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when is the right time to tell someone here about somet... - 12/16/2008 6:41:02 PM   
needstheOne


Posts: 44
Joined: 10/5/2006
Status: offline 		I have a situation where I must, by my standards because I am an honest person, tell anyone I meet about myself.

But I feel it is important for people to get to know who I am now and not just hear it and be gone and just me by the A hole I was in '94

So the question is this how many emails after the first one should it be, around of course, till you drop the bomb.

<Sorry for not completing the thought.>


< Message edited by needstheOne -- 12/16/2008 7:09:05 PM >
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RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about s... - 12/16/2008 6:47:15 PM   
squirrelfury


Posts: 44
Joined: 8/20/2004
From: Houston, Texas
Status: offline 		I'm confused by what you're asking.  Do you mean tell people in general about yourself, or are you saying there is some specific truth that absolutely must be gotten out into the open at first and up front, so as not to mislead? 

_____________________________

~Squirrel~
I wept for I had no shoes, then I met the bastard who took them. Who's crying *now*, fetish-boy?

From a word to a word I was led to a word, from a deed to another deed.

(in reply to needstheOne)
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RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about s... - 12/16/2008 6:49:09 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		It depends on what "it" is and how likely it is to affect any future relationship.  Example: If you are a parent, that's something you should probably mention in your profile.  However, if you're diabetic, that can wait until you're comfortable enough to start talking about pre-play negotiation. 
 
Depending on the nature of "it" you'll have to decide when to bring it up on a case by case basis.  Only you can decide how long it will take for someone to "get to know you" well enough for you to be comfortable bringing it up.

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Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to needstheOne)
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RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about s... - 12/16/2008 6:49:11 PM   
loveandlight87


Posts: 110
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline 		My question would be 'what's the bomb?'  If it is about your past (I have those kinds of bombs) then those things can come up in a more natural way with general conversation.  Especially when you leave big openings for the other person to ask questions.  If it is something that is affecting you currently, and would most likely affect a potential partner, then sooner rather than later.  Just my thoughts.

love

(in reply to needstheOne)
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RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about s... - 12/16/2008 6:55:36 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		The last time someone asked a question like that of me in real, the "bomb" was venereal disease.  If you do a search for "herpes" and "STDs" you'll find it discussed some in these forums.  If that's your personal bomb, I'd say you have an obligation to bring it up before meeting in person, but exactly when in the process is up to you.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to loveandlight87)
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RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about s... - 12/16/2008 7:10:54 PM   
StrongSpirit


Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline 		Time for the following bombs:
  • I am a not the gender I claim/imply in my picture/profile:  before the third email.
  • I have a transmittable disease:  before you meet in real life
  • I am (or might be) your sister/brother/father/mother:  Before you kiss
  • I am a criminal:  Before you kiss.
  • I am kinky/like to/want to do ???:  Before you try to do whatever you like - or before you become 'exclusive'.
  • I have a non-communicable disease:  before your second time.
  • I have children: before your second time
  • I screwed your sister/brother/father/mother/best friend/...:  Before you have sex again.

(in reply to RedMagic1)
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RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about s... - 12/16/2008 7:13:59 PM   
needstheOne


Posts: 44
Joined: 10/5/2006
Status: offline 		I am sorry for not completing my question before in the main question.

This is NOT a STD!  But is something that is vital for the person to know so they don't waste there time by not knowing. 

And for loveandlight I almost dropped it right here but thought better of it. 

I searched the subjects 5 pages deep and nothing.  There was one that was close to my subject matter  but didn't answer my question

(in reply to RedMagic1)
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RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about s... - 12/16/2008 7:28:53 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		Considering the fact that your profile states you are only seeking an online relationship and taking into account the other important issues you've already mentioned in your profile, I don't know that you need to spend a great deal of time worrying about when to drop this particular "bomb" since it seems unlikely it will have any effect on a cyber relationship.  Perhaps this is one of those mountain-from-molehill issues.  In other words, it seems bigger to you than it might to someone else.  However, without knowing what it is, no one is going to be able to give you more than the most general advice.  You certainly don't need to reveal it here, but consider that we're not going to be able to give you a definitive answer based on what little you've said.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

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RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about s... - 12/16/2008 7:35:04 PM   
DrkJourney


Posts: 1917
Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline 		Not really fair to ask such a vague question.  I mean it just depends, what the heck are you talking about?   As others have said, it depends on what it is as to how long you should take to reveal...it.

not trying to get into your business but since you are trying to get help, kind of need a bit more than this to go on.

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...Look into my eyes and I'll own you....



