How to make a D/s relationship work in a "normal" house

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How to make a D/s relationship work in a "normal&q... - 6/6/2009 5:11:59 AM

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Hi everyone,

My Hubby ( and Master ) and I have been married for 2 1/2 years now and our nilla relationship is very solid. We play D/s but now we are wanting in our everyday lives where it will fit into our family life as well. We have thought about starting with chore and task setting ( of which i am doing now) and going from there. We decided we need some ground rules but are unsure where to start. Does anyone have some advice/links that may be of some help to us.

We started tonight with some simple things like running a bath for Master before he went to bed, waking him in a certain way ( as he is about to head off for night shift) and having a few things done for him. i am already feeling calmer and more "whole" and he is loving having this control over me, as the prospect of doing this 24/7 is alot more exciting than the weekend here and there that we have done in the past.

Thanks in advance for your advice and certain humor about this

sunny
He has also asked me to research and get some advice on this avenue we are wanting to take together.

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 5:15:12 AM

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It seems like you are doing the right things as it is, the idea of building it slowly is a really good one then you can decide how much or how little you want it to permeate your relationship. Though you can read books, and read forums which can be really useful only you two can establish your own relationship. To be honest I can't think of any advice to give you.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to MistressSunny)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 5:16:18 AM

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Unless you live with others, i don't forsee any problems....

If you don't want your visitors to know, you may hesitate in setting up a ST.Andrews in the livingroom, throw pillows may not cover up the fact
that people are sitting on a spanking bench, although a small cage could make a nice coffee table, i suppose.

~hints from ho'loise

_____________________________

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

(in reply to MistressSunny)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 5:17:22 AM

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I should have mentioned....we have 3 kids..ages 1,6,8

(in reply to lronitulstahp)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 5:19:52 AM

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I believe you are indeed starting out the right way, bravo! Melding this life into reality rather than force fitting reality into this life.

Never lose sight of who you both are---real people with real wants and desires.
Never get so far astray that you lose sight of reality--the IRS doesn't care who kneels when...
Never be afraid to call a time out to communicate, evaluate and readjust.

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to MistressSunny)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 5:21:58 AM

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Ohhhhh...well then...that's different.

Just realize play stays out of sight, but deference and respect, aren't kinky. They can exist quite well in a "normal" household. i don't think our great-grandmothers were necessarily sluts(well not all of them, anyway), but they usually lived in a pretty much D/s centered household, and raised kids just fine.

_____________________________

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

(in reply to MistressSunny)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 5:26:40 AM

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We have some experiance with weekend D/s scenes working with nilla ppl around..including he kids being around. As a switch, Master allows me my bois..who are fully aware of our relationship. I have had my inlaws for dinner and no one suspected a thing except myself, Master and my boi so we have experiance in melding it seemlessly into our lives.. but it is the basic rules, structure for more sustained control we are having difficulty setting up.

Am I making any sense?

(in reply to lronitulstahp)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 5:46:46 AM

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lol, i read the title of this thread and my first reaction was -- damn you live in a normal house? Damn forget everything else and sell tickets because i doubt people have ever seen such a thing as a normal house especially with kids lol.

Sorry, i couldn't resist. My former MAster's home was simply our home, it didn't follow convention, but we also didn't have outrageousness wherein the kids school teacher couldn't come for dinner without us changing from yellow to code red. I think if you don't make a big deal of things -- no one else will. You will find the more you see what you are doing as simply your LIFE with each other and the kids instead of defining things as something not normal, it will seem less conspicuous and a couple years from now you will look at this thread wondering why you thought what you have begun living was seemingly like anything but normal.

Take a deep breath and simply react naturally to him, set up the house rules -- not as something unusual but simply like you have NOW -- if you think about it you have established house rules you already follow that you either fell into doing or made a decision on. Now you are just refining them for your pleasure and enjoyment.

Don't freak out because of kids or what others will think -- the more comfortable you two are with who you are to each other, the more it will simply be how you to interact versus things people make say OMG too. I was a slave to a Gorean man for 8 years in my past, my parents never even realized, people at work didn't realize, the only people knew how our lives were actualy defined were the people we choose to tell. The kids -- well hell they are adaptable lol.

One time a couple girlfriends and i were dancing in the living room and Master's 2 year old twins were dancing too and Master and his friend came in and i danced over to him, knelt in fully obsedience and placed my lips on his boots. Suddenly above me i heard a oh HELL no and looked up startled -- the twins had followed me and had done the same exact thing i did!!! lol except kiss his boots as my hair hid that from view and Master scooped them up under his arms, stepped over me and said -- come on Boys we need to go do some manly stuff and took them out to the garage lol.

