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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/7/2008 10:42:29 AM

eri

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HisNani

Good Goddess, you guys are becoming my therapists. ...not sure that's a good thing... but I sure as heck didn't expect you guys to be so...nice. Not being stereotypical except for message boards...which tend to completely roast me for being honest. You guys have calmed me down. Now I know I'm not *totally* crazy =)

Nani, do you have an actual therapist who is helping you work these issues? It sounds like that is what you need right now, more than a Master. It is natural for a dominant to want to fix things but the problem is, most dominants have never had the training necessary to actually address and help someone solve mental and emotional problems.

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/7/2008 10:59:40 AM

michaelOfGeorgia

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in the words of Captain Jack Sparrow: "We must fight... to run away.:

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/7/2008 12:20:47 PM

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From: London, Ontario
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I am going to bypass any advice and attention given to the current situation and come to the same conclusion I have said before...

You can tell a lot about a person by their ex's and the mature (on-going or not) relationships they are capable of having after the fact.
(ie: if a guy has 3 ex wives/gfs, 'they are all b*tches' he claims. Well He chose em didn't he? Of course THEY are all bitches, it isn't YOUUUUUU! lol

Like that Seinfeld episode where Elaine wanted to keep dating the guy out of curiosity (thinking he was some kinda prize perhaps?) because he had psycho women chasing after him. Turns out he was a just a 'bad breaker-up'er'.

This type of person is not only bad at breaking up and being maturely responsible in the reasoning of explaination of a decay in the coupling, this person always finds ways and means of chronically seeking the same type of person and objectifying the same types of faults upon anyone they date. They always reason that they are smothered by affection, need release yet want desperately only to be wanted from afar..it is safer.

Finding themselves in an abusive (again, seemingly attracting some sort of affection) situation only creates conflict in the thought pattern. The person is doing what he/she is only used to having occur AFTER a relationship is over. Unsure of how to handle the reality of it happening in real time, one might even seek advice of others to do the hard work of decision making for them (ie: DUMP HIM, RUNNNNN).

Why? He is feeding the usual reaction that ex's usually do? Why dump it? If she doesn't set true limits to stop beating before hooking up with a guy next time, then obviously neither of them get 'it' at all. Why be terrified if it not necessarily come true if you do not attend such a meet? Terror can be stopped in it's tracks if you do not allow yourself in the vicinity of an abuser. Fear is your best friend sometimes.

Besides, if you cannot get along with ex's, it only proves you have done things or allowed things to occur that caused ruin to any amicable breakup. I would never trust this type. Why do so many people fight so terribly for custody of ums, the family pet, a cottage, yet cannot even fight for custody of their basic instinct for dignity and privacy when they choose to move on?

edit to add: a haircut? belt? not that bad of a deal. I'd worry more about getting my shit together more than those things. Until you do, they are just a punchingbag (verbal, emotional or physical) for kicks and thinking without that you are lost. In that case, if you were a slave, then accept his teachings, learn and move on. If it is too terrifying, stop it now.

< Message edited by came4U -- 11/7/2008 12:32:37 PM >

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/7/2008 1:04:48 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

You know, I see lots of great advice being given. Unfortunately the girl that needs it, is too busy dog paddling as fast as she can to protect this guy. Making excuses for his behaviour and her own. Telling us why she is too special for counseling, telling us that underneath the asshole he really is a great guy.

I did the same thing with my abuser, it is a classic pattern.

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/7/2008 1:22:23 PM

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OP...the title of this thread is, in part, I'm Terrified.
For me, therein lies your answer. Terror is not a part of BDSM. Terror equals mistrust.
Leave.

