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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/8/2008 9:05:12 AM

oceanwynds

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Perhaps so Lydia, however I for one choose to not deal with victim mentality. Seen it way to many times in my life. Am not wishing her ill, just not being a part of her drama anymore. It isn't helping her in reality, but feeding it.

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/8/2008 9:12:17 AM

DesFIP

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Lydia, she's 21, of course she's a drama queen. Adolescent angst doesn't automatically disappear when you hit 20. But all her issues are things easily addressed. She tells the dude, "unacceptable, if that's what you want to do then I'm not seeing you any more. Byebye". She tells her father that she's burnt out and he needs to take the grandmother into his home with paid help during the day so he can go to work. He tells her that he won't? Fine, she calls the police and tells them the state this elderly woman is in, and please get somebody from the county office for the aging to intervene as there is nobody there anymore to take care of her.

Then she gets two jobs to keep herself above water and figures out what she wants to do, followed by getting part time training to work toward it. You make a list of what needs to be done and in what order. And then you start doing it, one at a time.

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/8/2008 9:15:25 AM

LydiaSciKitten

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quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwynds

Perhaps so Lydia, however I for one choose to not deal with victim mentality. Seen it way to many times in my life. Am not wishing her ill, just not being a part of her drama anymore. It isn't helping her in reality, but feeding it.

True that, but I was just trying to make the point that even if most of this drama has its roots in victim mentality, such mentality develops only if you are or have been an actual victim of something, however less important than you might be presenting.

I of course fully understand the peple who just do not think there is any good to be done by involving themselves in such a situation.

Nonetheless I personally am ready to believe the OP's story fully, even if this makes me slightly naive. Although all the advice that I could possibly give has already been given, so I can just state my support.

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/8/2008 9:24:05 AM

mistoferin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LydiaSciKitten
True that, but I was just trying to make the point that even if most of this drama has its roots in victim mentality, such mentality develops only if you are or have been an actual victim of something, however less important than you might be presenting.

Simply not true Lydia. There are hordes of people out there who live their entire lives in victim mentality when in reality the only thing they are a victim of is themselves and their own created drama. No one ever said that life was going to be easy. No one ever said it was going to be fair. Sometimes....it just plain sucks. But part of being an adult is accepting and dealing with life on it's own terms....not whining, crying and embellishing the truth in order to gain sympathy.

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/8/2008 9:27:23 AM

LydiaSciKitten

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Lydia, she's 21, of course she's a drama queen.

*stuff*

You make a list of what needs to be done and in what order. And then you start doing it, one at a time.

I myself am 19, and yet not a drama queen, although I am noy leading an entirely easy life. So please, do not generalise so brutally according to age. I have been in a healthy D/s bordering M/s relationship for quite a while, and have never complained over the internet or even to my friends about any of our little issues.

Anyway, it's always very easy for a third party to point out what one should do. The thing, when you are in the actual position, the problem is more that you can't find the strenght or motivation to do what you must, rather than you do not know what you should do. I appreciate that you all try to be objective, pragmatic and brutally honest with this, and I do think it's the best approach. But do not think that for her to do what she has been shown is right, is an easy thing.

So my advice is, Nani, sit down, and think. Think about what you want your life to be like, what you want to choose for yourself, and how you can reach your goals in a realistic manner. Decide about which sacrifces you -have- to make, and about what your priorities are. You and I are still in an age where we have much to discover about ourselves. It is not just you, it's just about anyone your age that is going thourgh some sort of existential agony. Whether it is triggered by a BDSM relationship gone wrong or not. So grit your teeth, most people go through similar phases, and most make it through all by themselves.

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/8/2008 9:33:23 AM

LydiaSciKitten

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Simply not true Lydia. There are hordes of people out there who live their entire lives in victim mentality when in reality the only thing they are a victim of is themselves and their own created drama. No one ever said that life was going to be easy. No one ever said it was going to be fair. Sometimes....it just plain sucks. But part of being an adult is accepting and dealing with life on it's own terms....not whining, crying and embellishing the truth in order to gain sympathy.

You are probably right. What I meant was, if someone has no real problem that is any more special than most people's problems, and still create such a cruel alternative reality for themselves, then they are a victim, as you said, of their own selves. They are mentally or emotionally unhealthy. And that means they DO have a problem.

And yes, life sucks, and we all have to deal with it. Most of us face or have faced such situations, and have moved on. I fully agree there. But sympathy can be nice, no matter how strong and independent we should all try to be.

