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Relationship Health - 12/19/2008 5:08:12 PM   
LittleMissModern


Posts: 72
Joined: 12/7/2008
Status: offline 		So, I recognize that it's not the healthiest thing, but in my relationship with my boyfriend, I'm being kept a secret from his ex-wife and his family.  It's a relationship I'm looking at getting away from, but there are circumstances that don't allow that right now.  I know it wasn't the best thing to get into to begin with, but I did it, for whatever reason and now I'm where I'm at. 

Here's the thing.  He treats his ex-wife really well, because she has his kids, and he wants to be able to see them.  She treats him like shit.  Unless he can do something for her, she doesn't want anything to do with him. 

BECAUSE I'm a secret, I often get the short end of the stick.  He can't take my calls when he's with her, but he has to take her calls, calls for his business, and calls for his family, when he's with me.  I know that they're divorced 100% because I had a job for a while, working in the legal system locally, and it's been recorded that they are infact divorced. 

Let me preface this by saying that most all women I've ever known are capable of being manipulative bitches.  I am no exception to that rule.  I completely recognize that I'm a HORRIBLE ex-girlfriend, but in that, I also recognize that I'm a very good girlfriend.  Anyway, here's the issue. 

He doesn't seem to see that if I decided to, I could go to her with the fact that he and I have been seeing eachother all this time, and REALLY screw things up for him.  It would mean the end of our relationship, and friendship, but I have the power to start the chain reaction that he's so scared of.  So, if he recognizes that, why is he treating me the way he does sometimes? Why do I get less than she does, when I've been nothing but wonderful to him this whole time and she treats him like shit? 

Here's an example.  He took care of something for her that cost $1000, but a very similar thing that I need taken care of costs $100 and he won't do it.

There are lots of examples, financial and otherwise, where there's a tremendous gap... I can understand doing things for the kids, and keeping a roof over their head and such, but much aside from that, and whatever the very base limit is that it takes to keep the peace, I feel that should be it.  She doesn't deserve anything more. 

Maybe he trusts me not to do that to him, and/or believes that my ties to him are stronger than any negative pressure that could be placed on us. 

I don't want to be like his ex-wife, so I doubt I'd ever say anything.  I can't imagine being THAT pissed off... but as far as him knowing the possibility of that MIGHT be there, I'd think he only has two options:

1. Never have started this relationship to begin with, so that the ties don't exist...
2. Treat me well, and keep me happy (well, as happy as I can be in this situation)

This is honestly the first time this thought has crossed my mind in over a year (yes, I've been doing this for over a year).  I'm not sure what brought it up, and I'm sure it makes me look like a bad person, but I think it's a legitimate question. 
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Relationship Health - 12/19/2008 8:27:19 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Does he have kids with the ex?  If so, he doesn't want to do anything to harm the relationship he has with her.  She can ruin him and he may never be able to see the kids again.

If you really don't like the situation get out like an adult.  Don't cry or try to ruin him just because you don't feel you are being treated right.  Be an adult.  Walk away, hold your head high and find someone who really wants to be with you.



(in reply to LittleMissModern)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Relationship Health - 12/19/2008 8:41:53 PM   
pixidustpet


Posts: 857
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline 		if he KNOWS she's a vindictive person, he isnt going to do anything that rocks the boat and will cause her to decide to keep the children from him.  she can make his life a living hell if she wishes, play with his reputation, drag him through the courts, and whatever else JUST because he loves his children and wishes to spend time with them.

yeah, it sucks.  but this is his choice, to let her act this way towards him.  it probably isnt just because of the divorce, he's probably caved to her wishes the entire time they have known one another.  (this is a guess, because i dont know any of y'all.)  but its HIS choice to keep the relationship with her the way it is....and face it, as long as they have children together there IS going to be a relationship between them.  even if its them snarling at one another.

its up to you if you want to continue to be the secret.  you dont *have* to be.  its as much your choice as it is his, you know.  you dont have to continue to be miserable in a relationship that isnt ideal for you if you dont want it.

good luck in whatever you decide.

kitten


(in reply to sub4hire)
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RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 6:52:56 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleMissModern
He treats his ex-wife really well, because she has his kids, and he wants to be able to see them. 


Kids trump everything.

