Noah
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Joined: 7/5/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MarcEsadrian
... It certainly can be done, but almost always at the cost of intensity; the tactile, organic elements of structure suffer when they must constantly be disguised, blunted or put away for the sake of keeping up the facade of convention. This is especially true if there is a family present in the household.
For some, this isn't too great a problem; they have found ways to reconcile the two portions of their lives and feel content with that. For others, it feels stifling and will never work....
And there are still others who take an all together different view.
A BDSM relationship can proceed seamlessly between the the exclusive intimacy of two, the less exclusive but still private interactions in the home with others present, and out into the public sphere--all with no non-participants the wiser.
No cause for "reconciling" if both parties choose to revel in the secret meanings of actions undertaken in the presence of others. A shared secret can be exciting in itself. This "limitation" can add to rather than subtract from the experience, for some of us, bending the very notion of limitation in a delicious way.
The carefully protracted sharing of such secrets between just two can be a powerful bonding agent and ever-present catalyst for a vibrant, intentional engagement with the present moment, whatever the setting.
It needn't be seen as drudgery or something second-best.
This is true if both parties choose to orient themselves this way. I don't suggest that to do so is superior or inferior. As you suggest, the respective psycholgies of the individuals involved may impose a sort of meta-limitation on the ways in which these individuals can make best use of the external, social limitations at the heart of this thread.
Rather, the orientaion I describe is offered as a potentially wonderful alternative to the "for some .. for others" range of two options advanced in your response (and I note that you made no claim to be giving an exhaustive view of the terrain; you may agree in seeing the two scenarios you described as just two among several possibilities.)
I think you spoke of home as a place to "just be", so to speak.
The sort of constant, careful intentionality I have tried to point to can be just as fulfilling a way to "just be" as a careless and unselfconscious lolling around, in my view. The original poster seems busy cooperating to construct a life with appropriate amounts of both sorts of being.
I hope so, because I think these are both lovely ways to "be" at home, perhaps among several others.
quote:
I think it really has a lot to do with the respective psychology of the parties involved and what level of openness is needed to sustain the dynamic. With some creativity and effective communication it can work, but there will always be a limitation; a shape for them to fit in.
I agree on all counts. As for the limitations, BDSM can help us to appreciate the seemingly paradoxical freedoms found not just in the presence of limitations but arising directly from limitations.
And I think that's pretty cool.
Thanks to Marc and all for a nice thread.
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RE: How to make a D/s relationship work in a "norm... - 
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