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What can I offer a Dominant Lady? - 8/3/2004 11:32:25 PM   
Sllim1973


Posts: 3
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		My most sincere apologies for that other thread. I have asked nicely that some mod make it go away.
I honestly didn't look through this forum long enough before posting it. For that I deserve a severe whipping.
While I was realizing the error of my ways I came across some posts by Mistresses and Doms discussing what the potential sub has to offer the Mistress.

Yeah, if epipheny's were made into bricks then this one would have landed in the back of my head.

The posts went on to discuss this male sub thing, this 'me-me-me' thing and how normal, plentiful and unapealing it must be.

The thread I was reading it in was mostly being responded to by male Dominants, not the Female Dominants that I need to be talking with. But it seemed like a universal truth.
A sin that I think I am guilty of.

This leads me to ask a really, really important question.

You Misstresses out there, what exactly do you look for your subs to be offering you?
I don't mean monetarily, that is just, well to be honest - this idea that some people sign over financial dominance just seems kinda insane to me.

And physically, well that is a no-brainer as well. Breaking taboos (with the exclusion of things with 'brown' and 'golden' in the title) is something that is very, very appealing to me. S&M is too. I like to be pushed, physically, mentally and yes emotionally.
There we covered the physical part of what I have to offer. Big whoop. I think THAT is exactly what the posters meant with the entire 'me-me-me' mentality.

So that leaves the quandry of what is it as a sub I have to offer a Lady mentally - or maybe emotionally?

I think what I offer is trust. I went to a play party once a couple years ago. And I saw something that just burned its way into my soul. This entire Dom/sub thing - it is a thing of trust. It is a relationship of such exquisite trust and it is something that is truly beautiful. It goes beyond trust in the normal vanilla world. Hell, it runs rings around it. Trust is what I hope to offer my dominant. Trust that we can sit down and talk before we play about what it is we want out of this, trust that we can talk after we are done about what happened. Trust that the Dominant understands the submissives lines, hard lines that are never to be crossed, soft lines that they are working towards crossing, but not yet ready to cross. Trust that the submissive understands that the scene is something he is offering the dominant as a gift. That he must have trust that the things he does, the performances he acts out are so serving his Mistress that the rewards she will reap on him will be beyond the small and benign things that one would see in a vanilla world. Trust that the chemistry is there between the two that in giving to each what there role is something larger then the parts will emerge.

I think at the exact second, at 2:30 in the morning, in a self examining sorta mood THAT is what I would define as what I have to offer a Dominant Lady.

So am I on the right track?
Have I earned the title of 'Having a clue'?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: What can I offer a Dominant Lady? - 8/4/2004 1:52:03 AM   
MistressDREAD


Posts: 2943
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
spoken like a true sub
a me me me sub at that.

while your thinking about
your *gift* you are giving
a Dominant, Think about
the * Gift * the Dominant
is giving to you. Or do you
only see submission as the
gift?

(in reply to Sllim1973)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: What can I offer a Dominant Lady? - 8/4/2004 6:27:59 AM   
ladyangel


Posts: 58
Joined: 1/27/2004
Status: offline 		Took the words right outta My mouth, Dread.

Thanks for saying what I was thinking while reading that post.

_____________________________

you say I'm a Bitch likes it's a BAD thing.
"Pain is a uniquely personal experience"

(in reply to MistressDREAD)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: What can I offer a Dominant Lady? - 8/4/2004 9:03:23 AM   
MistressDREAD


Posts: 2943
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Your welcome Angel.
I just happen to get
a break to go online
sooner then You or
Im sure You or Sumone
would of said much the
same here. ~lalalalalalal~~

(in reply to ladyangel)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: What can I offer a Dominant Lady? - 8/4/2004 4:44:07 PM   
MastersControl


Posts: 31
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sllim1973

The posts went on to discuss this male sub thing, this 'me-me-me' thing and how normal, plentiful and unapealing it must be.

This leads me to ask a really, really important question.

