RE: Deeply Troubled

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Aszhrae -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/1/2009 1:05:17 PM)
~FR~ Its not like I asked to be ignored and I suppose it was inevitable as the writing was on the wall. Still though, I have always had mistress to confide in when I was having difficulty with master. She would console me but now I do not have that, instead I am told that when I am unhappy to confine my self to my room. Which is why I have so much time to spend on here in the CM forum. You all suggested about friends. Friends require ongoing contact which given my situation and service to mistress and master, their needs trump any friendships that I might have had in the real world. It is not for the lack of trying, but they have managed over the years to isolate me. When I am not laboring for master, doing my chores, when my chores are completed I have the internet access that I earned. Those that I would call friends are online and with cam I am able to conference with them. I would like to also point out that I have not had contact with my family for 18 years. Mistress and master have been my family. In 9 months they will be severing that connection. I think that is the most depressing part of the months to come. First thing mistress did was to tell master that I will no longer be available to labor for him. Second thing was mistress telling me that the only thing she wants me to continue doing is my chores and with the skills master has given me go elsewhere to contribute to your allowance. I am not being loaned out to bring extra money into the household. Third thing mistress pointed out that she wants to be kept informed of my progress but how she said it was very cold. I am feeling empty because I am being pushed away. Not being tossed out the door but most certainly master has threatened to do so. Avoid master whenever possible and do not speak to him more than necessary. It is unsettling as the world that I have known is beginning to be taken away piece by piece. Then of course there are the legal issues that I am currently involved in and my medical issues. Then of course there is the fear of being alone. Constantly in my thoughts and though I try to push it way it always returns. Biggest questions are: What do I do now? Where do I go from here?

T1981 -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/1/2009 1:15:03 PM)
I can't imagine what you are going through, but it sounds very similar to the processes that others go through when they lose their masters. It's very deep and very real - it's a grieving process. I don't really have any constructive advice to give, only that I'm glad you are talking about it and not bottling it up.

mc1234 -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/1/2009 1:15:48 PM)
Do you have money available to you to rent an apartment? Have you been using your time online to search for a job in your area using the skills you've learned? You're going to have to learn to be self-sufficient and rely on yourself rather than others to take care of you.

kiwisub12 -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/1/2009 1:29:29 PM)
You might want to concentrate on finding a job, and starting it before you have to leave, so you won't have too many changes to cope with at once. And once you are out in the workforce, it may be easier to find an affordable apartment - or at least know what district to look for one. If you can find one with health benefits - even better! Be aware that during times of stress, your attention is diverted from the job at hand - be it driving or work. People are much more likely to have a car wreck during times of stress than times of calm. Dah - you might say, but my first car wreck was during my divorce . As for worrying about your mistress - i think you need to focus on yourself. Focusing or obsessing on your mistress may be a way for you to try and forget about your problems and future, when really you need to take care of yourself. Good luck.

Aszhrae -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/1/2009 4:09:31 PM)
Let me, thinking back. When mistress and master were recovering from their car accident most of my savings went to helping them with their recovery. When I was loaned out, the money I earned during that time went to paying off their debts which allowed them to afford a trip to Austria. I don't have much left. Another issue you are not familiar with, is the prejudice of employers towards someone awaiting SRS. I am quite sure that stella went through it as well many others during the waiting period and transitioning. Laboring for master the last couple of years kept me from experiencing such prejudice. I shared here that mistress and master have managed to keep me isolated and dependent upon them for my personal well-being and now they are withdrawing. Forty-two years of being reliant on others and now everyone thinks that I can learn to be independent over a couple a months.

mc1234 -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/1/2009 4:28:13 PM)
Not within a few months, no ... but if you never begin the process, you'll never get there. ::shrug:: As for employers - I'm certain there is discrimination. However, in our local grocery store, which is a large chain in NJ, there were two transgendered women working there - it was obvious. If you never look, you'll never find. Anyway, I'm done here, though, because I'm sure this is falling on deaf ears. I do wish you the best of luck - nothing would be more freeing than to take control of your own destiny. I don't know what I'd do if I felt as helpless and victimized as you do.

