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RE: Deeply Troubled - 1/2/2009 2:37:46 PM

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2 suggestions:

1) start earning your own money (you have skills) so you can move. If you don't have the money to move ask your friends in Ontario if they can loan it.
2) move back to where you support network is (even if you leave with a few garbage bags of belongings and have to take the train or bus) and then take advantage of the help, whether it be from friends or from the government.

thornhappy

< Message edited by thornhappy -- 1/2/2009 2:41:46 PM >

(in reply to Aszhrae)

RE: Deeply Troubled - 1/2/2009 2:38:12 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

quote:

If this upset some of you (the ones I know) ah well. I'm sitting here reading wondering who has the biggest problem - the OP or you all for hounding her. I've sat through with some of you when your on your 'poor me' pity boughts as some people have accused to OP of. Just because you haven't brought it on the forum doesn't mean you've never done it. Shit - I'VE done it in the past when I hit rock bottom.

I lubs ya darlin but this is laughable. YOU rarely sugar coat your advice and have come down pretty hard on some. Someone comes for advice, we give it.

I don't believe you should sugar coat it lushy. I don't believe that this has anything to do with sugar coating and all to do with exasperation. But when people get exasperated the best thing they can do is switch off.
And I never give out 'advice' lushy - I really want to put that out there. This isn't 'Dear Deirdre' or some other cheap sunday advice column in your local news, this is a discussion forum. Anyone giving advice should be avoided. People giving opinions and what they would do or did or have done is different. Talk about the different options, sure, but that's pretty much it.

I loves ya too.

the.dark.

Its true. Every opinion or suggestion or experience is met with negativity or excuses, so yes many feel like.....

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RE: Deeply Troubled - 1/2/2009 2:43:35 PM

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Greetings..

If she's in a state of depression..which other than by a medical diagnosis confirming that..who knows.. no matter what is said here in the way of advice on any level will be pointless. The only thing that will be beneficial to her is the actual rescue of her, and it appears from all of her threads here that I've read that this is really the only thing she cares to hear. That one person saying they will take her in or be her Mistress. :/

starshine

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RE: Deeply Troubled - 1/2/2009 2:45:33 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: starshineowned

Greetings..

If she's in a state of depression..which other than by a medical diagnosis confirming that..who knows.. no matter what is said here in the way of advice on any level will be pointless. The only thing that will be beneficial to her is the actual rescue of her, and it appears from all of her threads here that I've read that this is really the only thing she cares to hear. That one person saying they will take her in or be her Mistress. :/

starshine

Bingo... but not for nine months.

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RE: Deeply Troubled - 1/2/2009 2:51:38 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aszhrae

You have all known independence and you think it is so damn easy. So damn easy to think that someone could just drop their world and walk away. I wish it was just that easy.

Aszhrae - i spent 13 years in a marraige that was less than perfect - i divorced that man and was left by myself with two minors. Do you realise how scared and lonely i was? I was so afraid i would end up on the streets without him to deal with money matters.
the point is - most everyone here over the age of 20 has had issues - some of them major - in their lives, as i have, and the best advice i ever got - which i shared with you - was to make a plan - and start working it. Self pity, and telling myself why the plan wouldn't work wouldn't have helped. Maybe the fact that i had 2 ums made it easier for me to get off my duff - i couldn't subject them to being destitute - maybe it didn't.

It does sound to me that you are in a major depression - been there myself - and the only way that will get better is to go on medication. Perhaps that could be your plan for now - go talk to your GP.

I do feel sorry for you and your situation - and that doesn't help you at all. If being tough gets you going - great, my job here is finished, but being sweet and piting isn't going to help you. I stand by my last post.

(in reply to Aszhrae)

RE: Deeply Troubled - 1/2/2009 2:58:50 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: thornhappy

2 suggestions:

1) start earning your own money (you have skills) so you can move. If you don't have the money to move ask your friends in Ontario if they can loan it.

Okay, you have here a transgendered female with depression and other issues. Who do you think would be prepared to employ her?

Also how bearing in mind the situation she's in, how is she going to look for work?

quote:

ORIGINAL: thornhappy

2) move back to where you support network is (even if you leave with a few garbage bags of belongings and have to take the train or bus) and then take advantage of the help, whether it be from friends or from the government.

