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3 Red FLags - 12/12/2008 6:47:06 AM

SunshineSunny

Posts: 20
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline

As I think most .. of you know I am new to this .. and still learning as I go :) .. I wonder .. what are you 3 most Red Flags to say GOOD BYE To a Dom ... I would love to see what everyone is careful with .. to know that he is Fake

Sunny

< Message edited by SunshineSunny -- 12/12/2008 7:15:59 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/12/2008 6:56:04 AM

VampiresLair

Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline

No red flags are a definite sign someone is bad, but they are good indicators that something might be amiss. There are some that work for both dom and sub, and some that are role specific.
For me, these were always mine (non-role specific)
1: Refuses to chat, call or email during certain hours of the day not related to work. Usually this means they are hiding contact with you from someone else, normally a significant other who they are not telling about you nor you about them. Cheating.

2: Makes unrealistic demands for a first meeting, or refuses to meet in a public place if requested. Thats not a good sign, if someone expects you to be kneeling in a restaurant for them on a first meeting, or something similarly inappropriate. Also, if they will not meet publically then you should question their motives for being against being around other people.

3: Someone who tells you what they expect but is disinterested in hearing what you expect. It should be a 2 way street for the early part at the very least. Someoen who is self centered from the beginning might be plugging you into a fantasy instead of actually interested in meeting you as a person.

DV

_____________________________

Separately we are DiurnalVampire and DVsFox

10/18 Wedding date. 1 year and still blissfully happy

10/13/10 3 year anniversary of his becoming my Fox

Talk impolitely to me, baby - Thanks sunshinemiss

(in reply to SunshineSunny)

Post #: 2

RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/12/2008 7:16:21 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Someone who doesn't respect how you feel or think and might try to direct how you think right off the bat by telling you are wrong about things or doesn't listen to you, expecting you to be directed without any foundation for such.

Someone who when chatting with you, that has to quickly get off the computer or someone in person who can only meet during certain times and non public places.

Someone who shows any sign of anger or personality faults that anyone could have or that make you feel pressured or uncomfortable or who avoids topics or your questions.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to VampiresLair)

Post #: 3

RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/12/2008 7:19:10 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

DV has nailed some good ones. There's more than three.

One is someone that doesn't want you talking to anyone else in the community or telling anyone else in the community that you're with him. Two examples:

One local guy won't date anyone active in the community because sooner or later it will get repeated to whomever he is seeing that he's put three submissives in the hospital and is known to deliberately violate limits and ignore safewords.

Another is a guy who tells everyone he meets that he hates the local community and won't date anyone even remotely involved. Reality is he's got a crappy reputation for deliberately causing drama and disension. He's not welcome in the local community.

Part two is: someone that pushes you to do something that you're uncomfortable with and won't take "No" for an answer. Even worse if he uses the "You're not a real submissive" comment to try and manipulate you.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to VampiresLair)

Post #: 4

RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/12/2008 7:37:37 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

what are you 3 most Red Flags to say GOOD BYE To a Dom

the following list would be red flags for this slave only, and in no way is a suggestion that they should be red flags for anyone else.

1. expressing the desire to be dominated/controlled by this slave, in any way. this includes things such as setting limits on sexual activities that they would have to abide by as conditional to the relationship.

2. cruelty to animals.

3. makes a living illegally from home, putting everyone in the household at risk of arrest/incarceration.

(in reply to SunshineSunny)

Post #: 5

RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/12/2008 7:49:03 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

Someone who attempts to control you before laying the foundation for a relationship.
Someone who disrespects you.
Someone who hides the fact of your relationship from others.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 6

RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/12/2008 7:50:32 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

1. whining about ex's is a big red flag. If a guy has 6 sh*tty ex's and he calls them all names or says they were b*ches I tend to call him on it and tell him that not only did he chose 'em but likely he was not an innocent bystander in the relationship failure (likely she was a b*tch for a reason).

2. quick-draw dominators. The type that asks you to do lil 'activities' to prove loyalty or submissiveness within the first few conversations. lol, gimme a break.

3. Kink adjustors. Men who claim to be dominant, yet want to find out what a sub prefers having done to her. To me, men like this would be serving me in this case. I don't want to be 'pleased' all the time tyvm.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 7

RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/12/2008 8:01:02 AM

greeneyedreamer

Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline

1. Hits you in anger in anyway, shape or form
2. Is not in control of himself, ie. does drugs or drinks excessively or blames others for everything wrong in his life
3. Doesn't appreciate the person you are, wants to change you excessively for HIS good only, without regard for your good.