servantheart -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/1/2009 4:48:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aszhrae I really do not like feeling like this and its not a constant condition. How do you deal as a sub/slave with the emptiness inside you as a result of being ignored by your dominant, before it becomes depression? Also, would like to ask how you might deal with the anxiety that some times arises when you find our self concerned about the well-being of your dominant? I haven't read through the responses on this thread so apologies in advance if I'm repeating anyone's advice. Dealing with the feelings of being ignored by your Dominant before it becomes depression--in my opinion, it depends on the reason(s) for the banishment as well as how long it lasts. If the time is truly excessive, you should ask yourself if this is something you're willing to tolerate. No one has the right to mistreat you, be it psychologically or physically. If the punishments leave you feeling worthless, the relationship is not a healthy one. If, on the other hand, it is to teach a specific lesson, I would focus on learning what He is teaching you. Look inward and be honest with yourself - were you reacting because He didn't acquiesce to your desires? Remember that in all things, you must submit to His will, even if it isn't fun or what you desire and even if it infuriates you. Don't allow yourself to give in to depression. Beating yourself up and wallowing in self pity serves no purpose and will hinder your growth in submission. You can't change the past, so forget it. Anxiety can be more challenging to overcome, this I know from personal experience. The only advice I have to offer is to remind yourself that He is a grown Man and as such, capable of taking care of Himself. If you see evidence that He refuses to do so, then why is He taking on the responsibility of caring for and guiding another? He has no business playing Master to another if He is incapable of first Mastering Himself and keeping His own affairs squared away. I wish you the best as you confront these issues. SH

Aszhrae -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/1/2009 5:12:56 PM)
I am not reliant upon servantheart, quite honestly, master has proven himself not worthy for me to respect in the least because he has resented me since the beginning. Most of the times that I found my self at the receiving end of his hostility, it was mistress that I went to. I have stated before, no sooner did I learn to spread my wings, with mistress' help, master would come along and clip them. Those here have often asked why I stayed. The reason is simple, when master became violent, I put my self between mistress and master so that no harm would happen to mistress. Although mistress is pushing me away. My responsibility is still towards mistress. My concern is for what might happen to mistress once I am released to serve another mistress. Mistress has told me that her daughter will care for her once she relocates back to Ontario. As for master, he could go to hell for all I care. I only labored for him because mistress told me to do so. My emptiness is because I do not have the luxury of snuggling up to mistress when I am hurting inside. I have my room and my internet and that all I have other than my chores.

kiwisub12 -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/1/2009 5:22:17 PM)
I am sorry you are being kicked out - and you ARE going to have to be independent in a few weeks! So get off your sad and depressed butt, and find a job! Feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to get it. You are going to have to develop a backbone, and go out and take your knocks with the rest of the world. Yes - there are going to be people who will reject you, and so what? Do you really think that everyone will love you? And if you really think it is going to be tough to find a job, then you need to start sooner than later. A steady income when you move out will make it a whole lot easier to get an apartment. I could be sweet and tell you that its unfair - but that isn't going to help. What will help is a job! and why are you worrying about Mistress? She has a plan, and now you need one. Its time you stopped using her as an excuse to put off your life. You have at least half of your life to go before you die - and you need to start living it - instead of using someone else as an excuse to avoid it.

Aszhrae -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/1/2009 5:44:35 PM)
thanks for making me feel a hell of a lot worst about my situation kiwi

lusciouslips19 -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/1/2009 6:05:59 PM)
You should go on goverment assitance. I am not sure what it is in Canada but I am sure Canada has it. I am sure they will asist you in job training too. I the U.S people also can apply for special housing if on assistance.

LaTigresse -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/1/2009 6:05:59 PM)
Aszhrae, I am going to suggest you find a local mental health clinic and begin getting some counseling. Everything I've read since you began posting here reflects the thoughts of a deeply troubled individual. No matter what advice is given you, you find an excuse as to why you cannot, or you go on the attack, or begin looking for a negative attack where there is none. Until you fix yourself, you will not find a mistress that will treat you as you should be treated. Stop being reactive and begin to be proactive. If you don't, nothing is going to get better. It will only contine to spiral down, down, down.........further into the abyss that you are already diving into. It's your choice, continue to be miserable or get off your ass and begin helping yourself.