This is assuming that she has a support network left, or even family. What if she isn't 'out' to her family? And if she's in Vancouver and a native of Toronto, how does she get there? From what I can see from the Google map, Vancouver is some distance from Toronto.

But you know alll this is speculation until the OP rejoins the discussion. She needs to make the choices and decisions, she needs to take the responsibility.

(in reply to thornhappy)

RE: Deeply Troubled - 1/2/2009 3:08:46 PM

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9 months can be a lifetime, and offer a possibility of growth. Growth is not something that happens overnight. Change is a hard thing to deal with, especially when everything seems to be changing.

When I lost my husband, I ended up in a strange state and strange city, with only one connection my mother. She though was very busy with her own social life, and had no time for me. I had to rescue myself, but i had people encouraging me in the chatrooms, through emails and by phone. They did not tear me apart or called me names, because I was not able to comprehend a lot at that time. Grief and depression go hand and hand where the mind goes into a numb zone and the pain within is all that is left. If it wasn't for people telling me I could do this, take little steps and breath, my walk would been harder.

9 months can be a lifetime of healing when you receive positive strokes on what is good in you. I been there and hope for Aszhre she can experience it. She will have to take care of herself, but it makes it easier when people believe in you.

Aszhre, I believe in you.
Bright blessings
oceanwynds

(in reply to Lockit)

RE: Deeply Troubled - 1/2/2009 3:13:53 PM

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OP, I know you're dealing with a boatload of issues - all of which seem overwhelming. I'd say your first step is to get yourself to your primary care physican and talk with her. Get on some meds for depression and anxiety. Have her help you find a therapist. Until you get your head even partitially on straight, you won't be able to tackle anything else. But no one can do this for you. I know when I was going through depression, I could barely drag my ass out of bed, let alone deal with reality.

I was very annoyed with you earlier when I left my previous post on the forum. Frustrated that no matter what anyone tells you, you have a response for why it won't work. You remind me of my sister in that way actually - she always has an excuse. But I'm a much stronger person than my sister, and I realized awhile back that it's easier for me to say 'just do it!' than it is for her to say, 'maybe today I'll do it'.

I'd urge you to call for an appointment today with your doctor - take that first step.

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RE: Deeply Troubled - 1/2/2009 3:14:58 PM

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The thing is... how many have been nice? How many have encouraged? How many of those got blasted for their efforts? People are going from encouraging and supporting to being harrassed, lied about and treated like shit. Whether one coddled or went tough love didn't seem to matter... unless you give exactly what someone wants... you are going to get it sooner or later. That is why people are giving up.

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RE: Deeply Troubled - 1/2/2009 3:15:17 PM

jstmi

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hi aszhrae
that is a tough one for sure, i have had this happen in the past - at least i think it was happening. the best thing to do is to not change anything you are doing , and realize there are a few things that are not healthy to think about.
1) Have i done something wrong?
2) She doesn't love me anymore
3) She is teaching me a lesson.

Chances are it is NONE of the above, maybe She is having a tough day and needs some alone time , or She doesn't feel well and being a Dominant takes alot of energy, be patient and journal your feelings..

the main thing is to NOT worry-

good luck
jstmi

(in reply to Aszhrae)

RE: Deeply Troubled - 1/2/2009 3:35:05 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

The thing is... how many have been nice? How many have encouraged? How many of those got blasted for their efforts? People are going from encouraging and supporting to being harrassed, lied about and treated like shit. Whether one coddled or went tough love didn't seem to matter... unless you give exactly what someone wants... you are going to get it sooner or later. That is why people are giving up.

People are giving up because they feel they are not being heard. She feels she is not being heard. I believe she got good advice, and somewhere in this thread she mentioned trying to think through this advice.

Lockit, she been a submissive/slave most of her life. She knows how to please a Mistress, to what she has been taught, and has tried to be the best submissive/slave possible to those. She doesn't know there is more to her then just that. 9 months can help her become aware, but this is not over night. It is normal to get frustrated, I get frustrated too, because I feel her pain, lived part of what she has encountered, and want her so much to believe in herself. Take the steps to believe in herself. I know this isn't going to happen overnight.