I do agree with you in mostly everything. I guess I am just less cynical because I am younger. And more naive.

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/8/2008 10:28:15 AM

oceanwynds

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quote:

And yes, life sucks, and we all have to deal with it. Most of us face or have faced such situations, and have moved on. I fully agree there. But sympathy can be nice, no matter how strong and independent we should all try to be.

I do agree with you in mostly everything. I guess I am just less cynical because I am younger. And more naive

It is okay Lydia, at your age and many years past that I use to be the bleeding heart let me save you person. After many years in therapy and codependent meetings, I had learned to step back. To be honest though, I have to keep a check on me, cause I still want to 'save everyone', but know you cant. Smiles, good thing I do keep a close check on me, since I work in the counseling fields.
oceanwynds

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/8/2008 11:18:00 AM

RealSub58

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisNani
He and I met in April, signed a contract in July, and I moved in with my Grandma in August. He and I have been maintaining the relationship through nightly phone conversations, and as much texting/emails/im as physically possible. Usually I'm up til 3am or so. That's how we've been maintaining it.
As for how I'm going to see him, I usually have to give much more advanced notice to my family but I am demanding a day next week without being obligated to my grandmother. I have that right, especially after all I've done. My family will scramble around for that one day. Only because he'd be driving six hours and they know it. Usually, though, I can't simply say "next week, I need a day for ____" because the time it takes for my parents to scramble to figure out who is going to watch Grandma is ridiculous.

Well I'm about done trying to get through because it seems you have an answer for everything....even if you can't find the answers for what's really important. You've got a guy that you stay up til 3 am talking on the phone to. Do you think maybe you could deal more effectively with the other stresses in your life if you were more well rested? If you can get your family to cover you for a day to see him....you can surely get them to cover you for an hour to see a therapist. Has it ever crossed your mind that, taking everything into consideration, maybe it's not the best idea to try to maintain a long distance relationship with a guy who is also fraught with issues and is certainly hindering and not helping the myriad of issues you have?

As well.....there is much to say about taking care of one's self....

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/8/2008 12:09:48 PM

SylvereApLeanan

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quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel

Don't put words in my mouth, girly. And don't presume you know me or what i do or don't know.

I know exactly what you do and don't know in this situation. You know the same thing everyone else here knows. And that is what Nani has told us. Otherwise, you know precisely bollocks. You can have any interpretation you like, but you don't have any more information than anyone else. So come down off your high horse. Others have a different interpretation than you and have made efforts to help the girl with her situation. Deal with it. If you don't want anyone to put words in your mouth, shut your mouth.

quote:

If you want to be acknowledged you may want to learn that common courtesy.

You should take this advice yourself.

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/8/2008 12:21:49 PM

SylvereApLeanan

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HisNani

Thoughts? Ideas? Food offerings?

Ok, Nani...

I understand your situation. I understand that it all seems too much and you're feeling overwhelmed. However, at this point, I think you're letting your fear and feelings of guilt get the better of you. It's true that your situation is difficult. It's true that it's not fair. But it is what it is. The only way it's ever going to change is if you change it. A lot of people have given you some great advice. IMO, you should take it.

You want to have a conversation with your master before you end the relationship. Fine, if that's what you feel you need to do, do it. Consider this, though: What if he's very sorry now, promises to change, and then doesn't? What happens the next time you make a little mistake? Or worse, a big one? What will he do then? Will you be right back where you started when you posted for help? Will you feel helpless, terrified, and possibly have your PTSD triggered again? What will you do?

Think long and hard about your answers to those questions because you need to answer them before you talk to him. You need to have an exit strategy. You need to prepare now, not later. Get on it.

