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RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/30/2009 3:37:59 AM

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If it was me I'd want to be told. Withholding information is lying and lying is something I just won't stand for. The cheating is bad enough.

I want to be told so I can make the decision, not have the decision made for me. I want us to be able to maybe see if we can work on the relationship or to walk away.

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RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/30/2009 3:40:15 AM

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By lying and not telling Mark, she is compounding the problem. He will eventually find out and then be even more upset because 'everyone knew but him' and because she lied for however long. Secrets fester and cause more pain. Confessing would be a clean cut with scalpel that will heal more quickly.

If it were my friend i would tell her that i can't approve of her choice, and i will not lie for anyone -- but that if she needs a shoulder after, to let me know and i will be there. (note that i didn't say i would run and tell him, but that i wouldn't lie to him if asked)

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RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/30/2009 3:50:07 AM

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Tell her to get some help figuring out why she cheated, if she wants to repair the relationship, if so what is needed, etc.
In the meantime she needs a std scan, because if she's given him a disease then she needs to be open immediately.

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RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/30/2009 7:23:08 AM

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I personally would rather be told the truth and allowed to deal with the facts than lied to. If she cheated, there was likely a reason for it. If she keeps this to herself not only is the lie going to continue to bother her and put strain on her relationship but the underlying problem is still going to be there. Eventually it'll become so much strain the relationship will end anyway. Nothing good will come out of it either way, but at least if she tells him the truth, she shows that she respects him enough at least to be honest and up front with him.

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RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/30/2009 7:57:25 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: beth314
she is feeling really guilty and thinks she should tell Mark.

Well, there's a difference between telling someone because you feel that lying is wrong and telling someone to assuage your own guilt.

The person is question wants to tell him to assuage her own guilt without thought about the wreckage it causes or the repairs that it will require.

I agree that at some point it needs to be addressed because there's a problem at the heart of this, but it shouldn't be some bomb that you throw out there to make yourself feel better.

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RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/30/2009 8:11:22 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: beth314
she is feeling really guilty and thinks she should tell Mark.
Well, there's a difference between telling someone because you feel that lying is wrong and telling someone to assuage your own guilt.

The person is question wants to tell him to assuage her own guilt without thought about the wreckage it causes or the repairs that it will require.

I agree that at some point it needs to be addressed because there's a problem at the heart of this, but it shouldn't be some bomb that you throw out there to make yourself feel better.

I understand to a point, this possition of not foisting the dramma onto an innocent person. If there was a chance that he'd never find out by alternative means, that would be the end of that, wouldn't it.

However the second someone transgresses from their boundries with other people involved, a fuse is lit and eventually that fuse reaches the powder keg. A person could gamble that the fuse is long to burn and she could put off the inevitable or take steps to soften the blow, but she is risking that the injured party will find out by another means and that will be far more devistating then from her own lips.

After all, how often is "I was gonna tell you..." really believed.

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RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/30/2009 9:58:53 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

To be honest if you have cheated there is something wrong with the relationship, simple really. Its funny actually the just the other day I had a date with someone who told me he once cheated and didnt tell her just broke up with her. I actually think those are the only options, fess up or leave. But for me once you have cheated there is no point in carrying on.

Thank you so much for your post. Don't know if i agree...leaving without saying anything? Hmmm...ideally if she wanted to be with someone else and was obligated to a monogamous relationship, it would have been better to leave him before she screwed around on him; but i guess hindsight is 20/20.

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RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/30/2009 10:03:16 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

If it was me I'd want to be told. Withholding information is lying and lying is something I just won't stand for. The cheating is bad enough.

I want to be told so I can make the decision, not have the decision made for me. I want us to be able to maybe see if we can work on the relationship or to walk away.

Hello and thanks! It seems that most people agree with that, which makes me feel really good that all the years i have followed the rule of "telling on myself first so that nobody ever has anything to tell on me for" was not really selfish at all:)

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RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/30/2009 10:10:15 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: beth314

Don't know if i agree...leaving without saying anything?

