RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "normal" house

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RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 9:00:45 AM

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Some other very non-obvious things:

Bow at the waist when giving him something you have brought him. A drink or a plate or whatever. Most just reach down and hand it over, a slight bow will not be thought much of, but the significance is there.

Find a gesture that can be used for asking permission to leave the room when you are around others. Fox and I do this, since we spend a lot of time with his family and they do not know the nature of our relationship. It is something simple, for him its a thumb point out of the room, but he will not leave until I nod ok. They just assume he is letting me know he is leaving, not asking permission.

Always serve him first, if you are up getting anything for you both. If necessary, bring him his and then go back for yours, or absently forget yours in the other room. Even around Fox's family, he will wait until I have mine before he starts is (usually drinks)

DV

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(in reply to Fitznicely)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 9:06:08 AM

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There have been a lot of good suggestions given already. Some decisions that will things a little easier are deciding how far do you want to go and the extremes because of your current situation with um's in the house.

I am collared and married to my Master and Daddy, Lumus. We live a 24/7 D/s dynamic, complete with 4 yo Mr. Smarties in the house. However, our dynamic is at times so discreet and subtle that most people don't catch it, even though I wear my collar every day. (A black patent leather dog collar complete with crystal buckle and heart.) I do things around our place to make HIS life easier, to ease the LOAD off of Him, so that He doesn't have to worry about the little things. And I do my share with the big things too, we have a lot on our plates right now. An example of our day would be me getting up to turn off the alarms, snuggling back into bed to wake Him gently and nicely (a good blow job does wonders for waking a Man up) then while He gets ready for work, I pour His coffee and have it ready for Him, make His lunch and prepare His travel coffee mug so He has fresh homemade coffee to take into work. (He's particular about His coffee and likes it super-strong so I make it HIS way and send some in with Him.)

During the day, I do the chores that need to be done, dishes, laundry, vacuuming, tidying, caring for the cats and making sure dinner is started so we eat at a decent time for the family, usually between 5-6 pm. I fix His favourite meals, cooked to His preference. I always serve the kidlet first so the meal can cool then serve Daddy and make sure He has anything He might need like salt, pepper, a drink, bread and butter, that sort of thing, before I start on my own dinner. Because of issues Daddy has had with previous partners, I make sure that we stay under budget, bills get paid, the house runs as smoothly as possible and that HIS pleasure and satisfaction come first. Many a day happens that all He has to do is perhaps take the heavier garbage out (I have a bad shoulder right now) or if anything heavy needs lifting, I can ask for His help. IN return, I am loved and cherished, when having a bad day, Daddy will ask me how the bank accounts are doing and if they're in good enough shape, will order in for us so that I don't have to cook or clean the kitchen that night. He cuddles me close all night and is there when I need Him. He understands me like no one else ever has - including my own family.

When we are out and about, people just see that we have an "old-fashioned, traditional marriage", something like from the Victorian age or 50's. We have our looks and light touches that speak volumns to us but say not a word to other people. A discreet tug on my hair can tell me if Daddy is very pleased with me or if I should expect a spanking later on. While I choose my daily clothing, when I shop, I make sure it's something that Daddy will enjoy seeing. I do the same with my hair and makeup, because I wish to please Him.

"Rules" are few and far between but there are some. He doesn't like it when I talk with other male dominants without Him around because He knows that I can be a bit on the trusting and naive side. I tend to believe in the good in people first, unless someone really shows their stupidity or assholiness. We're open in all communications so He knows who I am talking with and I know who He is talking with. (There was an issue with communication with a previous partner, hence it's critical for us.) I don't go spill our troubles all over the interwebz without talking with Him first. Really, if I have a problem with HIM, wouldn't it be logical to talk with HIM first? Rather than on a forum or bitch on Facebook about it? So it's talk with Him first, then the girlfriends.....

So this is just a slice of our life here. As I said, we're more about D/s and subtlety. It's there, just most people never catch on. Though it's funny how many people comment that they wish they had a marriage like ours!