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/8/2008 12:23:31 PM

HisNani

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Thank you Lydia...And for the record it's the first one. I hadn't realized I seem overdramatic and attention-seeking. I had just come onto this board and posted because I had no one to talk to...it's not like I could go to the Encyclopedia Of Good Slaves and Masters and search the index for this. I never meant for it to seem like I was coming on here to bash him, or to get all sorts of sympathy for whining and whatnot. I never meant for this thread to become anything disrespectful to anyone. I just needed input...opinions and ideas of people who have been there. I don't have an M/s mentor, so how am I to know what is and isn't okay? I had to ask. I know I have issues, I admit I have issues. I'm not in denial about them, or about anything that has been pointed out to me about the relationship I'm in. If I was going to start a thread like this one...asking for advice, asking for help...why would I tell everyone who advised me that they were wrong? Personally, I'm just throwing ideas back and forth and trying to keep from being attacked...some of you do seem to come at me with things making it seem like everything I say is an excuse, and anything I say should be disregarded. All I wanted was advice, and I'm deeply grateful to all of you who were kind enough to offer me unbiased advice without attacking my character or my own personal issues. I never asked to be taken apart and held over a fire...and I never expected it not to happen and for the whole place to be all smiles and rainbows. I'm not that naïve. I would just like to be able to discuss an issue, toss ideas back and forth, and not have to defend my life and what goes on in it to everyone. I'm not a whiney little brat, and I know for fact I have a good head on my shoulders. Yes, I have issues, but who out there doesn't? I'm not unwilling to get help, if I was I wouldn't have gone to my parents Jan of last year and begged them to help me find someone to help me deal with this. I wouldn't be paying over $100 a month for medications, and $223 a month for health insurance so I can actually afford those medications and the doctors that gave them to me.
I did not come on here to disrespect my Master, or slander his name, or whine, throw a fit, complain or anything such as that. I'm much too old and I know for fact I'm much more mature than to do things like that. If it seems that way, it was never my intent. I came here for the knowledge and experience of others so that I could learn more about the Lifestyle and those in it. Simple as that.

As for the "punishment". Yes, I am going to see him when he comes up. I am going to attempt a talk with him, and if that doesn't work I'm not going to stick around and deal with him. If he won't spend the time talking to me to try to solve whatever issues we have, then he doesn't deserve my time. I never said I was going to let him beat me and slice off all my hair.

and lilmisssubmiss...it's not one inch of hair. It's cutting my hair to above my collar. If it was one inch I wouldn't care- I've been debating cutting off ten inches to donate to Locks of Love anyway.

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/8/2008 1:15:14 PM

came4U

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quote:

I never said I was going to let him beat me and slice off all my hair.

This is oh so circular.

Then why the title, 'Please help me...I'm terrified'.

I didn't gather you were terrified since the get-go. People who are terrified change their IDs, phone number, locks.

Nor did I fall into the trap of telling you to get away from him. Like I posted earlier, the belt and hairdo is no big deal, as you say so yourself now.

Some others also had stresses at your age. I for one had 3 ums in diapers while my man was gone to train men for war, I was in a new country and no family within a thousand miles. Not to mention a military career that was put on hold. I also taken in to care for my mother (Alziemers) while I tried to attend a university grad program. Most of this was back before the internet, yanno, we had to actually handle it--alone (we survived).

So now the haircut is not even a concern? Ok, solve half of the problem and have it cut off yourself as you say you were considering anyways. Seems if you want to control the situation anyways, you may as well go all out. Ya, belt yourself too, get it over with, less on your plate.

So, what is this really about? As my first comment suggests, it is about growing up. (But given that mine didn't attract your attention because I didn't try to coddle you). Don't you have enough to worry about (illnesses, family, etc etc)? Terrified of what? Being found out that if in a lull of drama around the house and being in-between dom visits that you are bored and needed some luvin' and attention? Then you fight the attention if you don't get the responses you expected.

Shouldn't the title have been 'Help me, I'm bored today"?

< Message edited by came4U -- 11/8/2008 1:29:42 PM >

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/8/2008 4:31:38 PM

HisNani

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quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U
I didn't gather you were terrified since the get-go. People who are terrified change their IDs, phone number, locks.

Not everyone does. And I wrote it since the conversation had taken place that day. I truly was terrified.

quote:

Nor did I fall into the trap of telling you to get away from him.

It wasn't a trap. I just wanted some advice on what to do.

quote:

Like I posted earlier, the belt and hairdo is no big deal, as you say so yourself now.

The belt IS a big deal, it would make me deathly afraid of anyone who comes near me. The "hairdo" is cutting my hair above my collar, which would make me look ridiculous and bring all sorts of negative attention and humiliation my way. So, yes, that is also an issue. Cutting off ten inches of my hair puts it shoulder-length, no shorter.

quote:

Some others also had stresses at your age. I for one had 3 ums in diapers while my man was gone to train men for war, I was in a new country and no family within a thousand miles. Not to mention a military career that was put on hold. I also taken in to care for my mother (Alziemers) while I tried to attend a university grad program. Most of this was back before the internet, yanno, we had to actually handle it--alone (we survived).

