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Long Distance Relationship - 8/7/2004 9:43:32 AM

Posts: 49
Joined: 1/1/2004
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This is not a "whine" or "rant" thread. I'm serious in getting your responses.

As we all know, finding a D/s partner is never an easy task. However, I think I have two unique problems that have to be overcome.

First, I live in a small town in the mid-west right in the middle of the bible belt. I have read in various threads suggestions to attend munches as a means to meet people. A fairly exhastive search has failed to locate such organizations or groups that are within a four or five hour drive from where I live.

Second, my age .... I'm 61. The age of my submissive lady is not an issue for me. However, I can undertand where it would be for a submissive. I can and do respect their feelings and preferences.

As a result of the above, it has become necessary for me to expand the geographical area of my search. It is possible that I may find the right submissive lady but she will live some distance from me. Since I am now retired, I do have flexibility to travel easily. However the distance does present some unique problems. I do have some flexibility to relocate but do want to wait until I'm sure the relationship has some degree of certainity that it will work.

My questions ...... have any of you been involved in a long distance relationship? Was it successful? If so, how did you make it work? If it didn't work out, what caused it to fail?

Any and all ideas and suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

Donn
AKA ThorsHammer

RE: Long Distance Relationship - 8/7/2004 9:50:48 AM

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

My questions ...... have any of you been involved in a long distance relationship? Was it successful? If so, how did you make it work? If it didn't work out, what caused it to fail?

I was in a relationship with a flight attendant who lived in another country.

She would stick all her days off together and be with me 10 days a month.

I am not going in to why it didnt work out, but distance was not an issue.

From my perspective, the motive force is all important. If I decide to make
something happen then everything else is just details..

Sinergy

_____________________________

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"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to ThorsHammer)

RE: Long Distance Relationship - 8/7/2004 10:23:17 AM

Posts: 457
Joined: 2/6/2004
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Donn, I have been involved a total of three times with long distance relationships. Each one was with the understanding that it would become a live-in situation. They lasted 1 year, 3 years, and the last one (which lived the closest) 2 months. The reasons in each case was not enough contact, which led to loss of focus on the relationship. I was not there to direct, they became lost in their vanilla problems and wondered off. The first two were honest and told me they were no longer able to continue, the last one just disappeared.
I know all about living in a gold fish bowl of a small town. If you think you would stick out, think about being a FEMALE dominant in a small town, laughing.
You said you have limited ability to move, but want to be sure before making a move. There is no sure thing in this life. How I finally solved my problem was I looked around picked a large city fairly close to me and MOVED for me, not for a slave/sub. Now I have greater access to others in the lifestyle and have a comfortable home that I enjoy while I hunt for a full time slave. And by the way, I found that sub/slaves contact the ones in larger cities more frequently because they have access to mass transit and can actually see a possible person to person relationship. Good luck, Sundew

_____________________________

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(in reply to ThorsHammer)

RE: Long Distance Relationship - 8/7/2004 10:35:28 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThorsHammer
My questions ...... have any of you been involved in a long distance relationship? Was it successful? If so, how did you make it work? If it didn't work out, what caused it to fail?

There are currently two couples (all of whom are regular posters on this board) who are involved in rather public LDRs. I think if you have the right attitude about it, it can work. Get a cell phone with unlimited long distance and free nights and weekends. Figure out how to meet up in fun places. Miss each other a lot. But finding that connection is something that doesn't happen every day, and is worth figuring out, even over great distances.

Yours,
Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to ThorsHammer)

RE: Long Distance Relationship - 8/7/2004 10:37:43 AM

Posts: 492
Joined: 7/19/2004
From: Burlington, Ontario
Status: offline

I have been involved in 3 long distance relationships, the first was cyber only, he was married and had no intention of more than cyber. It ended when I discovered we had personality clashes. The 2nd & third resulted in the Doms coming up to Ontario to meet me, in both cases (seperate dates), we had a fabulous 3 days. The second began to unravel when I discovered he lied to me about not being attached, he kept lying and I kept finding more information, I dumped him as a liar. The third was dumped for the same reason, I had actually rented an apartment for the two of us & was preparing for him to move up here. He lied about his marital status & told me his wife had a heart condition so he couldn't leave, then the story was he had cancer & didn't want to burden me, yadda yadda. It is easy to be who & whatever you want to be on the computer and even on the phone, but real life is more than these HNGs can handle. HNG is not gender specific nor is lying about one's situation. There are as many female fantasy addicts as there are male. They get caught up in the fantasy of a perfect D/s life & play it out online & on the phone, but once it becomes real, they run.

