12)

RE: When Enough is Enough - 5/26/2009 3:50:08 PM

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quote:

For me, it can literally kill me. I have manic-depression, and being emotionally abused - which has happened in the past - left me in a severe depressive episode, leading to a (nearly successful) suicide attempt.

So much for that stupid freaking "sticks and stones" saying.

You wouldn't believe how many people DON'T know, just how damaging words can be.

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RE: When Enough is Enough - 5/26/2009 4:11:57 PM

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In another lifetime it seems, (been so long). There i was married with 2 kids by age 21..

After i KNEW in my heart i had done everything in my power to "hang in there" as the good lil wife, 5 years of emotional and physical abuse, i felt it best that in 10 years (if i lived that long) i would much rather be "over and done" with the relationship, than just starting the healing process, so off i went and never looked back...

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RE: When Enough is Enough - 5/27/2009 3:46:04 AM

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Good morning!
As a single woman, I put up with a lot of crap. As a wife, I can put up with a lot of crap. As I widow, I will most likely put up with tons of crap...but as a mother-I do not put up with any crap. Even one word against my Ums and it is war. And all is fair in love and war. ::winks at two different School Boards "right?" :::
Love,
Zechriel

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RE: When Enough is Enough - 5/27/2009 4:09:25 AM

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I spent five years with a military man that told doctors over and over that I was crazy and needed to be medicated. It was easier to cheat on me when I was 'zombied out' on the four different medications they had me on - anitdepressant, sleeping pill, anti-anxiety and something else I don't even remember. But, I was a new mom and I loved my husband and I wanted to be a good wife.

He got caught cheating on me, in a motel, with a 19yr old girl, when our daughter was just five months old. I forgave him, took him back and spent two years in couples therapy (again, military doctors) listening to how everything was my fault, how I wasn't good enough.

Sadly, I wasn't going to leave him. He finally found another girl in Tallahassee, FL living in a double-wide who thought she would be a better wife and mother than I was.

I had a breakdown and tried to overdose. After seeing the other people that were in the hospital I came to the realization, that, while I was in a bad way, I wasn't as bad as the girl who wouldn't write down her goals for the day in group, unless they gave a piece of paper to her imaginary friend.

He packed up all my crap, gave me 1500.00 in cash and sent me away. I moved from SC to CA - flushed all my meds - went through that whole 'bugs crawling on your skin' withdrawl and survived.

I am truly and wholly grateful that he threw me out when he did. I cannot imagine, how cooked my brain would be today, if I was still on the meds that I didn't need, just so I was easier to control.

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RE: When Enough is Enough - 5/27/2009 6:00:53 AM

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Sometimes, you manage to get out. Sometimes you don't get over it, and destroys one's ability to ever trust anyone but themself ever again.

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RE: When Enough is Enough - 5/27/2009 8:33:19 AM

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This hits a cord with me like few other subjects can.

She lived through three husbands and a number of boy friends. It seemed to me that each one of them was worse then the others. More times then I remember I begged her to seek help.. to go to a shelter.. to move into my home. Anything to get away from the man of the moment who was offering abuse. Abuse ranged from metal to extream physical.. the degradation of not being allowed a name to blows powerful enough to break teeth. Even once jumping into a ar and speeding off. HEr husband at the time clutching onto the door frame while he kicked the windsield out of the moving car. Each of these men she stayed to the bitter end, waiting for that final explosion that would end the horror she called a relationship.

I asked her once why... why she would not leave. Not pack her things and go away. It was not for lack of a place to go and I don't mean shelters. There was family in abundance to take her in. She told me that she was afraid.. she was afraid of being alone. She had forgotten who she was.. what she liked.. she knew only the abuse and abuser. Then there was the "But I love him" or "I an change him". I remember this because the next day I recieved a telephone call. The person on the other end asked for me by name. They told me the police would arrive at my home soon. Of course I wondered why the hell the cops would be coming to talk to me! When they arrived they told me she was had died.

A day is too long to stay with an abuser... a man or woman who hits in anger is a danger to thier partner. For those of you who have braved the known and saved your selves kudos. For those who have not yet.. don't wait. The woman I spoke about is my mother. Trust me I know the abuse hurts you.. but it hurts the ones you love as well. The loss is easier to deal with now that time has passed. Still a few times each year something will happen to make me remember. I think I stayed on topic this time and hopes this may just help some one out there.

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RE: When Enough is Enough - 5/27/2009 12:36:21 PM

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Edited... too personal to leave here, sorry.

< Message edited by crumbledwater -- 5/27/2009 1:32:02 PM >

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RE: When Enough is Enough - 5/27/2009 1:57:34 PM

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i have had two vanilla marriages and divorces. The first one he was physically & emotionally abusive and i stupidly stayed trying to honor the marriage vows, almost being killed in the process. It wasn't until four years into it i saw him smack our son abusively that i left. At that point as soon as my ex was at work, my son, i, and our yet-unborn daughter got the hell outta there as fast as we could with the clothes on our backs and very little else. i was just glad we were outta there. The second marriage was emotionally abusive and i thought i could handle that, as my kids were grown & out of the house and i had only me to worry about. After 14 years when he said he didn't love me anymore i left. i will NEVER go through it again. i recommend a lot of counselling & self-esteem therapy after something like an abusive situation.

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RE: When Enough is Enough - 5/27/2009 3:51:46 PM

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(May "trigger")

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRn8J3G9GGo

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RE: When Enough is Enough - 5/27/2009 6:10:32 PM

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Enough is enough when the pain of leaving is less than the pain of staying.

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RE: When Enough is Enough - 5/27/2009 6:14:12 PM

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Daddysredhead...

Brilliantly stated, and heart-wrenchingly true. Both options, usually, are terribly painful. But when the scale tips... its time to go.

~sgs

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RE: When Enough is Enough - 5/27/2009 6:20:24 PM

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Thank you, sgs. *hugs to all who have been there*

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RE: When Enough is Enough - 5/27/2009 6:42:29 PM

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Let me just say thank you to all the brave folks here that have come forward again and shown very clearly that there is a point where it all stops and things will be no more. I think a big thing for me was my child. When he decided our little one was a good target, that was it. Like I said, lots of things all at once that thrust me out the door. I also didn't want the little one watching me go through this and wind up with that fateful call one day. Blessings and sympathies to you Mezrem! I cannot imagine watching such a thing over and over and hope that is not the path my own darlings are on. My heart truly goes out to you and yours.

I think one of the residual effects I didn't count on was that I became unable to trust my own judgement. Trusting others somehow I am still fine with and find it easy to do. Trusting myself, not so much. I have chosen poorly so many times that, despite a lot of hard work and self awareness, I still don't always trust that inner voice to know a good person from a bad person. I have likely overlooked a lot of good people in my life because I didn't recognize them as such and live with a nagging doubt about every relationship I choose to enter. Maybe I am wrong about them and they don't deserve my trust. People who give me no reason to think such things still face my ambivalence.

Crumbledwater, if I could request the pg version in the spirit of support, I know there are those that would benefit from it. I haven't given the intimate details of mine either, but still hope that it brings one person forward out of the shadow of abuse. I understand if it is just not time. I couldn't talk about it until recently and it ended 10 years ago.

Again, my heart is broadened by everyone's candor on such a difficult subject.

lovingpet

(in reply to Daddysredhead)

RE: When Enough is Enough - 5/27/2009 8:13:37 PM

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quote:

People who give me no reason to think such things still face my ambivalence.

me too, and it's frustrating. i also find myself looking forward to seeing certain people get angry, to see how they act when they are.

(in reply to lovingpet)

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