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They need to keep their stupid "gifts" - 7/17/2009 11:01:19 AM

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When a sub gives you a PRESENT (one you did not ask for - OR, he asks, "What can I send you as a gift?") then later makes you feel like you owe him, how do you handle that? I don't like feeling obligated. I really resent it when a guy gifts a gift that I did not ask for and then holds it up or keeps kind of mentioning it. It seems some subs are so used to "tributes" = play, that they can give a gift and have strings attached.

How do you tactfully tell them, "Thank you for the gift, but I am not going to do S&M with you"?

Akasha

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RE: They need to keep their stupid "gifts" - 7/17/2009 11:07:40 AM

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I keep it simple. I don't want anything from them... from service, housecleaning or gifts. If someone wants to send me a gift and asks... I will have the chance to set things straight. If he gives me a gift or does something... all is required of me if I accept it is a thank you. I don't feel guilty or in debt because someone is being kind or manipulative. If I did, he/she would have some control over how I felt. Someone trying to impress me in such a way might actually piss me off more than anything else. So I either handle how I feel or control what happens so that I don't have to deal with or handle some emotional feelings or a situation I didn't ask for or promote. They are not going to make me feel too much before I call a hault to it all... unless I want to feel something! lol

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RE: They need to keep their stupid "gifts" - 7/17/2009 11:09:36 AM

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just like that.

"Thank you for the gift, but I am not interested in exploring anything more than a casual acquaintance with you."

It's firm, yet polite.

Or, there is the option of , " I am not comfortable in accepting a gift from you, as I have no interest in anything more than a casual acquaintance with you. Please donate it to the charity of your choice."

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RE: They need to keep their stupid "gifts" - 7/17/2009 11:10:49 AM

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Gifts can be funny things. All too often people give them with expectations of reciprocation then get upset when they get nothing in return. I've had friends like that. Friends no longer.

To me, a gift is something freely given. The ONLY reciprocation I want, is for the person I gave it to, to enjoy it.

I don't think there is a good way to handle the first time. All you can do is not accept any more gifts, at least not from that person.

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RE: They need to keep their stupid "gifts" - 7/17/2009 11:11:21 AM

MistressEllen444

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Just like some men expect something just for taking you to dinner, some subs do expect play for gifts, no matter they are not wanted/needed/requested.
I believe it is best to make a statement up front when something you did not expect is presented so there are no hard feelings and discomfort for anyone.
Now, if a sub is thoughtful and listens and presents something that has some meaning to me, no matter how slight, it will go a long way toward him receiving attention, but that is someone who has taken the time to get to know me, so we would be already playing or well on the way to establishing that connection. I never spend time with subs who I do not care for, so an unwanted gift would probably only be on a first or early meeting.
Feelings of any obligation is your choice and so is the resulting action(s).
Of course, things such as sports cars and luxury vacations may take a bit of difficulty to divorce any feelings of obligation, but I am sure with a little meditation I could find a way to work around that.

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RE: They need to keep their stupid "gifts" - 7/17/2009 11:13:55 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Gifts can be funny things. All too often people give them with expectations of reciprocation then get upset when they get nothing in return. I've had friends like that. Friends no longer.

To me, a gift is something freely given. The ONLY reciprocation I want, is for the person I gave it to, to enjoy it.

I don't think there is a good way to handle the first time. All you can do is not accept any more gifts, at least not from that person.

I don't want to be rude to someone. If they are clearly kind of hinting at play or in the process of thanking them they start posturing submissive and looking for me to react in kind, it's just awkward and uncomfortable. It feels like it's so obligatory sometimes. But like I said, I think so many subs believe that the ritual is in place - if you want a femdom to dominate you, you send her a gift and when she thank you, that's when the "scene" starts.

But I realize this is my own issue and problem, no one is making me feel anything, obviously. I'll just have to work through it.
Akasha

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RE: They need to keep their stupid "gifts" - 7/17/2009 11:21:55 AM

subtlebutterfly

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Could try putting upfront the difference you believe there is between tributes and presents...

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RE: They need to keep their stupid "gifts" - 7/17/2009 11:44:09 AM

Arpig

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Or you could just refuse the gift in the first place.

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RE: They need to keep their stupid "gifts" - 7/17/2009 12:33:05 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: purepleasure

just like that.

"Thank you for the gift, but I am not interested in exploring anything more than a casual acquaintance with you."

It's firm, yet polite.

Or, there is the option of , " I am not comfortable in accepting a gift from you, as I have no interest in anything more than a casual acquaintance with you. Please donate it to the charity of your choice."

Absolutely! Additionally I would NEVER ask for a gift, seems too much like begging to me. Somebody giving a gift better understands that it is that, with no strings attached.

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RE: They need to keep their stupid "gifts" - 7/17/2009 1:36:35 PM

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Oh good grief! Absolutely! If you have to ask for it, it isn't a gift.

The closest thing we come to that in my world is when we ask one another what needed or desired, for birthdays and Christmas. And that is more of a "I am going to get you a present whether you want me to or not, so......is there anything special you would like or something you really need?"

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RE: They need to keep their stupid "gifts" - 7/17/2009 1:49:25 PM

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Exactly my take, if you think you can buy me with a gift, sorry, I don't want it, asked for or with obligations it is not a gift. In case that is your motivation, take the money and spend it on a professional domme (nothing wrong with it) or sign up to a paid website where you get training (same thing with the tribute in my eyes) and go for the sure fire thing, it's an honest transaction, a service for X amount of money.

I accept gifts the same way I give them, with no strings attached!