So, I recommend caution & get as much information as possible about the person, check the information, make sure they are for real.

_____________________________

PHLOX: “It’s unethical for a doctor to cause harm...I can inflict as much pain as I like.”

(in reply to ThorsHammer)

RE: Long Distance Relationship - 8/7/2004 10:56:35 AM

jillwfsub4blkdom

Posts: 375
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline

Relationships of any type are alot of hard work. Long distance just makes it more so. i think anything is possible if both parties are really interested in making it work. i wish You the best in Your search.

jill

(in reply to LadyShoshin)

RE: Long Distance Relationship - 8/7/2004 11:18:53 AM

Posts: 544
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThorsHammer
First, I live in a small town in the mid-west right in the middle of the bible belt. I have read in various threads suggestions to attend munches as a means to meet people. A fairly exhastive search has failed to locate such organizations or groups that are within a four or five hour drive from where I live.

If your profile is accurate and you're in Iowa, check out these links:

http://soli.inav.net/~moondanz/ Iowa Stocks and Bonds
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Northwest_Iowa_BDSM/ Northwest Iowa BDSM discussion mailing list
[email protected] is the contact for the TriStates BDSM Club, located at the junction of Iowa, Illinois and Missouri
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/DADG/ DesMoins area bdsm discussion group
http://theroundtable.olimits.com/ The Round Table, a pansexual educational group serving Iowa, Missouri and Illinois
http://www.riverbound.net/front.htm Riverbend - a pansexual bdsm group in the quad cities of Iowa and Illinois (Davenport, Bettendorf, Rock Island and Moline)

I'm betting that folk in one of these resources can likely point you to reasonably local meetings, events, etc. The bible belt has some pretty kinky folks, imx.

quote:

My questions ...... have any of you been involved in a long distance relationship? Was it successful? If so, how did you make it work? If it didn't work out, what caused it to fail?

Any and all ideas and suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

IMX, the jump to sharing living space can be a rough one, even if you live in the same town. You just don't know HOW annoying it's going to be when your partner insists on leaving smears of toothpaste in the sink, or tossing the car keys on the coffee table every day, or any of a million other little things that you might overlook when you don't have to live with them. The greater the distance, the less likely it is that you'll be aware of these little things that might end up irking you like crazy.

When you only get to see someone for occasional periods of time, one week a month, or whatever it may be, people often tend to be in "honeymoon" phase for extended periods of time, and you also tend to be on your "best behaviour", because you're so looking forward to the time spent together that you don't want anything to mess it up.

Relationships, especially co-hatibating, can be difficult, and increased distance makes it even more so. Does that mean it can't work? Of course not. It's just another hurdle to overcome, and another thing that can potentially work against you.

I hope the links above at least help to put you in contact with local pervs. They're probably your best source of information/companionship/fun.

< Message edited by SherriA -- 8/7/2004 11:21:09 AM >

_____________________________

-- Sherri

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

(in reply to ThorsHammer)

RE: Long Distance Relationship - 8/7/2004 11:54:01 AM

Posts: 49
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Thank you all for your imput. Sherrii .....Thank you so much for the links. I will check each of them out. Even if I do not find a submissive lady there, the chance to get to know and learn more from others is exciting.

Donn
AKA ThorsHammer

(in reply to ThorsHammer)

RE: Long Distance Relationship - 8/7/2004 11:54:22 AM

Posts: 264
Joined: 1/23/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

Well there are those out there who are into the Daddy deal, and I know that there are subs out there who are looking for a suger daddy or varient there of. Then there are those who are looking for a dominant who shares their interests and what not that age means nothing to.