You need to decide if what he has left over for you is enough...it sounds like it isn't.



(in reply to LittleMissModern)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 7:19:48 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		You can look for patterns.  Is he becoming closer or more distant over time? 

Some people are very uncomfortable giving money to those that they are in a relationship with.  It can change the balance of power or they may become critical of your spending patterns if they feel that the repayment is coming to slowly.  Money can really complicate a relationship and he may have been trying to avoid that.  If his ex needed the money for something that was ultimately for the benefit of the children then he may have really been looking out for their needs and not for hers.

I'll email you more on the other side, but ultimately you need to decide for yourself whether the relationship is worth it.


_____________________________



(in reply to angelikaJ)
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RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 7:30:54 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleMissModern

Here's an example.  He took care of something for her that cost $1000, but a very similar thing that I need taken care of costs $100 and he won't do it.

There are lots of examples, financial and otherwise, where there's a tremendous gap... I can understand doing things for the kids, and keeping a roof over their head and such, but much aside from that, and whatever the very base limit is that it takes to keep the peace, I feel that should be it.  She doesn't deserve anything more. 



Likely, the way he sees it, by taking care of her needs he is taking care of the needs of his kids.
It may not seem fair and equitable to you but he wants them to have a stress free existence as possible.
It isn't a matter of what she deserves, but what they need.

(in reply to LittleMissModern)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 7:35:52 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		Wow.  Blackmail as the basis of a relationship ("be nice to me or I'll tell your ex")... and you've been entertaining those thoughts for a year.  You're right, he never should have gotten involved with you.  So buck up, shut up, put a smile on your face... or get the fuck out. 


Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 7:44:15 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Dear OP, you need to seriously grow up.  He is taking care of his ex-wive's needs because there are kids involved.  You will always have to deal with her.  Unless you are the cause for the divorce (had been seeing him during his marriage), I don't understand the entire blackmail scenario you are considering.  Maybe you should be with someone who doesn't treat you as a secret.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 8:47:46 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		When you date ANYONE with a past history of an ex spouse and children, do expect these sort of problems and learn to give to as much or little to the relationship as possible.  If not, choose a guy who has never married or had kids.

First of all..."you don't want to be like his ex wife'?? you never met her, you are hearing his side and frankly have no business knowing much about her at all.

You say he has two options? lol  I can't copy/paste but frankly you are in this too. He shouldn't have taken you on in the first place? think about that, same can go for you.

If someone chooses not to introduce you to his ex wife and kids (that she has full custody of) then that is up to them, not you.  You may stop the relationship at any time if it bothers you that much.

How a man treats and yes even talks about an ex (even if kids involved) says a lot about his character.

Think about that when you are an ex.

*edit to add: I notice you said that you think most women are manipulative bitches and that you are one too. Since that is the case, no doubt he knows that about you and then why would he introduce you to his ex wife and kids?  Any sane man would keep you a secret from even the postman. 

< Message edited by came4U -- 12/20/2008 9:03:18 AM >

(in reply to KatyLied)
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RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 9:57:13 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleMissModern

He doesn't seem to see that if I decided to, I could go to her with the fact that he and I have been seeing eachother all this time, and REALLY screw things up for him.  It would mean the end of our relationship, and friendship, but I have the power to start the chain reaction that he's so scared of. 


Wow.  You are a dangerous person to be involved with.  Do you always use your ex-partner's private and intimately shared information against him when the relationship is over?

I'm with Cali on this one.  And I'll add that if you don't want to be a secret, don't get into relationships that require you to be one.

If you don't like the relationship, get out.  You didn't say whether you have talked to him about your concerns but at this point if your above thoughts are popping into your realm of consideration, there's no real relationship to work with anyway.


_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to LittleMissModern)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 10:10:00 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		First off all, all women are not manipulative bitches. That is a projection of your character onto others. Secondly, if he is not in a position to make you a priority in his life than get out and find someone who will. But the idea of messing up someones life for spite is just awful and soulless and brings on bad karma.

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Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
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(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 10:21:04 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		To echo what all the others have said...he has children, and they are his priority.  Full stop.  If he has to sweet-talk the ex so that he can have a relationship with the kids, then it sounds to me like he's a wonderful man to put up with her crap so this can happen. 