I'm wondering why this became a who had it worse competition, when I was just explaining what's on my plate.

quote:

So, what is this really about? As my first comment suggests, it is about growing up. (But given that mine didn't attract your attention because I didn't try to coddle you).

Yours didn't warrant a response because it was rude, cold, and making assumptions about my character and my life that you know very little about. I don't take kindly to people who treat me like a stupid child, or who seem to think that years and experience make them better than anyone else out there.

quote:

Terrified of what? Being found out that if in a lull of drama around the house and being in-between dom visits that you are bored and needed some luvin' and attention?

I was terrified as to what I should do, what I was doing, what I was supposed to expect and whether or not I was in a "normal" M/s relationship and simply too weak to handle it. You can think all you want that I made up my story, but clearly you can't tell when someone is lying and when someone is genuine. I asked for advice, not sympathy, not ohh poor baby's. I HATE sympathy, I HATE pity, I HATE being the center of attention and the only reason I did this was so I could get some helpful feedback since I am admittedly new at this. Asking someone with experience for help is not something that anyone should ever be afraid of. Growing up I was always told to ask someone who knew about it if I needed help. That's what I'm doing. That's what I did. And I think it's very wrong of you attack someone who asks a question simply for asking the question in the first place.

quote:

Shouldn't the title have been 'Help me, I'm bored today"?

If I was bored I wouldn't do something so pathetic as come onto a message board and make up a story about something that never happened. There's no point in it. If I was bored, I probably would have gone straight to the off topic discussions section where all the "person above me" games are. If I was bored I could have been doing a million other things than this. This isn't about boredom. You clearly have an issue with making snap judgements in others and automatically assuming the worst of them. You're so convinced you're right it's disgusting, and who's the one who took the time to see if I personally responded to their post?
Oh, right you.
And *I'm* the one seeking attention? Please.

< Message edited by HisNani -- 11/8/2008 4:32:35 PM >

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/8/2008 6:08:09 PM

greeneyedreamer

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Nani[/font]

quote:

This is where I'm desperate for help. I realize that this isn't a little deal, but does it really warrant the punishment he's going to give me? That punishment is going to make me afraid of any sort of touch from anyone...I will physically recoil. It's happened before. And to deal with the trauma of being made fun of for my appearance...again...I wouldn't be able to deal with being out in public. I have very little self-confidence as is...I'd have none whatsoever. I'd completely lose my personality.

THAT IS SIMPLY NOT TRUE. IT WAS A LITTLE DEAL AND THIS IS ABUSE, BOTH MENTAL AND PHYSICAL.

PLEASE BE CAREFUL. Dreamer

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/8/2008 7:09:45 PM

came4U

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quote:

As for the "punishment". Yes, I am going to see him when he comes up. I am going to attempt a talk with him, and if that doesn't work I'm not going to stick around and deal with him. If he won't spend the time talking to me to try to solve whatever issues we have, then he doesn't deserve my time. I never said I was going to let him beat me and slice off all my hair.

So, explain terrifed again? If that is your summary of all this....

Didn't I say:
quote:
Nor did I fall into the trap of telling you to get away from him.

you reply:
quote:

It wasn't a trap. I just wanted some advice on what to do.

and others told you to run, you prefer those answers yet still haven't--ran?

quote:

I'm wondering why this became a who had it worse competition, when I was just explaining what's on my plate.

This is no competition...what you have to realize is that there are PRIORITIES in life, and if this guy is giving you so much hardship that requires dragging in paragraph upon paragraph of details of other things in your life that also require you time, make a choice.

quote:

Yours didn't warrant a response because it was rude, cold, and making assumptions about my character and my life that you know very little about.
??

Mine was cold, rude? I told you that if you cannot get along with ex's or learn how to deal with them then obviously your maturity level is a little weak (in so many words). This is the main problem and how your problem began NO? The main posting is you going on about getting in trouble for having contact with an ex. How was I rude or cold?

quote:

You're so convinced you're right it's disgusting, and who's the one who took the time to see if I personally responded to their post?
Oh, right you.

If I have the time, yes, we all do. Do you not know basics of forums? Should we make comment 'hit n runs'?

I didn't accuse you of making anything up btw. Oh, I do believe you have all this stuff going on, believe you me. How you juggle it sanely is up to you.

< Message edited by came4U -- 11/8/2008 7:15:32 PM >

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/9/2008 12:42:52 AM

TabrisMaceth

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quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

Mine was cold, rude?