If you are going to leave them anyways what is the point of hurting them more?

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RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/30/2009 10:16:57 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MRandme

By lying and not telling Mark, she is compounding the problem. He will eventually find out and then be even more upset because 'everyone knew but him' and because she lied for however long. Secrets fester and cause more pain. Confessing would be a clean cut with scalpel that will heal more quickly.

If it were my friend i would tell her that i can't approve of her choice, and i will not lie for anyone -- but that if she needs a shoulder after, to let me know and i will be there. (note that i didn't say i would run and tell him, but that i wouldn't lie to him if asked)

hello and thanks! yes, i think time will only make it worse. i love the clean cut scapel reference. Nice and neat:)
Most definately i will always be there for her because while i may not always respect her decisions, i do respect her inheirent right to make her own choices. and yes i did note:)

< Message edited by beth314 -- 1/30/2009 10:17:45 AM >

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RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/30/2009 10:19:57 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Tell her to get some help figuring out why she cheated, if she wants to repair the relationship, if so what is needed, etc.
In the meantime she needs a std scan, because if she's given him a disease then she needs to be open immediately.

Hiya...and oh my! what great advice! Thanks:)

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life is not measured by how many breaths you take...but by how many moments take your breath away!

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RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/30/2009 10:22:40 AM

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Beth, Its always dreadfully hard when one is placed in a situation, whereby we are privy to (even unwelcomed) personal information and it is something that we may hold strong views on.
Your friend's dishonesty to her husband started the minute she cheated on him. Since then the dishonesty has been compounded by her not coming clean to him. Lies and dishonesty can build and build and become out of control.
She cheated for a reason, lust, anger, or because there were underlying problems or difficulties within her relationship with her husband. The reasons although important do not justify cheating or indeed not admiting the dishonesty.The reasons are not anyone's business but your friends and her husband.
I would agree with the other poster who said that you would not tell her husband about the affair but would not lie either if asked. No one should compromise another's honesty.
I would encourage your friend to approach her husband and tell him about the affair not to ease her guilt but to try to demonstrate she did wrong and why and to try if they both want to - to move forward and re build the trust between them and their marriage.
I wish them both the best of luck it is a huge betrayal of trust an affair or cheating but if the relationship is strong enough then hopefully it can be salvaged.

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RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/30/2009 10:23:41 AM

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thanks for the post & well said! I think it may allow her some dignity in something that was so wrong, too:)

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RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/30/2009 10:32:23 AM

BKSir

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The truth may hurt, but, it doesn't hurt nearly as bad or scar near as deep as uncertainty. I've been on both sides of this coin. I can say for certain that, at least for me, fessing up didn't alleviate the guilt at all. It's something I live with, something that eats at me every day. I know that I deeply hurt someone I loved very much by what I did, but, I wasn't going to compound it with another lie as well. That was many years ago now, and I still think about it. I probably always will. He wanted to make things work, to try and fix things, but I had to say no, because at that point in my life, I wasn't sure if I could honestly say I wouldn't do it again, and I refused to hurt him like that again.

I've also been cheated on, and although it pissed me off and hurt me, I am glad I was told about it honestly. Otherwise I'd have been stewing in suspicion and worry as it chewed me up bit by bit.

I guess that's just me though. I can deal with a LOT of things, I can forgive a lot of trespasses, but I can not and will not ever abide lying. Everyone fucks up sometimes, it's bound to happen. Don't make matters worse by screwing up and then lying about it too.

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RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/30/2009 10:35:21 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: beth314
she is feeling really guilty and thinks she should tell Mark.
Well, there's a difference between telling someone because you feel that lying is wrong and telling someone to assuage your own guilt.

The person is question wants to tell him to assuage her own guilt without thought about the wreckage it causes or the repairs that it will require.

I agree that at some point it needs to be addressed because there's a problem at the heart of this, but it shouldn't be some bomb that you throw out there to make yourself feel better.

I understand to a point, this possition of not foisting the dramma onto an innocent person. If there was a chance that he'd never find out by alternative means, that would be the end of that, wouldn't it.