Please forgive me OP, but i also see your Mistress as an abuser as well. This is because of the isolation. It is very much liken to women who live with an abuser. A dog can be kicked over and over, and learn to obey, but they are never permitted to let their wings out to fly.

You have a hard situation and 9 months can be made into miracles.

(in reply to Lockit)

RE: Deeply Troubled - 1/2/2009 4:51:57 PM

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From: KC Area Missouri
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aszhrae

Advice coming from people that have known independence.
I have not and you all expect me to become independent over night.
There is not a reliant bone in any of your bodies, without reliance how can you call your self a submissive or slave.
Who is playing the fantasy here?
Sink or swim? I will probably sink because I have learned to be reliant upon others, I do as I am told, I do my chores, I do as I am instructed and directed. That is how I live. That is how I am.
My emptiness is because mistress is pushing me away. No more escort requirement. No more collar to say that I belong to her when I am out in the community.
You have all known independence and you think it is so damn easy. So damn easy to think that someone could just drop their world and walk away. I wish it was just that easy.
I open my heart. Express my troubles. What it inevitably leads to you is after the advice is given, the knives come out and you start stabbing away.
Honestly, you all just have absolutely no idea what your asking me to do.
This world is all I have ever known.
You only managed to cause me more grief.
Someone said it right, 'the only thing you get in the forums is anger and pain'.
I'm done asking for advice or baring innermost concerns with you all.

To those that actually offered me good advice, thank you.
The rest of you, well I don't have to say it, but you already know what you can do.

Number 1: No one said you had to get independent overnight, but you do have to get off your ass to ever take the first step on the long journey to get there.

Number 2: I seriously would think first before opening your mouth to tell others that unless they are x or have experienced x then how can they call themselves sub, slave, dom, cherry picker or whatever. We know who and what we are and there are absolutely no hard fast rules and guidelines for being able to identify as who and what we are. It's in the heart and soul. Should we tell you what you are or aren't or is it your place to decide what you are and aren't?

Number 3: I fought my ass off for the independence I have so far attained. It sure as hell wasn't given to me and in fact constant actions, words, threats and attempts were made to keep me dependent wholly on who I was with. You will sink because you refuse to get off your ass and take the first step, not because you have learned to be reliant on others.

I was wholly reliant and dependent on one for a number of years. I had nothing unless I was allowed it. I lost everything I had including my family, and home, everything. I hit rock bottom, I lived in a truck then in a tent. I had a short pity party and then I asked friends what I could do to change my circumstances and they told me very bluntly with absolutely no sugar coating what my options were to turn things around for the better. I listened, I thought on it all and then did the hardest, scariest thing I've ever done in my life to date. I took the first step. I got off my ass and I took the first step. I clawed my way back up step by step. I got my family back, my self esteem back, my self worth back and it has taken years to do it, 6 so far and I'm not done yet. I'm still not in the place I need to be, but I am still taking the steps and continuing my fight to attain that place. It is far far far from easy and no one who has replied that I've seen has said it is easy.

Number 4: You opened your heart and expressed your troubles and then, as you have in countless other threads you've started on variations of this, you got nasty and attacked any posters who did not post what you wanted to see. You weren't attacked, you were given blunt advice and you didn't like it. I'm not in any way attacking you now, but I'm quite sure you believe I am because I am not commiserating and saying what you want to hear.

I know exactly what I'm advising you to do and exactly how hard it is to do. I've been there, done that, hit rock bottom. You aren't yet to the place I sunk to if your posts are honest and accurate.

None of us caused you grief. You caused yourself grief by how you chose to react to what was posted in reply to you. And what you get in the forums depends on what you post and how you react to the replies. In general you get blunt advice and a few wisecracks here. If the forums affect you so negatively then simply leave as there is no sense in putting yourself through such pain and grief.

I do hope someday you will finally open your eyes and see and take that first terrifying step.

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(in reply to Aszhrae)

RE: Deeply Troubled - 1/2/2009 4:58:32 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

wise words, Sassy

Thanks GT and really what more can anyone here do? So many have given her wonderful advice and ideas to try and help her be able to take that first step. It's up to her when or if she takes it and she's not really listening or responding well at all to most of the advice. The ball is in her court and the decision is hers. No one can do it for her.