_____________________________

"I have sold my soul to the devil for You, will You still love me when I am soiled, stained and souless in my love for You?
Or is this the beginning of the end?"
Proud member of the Clan Scarlett O'Hair

(in reply to Fitznicely)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 9:12:24 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressSunny

Hi everyone,

My Hubby ( and Master ) and I have been married for 2 1/2 years now and our nilla relationship is very solid. We play D/s but now we are wanting in our everyday lives where it will fit into our family life as well. We have thought about starting with chore and task setting ( of which i am doing now) and going from there. We decided we need some ground rules but are unsure where to start. Does anyone have some advice/links that may be of some help to us.

We started tonight with some simple things like running a bath for Master before he went to bed, waking him in a certain way ( as he is about to head off for night shift) and having a few things done for him. i am already feeling calmer and more "whole" and he is loving having this control over me, as the prospect of doing this 24/7 is alot more exciting than the weekend here and there that we have done in the past.

Thanks in advance for your advice and certain humor about this

sunny
He has also asked me to research and get some advice on this avenue we are wanting to take together.

Good old fashion common sense, subtle things when the kids are around....not so subtle when they are not.....Y'all will figure it out

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(in reply to MistressSunny)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 9:28:53 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressSunny

We have some experiance with weekend D/s scenes working with nilla ppl around..including he kids being around. As a switch, Master allows me my bois..who are fully aware of our relationship. I have had my inlaws for dinner and no one suspected a thing except myself, Master and my boi so we have experiance in melding it seemlessly into our lives.. but it is the basic rules, structure for more sustained control we are having difficulty setting up.

Am I making any sense?

You certainly are to me. I think you've received some fair advice in this thread thus far. It certainly can be done, but almost always at the cost of intensity; the tactile, organic elements of structure suffer when they must constantly be disguised, blunted or put away for the sake of keeping up the facade of convention. This is especially true if there is a family present in the household.

For some, this isn't too great a problem; they have found ways to reconcile the two portions of their lives and feel content with that. For others, it feels stifling and will never work. I think it really has a lot to do with the respective psychology of the parties involved and what level of openness is needed to sustain the dynamic. With some creativity and effective communication it can work, but there will always be a limitation; a shape for them to fit in.

I suppose this could be waved away as a microcosm of our social lives, that we can and in fact should be used to it, just by example of stepping out on the front lawn. In a society that is increasingly sensitized toward sexual equality and abuse, it's easy to understand why a Master wouldn't want to strike his girl in plain view of our gentle public, for instance. Most can understand the principle of think and do as you will, but always consider what you appear to be to others—and act accordingly—but the home is the one promised temple in our lives where we should be able to privately unfold and simply be. To endure further constraint in this place can be the tipping point. I don't necessarily have any advice to give, but I did want to say that I admire those who have found a way around the cudgel of social conformity without sacrificing their roles or personal fulfillment. It's always interesting to read about the strategies designed or improvised to address the matter.

(in reply to MistressSunny)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 10:04:40 AM

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Laying out clothing and assembling schoolbags is one that is good to start with the ums, as it makes your mornings easier and puts them into good habits. I would say the question to ask is, "I love him and want to express this through service; where in my day can I do this?"

When my husband gets up, his meds and his soda are sitting there beside his computer, waiting for him, and his uniform for work and his street clothes are there for him too, for example.

One thing you can use to explain it to your ums is that by laying out daddy's clothes for tomorrow for him you are doing "I love you" rather than saying it. The concept of doing "I love you" is one that has proved unexpectedly useful in dealing with ums, who like the notion of doing, not just saying.

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RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 11:52:12 AM

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we have 4 boys. we limit our play time to when they're not home, but the D/s dynamic can be very subtly played out inb front of others without giving them much to think about. consider a 50's style household arrangement. leave it to beaver had some redeeming qualities.