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/7/2008 1:34:08 PM

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In reality she has to help herself. She has received a lot of great advice, but her pulse is beating on the drama and I havent seen her deciding to really help herself. Plus the factor she sees us now as counselors and helping her scares the crap out of me. It is a red flag of not taking responsibility for oneself. :(

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/7/2008 2:14:21 PM

Posts: 54
Joined: 11/3/2008
From: Maryland
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seeing you guys as counselors I was joking about =)

I do take all of the advice seriously, and while I'm very very poor (*ahem* unemployed. Long story. Bad situation I got out of with company owners that were total greedy jerks.) I am looking around at counselors and therapists through the sites that have been suggested. I'm going to even bookmark the sites, and look into them more when the time comes where I can actually choose one to have an appointment with. So I'm not ignoring you all on the counseling thing. Actually, before this thread, I had no idea that kink friendly counselors existed! It's really cool =)

As for the codependency. Yes, it's a major issue, I know, and yes, I am an enabler of the nth degree. However, and I know you guys will just have to believe me on this, I'm much less of an enabler than I was. Since I've gotten medical treatment for my depression and anxiety, etc. and started meditating and focusing more on what I'm thinking and feeling than what I think others should be feeling...I've improved quite a bit. I enable less. I'm much less afraid to say flat out no, even though it twists me up inside, I know it's better to do. Healthier. I'm also not responsible for solving the world's issues, so if people come to me for help, I advise them, but I'm not going to solve the problem for them like I used to try to do. I think the first main step, as they say, is acceptance. It means that I know there's something wrong and it means I can learn how to fix it. So, I'm careful how I reply to most things, but sometimes I don't think it through and I know it.

Anyway, it may not seem it but I do appreciate everything you're saying. And as far as abusive things, I'm not putting up with it. This...I don't know. I'm usually very good at reading people...knowing a lot about them they didn't tell me from just a few minutes of talking. I also pick up on emotions and emotional/psychological reasons for things more often than most people do. Basically, I tend to trust my instincts, and while those can be wrong, and have been before, they're more often right. I just have this feeling that it's something else...it is getting to be VERY dangerously close to abusive behavior, and I know it. I just want to try having a sit down talk with him about it first. If nothing changes, or he refuses, I'm out. End of story.

I'm far from "special" I'm far from a little miss perfect, and I'm definitely far from being perfectly mentally healthy. I know that, and I would never ever claim otherwise. I am listening you guys, I am. It really is a lot to process. But I'm definitely taking notes. =)

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/7/2008 3:09:54 PM

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From: The Ghost Matrix
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I'm good at reading people, too, but...good lord, the mistakes I've made...anyway, it's good that you're talking things with him. The first time I had this huge fight with my last girlfriend, I felt a lot better talking about it with her. Ultimately, though, she just wanted me to be blindly obedient, so you should both be careful that neither of you starts taking advantage of the other.

-Tabris

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/7/2008 3:21:57 PM

eri

Posts: 77
Joined: 11/3/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: HisNani

I had no idea that kink friendly counselors existed! It's really cool =)

The counselor does not have to be "kink friendly" to help you learn to establish healthy boundaries and avoid abusive relationships.

_____________________________

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“Women must understand that simply attacking or hating men is just another form of disempowerment. A woman has to realize that when she makes a man crawl it doesn't give her power.” ~ Tori Amos

(in reply to HisNani)

RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/7/2008 4:10:51 PM

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Well, I was writing up my own response, then I saw SylvereAptLeanan's and decided that was pefecly fine as is. That's probably for the best since I get riled easily on fear based dynamics.

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/7/2008 4:30:01 PM

Posts: 54
Joined: 11/3/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TabrisMaceth

I'm good at reading people, too, but...good lord, the mistakes I've made...

Oh yeah, you're either dead-on or you're really really really off.
Do you get vibes from people too? Like...you don't know the person, you know nothing about them, never seen them before...but you get this feeling around them/about them and you want as far away from them as possible?

My aunt who had to go into hiding to get away from her ex husband...I met him once. It was my cousin's graduation and he showed up. I'd never met him before, and I didn't know who he was. My parents didn't have to tell me he was a horrible person. I backed up as fast as physically possible and immediately asked my dad who the guy was whose vibe was freaking me out. He told me, and then it made sense. My mom gets vibes like that too, but not everyone out there does. And I've never actually met someone else who can read people like I can. =) It's neat.

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/7/2008 4:56:49 PM

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Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
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quote:

ORIGINAL: HisNani

seeing you guys as counselors I was joking about =)

Good to hear.

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisNani

I do take all of the advice seriously,

Prove it with your actions, not with excuses.

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisNani

and while I'm very very poor (*ahem* unemployed. Long story. Bad situation I got out of with company owners that were total greedy jerks.)

See what I mean? I work with the homeless, among them battered women who, despite also being unemployed make themselves destitute and homeless to get away.