But also bear in mind - he has a history with this woman.  At one point he loved her enough to marry her.  He loved her enough to have kids with her.  Emotions and relationships are complex things - just because you loathe her doesn't mean he has to.  She may well have been a manipulative bitch, but remember you only have HIS side of the story.  Talk to her, and maybe he's not so perfect either. 

What matters is the children - not you, not her, not him.  Screw around with his relationship with is ex-wife and you risk destroying the children's relationship with their father.  Even though you may never go through with it, the fact that you're even considering using what you know to blackmail him is pretty despicable.

I'd suggest you walk away from this relationship.  It's not good for you, and it's certainly not good for the innocents you're dragging into it.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk


(in reply to lusciouslips19)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 11:08:23 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		Maybe you (OP) and that other gal from the 'cutting off the nose' thread should hang out together.

(in reply to myotherself)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 12:05:16 PM   
natasha66


Posts: 321
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: NJ
Status: offline 		Somebody needs to grow up, and it's not your boyfriend.  Threatening to tell his ex-wife because you are not getting what you want is just plain manipulative, not to mention downright stupid.  Either suck it up and deal with the situation as it is, or get out of it. 

< Message edited by natasha66 -- 12/20/2008 12:09:04 PM >

_____________________________

"If you bother me again I shall visit you in the small hours of the night and put a bat up your nightdress".
~Basil Fawlty

Collared June 4th, 2008
Love is giving him the power to destroy you, but trusting him not to.



(in reply to myotherself)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 12:20:44 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

He can't take my calls when he's with her, but he has to take her calls, calls for his business, and calls for his family, when he's with me.

Nobody "has" to take calls at any time.  They "choose" to take calls.  He chooses to take his ex wife's calls even when he's with you.  He chooses to ignore you when he's with his ex wife.

quote:

Here's an example. He took care of something for her that cost $1000, but a very similar thing that I need taken care of costs $100 and he won't do it.

That right there says all you need to know about how valuable you are to him--not very (if at all).

You already know where you stand with him.  The only question remaining is what are you going to do with that knowledge?


_____________________________



(in reply to LittleMissModern)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 12:31:08 PM   
MissSepphora1


Posts: 669
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline 		Everyone is defending the man in this situation.
I'm not going to defend the girlfriend, but I have to say, I don't think this man will get very far with any relationship while he's still stuck on his ex.
And well, as long as he has his cake and eats it too, he's going to do it.
Like ALL men.

(in reply to celticlord2112)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 12:37:48 PM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		As someone whose 3 closest friends are men, I have to disagree.  My 3 dear friends are honourable, and all are looking for a devoted monogamous loving relationship.  And I doubt that they are in the minority.

Some men may mess around and find it fun.  Some women may mess around and find it fun.  You just need to look harder to find the ones with morals and scruples.  They are out there, and they aren't that hard to find.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk


(in reply to MissSepphora1)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 12:45:14 PM   
apiercedkitty


Posts: 569
Joined: 2/22/2007
From: Michigan
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleMissModern

So, I recognize that it's not the healthiest thing, but in my relationship with my boyfriend, I'm being kept a secret from his ex-wife and his family.  It's a relationship I'm looking at getting away from, but there are circumstances that don't allow that right now.  I know it wasn't the best thing to get into to begin with, but I did it, for whatever reason and now I'm where I'm at. 

Here's the thing.  He treats his ex-wife really well, because she has his kids, and he wants to be able to see them.  She treats him like shit.  Unless he can do something for her, she doesn't want anything to do with him.  Face it - she has the opportunity to make his life a living hell when it comes to the kids. Did you know he had kids from a previous marriage? If you did, you should have put some thought into how he'd have to have contact with the ex on a regular basis.

BECAUSE I'm a secret, I often get the short end of the stick.  He can't take my calls when he's with her, but he has to take her calls, calls for his business, and calls for his family, when he's with me.  I know that they're divorced 100% because I had a job for a while, working in the legal system locally, and it's been recorded that they are infact divorced.  It's already been pointed out that he doesn't "have" to take calls... he "chooses" to. Think about that for a second.