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RE: Deeply Troubled - 1/2/2009 5:13:22 PM

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As to the OP being badly depressed, I so fully understand that. I'm on meds permanently as part of the plan to handle mine. I have no choice in that. I have tried so many times to not be dependent on meds. It just does not work for me, but I had to take the first step to getting that dealt with too. I had to open my mouth and tell my doctor and I didn't do that until I was suicidal enough to scare the shit out of myself and my family and friends. The fear of the unknown is many times much worse than the reality is when it hits.

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RE: Deeply Troubled - 1/2/2009 5:29:48 PM

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Yep - been there with the suicidal thing - went to my GP and scared the crap out of him - not what he was used to from me - got on meds, and found a great therapist - all of which helped me get out of the bad place. It wasn't overnight, and it took me taking the first step - going to see him - to get out.

Arz - you need ot take the first step.

(in reply to SassySarijane)

RE: Deeply Troubled - 1/2/2009 6:07:42 PM

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Yup.....no one else can take that first step except for the person themself. That first step is the hardest of them all, but it starts you on the path to getting better or climbing back up from where you've fallen. I really think that is pretty much what everyone who's replied is trying to get her to understand. She has to take that first step in order for anything to change.

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RE: Deeply Troubled - 1/3/2009 1:14:51 AM

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Let me just begin by saying. I am doing my best to process all the advice that was given.
Please put your blades and barbs away.
As to the recommendation of seeing my doctor. That can not prescribe antidepressants because of the spirolactone that I am on, unless I stop taking them, the stress upon my heart as well as my kidneys is not recommended.
Next, I have the stress of an assessment coming up about funding for my surgery.
My Mistress and her husband have pretty much withdrawn. My allowance has taken a hit and I am having to do with the fact that I may have sell everything that I have been given and earned over the years just to be able to fly to Montreal for the surgery.
The emptiness I feel as I have shared with oceanwynds, is that I feel as though I am no longer wanted or needed to serve the mistress here. Factor in the fact that not only are you advising me to step away from the lifestyle that I have ever known, but mistress has been suggesting it as well.
Something stella has brought up about my preparation for surgery. I went to social assistance today. I let you know what they said: stop transitioning and I would probably get hired [This however is not an option as I have wanted this for a very long time] Another interesting tidbit of information for you all, with estrace, even at half the recommended dosage, I have been enjoying twice the effect which actually surprises my doctor. When transitioning the way your brain works, is being rewired. I was a very emotional individual before. I am even more so now. I also have a tendency to be much more sensitive which I am sure stella might also suggest as a contributing factor to me feeling somewhat empty.
As oceanwynds has suggested, given how spiritual that I am in my beliefs and closely link to my lifestyle that it has become, stepping away from the lifestyle to becoming more independent is not an option at this time. I will trust in the goddess as I have always done.
I am looking for answers and possibilities. This is but a trial that I need to get passed. I asked for advice in dealing with the emptiness. The anxiety is caused by not having someone to care for, which is my purpose in life. I have always cared for a mistress. That is who I am.
Now it was suggested to me that I find something to occupy my time and I am strongly considering a few options. But there are so many things going on right now, I am just feeling a little overwhelmed.
As for my fears, they are very real. The last couple of days they have been right at the surface and the biggest one is the fear of being alone; the second, which will be much harder to overcome and over the years has not been overcome at all, the fear of men.
You can suggest what I should do, even advise, but it is my personal demon and I will just have to continue trying to conquer that fear. You may like men, but I don't, at this time, I probably never will. There are woman employers out there, I just have to find the right one. If anything, just to supplement my allowance.
Still processing the advice that has been given to this point. What has been posted is the result of what has been processed in my brain up until now with a little help from private conversations.

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Goddess bless and keep you and yours safe

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(in reply to SassySarijane)

RE: Deeply Troubled - 1/3/2009 1:43:22 AM

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I suggest that you adjust your view a bit. If the people here (male and female) truly didn't give a shit about you, your threads would have exactly zero responses.
I've watched people try to reach out to you, and I've seen you kick them in the teeth because their responses weren't what you wanted to hear. Your situation, frankly, bites the big one- but the only way out, as many have said, is to take the first step.