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisNani

I am looking around at counselors and therapists through the sites that have been suggested. I'm going to even bookmark the sites, and look into them more when the time comes where I can actually choose one to have an appointment with. So I'm not ignoring you all on the counseling thing. Actually, before this thread, I had no idea that kink friendly counselors existed! It's really cool =)

'I'm going to' only implies an intention. Bookmarking websites isn't enough, you need to call them and make an appointment. When are you going to do this? Who have you found? What is preventing you from seeing them? What are you doing to overcome those difficulties?

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisNani

As for the codependency. Yes, it's a major issue, I know, and yes, I am an enabler of the nth degree. However, and I know you guys will just have to believe me on this, I'm much less of an enabler than I was. Since I've gotten medical treatment for my depression and anxiety, etc. and started meditating and focusing more on what I'm thinking and feeling than what I think others should be feeling...I've improved quite a bit. I enable less. I'm much less afraid to say flat out no, even though it twists me up inside, I know it's better to do. Healthier.

More excuses?

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisNani

I'm also not responsible for solving the world's issues

But you are responsible for your own issues, right? And if you don't get them sorted out, what good is it going to be anyway for anyone else? You need to focus on your own issues right now. Maybe let the other people do the same.

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisNani

I think the first main step, as they say, is acceptance. It means that I know there's something wrong and it means I can learn how to fix it. So, I'm careful how I reply to most things, but sometimes I don't think it through and I know it.

Here you have a golden opportunity to change things - to be able to think things through and change something.

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisNani

Anyway, it may not seem it but I do appreciate everything you're saying. And as far as abusive things, I'm not putting up with it.

Then why all the excuses and explanations?

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisNani

I'm usually very good at reading people...knowing a lot about them they didn't tell me from just a few minutes of talking. I also pick up on emotions and emotional/psychological reasons for things more often than most people do. Basically, I tend to trust my instincts, and while those can be wrong, and have been before, they're more often right.

Your instincts are wrong here. What are you doing about it?

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisNani

I just have this feeling that it's something else...it is getting to be VERY dangerously close to abusive behavior, and I know it. I just want to try having a sit down talk with him about it first. If nothing changes, or he refuses, I'm out. End of story.

I'd rephrase that - it IS dangerously abusive behaviour - no ifs, no buts. What do you want to talk to him about? The writing is on the wall, and you need to be deciding whether you want to be a victim or you want to get through this and survive. You want to survive? Three step plan of action - GET OUT - STAY OUT - DON'T GO BACK.

Right now the only person you need to be talking to is a counsellor, therapist or someone who can help you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisNani

I'm far from "special" I'm far from a little miss perfect, and I'm definitely far from being perfectly mentally healthy. I know that, and I would never ever claim otherwise. I am listening you guys, I am. It really is a lot to process. But I'm definitely taking notes. =)

Four simple words - GET AWAY FROM HIM - now is that really a lot to process?

It isn't notes you should be taking right now - it's ACTION.

< Message edited by stella41b -- 11/7/2008 4:58:36 PM >

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/7/2008 5:10:18 PM

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Nani, I went to a dentist when I was a kid who wasn't any good and didn't care if you had an emergency. The result of that isn't that I haven't been to a dentist in the last 40 years, but that I only go to good ones now.

You saying that you saw one therapist briefly who wasn't any good doesn't mean you are excused from getting the help you need. It does mean you need to interview them over the phone as to their qualifications and experience in your problems. Go find a good one. You want one with experience in verbal and emotional abuse? Ask them about their experience treating such. You want one comfortable with a power inequal relationship? Ask them how they feel about it and if they've had any experience.

But you need help and it is still your responsibility to find someone competent to give it to you. One bad apple doesn't mean every apple tree needs to be chopped down. That's an excuse not to do hard, painful, years long work.

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/7/2008 5:19:13 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HisNani
I am listening you guys, I am.

Why is it that I get the very distinct feeling that while you may indeed be listening....you aren't actually hearing a thing.

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There are no victims here...only volunteers.

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/7/2008 5:25:51 PM

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Not until she decides to help herself will any of our words matter. I not saying this in a mean way, just very familiar to the song and dance.