Those are my 3, but I don't think many could disagree with them.

Dreamer

_____________________________

Dreamer, owned and ecstatically happy

I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 8

RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/12/2008 8:09:29 AM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline

1. This one won't be popular here, I know many here don't think much of safe calls, but - refuses to provide adaquate safe call info. Cause, this is where safe calls do their work to keep me safe. If he doesn't want me to have his real name, and a good contact number, ect, ect - I never go meet him. that's how safe calls keep me from being chopped up in itty bitty pieces.

2. expresses jealousy long before there could be any expectation of 'faithfullness' or commitment on either part. or has unresonable demands that have little consideration for my life, just expect that 'a slave does what they are told.' 'Meet me friday at six.' - I am responsible to watch my aged grandmother on fridays so my sister can get out of the house for a while. well, blow her off. Uhm, NO. (that was an actual conversation - actually SEVERAL actual conversations, while I was looking. Master, on the other hand, before He owned me, said things like 'are you free on saturday?')

3. expects psudoplay to be welcomed in the earliest stages of the getting to know one another. Calling me names, for instance - or wanting to cause me 'little pain' on our first meeting, and in a public resterraunt. (and, from one of the guys that tried that, but whom I for some reason went out with anyway - My bio sis would like to add, 'when answering the phone to your family, says things like, we have chopped her up in itty bitty pieces and are just getting ready to BBQ her. She did tell you she was going to a BBQ with me, right?)

Oh, and one more -
Has no vanilla interests he wishes to discuss, and is annoyed by vanilla conversation. Doesn't want to talk about art, television, books, hobbies, upcoming holidays, work, family, kids, life stresses, ect - because, you are going to be an occasional outlet, someone that he beats to get his stresses out - and NOTHING MORE. it that is what you are looking for as well, that's fine. otherwise, walk away when you can't have a conversation.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to greeneyedreamer)

Post #: 9

RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/12/2008 8:10:30 AM

lally3

Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline

ignore

< Message edited by lally3 -- 12/12/2008 8:19:04 AM >

_____________________________

even doves have pride (Prince)

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 10

RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/12/2008 8:17:15 AM

lally3

Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline

ah yes, the 'youre not a true submissive' is one of my personal favourites

ive just deleted a whole load of diatribe, because to be honest, this is quite a tricky one to answer. one persons red flag might not be yours. it also largely depends on what youre looking for.

my premis these days is that if a guy saunters up to me, starts to chat randomly about life and himself and show some interest in me as me, then ill happily respond.

if i get someone march up to me, demand i respond, be on line at a certain time, address me as 'sub' rather than use my name, tell me he knows everything there is to know and that im lucky to be considered by him i assume he hasnt got a clue, hasnt bothered to pick up any wisdom from anyone anywhere and is therefore going to be a liability i should avoid at all costs and i do.

mostly, listen to your gut instincts, work out, absolutely, what it is you want and stick to it, within reason, allowing for the fact that each person with each relationship is always going to be a variable recipe with variable outcomes. but if you have a fairly stable idea of your goals, it projects out to those reading up on you. if you sound like someone who knows what they want then youre more likely to attract the people you are looking for. its when you sound a little vague and unsure of yourself that youll get the predators circling round you.

do not be afraid to project YOU, the woman who is more than capable of taking care of herself and dealing with each day like every other balanced human being. in the end it is you they should be interested in - its you they will be entering into a D/s relationship with, so it is YOU they will be Dominant over - they should enjoy youre personality and encourage you to be you so that they can develop some idea of who and what theyre getting into. never be tempted to dumb yourself down or dilute yourself for someone, if they cant enjoy your personality on line theyre sure as hell not going to enjoy you in real life.

< Message edited by lally3 -- 12/12/2008 8:18:18 AM >

_____________________________

even doves have pride (Prince)

(in reply to lally3)

Post #: 11

RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/12/2008 8:19:20 AM

natasha66

Posts: 321
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: NJ
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: greeneyedreamer

1. Hits you in anger in anyway, shape or form
2. Is not in control of himself, ie. does drugs or drinks excessively or blames others for everything wrong in his life
3. Doesn't appreciate the person you are, wants to change you excessively for HIS good only, without regard for your good.