However the second someone transgresses from their boundries with other people involved, a fuse is lit and eventually that fuse reaches the powder keg. A person could gamble that the fuse is long to burn and she could put off the inevitable or take steps to soften the blow, but she is risking that the injured party will find out by another means and that will be far more devistating then from her own lips.

After all, how often is "I was gonna tell you..." really believed.

OmegaG and Osidegirl,
i see both your points and im not sure what her motivation is in wanting to fess up. i told her that our conversation had me a little confused and told her of the post. She called and thanked me and said that sometimes its real difficult to past the crap when your knee deep in it.lol All the different perspectives always help me. Thank you both for your input:)

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life is not measured by how many breaths you take...but by how many moments take your breath away!

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RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/30/2009 10:37:56 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

quote:

ORIGINAL: beth314

Don't know if i agree...leaving without saying anything?

If you are going to leave them anyways what is the point of hurting them more?

colouredin, does she not OWE it to him? i dunno...just asking.

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life is not measured by how many breaths you take...but by how many moments take your breath away!

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RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/30/2009 10:40:46 AM

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Thank you, LilacPromise. you have such a beautiful way of looking at things:)

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RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/30/2009 10:44:55 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BKSir

The truth may hurt, but, it doesn't hurt nearly as bad or scar near as deep as uncertainty. I've been on both sides of this coin. I can say for certain that, at least for me, fessing up didn't alleviate the guilt at all. It's something I live with, something that eats at me every day. I know that I deeply hurt someone I loved very much by what I did, but, I wasn't going to compound it with another lie as well. That was many years ago now, and I still think about it. I probably always will. He wanted to make things work, to try and fix things, but I had to say no, because at that point in my life, I wasn't sure if I could honestly say I wouldn't do it again, and I refused to hurt him like that again.

I've also been cheated on, and although it pissed me off and hurt me, I am glad I was told about it honestly. Otherwise I'd have been stewing in suspicion and worry as it chewed me up bit by bit.

I guess that's just me though. I can deal with a LOT of things, I can forgive a lot of trespasses, but I can not and will not ever abide lying. Everyone fucks up sometimes, it's bound to happen. Don't make matters worse by screwing up and then lying about it too.

Thank you so much, Sir for sharing your experience on both sides of the coin. your insight gained through your own experience is a treasure for those who are struggling now. Thank you again!

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life is not measured by how many breaths you take...but by how many moments take your breath away!

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RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/30/2009 10:50:12 AM

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In my mind confession of having an affair is never wrong. She will be living daily with it and afraid of tripping up eventually. It will be a secret that will eventually be felt between her and her husband. How can she ever be guaranteed he wouldnt hear it from another? She made her bed and she needs to take responsibility for it.

As your friend you need to not condemn or condon but you do need to take a stance personally with yourself regarding this.

oceanwynds

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RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/30/2009 11:05:50 AM

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Very often, on some level, people who have been cheated on, do know, maybe not the intricate details, but often, if they are honest with themselves, they know something isn't right. Very often, people choose to not pay attention to that gut feeling, to try to spare their own feelings, to avoid confrontation, because they don't have 100% proof & a host of other reasons. This couple will have to find their way through the murky waters they are going to have to deal with now. It is too bad, though, that very often people who cheat choose to bring others into the whole mess. I have seen more friendships break up over people who know someone's SO had or was having an affair. Either way, whether they say anything or don't, they are very often dragged through the mud with their friends.

I am not excusing anything, but how many of us actually provide an environment for our significant others, where they feel not only free to be themselves down to their darkest self? (I am not talking about actually harm to others. The emotional harm caused by cheating is a whole other thread.) How many of us have provided an environment where our loved one can safely come clean about anything he or she has done, of even how they were feeling? If we had provided an environment where our loved one could feel he wouldn't be rejected if he talked about & explored the darker recesses of themselves with his or her partner, would there be a reason for their loved ones to have to step out of the partnership to get their needs met?

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