Yes. You were- and are- cold, rude, and downright callous. Jesus Christ, I've just recently dealt with yet another fake-ass manipulator, and despite all the fucking liars I've dealt with in my life, I'm still not about to say to anyone could have a post traumatic flashback that the thing that could trigger the flashback is...what did you say? "No big deal"? That is incredibly insensitve, if not borderline sociopathic. "No big deal"? I talked to her and there was this one little thing she said that just...really fucking pisses me off that anyone would say "no big deal". Just for the sake of argument, let's just say your dad beat your ass on a daily basis with a belt until you were old enough to get away from him. Is someone bringing that shit up "no big deal"? I don't care how hard your life was. I don't care if you were a damn POW for seven years. That doesn't say anything about you as a person. Telling someone who might very well breakdown that what traumatized them is "no big deal"? Not only does that say something about what kind of person you really are, but that is sick, fucked up bullshit.

-Tabris

< Message edited by TabrisMaceth -- 11/9/2008 12:43:30 AM >

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/9/2008 3:06:44 AM

badlilthang

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i have read every post...ever single one.

Where did it put my thoughts? OP will do as she very well please - no matter what anyone say here. She has an explanation for absolutely everything - and she might have problems expressing herself orally - but she sure has the gift of the written word.

My advice is - use those writing skills for your own mental health. Write it out of your system - poetry, stories - hate letters....doesn't matter. Get it out - and then reread it on calmer/better days....do not sent the hate letters to anyone but yourself - in a mail, for instance...and you will be totally surprised when you open that mail - and read your words once again. i suggest you chose to read them on a calmer/better day....you will see it in an entirely different light.

You have a million personal issues - yourself - family - work (not) wise...etc...He has just as many issues, it seems - and i do not think "2 wrongs will make a right here". No matter if some here said drama queen - and others said run for your life - you are still responsible for YOU. This man is simply not good for you - in any shape, way or form.

What if you put your fot down and said - i have done my part with grandma, and got on with your own life? That would force your dad into making decision about his mom - and not just shrug his shoulder and let you take the responsibility. Then take the next step...and the next step for yourself to take your life worth living with a smile. When you are happy with who you are - and an honestly say you like yourself, then it might be time to look for a Master. To expect a Master to "save" you - or for you to "save" Him is never ever a good thing.

I will not bore you with details from my sordid past - just tell you i have plenty of hands on experience in most of what you have written about - but the weapon i use is:

i am not a victim - i am a survivor - my past is behind me - gone - my life is right NOW - and i am in charge of my future.

Good Luck.

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/9/2008 4:52:01 AM

came4U

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you refer to my post on page 5?, most of it refers to how to handle ex's (wasn't this the reason she is in trouble with this guy in the first place??)

quote:

edit to add: a haircut? belt? not that bad of a deal. I'd worry more about getting my shit together more than those things. Until you do, they are just a punchingbag (verbal, emotional or physical) for kicks and thinking without that you are lost. In that case, if you were a slave, then accept his teachings, learn and move on. If it is too terrifying, stop it now.

This problem (in the OP) arose out of disobeying some guy...

This guy doesn't live with her. She has enough to worry about without adding him to the pile. If she has PTST then she can 1. get genuine therapy or 2. she can choose to accept some guy who may or may not disregard this fact. I didn't pick him, she did. No one can babysit her all the time. Maybe you think it is 'cold' of me, I call it a dose of reality.

quote:

Telling someone who might very well breakdown that what traumatized them is "no big deal"?

Then obviously bdsm is a bad choice and so is this guy. Don't blame me for any breakdown she has. If she was so concerned for her mental health (because of a belt) all she has to do is not answer his calls or meet him again, so darn simple.

quote:

I talked to her and there was this one little thing she said that just...really fucking pisses me off that anyone would say "no big deal". Just for the sake of argument, let's just say your dad beat your ass on a daily basis with a belt until you were old enough to get away from him. Is someone bringing that shit up "no big deal"? I don't care how hard your life was. I don't care if you were a damn POW for seven years. That doesn't say anything about you as a person.

No was not even spanked. Again, if someone has mental blocks or triggers from something from their past, then why subject themselves to someone who is insensitive to it?

< Message edited by came4U -- 11/9/2008 5:10:22 AM >

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/9/2008 8:51:31 AM

KyttynTheMynx

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-has flash backs to Dollparts85-

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/9/2008 9:12:06 AM

badlilthang

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KyttynTheMynx

-has flash backs to Dollparts85-

**peeks in....what is Dollparts85*??

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