You Misstresses out there, what exactly do you look for your subs to be offering you?

So am I on the right track?
Have I earned the title of 'Having a clue'?



Remember to submit to a Dom/Domme, you must desire to want to serve their needs and wants, and want to do it from the heart, not from the second head or gut. Many subs look at it as a way to get attention or sex, but it comes down to the desire to serve, and the sub that can open him/herself up to a Dom/Domme unconditionally is where the true gift is shown, not a list of me, me, me's. If you can ask "how can I serve you" without asking "what is in it for me", you have come a long way as a sub.

When I consider a sub, I look at how they percieve life in the lifestyle, and not what they want, because the later will come, but the paradym is what is more important from both sides. Remember to be yourself, and if you really desire to serve, show her, don't just tell her. Your actions really do speak louder than words.

Now I will get off of this soapbox....lol
MC

_____________________________

A Master is not a title, it is what a slave calls her trusted Dom. The true Masters of the past were trained, and given the name, not given the title by self-proclamation.

(in reply to Sllim1973)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: What can I offer a Dominant Lady? - 8/4/2004 9:49:07 PM   
Sundew02


Posts: 457
Joined: 2/6/2004
Status: offline 		sllim, I read your entire post, unfortunately at this time Collarme will not let me access your profile, so this will be my thoughts only from what I read here. What I look for in a male is sincerity and the ability to give to me. His heart and trust. BUT I also look for common sense, I want him to have somewhere in there that he wants to meet, and make sure we match before letting go of control over his whole life. I want to know what he knows, what skills he would bring, more than just D/s knowledge. Manners, good communication skills, no misspelled words and good grammar. Since type is the only way I will have to know about him for awhile, it needs to be as clear as possible. Always put something on the comments side. The click list is so very limiting. And relax, be yourself. Always a good plan. Make sure you have in your comments if you can relocate. Be well, and stay safe, Sundew