Taking your time to find a sub is advised cause she is out there, its just a matter of time before you find her.

luck to you

_____________________________

NightDaughter
My Blog - http://www.livejournal.com/users/nightdaughter/
"I never said that I could spell, but I do try my darndest to get my point across" - ND

(in reply to ThorsHammer)

RE: Long Distance Relationship - 8/7/2004 12:02:07 PM

Posts: 919
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

I met my slave online and we have been together for 4 years. I was in Germany, she was in the US. The key to everything was our consistency. We spoke almost daily, wether it was via email, IM, or on the phone. We also stayed firmly rooted in reality. I played with others both sexually and sadistically. She had the same freedoms to play with others. We didn't plan on being together...living together...or making it to where we are now, but here we are.

~Thorns

_____________________________

~"Do you know what the chain of command is? Its the chain I beat ya with when ya don't follow my command."

"My inner child is a mean little fucker"

(in reply to ThorsHammer)

RE: Long Distance Relationship - 8/7/2004 12:05:20 PM

Posts: 49
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Los Angeles
Status: offline

Sherri... the coffee table is where the car keys are supposed to go. Jeez, woman.

(Nice ta see ya!)

_____________________________

Schno
ErusVI
Los Angeles
Owner of dahanala
www.esenem.net
[image]http://www.esenem.net/Gallery/albums/2005_08_Savage/SM_1.thumb.jpg[/image]

(in reply to SherriA)

RE: Long Distance Relationship - 8/7/2004 12:17:48 PM

Posts: 494
Joined: 7/10/2004
Status: offline

Two notes. First off, Sherri beat me to the link posting but a two second search on google for Iowa Munch and I found 8-10 links that could help you. Just takes an actual effort to look for it, can't open the phone book and find submissive women though it would be quite an enjoyable thing if you could.

Second, LDRs of any type are rarely beneficial and mostly for the realm of the fantasy types and you'd be best off to try to find someone local. Hell hit the bars, just go out and try to enjoy yourself and people will fall into line. Birds of a feather tend to find each other. I would stand by my belief that there is no one that can genuinely be in a D/s relationship over the computer. I don't care about webcams and telephones and how mighty you might think you are but it is physically impossible for people to force themselves in the same way another would do to them were they physically there. They will always go lighter and softer, it's a reality. You can mentally dominate them but what fear or respect should they have for a keyboard and a computer screen filled with text? Others will disagree I am sure...but I just can't derive anywhere near the range of pleasure from having someone in my hands versus in their own.

If your goal is just to meet someone and immediately bring it into the tangible realm, the internet really is no better a place to find them then your own local scene quite honestly and is prone to all sorts of problems that you would not likely face in a real life scenario or at least not to the same degree. You'd be much better off to just do things the good old fashioned way.

(in reply to MrThorns)

RE: Long Distance Relationship - 8/7/2004 12:34:08 PM

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

M.Hammer-

I don't do LDRs. Never. Except for this one. Bailey is in SF, I am in NY. (if we tried hard, we might have managed to find a partner further away).

It's working- But that's becuase Bailey is wonderful. We manage to be pragmatic and romantic, to be supportive, and to keep the connection open across a 2480 mile distance. It's good. It's new. I don't know where it's going, but I am onboard for the ride, and she's right here with me.

Things are hard enough in any realationship. Distance is just another thing to work around.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to ThorsHammer)

RE: Long Distance Relationship - 8/7/2004 12:41:43 PM

Posts: 544
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Erusvi

Sherri... the coffee table is where the car keys are supposed to go. Jeez, woman.

(Nice ta see ya!)

OY! What do you think the key rack in the closet is for then? (Hint: it's NOT to hang toys from!)

Good to see you back too :)

_____________________________

-- Sherri

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

(in reply to Erusvi)

RE: Long Distance Relationship - 8/7/2004 1:39:07 PM

Posts: 29
Joined: 8/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Second, my age .... I'm 61. The age of my submissive lady is not an issue for me. However, I can undertand where it would be for a submissive. I can and do respect their feelings and preferences.

Warm Greetings,

Not all women that are submissives are only in their twenties and thirties. Some of us are even in our *cough* *cough* forties and fifites. Guess it all depends what you are seeking. I have gone out with much younger men in the past, but think most women are much more comfortable with men older then they are.

wishing you well,

deanna

(in reply to ThorsHammer)

RE: Long Distance Relationship - 8/7/2004 1:54:21 PM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SherriA
OY! What do you think the key rack in the closet is for then?