So yes. your ums will see things sometimes, but it comes down to how you handle it and what you teach them. The twins are now 16 and while they can dance like the BOMB!! They are well on their way to being upstanding and admireable Free Men.

The less inconspicuous you feel and he feels about what you do, the more accepting everyone else will be and comfortable they will be around you without you having to go code red so no one realizes.

angel

_____________________________

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson

(in reply to lronitulstahp)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 5:50:02 AM

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From: Apple County NY
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All I can suggest is that you add rules one at a time and wait a while to see how it works out. And that there's no harm in saying "This rule is unworkable, if I follow it, then dinner is always going to be late and I can't get to the preschool on time". But really, just let him figure out what he wants to make life easier.

It could be as simple as him giving you a list of meals he wants during the week, or picking your underwear.

However a lot of people have to kneel, and ask permission to get into bed. Obviously this only works if he isn't a night owl, or if you aren't suffering from lack of sleep due to a sick kid the previous night. Because if you go to bed before him, then it isn't right forcing you to suffer sleep deprivation.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to MistressSunny)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 5:54:40 AM

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"It could be as simple as him giving you a list of meals he wants during the week, or picking your underwear."

These are the kind of ideas we are looking for... the types of things he can ask me to do..as our wekend plays have been all about the sex, play and this has been when our kids have been away... we are afte the more sublte things he can ask of me.... ie he has asked me for a list of things for him to pick from....man.. its late and i cant think....sry for seeming all over the plave

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 5:54:46 AM

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I am putting aside my aversion that usually pops up when people seperate their lives into the 'kinky' and 'normal' areas
*shudders*

My advice:
First, seperate in your own minds PLAY from everday LIVING. Which, it sounds like you have already done.

Second, decide how far you actually want to take this. Are you talking complete authority transfer? Or are you talking just 'some authority transfer'?

Next, all of you involved, sit down, seperatly, and decide what YOU and YOU alone want out of this.

Next, all of you sit down, compare your desires/wishes/wants/and needs and find where they 'mesh' and where they 'collide'.

Then, start compromising...all of you, not just one or two of you, but all of you...so that you can come to a complete understading of what everyone involved needs/wants/and desires from this.

Then...start making decisions about how to implement them into your daily lives.

Most important of all though...and this is the MOST IMPORTANT thing of all...

Have fun with it and never, never forget that this is a relationship with real people involved.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to MistressSunny)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 5:59:39 AM

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i would suggest, discussing and listing the ways your life would look by going 24/7 in a TPE relationship. he makes a list journal of sort as you would, compare these together and TALK about the commonality s and the differences. from your post you have a great start, due to your existing relationship! i am excited for both of you. as a 24/7 non role play sub you will see a stark difference..it may be difficult in the beginning, although if you desire and need this it will become comforting and reassuring to you as time goes on.
i can only address the submissive side...please always, be authentic, and true to yourself..lol yes as a sub it is alright, to think about yourself at times..lol
i wish you the best of luck!
ree

(in reply to MistressSunny)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 6:03:19 AM

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If he wants to be the one in control -- shouldn't HE know what he wishes of you? Instead of you making a list saying here pick some of what other people do? I mean if you think about it, he should be able to define what you can do to make his life more pleasurance based on his control of you. You have been married to him for 2.5 years, what does he like, what does he enjoy, what are the things you could do that you really don't? I hate to say it but this is a concept of how well do you know your husband? You are asking for things to do for your husband who wants to be "in control" of you as in okay people what are submissive/slave things that people do to make you appear sub and slave.

This is about you and him, what other people do are based on the enjoyments, desires, wants and needs of the people involved. YOU know things you could do based on your knowledge OF him, and he should also know what he enjoys and has wanted from you.

To me, if you can't think of anything now -- then maybe its a brainstorm you two need to do together -- this should be something you do together -- not you as a sub make a list of what you think he may like and he do einie minie miney moe on your list. As a slave THAT would not make me feel like HE was the one in control.

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 6/6/2009 6:04:09 AM >

_____________________________

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson

(in reply to IrishMist)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 6:09:09 AM

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The reason he has asked me to do this "list" has been discussed...