< Message edited by Sundew02 -- 8/4/2004 9:51:55 PM >

_____________________________


~~~~~Enjoy the ride, the landing could get painful~~~~

(in reply to Sllim1973)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: What can I offer a Dominant Lady? - 8/4/2004 10:10:03 PM   
Laura


Posts: 573
Joined: 6/22/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline 		Calling submission a gift makes it very one-sided.

Do you plan to submit yourself and then wait for something to happen? What if nothing does. After all, if it's a gift all the Dom needs to do is politely say thank you and move along. Your gift is given. If that's all there was, that's where it would end.

Calling submission a gift is like topping from the bottom, trying to rate your half of the equation as more important and worthy. It's not, it's half but not the whole thing.

_____________________________

Bait & Switch - Adult column

(in reply to Sllim1973)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: What can I offer a Dominant Lady? - 8/4/2004 10:27:37 PM   
LadyBeckett


Posts: 865
Joined: 2/4/2004
From: Scotland/Tennessee
Status: offline
quote:

You Misstresses out there, what exactly do you look for your subs to be offering you?


You may have a "clue", but that won't get you a passing grade in the course. I have a couple of "favorite" words I use quite a bit. One of them is "communication", and the other one is "attitude". I believe they are very important in the D/s relationship. There's two more "clues" for you.

_____________________________

Lady Beckett

_______________________________________________

"Submissive boys yearn to fall into their proper place, so the rest of their life will." ~ Lady Beckett

(in reply to Sllim1973)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: What can I offer a Dominant Lady? - 8/5/2004 2:09:49 AM   
iwillserveu


Posts: 1633
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Let me get this straight. (Sarcasm to follow.) You are asking women what they want?

Granted a subset of women that may have reason to to actually tell the truth, but still...

If Mistress A says she wants A that will not hold true for Mistress B. In fact Mistress H might be insulted if you assume she wants A.

By the way, as I told my 12 year old son, if you ever figure out women, say nothing because they'll change. Well, say nothing except to your Dad.

_____________________________

When the Lady smiles i can't resist her call. As a matter of fact, i don't resist at all. Well that depends if it is a smile or a grimmace.

(in reply to Sllim1973)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: What can I offer a Dominant Lady? - 8/5/2004 7:20:05 AM   
ShadowHwk


Posts: 158
Joined: 1/5/2004
From: New York
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Laura

Calling submission a gift makes it very one-sided.

Do you plan to submit yourself and then wait for something to happen? What if nothing does. After all, if it's a gift all the Dom needs to do is politely say thank you and move along. Your gift is given. If that's all there was, that's where it would end.

Calling submission a gift is like topping from the bottom, trying to rate your half of the equation as more important and worthy. It's not, it's half but not the whole thing.


Forgive my "out of area" posting, I don't often follow the rules - go figure.

Laura,

This is very well said. The whole "submission is a gift" thing, while a somewhat useful fiction (especially where newbies are concerned), doesn’t really address the essence of the Mistress/Master-slave bonding. This fiction is useful because so many come to this lifestyle seeking “something” yet they often have no clue what it is. The “submission as a gift” mantra does often give those with low or little self-esteem a guidepost of sorts.

That being said, I’ve come around to the viewpoint (Thanks to SherriA and her many posts on the subject) that we shouldn’t try and protect folks from themselves, and further they are responsible for themselves – if they get in over their heads then so be it – that in itself teaches some lessons that obviously needed to be learned.

The problem, as I see it (so take this with the usual grain of salt), is that there are those who never realize the simple truth – it takes two to tango. To do the dance there must be an acknowledgement of both sides.

Just my .02

Peace and Light
Terry

(in reply to Laura)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: What can I offer a Dominant Lady? - 8/5/2004 2:41:59 PM   
MystressAna


Posts: 33
Joined: 6/14/2004
From: Sacramento California USA
Status: offline 		In my experience (YMMV), folks who believe submission is a gift get their start online and dont have much actual experience. If we have to use the gift analogy, then dominance or topping is also a gift. I think its much more clear to say bottoming and topping are ways to get one's needs met rather than to gloss it with "gift". Hopefully, getting one's needs met also involve meeting the needs of others as well. The mutuality is the dance I enjoy.
Ana :)

(in reply to Sllim1973)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: What can I offer a Dominant Lady? - 8/5/2004 2:45:17 PM   
MystressAna


Posts: 33
Joined: 6/14/2004
From: Sacramento California USA
Status: offline 		What a dominant is looking for depends on the dominant. Not all are dominants actually. Most are tops, a few are dominants and masters are rare indeed. Some can wear different "hats" depending on the person they interact with. Not to beg the question but its at least as important to know what YOU are looking for. Once that is figured out then you will know what sort of partner you need and then you can begin to look. As far as what a potential partner wants.. just ask. It really is that simple. Most of us who have some time under our belt know what kinds of partners we are compatible with and are happy to lay it all on the table.