Aszhrae -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/1/2009 7:15:16 PM)
Have to really wonder about something: If everything you knew and trusted was being withdrawn from you, would you say the same thing? If your life followed the same as mine, would you still be able to pick your self up? I have a very real fear of being alone? Even in a room full of people I still feel very much alone. If there are men in that room, then I want to get as far away from them as possible. Since most employers are men within the same industry as master is employed, I guess I am sort of screwed. As for counseling, yes, I did have a counselor, the only female one there, she has been dismissed and her case load was given to a male that I don't know. There is no damn way. Only reason I associate with master is because he is married to mistress. I don't trust him, never have and he has earned that mistrust. I tolerate men that I know, but there is that tendency not to trust them. Strange men, I want to get away from them as far as I can. If you had indeed read through the thread LaTigresse, you would have picked up on both my points. When I first met master here, I was scared of him, as it eased, I would hyper-ventilate, thankfully I only get the occasional anxiety attack, if the anxiety attack is strong enough it will trigger insomnia and I will go until I pass out from exhaustion. A mistress once asked me about how I would react to the following scenario: if mistress told me to give the gardener a BJ, my reply, I would disobey, that I would rather endure the worst CP imaginable or die, which ever came first. Most employers are men: I would rather endure the worst CP imaginable or die, which ever came first. call it what you like

lusciouslips19 -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/1/2009 7:18:38 PM)
You have 2 choices. Pick yourself up or perish. You are going to have to gain a self esteem and self worth and self sufficiency. You have no choice. You just have to do it.

KatyLied -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/1/2009 7:23:10 PM)
[sm=banghead.gif]

LaTigresse -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/1/2009 7:25:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aszhrae Have to really wonder about something: If everything you knew and trusted was being withdrawn from you, would you say the same thing? If your life followed the same as mine, would you still be able to pick your self up? I have a very real fear of being alone? Even in a room full of people I still feel very much alone. If there are men in that room, then I want to get as far away from them as possible. Since most employers are men within the same industry as master is employed, I guess I am sort of screwed. As for counseling, yes, I did have a counselor, the only female one there, she has been dismissed and her case load was given to a male that I don't know. There is no damn way. Only reason I associate with master is because he is married to mistress. I don't trust him, never have and he has earned that mistrust. I tolerate men that I know, but there is that tendency not to trust them. Strange men, I want to get away from them as far as I can. If you had indeed read through the thread LaTigresse, you would have picked up on both my points. When I first met master here, I was scared of him, as it eased, I would hyper-ventilate, thankfully I only get the occasional anxiety attack, if the anxiety attack is strong enough it will trigger insomnia and I will go until I pass out from exhaustion. A mistress once asked me about how I would react to the following scenario: if mistress told me to give the gardener a BJ, my reply, I would disobey, that I would rather endure the worst CP imaginable or die, which ever came first. Most employers are men: I would rather endure the worst CP imaginable or die, which ever came first. call it what you like Well then Aszhrae, I guess you are screwed. You refuse to take yourself out of your box. Give or take a few percentage points 50% of the world population is male. Odds are you will either have to learn to deal with them or you will crawl off into some hole somewhere and perish. The choice really is yours. And yes, I have read. I read your words and see nothing but alternating self pity, hostility, and denial. The only way you are going to survive is to pull yourself out of this cycle.

Aszhrae -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/1/2009 7:29:15 PM)
Can only hope that I find a female employer, a male employer would just result me in becoming a nervous wreck and an eventual basket case. And no, KatyLied, I am not yet at the banging my head against a brick wall. I remember the last time my head came into contact with a wall - I awakened in hospital with 23 stitches in my scalp. I was 12 and a Gr.8 threw me into the wall.

lusciouslips19 -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/1/2009 7:36:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aszhrae Can only hope that I find a female employer, a male employer would just result me in becoming a nervous wreck and an eventual basket case. And no, KatyLied, I am not yet at the banging my head against a brick wall. I remember the last time my head came into contact with a wall - I awakened in hospital with 23 stitches in my scalp. I was 12 and a Gr.8 threw me into the wall. No she feels like she is banging her head against a brick wall. You are the brick wall. You are just not listening or willing to do anything but make excuses.

KatyLied -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/1/2009 7:39:18 PM)
When every sensible suggestion is met with an excuse it turns less into a "help me" thread and more in to a "I need some attention" thread.

parakeet89 -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/1/2009 7:47:45 PM)
You're going to have to learn how to deal with men. Sure, you may find a female employer, but you're still going to have to interact with men at whatever job you get. Maybe you should find a counselor who's male. Opening up to a male counselor might help you interact with men in your day-to-day life too. I know from other posts you've made that you've been hurt by men. However, you have to realize that not ALL men are like that. I've been hurt by men too, and I haven't been in any kind of romantic/sexual relationship because of it. But I'm trying day by day to deal with the issues that made me so afraid to trust men. I suggest you try doing that too. It's never too late.

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