He wants me/us to think outside the square, as it is this thinking that lead us to this lifestyle, and he is doing his own list..but he wanted mine to be more researched. also, just between you all and me, think he wants me to just sit..as we have a hectic lifestyle and i have not had time to sit most of the day... i know he thinks that if he set me a task at my laptop i will just sit with a cup of tea and enjoy myself..as it is 11pm here and he has left for work

(in reply to barelynangel)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 6:12:05 AM

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Well ya know he can simply order you to sit and have a cup of tea relax or make down time for a while after he leaves. And call it what it is -- your time to relax. See you have to think outside the box of what YOU know of each other.

put that down lol on your list.

Seriously, review your daily life with him. Look at what you two do together and apart and then ask yourself, is there a way i could make this more fun, interesting, relaxing, or better for us, him, me within the dynamic we naturally have as sub and Master. Oh and you don't need to leave the sex and play stuf only for the weekends with no kids, there are ways to subtly integrate same into your lives as i am sure you know -- waggle eyebrows.

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 6/6/2009 6:16:39 AM >

_____________________________

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson

(in reply to MistressSunny)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 7:04:02 AM

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You asked for advice. One of the simplest things to get you into the right mindset is a title, be it Sir, Daddy, Honey, or whatever the two of you are comfortable with in front of the kids. You showing their father respect obviously is not going to hurt them in any way. (I think it's wonderful that you're already feeling more settled within yourself.)

There are other small things you could do. For instance, at a shared meal you could set a pattern of not taking the first bite of food until after he does. That's not obvious to onlookers but will be a special bond between the two of you. You could get in the habit of drying him off after a shower or bath when you are free to. There are many ways that you can pamper him and show respect.

It sounds like you two will have a lot of fun exploring this. I wish you the very best.

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RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 7:10:08 AM

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thank you chamber queen....these are just the suggestions i was after... i would never have thought of the eating second one...very much appreciated..it is now on the list

we have already come up with verbal cues..ie when he want me to sits at his feet he will tell me that im his girl... something the kids hear alot.. and when he is wanting space he will call me sweetheart. But since we are new to this we are looking for alot of variety we can add over time to keep things interesting just like you do for a nilla reltionship... so thanks for your input

(in reply to chamberqueen)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 7:15:11 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressSunny

The reason he has asked me to do this "list" has been discussed...

He wants me/us to think outside the square, as it is this thinking that lead us to this lifestyle, and he is doing his own list..but he wanted mine to be more researched. also, just between you all and me, think he wants me to just sit..as we have a hectic lifestyle and i have not had time to sit most of the day... i know he thinks that if he set me a task at my laptop i will just sit with a cup of tea and enjoy myself..as it is 11pm here and he has left for work

Ok I don't see a problem with you researching and seeing what other people do in their D/s life, hell sometimes we just get a brain freeze and need a jump start.

So some of the things that He requires of me in our day to day living are :-)

I put two outfits out, he chooses from them, sometimes he will mix and match them :-)

I turn down his side of the bed before he retires for the evening

I make sure the coffee machine is all set to go first thing in the morning

I wear matching underwear, G-string and Bra around the house (unless His um's are here) then i wear clothes <G>

When i return to the house after being out for the day, i have a ritual that i perform when i enter the house.

Other than that, the rest of it is common sense :-) my job is to make sure he is happy and i please him :-)

_____________________________

Guide me into a brand new day
In Your eyes You know i've found my place

(in reply to MistressSunny)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 8:02:44 AM

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Hello Sunny:

I'm going to agree with colouredin. It sounds to me like you're doing the right things right. We did a similar transition and for us, what worked, is going slow and expanding the dominance one area at a time, letting the trust, knowledge, and skill (on both parts) grow carefully.

Insofar as the um's, I pretty much separate D/s from sex play. So yeah, no getting tied up on a cross in the living room with um's present. But at least for us, sexuality is not the heart of our 24/7 dynamic, it's obedience and service. And those things are readily done quietly and in a purely vanilla-approved way :)

Stick with patience. Be willing to back up a step or two along the way as needed. Talk a lot. It'll be fine. For Carol and I, it was much much better than fine.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to MistressSunny)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 8:30:56 AM

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Sunny, I and my girl went thru this when she was newly collared.

We tried rules and stuff, but really, it's in your heart, not on a piece of paper.

You're obviously well acquainted with keeping STUFF hidden and using code to stay under te radar of the UM's...

I'm having trouble working out what bit of the 24/7 lifestyle you're actually having problems with. Keeping it fresh? There's a good load of things to be done. Problem is, you're doing most of 'em or happily on top of 'em.

So long as you keep singing from the same sheet and you remember your place,all will be good.

_____________________________

I tell you this: No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

(in reply to leadership527)

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