Those are my 3, but I don't think many could disagree with them.

Dreamer

I for one wouldn't disagree with any of these.

_____________________________

"If you bother me again I shall visit you in the small hours of the night and put a bat up your nightdress".
~Basil Fawlty

Collared June 4th, 2008
Love is giving him the power to destroy you, but trusting him not to.

(in reply to greeneyedreamer)

Post #: 12

RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/12/2008 8:43:14 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

1. someone who hands you their list of rules and expectations before meeting in person.

2. someone who requests that you cut contact from family and friends.

3. someone who isn't interesed in your needs/desires.

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...

...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to SunshineSunny)

Post #: 13

RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/12/2008 8:47:20 AM

lauren0221

Posts: 681
Joined: 8/29/2006
Status: offline

I think there are some excellent responses here, and wanted to respond to this:

quote:

.. to know that he is Fake

Just because someone is not right for us does not make them a fake. It makes them not right for us, and they could very well be someone else's ideal Dominant.

(in reply to SunshineSunny)

Post #: 14

RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/12/2008 9:03:49 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

I don't rely on red flags. I rely on my own instinct.

No two people will have the same 'gut feeling' aboutf a single person. All you can do is rely on what yours is telling you and act accordingly.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to SunshineSunny)

Post #: 15

RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/12/2008 9:28:48 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

I don't know if this makes them "fake" or not, but turn-off's for ME are:

-Being sent an obvious "form letter"....one that is very generic and has no "personal touch" whatsoever that lets me know that he's read my profile and relates to something in it. Especially an email that says something like "Read my profile and respond to me." Uh...no.

-Email, profiles, journals that are full of nothing but poetic, melodramatic, overly flowerly and romantic musings and writings that are so cliche and saccharine that I have to take a dose of insulin after reading.... To me this says they can talk a real pretty talk, but will probably fall flat when trying to walk the walk. This type many times lives their life in online fantasy but can't function in the real world.

-Presenting themselves as the Incredible, Omnipotent, SirUber-Master-LordDominator, creating an image of stalking the earth in black boots, leather pants and a long black cape, owner of slaves, trampler of submissives, blah blah blah. You usually find that they're Poindexter Milquetoast, mild-mannered managerial assistant. Not that there's anything at all wrong with a mild-mannered managerial assistant, not at all....just be honest about it.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 16

RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/12/2008 9:39:48 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

Don't rely on other peoples red flags because they are personal to each individual. So I would ignore any advice on 'red flags that anyone gives you.
Instead, feel it in your own gut. Otherwise it isn't a red flag.
Don't see people simply as 'dominant' but as a person.

And get the whole 'fake' myth out of your head.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to SunshineSunny)

Post #: 17

RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/12/2008 11:04:37 AM

Aszhrae

Posts: 1030
Joined: 3/31/2008
Status: offline

Agreeing with Dark and also with IrishMist.
Trust your instincts or even going with your intuition that's why you have them. If the dominant rubs the fur the wrong way or gives an unsettled feeling in the pit of the stomach, chances are the dominant is not right.
When in doubt consult with others, ask question, girl means the questions that can not be sugar-coated or answered with an explanation. Just questions that have one answer.
Girl will really, really make this suggestion. CM is a large community, there are others here that have a large amount of experience. So when in doubt 'Ask'.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 18

RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/12/2008 11:21:09 AM

SunshineSunny

Posts: 20
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

I would love to see what everyone is careful with .. to

I only want to see everyone's opinion .. and the reason i use the word FAKE is becuase almost every DOM has that in their PROFILE LOL no fakes and or at least some have told me .. that have meet only fake people .. In which i agree with someone here that posted ... it does not make them fake maybe we are just seeking diffrent needs .. and we are not compitable with them .
EVERYONE IS DIFFRENT .. and we all have our .. ways of thinking but its good to know at least for me its good to know what other people are careful with :)
Sunny

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 19

RE: 3 Red FLags - 12/12/2008 11:23:28 AM

SunshineSunny

Posts: 20
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

Just because someone is not right for us does not make them a fake. It makes them not right for us, and they could very well be someone else's ideal Dominant.

You are so right about that ... I am going to change my words :) thank you ...

(in reply to lauren0221)

Post #: 20

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