To torture keys until they confess...obviously.

Yours,
Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to SherriA)

RE: Long Distance Relationship - 8/7/2004 2:01:23 PM

Posts: 264
Joined: 6/6/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThorsHammer

have any of you been involved in a long distance relationship? Was it successful? If so, how did you make it work? If it didn't work out, what caused it to fail?

I've been involved in two LDRs: Lawrence (currently ongoing) and the man I dated before I met Lawrence, I'll call "the pilot". I met him on bondage.com. He lived in Jacksonville, Florida and flew 767s for a freight company ("I fly boxes, not people"). He'd be here mostly every other weekend from Saturday at 6am through Monday at 5pm as San Jose was a regular route for him. Probably still is as he kept a BMW motorcycle in a storage unit in San Jose for use when he was in the area.

We went through some ups and downs over a year. I wanted to come visit him at his home and there was always a reason he didn't want me to come, but it always seemed logical. When I finally said, "either you invite me to visit your home or we are done" he confessed that he had a wife and 2 year old daughter. I was floored.

When I thought back, the signs were there. I just had no experience with liars of this caliber. I'd dated married men before (when their wives knew). However, when I met him I was looking for someone I could build a future with and he chose to lie to me. His loss. I no longer speak to him. He's the only ex-BDSM-partner that I am not currently friends with.

When I met Lawrence, I offered to come to NY because I wanted to see where he lived and know more about his life than I did with the pilot. He welcomed me with open arms into his home (and his bed ;-)

--bailey
still learning, still growing (yippee!)

_____________________________

Dance like no one's watching and
Love like you've never been hurt.

(in reply to ThorsHammer)

RE: Long Distance Relationship - 8/7/2004 2:15:17 PM

Posts: 264
Joined: 6/6/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrThorns

I met my slave online and we have been together for 4 years. I was in Germany, she was in the US. The key to everything was our consistency. We spoke almost daily, wether it was via email, IM, or on the phone. We also stayed firmly rooted in reality. I played with others both sexually and sadistically. She had the same freedoms to play with others. We didn't plan on being together...living together...or making it to where we are now, but here we are.

MrThorns,

This is exactly what Lawrence & I are doing. Going on with our lives, talking daily, sharing what we experience (even if it is with others), and seeing each other when we can (about once a month for a weekend).

Both of us are grounded enough to know this may never be more than a summer fling (that we both benefited from!) but it is fun for now.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SherriA

When you only get to see someone for occasional periods of time, one week a month, or whatever it may be, people often tend to be in "honeymoon" phase for extended periods of time, and you also tend to be on your "best behaviour", because you're so looking forward to the time spent together that you don't want anything to mess it up.

Relationships, especially co-hatibating, can be difficult, and increased distance makes it even more so. Does that mean it can't work? Of course not. It's just another hurdle to overcome, and another thing that can potentially work against you.

We have had this discussion as well. We both know that when we onlyhave a weekend, we don't let daily life intrude & a relationship has to balance reality with fantasy.

We may never live in the same city. We are ok with that. We might. It's ok. For now it's fun and I think not having the pressure to make any longterm decisions works for us.

--bailey

< Message edited by baileythorne -- 8/7/2004 2:16:32 PM >

_____________________________

Dance like no one's watching and
Love like you've never been hurt.

(in reply to SherriA)

RE: Long Distance Relationship - 8/7/2004 2:18:48 PM

Posts: 264
Joined: 6/6/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat

It's working- But that's because Bailey is wonderful. We manage to be pragmatic and romantic, to be supportive, and to keep the connection open across a 2480 mile distance. It's good. It's new. I don't know where it's going, but I am onboard for the ride, and she's right here with me.

And he sends me flowers. :-)
Lawrence is a sadist & a romantic.

--bailey

(thanks sweetie)

_____________________________

Dance like no one's watching and
Love like you've never been hurt.

(in reply to topcat)

RE: Long Distance Relationship - 8/7/2004 4:27:33 PM

Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

OY! What do you think the key rack in the closet is for then? (Hint: it's NOT to hang toys from!)

Sherri, that is to hang the keys from AFTER you have thrown them on the coffee table and gotten in trouble for it.

(in reply to SherriA)

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