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/7/2008 5:43:10 PM

Posts: 54
Joined: 11/3/2008
From: Maryland
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What's preventing me from snapping into action right now?
My remaining grandmother has Alzehimer's. To prevent my father moving in with her to care for her (and possibly get fired from his well paying job, and definitely destroy his marriage to my mother) my sister and I volunteered to move in and pretty much babysit. It was supposed to be a shared responsibility, but, since I was forced to quit my job I've been her sole caretaker day in and day out. She cannot be left alone, my father, who works constantly, won't get nursing services for her because he doesn't trust anyone, won't put her in a nursing home, my mother is busy caring for my mentally handicapped oldest sister, and my Antisocial Personality Disorder teenage brother, and I have no car. Even if I did have a car/license...and even while riding the bus, which is how I got to work...what am I supposed to do? Just abandon a sick family member? My sister, horrible person she is, does nothing around the house and is working full time and going to school full time. She's never here. I haven't had a day to myself in three months. Haven't been out of this house for more than three hours for over two months. If I can't get time to myself to make phone calls/visit friends/go for a walk/etc, how can I make time to go to a therapist? I've been applying to jobs (since most of them are online) and trying to get through that issue first. One thing at a time.
I'm not sure what is to be seen as an excuse and what is to be seen as justification. I consider the situation with my grandmother to be the latter. Is there some...formula or something that would make it so I can differentiate between excuse and justification? O.o I know...I'd probably learn it in therapy. But it would help to know at least that piece of information now.
Thank you guys *hugs*

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/7/2008 5:49:24 PM

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Wow, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. Lots of lessons can be learned here. Preserverence so you find employment, even if it means riding the bus. (sure wish I could ride a bus to work, that was so nice) Compassion to help care for a sick family member. Forgiveness so you can help pick up the slack because your sister is never home.

A good thing, is that none of these irons in the fire are going to prevent you from ceasing contact with this guy that's making you nuts and terrified. I wish you well, keep your head up, you will be much stronger in the end for the trials you are going through. Having an abusive man in the mix is unnecessary, and contrary to personal growth and happiness.

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/7/2008 5:54:31 PM

SylvereApLeanan

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Nani ~

You definitely have a lot on your plate. I understand and sympathize. However, this is one of those defining moments in your life. You have an opportunity to set a healthy boundary. Start at home.

Tell your family that you need to make a health related appointment. It's none of their business what it is, so if they ask you don't need to tell them why you're making it unless you're comfortable doing so. Tell them that you will need X amount of time on Y day to make phone calls to set up the appointment. You will not be available to care for your grandmother for that period of time. Tell them that the rest of them will have to hash it out among themselves who will care for her during that time. Then let them deal with the issue of her care however they see fit. It stops being your responsibility for whatever amount of time you set. Do this as often as necessary to get the appointment. When you get the appointment, do it again and include travel time.

After you tell them how much time you need, let it go. Do not let them nag you, berate you, or make you feel guilty. This is your first lesson in how to set healthy boundaries. Good luck and *hugs*.

*Edited for typos.*

< Message edited by SylvereApLeanan -- 11/7/2008 5:59:30 PM >

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/7/2008 5:56:17 PM

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Wow, you really do have bad luck....of all the people you could have responded with this to...you chose me. Me, who has been the full time caretaker of my own mother for several years now. Me, who also manages to run a business, take care of Sir AND have a social life.

I'd like to ask if you can't even find time to make a phone call to a friend....what business do you have trying to be a partner in a relationship? What time frame can you devote to such an endeavor? What of yourself can you devote to serving a Master?

Seriously, the only difference between a road block and a stepping stone is how you choose to use them. What you just wrote adds up to a bunch of excuses to me. A whole bunch of excuses to excuse you from doing that which you don't really want to do. Sorry....but that tired old dog just don't run.

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~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

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RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified - 11/7/2008 6:27:32 PM

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Joined: 10/28/2007
Status: offline

Hey sweetie,

When I started reading this thread I didn't realize it was someone I know writing it. (Caught on when I got to the ex-fiance bit. ; ) I think you know I was in a very similar situation in the past, but perhaps you don't realize just how similar. You have my MySpace and Yahoo IDs. Message me if you want to talk about stuff.

~faith

(in reply to HisNani)

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