Ana :)

(in reply to Sllim1973)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: What can I offer a Dominant Lady? - 8/5/2004 3:28:55 PM   
anthrosub


Posts: 843
Joined: 6/2/2004
Status: offline 		Personally i think this is a great topic to discuss but at the same time, i must say that trying to communicate "in words" who you are and what you offer is very difficult. Using iwill's analogy above, keep in mind that no matter what you put in your profile, someone is going to read it and feel there's something missing. Obviously we can't say it all, so my solution is to try and hit the high points and maybe phrase things in a way that demonstrates your grasp of the lifestyle and the circumstances (being online).

Early on, i started out writing a profile and tried to list my qualities as a sub but over time have learned this is really putting the cart before the horse. Today, i express what i'm looking for as one person looking for another and leave the details for discussing with whoever may take an interest (we will being doing that anyway). i'm not sure if this is a mistake right now but i assume it's a given that if i'm truly submissive, then a Dominant will understand that my intent is to give of myself. Again, how i will go about doing so is something we would discuss. Maybe i'm giving too much credit...but i would like to think i'm not.

anthrosub

< Message edited by anthrosub -- 8/8/2004 10:15:03 AM >

_____________________________

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

(in reply to MystressAna)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: What can I offer a Dominant Lady? - 8/5/2004 4:14:13 PM   
MistresKatamaura


Posts: 34
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline 		Seems to me you need to live a little. Professional Dominants do have their place. For those who DON'T want a relationship or their primary relationship is a marraige and they aren't into polyamory.

Second, if you don't know what you can offer a woman. Yes, a dominant woman is a woman like any other. Vanilla, submissive, switch or dominant doesn't make a difference. If you are looking for a relationship with a dominant woman you have to forget about what you have read, saw or seen about 'stereotypical' behaivor. If you act a stereotype you won't find anyone. Many dominant women end up dating dominant men because submissive men forget everything from basic manners you learn since birth or forget she will be having a relationship with you. Not some carbon bdsm porn submissive from a movie.

I have had more than one play partner that was submissive and acted in bdsm porn. They were in there bdsm movies and we laughed about the way they acted in those movies and the men that immulated them in real life.

So, if you have to ask a woman how to act, serve or offer her. You are not ready for anything with a dominant woman. We perfer men that are self confident and self reliant.

(in reply to Sllim1973)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: What can I offer a Dominant Lady? - 8/5/2004 7:20:06 PM   
MistressZanthia


Posts: 88
Joined: 7/2/2004
From: Seattle, Washington, USA
Status: offline 		No sorry, not the right track.

What's been said by the other's about the "gift" is true. What's been said about us all being different is true, and that last post by MistresKatamaura is dead-on accurate in my opinion. Well said Lady.

Now what I recommend is that you get out, go to a local group meeting get involved with your local community and start meeting people who don't live in fantasyland all the time. Because that is what you will generally find online: many people in fantasyland.

What does this Dominant woman want? I want a man, plain and simple who has interests in common with me, shares of himself with me, heart and soul and who just happens to be sexually submissive. IN THAT ORDER. The level of importance placed on "She must be Domme" or "he must be a sub" is like putting the cart before the horse as I have stated numerous times before.

Put the horse where it belongs in your searches for her, and you'll find her. Put the cart first and she'll either charge you for the priviledge or send you directly to the reject pile.

For those who are analogy challenged:
Horse = Relationship
Cart = BDSM or D/s aspects, SM, etc. KINK

Hope this helps.

_____________________________

~*Zan*~
www.zanthia.com

(in reply to Sllim1973)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: What can I offer a Dominant Lady? - 8/5/2004 7:30:02 PM   
MastersControl


Posts: 31
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MystressAna

Hopefully, getting one's needs met also involve meeting the needs of others as well. The mutuality is the dance I enjoy.
Ana :)



Ana,
I agree with you, it really is "meeting the needs" in ANY relationship vanilla or D/s. Ultimately everyone is human and have needs needing fulfilled.


quote:

ORIGINAL: MystressAna

What a dominant is looking for depends on the dominant. Not all are dominants actually. Most are tops, a few are dominants and masters are rare indeed. Some can wear different "hats" depending on the person they interact with.


So true! Not are created equal, and the wonderful thing about the lifestyle is its diversity. Everyone is different, and would be boring if we were all the same.

MC