PM

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RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 1:23:03 PM

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Get a shed
seriously
now windows, heavy locking doors, that sort of thing
Next part is very very important
Soundproof the Shed!

and now, with some furniture you have a safe play space for when the lil ones are at a friends house, that doesnt make you stress that you may forget to pick up a length of rope or something stupid like that.
Dont know if it helps or not, but here, we have a spare room set up that way, I live in a place that is heavily insulated ((Even the interioir walls for some reason)) so soundproof is easier to get.
When I gots the lil one here for the weekend we get by with strict schedules and rules, jus like when we had the roomates
Showering together can be a very good thing, and running water hides a multitude of sounds... Just be sure to take vacations from the rest of your life when you need to

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(in reply to Fitznicely)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 3:30:42 PM

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Sir and i have five ums between Uus ranging from 4 to 11. They don't all live with Uus all the time (mine do 4 and 6), and they all sleep heavily when they are here anyhow. The point is however that there are many subtle things you can do that suit your life and will fit in with it in any situation. eg one thing that i always do that none of the ums bats an eyelid at is take off His shoes and massage His feet for Him when He gets in. Totally incongruous, but in reality it is part of Oour M/s dynamic.

Think what will easily fit in with your life (that He will enjoy and appreciate) and make it a ritual or rule, it creates special time between you no matter who is around.

Have fun

gabrielle x

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RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/6/2009 7:01:28 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressSunny

Hi everyone,

My Hubby ( and Master ) and I have been married for 2 1/2 years now and our nilla relationship is very solid. We play D/s but now we are wanting in our everyday lives where it will fit into our family life as well. We have thought about starting with chore and task setting ( of which i am doing now) and going from there. We decided we need some ground rules but are unsure where to start. Does anyone have some advice/links that may be of some help to us.

We started tonight with some simple things like running a bath for Master before he went to bed, waking him in a certain way ( as he is about to head off for night shift) and having a few things done for him. i am already feeling calmer and more "whole" and he is loving having this control over me, as the prospect of doing this 24/7 is alot more exciting than the weekend here and there that we have done in the past.

Thanks in advance for your advice and certain humor about this

sunny
He has also asked me to research and get some advice on this avenue we are wanting to take together.

Very nice.

(in reply to MistressSunny)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/7/2009 4:13:47 AM

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Thanks to everyone for thier comments and suggestions.

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/7/2009 12:51:35 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressSunny

"It could be as simple as him giving you a list of meals he wants during the week, or picking your underwear."

These are the kind of ideas we are looking for... the types of things he can ask me to do..as our wekend plays have been all about the sex, play and this has been when our kids have been away... we are afte the more sublte things he can ask of me.... ie he has asked me for a list of things for him to pick from....man.. its late and i cant think....sry for seeming all over the plave

The one thing that really brings our daily D/s into focus for cubby and I is the "ritual" and formality of certain things. A ritual can be very simple, or it can be elaborate. I'll give a few examples:

* cubby does not have to kneel to serve a drink to Me if there are "witnesses"... but he DOES have to use both hands (one hand palm up with the glass balanced on the palm, with the other hand around it to stabilize it). By using both hands, he is focusing on me totally and there is nothing casual or offhand about what he's doing. Great thing is, he can do this in front of ANYONE.

* When one of us has been out of the house (work, running errands, whatever) we have a greeting ritual where he goes to a specific place in our bedroom and kneels until I acknowledge him. He has a basic "script" where he experesses that he is happy to be united with Me again, maybe ask about My day, etc.

* He runs My bath, rubs My back, gives Me pedicures, etc.

*He has the task of learning My specific likes and dislikes in restaurants. He prepares the sugar and cream in My coffee, makes sure I have lemon for My tea, butters My rolls, etc. Once in a while a waitress will notice, but it isn't high on the weirdness meter. If we are at a buffet, he usually gets Mine for Me unless I am in a picky mood and let him know I will do it.

* He reports daily to Me about car maintenance, home maintenance, social schedule, work schedule if it changes drastically, finances, etc. At that time, we discuss things that need to be adjusted, plan things that need to be done, and I give any instructions necessary for the next day or near future.