(in reply to needstheOne)
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RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about s... - 12/16/2008 7:41:58 PM   
needstheOne


Posts: 44
Joined: 10/5/2006
Status: offline 		I thank you SylvereApleanan for your comment.  I will Spell atm and two of my RL friends turned OL only relationships into RL  relationships.   So what starts might when I get get better able to relocate on a whim could turn out to RL.

This is serious enough that when I dropped it too LATE it literly destroyed a awsome RL friendship just as sure as dropping a 2000lb bomb on it..

That is the new profile.

Maybe the edits weren't as good as We thought.

Thank you for viewing my profile:)

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)
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RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about s... - 12/16/2008 7:42:34 PM   
talktomeplease


Posts: 21
Joined: 8/1/2008
Status: offline
quote:

If that's your personal bomb, I'd say you have an obligation to bring it up before meeting in person


Why? And would you say that someone is also obligated to tell a prospective partner about oral Herpes before meeting?

Are you aware that one quarter of American women has genital herpes, and that something like 80% of all Americans have oral herpes?

I've very rarely had anyone tell me they have oral Herpes.  It's not considered a big enough deal by most people that you are *required* to tell a prospective partner.  Yet many people are insistent that one is obligated to tell a prospective partner about genital Herpes almost immediately.  Why the difference? Many doctors currently believe that Herpes I (the type that commonly causes oral Herpes lesions) is actually more medically significant than type II (which is the type that commonly causes genital lesions).

My belief is that the difference in perspective has nothing to do with medical reality or fairness, but simply the fact that "genital" anything in our culture is considered taboo.  People don't apply critical reasoning, nor do they often bother educating themselves.

(in reply to RedMagic1)
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RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about s... - 12/16/2008 7:44:28 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		whichever kind of herpes, I think a prospective partner should be made aware of it sooner than later.

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polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to talktomeplease)
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RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about s... - 12/16/2008 7:45:23 PM   
talktomeplease


Posts: 21
Joined: 8/1/2008
Status: offline 		CDC fact sheet on Herpes: http://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/STDFact-herpes.htm

(in reply to talktomeplease)
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RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about s... - 12/16/2008 7:47:28 PM   
snappykappy


Posts: 616
Joined: 3/5/2005
Status: offline 		my information is in my journal and profile and like a lot of people some do and do not read it

so i just ask have they read my bio and journal

(in reply to talktomeplease)
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RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about s... - 12/16/2008 7:47:50 PM   
talktomeplease


Posts: 21
Joined: 8/1/2008
Status: offline 		Ok, why?  Why does anyone have an obligation to tell someone about any type of Herpes before meeting?  A meeting does not imply you are going to have sex with the person, nor even kiss.

(in reply to GreedyTop)
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RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about s... - 12/16/2008 7:54:50 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		Fast reply:

Goes on repeat...depends on what the bomb is

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(in reply to talktomeplease)
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RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about s... - 12/16/2008 7:55:45 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: needstheOne

two of my RL friends turned OL only relationships into RL  relationships.   So what starts might when I get get better able to relocate on a whim could turn out to RL.


Here is your answer.  When the online looks like it might turn into real time, that's when to reveal your issue.  How you do this is simply to say something to the effect of "I have something to tell you that might affect a RL relationship with you.  I didn't tell you before because it didn't affect our online time.  However, before we move our relationship into real life, I feel I need to be honest and let you know that I...[fill in the blank]."
 
If she's right for you, she'll deal with it.  If she won't or can't cope, you'll know before you move or before she does.  The "friend" who couldn't deal with your issue doesn't sound like a very good friend to me.  That's just my .

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to needstheOne)
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RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about s... - 12/16/2008 7:57:09 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		but what if the meeting DOES progress to any physical intimacy?  I'd rather know about these things beforehand so that I can make an informed decision on how far or not to take things.  I'd sure hate to be all revved up only to be told in the heat of a moment.. "Oh, by the way..."  I'd have a lot more respect for the person for being honest in advance, than waiting until things progress either physically or emotionally.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to talktomeplease)
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RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about s... - 12/16/2008 7:58:50 PM   
needstheOne


Posts: 44
Joined: 10/5/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you the question has been answered .  I again thank A/all that have helped me with this topic. 

SS answered the question for me.  I will tell before first kiss.  LONG before. 

And the reason I won't be more telling here is That I get like ten views a day  I like that #  it is up from zero  I would like to keep it that way:D

(in reply to talktomeplease)
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RE: when is the right time to tell someone here about s... - 12/16/2008 8:02:49 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: talktomeplease

Ok, why?  Why does anyone have an obligation to tell someone about any type of Herpes before meeting?  A meeting does not imply you are going to have sex with the person, nor even kiss.


I usually play on the first meet.  I haven't always had sex on the first meet.  But kissing on the lips, hell yes.  Be straight up with me or lose a friend forever.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to talktomeplease)
Profile   Post #: 20
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