Let me preface this by saying that most all women I've ever known are capable of being manipulative bitches.  I am no exception to that rule.  I completely recognize that I'm a HORRIBLE ex-girlfriend, but in that, I also recognize that I'm a very good girlfriend.  Anyway, here's the issue.  Try not to project your own patterns on all of us, k? If you hang around women like that, i feel sorry for you. i also feel sorry for you that you feel so low about yourself that you feel the need to be manipulative.

He doesn't seem to see that if I decided to, I could go to her with the fact that he and I have been seeing eachother all this time, and REALLY screw things up for him.  It would mean the end of our relationship, and friendship, but I have the power to start the chain reaction that he's so scared of.  So, if he recognizes that, why is he treating me the way he does sometimes? Why do I get less than she does, when I've been nothing but wonderful to him this whole time and she treats him like shit?  Ok, grow up - you chose to start and continue this relationship. It speaks ill of your character that you're even entertaining the idea of screwing things up for him. That's just childish and doesn't serve any purpose but to show the world how small you really are.

Here's an example.  He took care of something for her that cost $1000, but a very similar thing that I need taken care of costs $100 and he won't do it. i've dated a few guys since my divorce and have NEVER asked them to "take care of" things for me. i have struggled A LOT financially in the 6 years since my ex moved out. i would never dream of expecting someone i was dating to pay for things i need. Your financial situation shouldn't be his responsibility - regardless of what he takes care of for anyone else. It's simply not your business. 

There are lots of examples, financial and otherwise, where there's a tremendous gap... I can understand doing things for the kids, and keeping a roof over their head and such, but much aside from that, and whatever the very base limit is that it takes to keep the peace, I feel that should be it.  She doesn't deserve anything more. 

Maybe he trusts me not to do that to him, and/or believes that my ties to him are stronger than any negative pressure that could be placed on us. 

I don't want to be like his ex-wife, so I doubt I'd ever say anything.  I can't imagine being THAT pissed off... but as far as him knowing the possibility of that MIGHT be there, I'd think he only has two options:

1. Never have started this relationship to begin with, so that the ties don't exist...
2. Treat me well, and keep me happy (well, as happy as I can be in this situation)

This is honestly the first time this thought has crossed my mind in over a year (yes, I've been doing this for over a year).  I'm not sure what brought it up, and I'm sure it makes me look like a bad person, but I think it's a legitimate question. 
If the relationship isn't enough for you, then you need to get out and find one that does. Or first learn to do things for yourself.



_____________________________

normal is a setting on a washing machine...

(in reply to LittleMissModern)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 12:50:55 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

And well, as long as he has his cake and eats it too, he's going to do it.
Like ALL men.

And women.


_____________________________



(in reply to MissSepphora1)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Relationship Health - 12/20/2008 12:56:19 PM   
LittleMissModern


Posts: 72
Joined: 12/7/2008
Status: offline 		First of all, I HAVE spoken with her.  We had a long talk when she saw me with him one time.  It was about 4 hours on the phone (the three of us) with her bashing him.  At that point, he told her that we were going to stop seeing eachother, and obviously that didn't happen.  I have seen very little of what she's said about him actually IN his character over the past year we've spent together.  I see him lie to her, but he's seen me lie to my parents as well, and neither of us are dishonest with eachother. 

I realize that it's not a very positive thing to think like this, and that it makes me look kinda like a bad person, I'm sure... I understand the kid thing 100% and I have from day one.  Kids come first any time you involve yourself with someoen who's a father.  I really do understand that, and have absolutely no objection to it. 

My problem is in the fact that he does so much for HER, that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the kids... I understand paying the house payment, and the bills and stuff, to keep a roof over their heads and stuff... and he does that.  He's a very good dad.  I just believe that he needs to keep the peace, take care of his kids, and that should be it. 

I feel like i'm being shit on for being there for him and caring about him through all of this... maybe he's the kind of guy who only responds to "I'll fuck up your life if you don't do everything I want".

I don't know how to explain to him how I feel... that I'm hurt that he's willing to do more for someone who shits on him than someone who cares...

And no, I'm not the reason for their divorce, but I have that leverage due to him telling her that we stopped seeing each other a long time ago. 

I'm upset that the thought crossed my mind, really.  I could never do something like that to him because I don't want to be like that... I just feel shitty about the situation because it seems unfair. 

(in reply to MissSepphora1)
Profile   Post #: 20
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