_____________________________

A Master is not a title, it is what a slave calls her trusted Dom. The true Masters of the past were trained, and given the name, not given the title by self-proclamation.

(in reply to MystressAna)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: What can I offer a Dominant Lady? - 8/6/2004 12:45:36 PM   
iwillserveu


Posts: 1633
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Zanthia,

Wrong.

I was in a vanilla marriage. Do you know hell? How about "doing things to satisfy his weird kink" to a submissive?

Yeah, I know if I was truly only concerned with her pleasure I'd stop being such a "do me" sub and just do the missionary again and hop back on the dishes. Bullshit.

Does a butler earn his pay? How about a maid (for you Doms and Lesibian Dominas out there.)

The pay for a husband is "do me".

Now back to you analogy. If you put BDSM after the relationship you will have a lousy relationship. You want a Domina? Odds are at random you get a sub or, if you are lucky, a switch.

Unfortunately most women think like Zanthia. You need to convince them that you never even though of sex. On this site, that is hard, so get to work.

Yeah, I'm tired and probably way overstated my case.

_____________________________

When the Lady smiles i can't resist her call. As a matter of fact, i don't resist at all. Well that depends if it is a smile or a grimmace.

(in reply to MistressZanthia)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: What can I offer a Dominant Lady? - 8/6/2004 2:57:46 PM   
MistressZanthia


Posts: 88
Joined: 7/2/2004
From: Seattle, Washington, USA
Status: offline 		iwill,
Clearly you've misunderstood me. Go ahead and try and base a relationship on sex or D/s or whatever the flavored kink of the month is, and you can guess how long it will last.

I've been in the vanilla hell you speak of and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But, the fact remains, you base a relationship on the kink alone (which is what a large percentage of male submissives do, I know, BTDT) and it won't have legs to stand on very long. It has been my experience that when the fantasy wears off, the submissive takes off. Looking for someone to meet the more pressing emotional needs of connection, regardless of the kink.

If you think for a minute that I worry about my needs, you're right, but I know the odds are pretty good that if I met "him" on a D/s site or at a community function, I know he's submissive and he knows I am dominant. And odds are he will fall into one of the 5-6 kinds of submissive males (or a combination thereof). Good thing I enjoy all of those 5-6 kinds isn't it? So in that case I really don't need to know much more about his "details" until I am sure we are a match in all the other areas.

For instance, does he enjoy sushi? Does he like to go on long evening walks? Do we communicate freely and well? Do we have the same goals for the future and would they blend together? Is there chemistry, affinity? Yada yada, there are a million possible red flags when considering someone to have a serious relationship with (much less marry), and if you go about looking to having a specific "kink need" met, you just lowered your chances of ever finding a compatible mate. Simple truth in numbers applies here.

So when you assume I am talking about putting the relationship before the BDSM you're right, but you didn't bother to take into account what we are discussing here and where we are discussing it, did you? I didn't tell him to go out and date vanilla women. I told him simply not to put the cart before the horse... this is a BSDM dating site is it not?

It is sad however that you think so highly of your penis's needs and so little of what makes a real relationship last. Good thing many ladies do think as I do. We know what's truly important in life.

_____________________________

~*Zan*~
www.zanthia.com

(in reply to iwillserveu)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: What can I offer a Dominant Lady? - 8/6/2004 3:12:14 PM   
anthrosub


Posts: 843
Joined: 6/2/2004
Status: offline 		i have to stand with Zanthia's point here. It's just basic common sense that if a relationship is to last, there must be channels open to enrich the exchange. That can only happen if the parties involved have a healthy level of involvement in the majority of their lives together; and that can only occur if there's a good match of personalities, common interests, and strong communication.

Let's face it, life is change even when we try to hold things still and even if we manage to maintain a certain degree of consistency, the force of change will still skew things little by little. i personally think the best situation would be for two people to find they are compatible in the ways Zanthia describes and then walk the D/s path together, finding what works along the way and never getting entrenched in habits as much as possible.

anthrosub

_____________________________

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

(in reply to MistressZanthia)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: What can I offer a Dominant Lady? - 8/6/2004 5:02:51 PM   
MistressZanthia


Posts: 88
Joined: 7/2/2004
From: Seattle, Washington, USA
Status: offline 		Thank you anthrosub, I appreciate that someone "get's me" here. Sometimes it feels like I am speaking to a wall. Wonder why I don't have this problem on other forums I participate in. Maybe it's the "Mistress" in my name. LOL.

I'm just endeavoring to be a realist in fantasyland it would seem.

_____________________________

~*Zan*~
www.zanthia.com

(in reply to anthrosub)
Profile   Post #: 20
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