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RE: They need to keep their stupid "gifts" - 7/17/2009 2:02:39 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

When a sub gives you a PRESENT (one you did not ask for - OR, he asks, "What can I send you as a gift?") then later makes you feel like you owe him, how do you handle that? I don't like feeling obligated. I really resent it when a guy gifts a gift that I did not ask for and then holds it up or keeps kind of mentioning it. It seems some subs are so used to "tributes" = play, that they can give a gift and have strings attached.

How do you tactfully tell them, "Thank you for the gift, but I am not going to do S&M with you"?

Akasha

I can't see how this is any different from everyday vanilla assholery. Some men think "if I (insert anything simulating decent or nice behavior) she is obligated/expected to (insert whatever they desire, sexual or not)".

If I can tell the male is that way, I don't accept the gift.
If I find out after accepting that he is, I tell him flatly that that's not how it works and to go fuck himself, either in polite phrasings or in those words.

If they are just bringing it up again and and again, as some do, just because they are looking to get patted on the back for it or are striving to be pleasing, then I've more patience.

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RE: They need to keep their stupid "gifts" - 7/17/2009 2:33:17 PM

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I've noticed quite a few tribute dommes' profiles in which they make it abundantly clear that a 'good and real sub' is one who recognises that he must pay a tribute. I could imagine a submale thinking that this is 'just the way it is, so that's how I should be'. It's all quite squalid, really.

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RE: They need to keep their stupid "gifts" - 7/17/2009 3:00:13 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: purepleasure

just like that.

"Thank you for the gift, but I am not interested in exploring anything more than a casual acquaintance with you."

It's firm, yet polite.

Or, there is the option of , " I am not comfortable in accepting a gift from you, as I have no interest in anything more than a casual acquaintance with you. Please donate it to the charity of your choice."

I wouldn't go for either of those. The gifter will protest that the gift is, of course, entirely without strings attached. It still puts the recipient in an awkward position because, though she may well suspect the giver is BSing, she won't know for certain and won't want to hurt his feelings in the (perhaps small) chance that he's giving a genuinely stringless gift.

The best thing, I think, is to adopt a blanket policy of 'I don't accept gifts'. A man who really is on good terms with the recipient might not take any notice and get her a gift anyway - but she won't care but she'll know him well enough to trust that it comes from 'the right place' in him.

On a much more general point:

I think women see an awful lot of low sorts of things from men. Thus, they get cynical. On the other hand, they know that some men - a few, maybe - aren't like that. The last thing in the world women want to do is stamp on the feelings of good men. It'd be like kicking a diamond into the gutter.

It's a bastard, really. As I often think: I'm bloody glad I'm not a woman.

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RE: They need to keep their stupid "gifts" - 7/17/2009 3:11:09 PM

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It is easy to become cynical, but I cannot lay all of it on the men. I've seen plenty of crud on the female side also.

Personally, I think it is a certain percentage of both that taint the whole lot.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: They need to keep their stupid "gifts" - 7/17/2009 3:20:00 PM

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True, and if you lay out the rules that you will not accept gifts with strings and they still send them, their problem! Where is the problem? I would handle it the same no matter if the gift giver is a man or a woman. There is a difference between a tribute or the price to sign up to a webpage and somebody trying to manipulate you for the price of a present, I don't do well with passive aggressiveness.

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RE: They need to keep their stupid "gifts" - 7/17/2009 3:26:36 PM

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I have some men around me in person who see something at my place that needs attention from a storm or something or who I call upon when I find a deal on tree's or something. Some have been paid, some have been paid very little because they wouldn't accept more and some were just being helpful. Did they hope for more? Maybe. But they were told all along what I am into and that isn't a quick lay or just some fun. Did they come back and help out or work for me? Yes, and with no mention of anything other than the project at hand. I told them things from the start to make sure things weren't a form of barter system I would not want to take part in.

I see the good things that men do in person and am not jaded at all in person. Online... I tend to be more jaded. I cannot be bought. I can be impressed, but it takes an all round kind of thing to impress me. A gift or a deed just isn't all I am looking for and if there is more than that offered... then we are working on being impressed.

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RE: They need to keep their stupid "gifts" - 7/17/2009 3:33:04 PM

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So if I turned up and fixed everything in your home - just because I can, because I'm fjoeken brilliant at DIY and I don't like to see broken things - you'd not be impressed? OK, you don't need to do the hands clasped in front of chest and eyes fluttering thing, but a small noise of being impressed would go down well.

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RE: They need to keep their stupid "gifts" - 7/17/2009 3:41:51 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

So if I turned up and fixed everything in your home - just because I can, because I'm fjoeken brilliant at DIY and I don't like to see broken things - you'd not be impressed? OK, you don't need to do the hands clasped in front of chest and eyes fluttering thing, but a small noise of being impressed would go down well.

I'd be delighted, offer you dinner, possibly take you out for drinks and thank you lots and lots. Though if you would try to hold it over my face as "I owe your arse now, dominate me as I tell you I want to be dommed" I would possibly pay you, in hard coin, meaning I tie you to the fridge and throw money at you, in coins and aim at places where it would hurt, in a non-kinky way...

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RE: They need to keep their stupid "gifts" - 7/17/2009 3:59:22 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

So if I turned up and fixed everything in your home - just because I can, because I'm fjoeken brilliant at DIY and I don't like to see broken things - you'd not be impressed? OK, you don't need to do the hands clasped in front of chest and eyes fluttering thing, but a small noise of being impressed would go down well.

LOL... I would be impressed and I think you know it! We must consider who is doing what and what we know of them too you know! You can't compare the people or situations when some are more known to us than others. lol You would have my attention that is for sure. Some I just direct and some I stand and watch! You would be watched, especially if you wore little beyond that tool belt. So now I am greedy and what's the word I am looking for... hum... well, I am sure you can fill in the blank! lol

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