The important thing for us is that we have TANGIBLE ways to demonstrate that it is MY will at all times while he still has room to maneuver and make decisions he needs to make for our family's benefit.

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Athens, Ga.
House of Phoenix

"Nothing is ever final until you're dead - and even then I'm sure God negotiates" Anjelica Huston in Everafter

(in reply to MistressSunny)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/9/2009 10:54:44 AM

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i am not sure how to do this so my last reply was to the original poster so sorry for any confussion

(in reply to playme2)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/9/2009 10:54:55 AM

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quote:

what is more normal than a wife submitting to their husband?

nothing at all...if that is what she chooses to do.

And a UM is an Unmentionable...a term for minors

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RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/9/2009 10:55:42 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: playme2

normal... what is more normal than a wife submitting to their husband? how many centuries?

by the way what the heck is UM?

The above bolded is a potential crock of shit. Given the fact that many cultures, over the centuries have been female led.

As for UM, note the part of your writing I deleted and go read TOS.

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RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/9/2009 10:58:37 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

quote:

ORIGINAL: playme2

normal... what is more normal than a wife submitting to their husband?

The above bolded is a potential crock of shit.

damnit LadyT...i wish you would start to say how you really feel

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RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/9/2009 11:01:19 AM

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I know Holly, I hold back wayyyy too much don't I?

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to sirsholly)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/9/2009 10:37:04 PM

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Thanks to everyone that has responded.... but alot of you have not seen the point of this thread.. and I am sad to see it go down the path of "not playing nice".

I did not ask if ppl approved or condoned the choices Master and I have made.. i was simply after some ideas of things to do that would not seem strange to anyone if we had them in our home.

Some ideas I receied were things like not taking the first bite when eating ( something we have already started using and Master loves this one) and serving him first. These are the kind of things I am after, not your ideas on if it is right or wrong.

Please save the dissagreements for another thread

Sunny

< Message edited by MistressSunny -- 6/9/2009 10:38:27 PM >

(in reply to playme2)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/10/2009 8:24:58 AM

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Sunny, since you're new here and may not know some of the regular posters like LaT and holly, trust me when I say that that was NOT a disagreement or flame session. It was bantering and responses, not fighting. Both are much respected, even when we don't agree with a post. The important thing is to take what you can from the posts and ignore what you don't need or want. It's the polite thing to do that we help out new posters like playme2 and yourself so you can learn and understand some things about the boards. Or we can be asses and just let newbs look like assholes, which, if they are, is fine but there are other cases where that's not true. Let's not let first impressions and misundertandings get in the way of communications.

No one has 'judged' you, we all have our own dynamics. LaT disagreed with a general statement from holly, that is all. From what you have posted, it sounds like holly and myself have similar dynamics to yours but that could be a guesstimate. LaT is a Dominant and has her own dynamics which are different.

Please trust me when I say you'll know a fight on these boards when you see it.And yes, you've gotten some great responses, I hope they helped you.

(edited to add a missing word....)

< Message edited by Rainfire -- 6/10/2009 8:27:14 AM >

_____________________________

"I have sold my soul to the devil for You, will You still love me when I am soiled, stained and souless in my love for You?
Or is this the beginning of the end?"
Proud member of the Clan Scarlett O'Hair

(in reply to MistressSunny)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/10/2009 8:30:40 AM

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One thing that my girl always does, even when surrounded by others is always making sure to get me a drink or something if I look thirsty, or she is getting up... To an outside observer she just seems sweet ((Which is true))

Don't worry, nobody got in a real arguement yet :P

_____________________________

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The nicest man you'll ever bleed for

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The Rainmaker

(in reply to Rainfire)

RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 6/10/2009 8:32:49 AM

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Actually Holly and I were in perfect agreement, as I read it. It was the absolutes that Playme2 wrote, that both she and I tweaked.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Rainfire)

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