That said, I'd wager a month's wages that if you find it within yourself to take that step, some of the folks who you consider your harshest critics will be your biggest cheerleaders... think about it.

Wyld

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RE: Deeply Troubled - 1/3/2009 5:41:46 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aszhrae

My allowance has taken a hit and I am having to do with the fact that I may have sell everything that I have been given and earned over the years just to be able to fly to Montreal for the surgery.
The emptiness I feel as I have shared with oceanwynds, is that I feel as though I am no longer wanted or needed to serve the mistress here. Factor in the fact that not only are you advising me to step away from the lifestyle that I have ever known, but mistress has been suggesting it as well.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aszhrae

Something stella has brought up about my preparation for surgery. I went to social assistance today. I let you know what they said: stop transitioning and I would probably get hired [This however is not an option as I have wanted this for a very long time]

Thank you Aszhrae for posting this.. We can maybe make a start here and start moving forward.

Please take a look everybody at what Aszh has reported, the 'official' view... 'stop transitioning and you will probably be hired..'

This is most likely what is behind Aszhrae's depression - that lack of acceptance of her as a person, for who she really is, i.e. female.

Those of you who have written of your own trials and tribulations in life need to understand that it's not the same, because you were accepted in your own gender, nobody rejected you for the gender you were, i.e. rejecting you as a woman because they cannot accept you as a female.

The social assistance perceive Aszh as male (I had a similar experience last year in Atlanta) simply because they assume she has a penis.. they do not consider that she could be a woman who was born with a penis, and to me, seeing as she is receiving hormone therapy to correct her birth defects to become fully female, why should she have to become someone who she isn't - i.e. a male - just to be employed? I have had the similar experience in the UK, the welfare people tried (and failed) to starve me out. Why?

Because it's extremely difficult for a transgendered person to find employment.

Take a look also at the couple who have 'used' Aszh to keep their home clean and work for them as a slave for 18 years. Not needed? Get rid. Aszh to them is just a slave, not a person, there is no dignity.

It is precisely this sort of attitude, this fight for acceptance, a daily battle, that is part and parcel of the whole gender reassignment process. This is where Aszh is probably feeling depressed. Consider how you would feel if nobody accepted you for who you are, but instead formed an opinion of you based on what they think of you. Believe me, it's tiring and depressing, you have to constantly fight and constantly struggle.

But to the OP, Aszh, you have to move forward, you have to try, to cannot any longer live in the past, you have to start living in the present.

YOU HAVE TO GIVE OTHER PEOPLE A CHANCE.

You have to pick and choose your battles, and I can assure you, that if you are honest, up front and you quit getting angry over the issues you've been getting over and stop being confrontational, people's attitudes towards you will change.

You have to refuse to fight. Aszh, take it from me, from all the other transgendered people here, if someone doesn't accept you move on, do not fight, do not argue, do not bitch about it, move on, they do not matter.

The only people who matter are the ones who accept you.

As for the social assistance issue, if people cannot find you acceptable for employment, then I wouldn't have an issue with living off the income from their taxes. They make that choice over whether you are socially acceptable or not, they pay for that choice.

But Aszh, you need to be with the people who accept you for you. These are the only people who matter. Seek them out, find them, live among them.

Generally the further down you go down through society the more accepting people are. Do not be afraid of them. They've been rejected from society too.

You need to start believing in yourself, none of here can do that, and none of us here can help you until you stop fighting and start accepting things, taking responsibility, and giving everyone a chance.

(in reply to Aszhrae)

RE: Deeply Troubled - 1/3/2009 7:35:46 AM

Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
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OP we cannot put away barbs and blades when we haven't drawn them. A lot of coddling and commiserating only enables the individual to continue their self destructive path. During my pity party period, I didn't want to hear anything but commiserating, coddling and sympathy from my friends and was angry at them for not giving it and instead telling me I needed to get off my ass and take the first step to change my situation. It took me awhile to finally see that they cared enough to try and influence me to change my situation rather than help me continue to wallow in it.

We wouldn't reply to you and offer you any advice if we didn't care enough to try and actually help you rather than just enable you to continue as you are. I really wish you could see the truth of what people have been doing here for you, but so far you aren't seeing it.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
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(in reply to ALAstella)

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