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RE: Need some help please! - 8/7/2009 12:31:22 PM   
HarderToBreathe2


Posts: 181
Status: offline 		Wow, bitter much??  You certainly have a right to your opinion given that I posted this in a public forum, but I also have a right to my opinion... and my opinion is that you're an ass.

(in reply to Leonidas)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Need some help please! - 8/7/2009 12:33:24 PM   
HarderToBreathe2


Posts: 181
Status: offline 		Yeah, I actually read and replied to your post on this subject in the other forum.  :)

(in reply to NihilusZero)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Need some help please! - 8/7/2009 12:37:20 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HarderToBreathe2

Wow, bitter much??  You certainly have a right to your opinion given that I posted this in a public forum, but I also have a right to my opinion... and my opinion is that you're an ass.

Actually, I think a more Gorean viewpoint is a refreshing counterpoint to this discussion and that, if you can get away from the personal defensiveness to his comments, you'll find that it's a perfectly acceptable view to consider certain degrees of baggage inconvenient.

The last thing you want to do is take in only the coddling views of your situation to where you are missing the point entirely: that your issues will be something that will shoo away a lot of Dominants who don't want a digging escapade to get to the consistent submissiveness of their potential partner.

This is why the distinction between "good match" and "good guy" is so important...because Leonidas' disdain for having to deal with such issues doesn't make him a not-"good guy", it would only make him a not-"good match".

Good Dominants are not just measured by their willingness to be lenient beyond their desires and wishes.

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 8/7/2009 12:38:52 PM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to HarderToBreathe2)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Need some help please! - 8/7/2009 12:43:25 PM   
HarderToBreathe2


Posts: 181
Status: offline
quote:

BIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG applause!!!!

It never ceases to amaze me how many women, vanilla and submissive, are surprised to learn that what you've said in the first paragraph of the two I made bold above is actually true.

To the OP...either you are playing games or you have some serious issues that need to be dealt with. Answer which one is true within yourself and then get some help to quit doing whichever one it is. Get the help before you seek out another guy because I honestly don't think you will find the one who will hang in there long enough to get you past your "uncertain, relationship-destroying" phase unless you find a saint or a white knight with the patience and wisdom of a saint and tis not fair to keep hurting others and damaging their egos on your quest.


I know. :( 

I honestly don't feel that I'm playing games, unless it is a subconscious testing of him to see if he cares about me. 

I won't argue with the fact that I probably deserve to be reemed out here, and even if it hurts to hear it, I do invite the truth as you and others may see it. 

The things is, I KNOW what would make me feel comfortable enough not to freak out and bail.  I just feel it would be asking for too much to ask for it. 

I feel terribly about the possibility that I hurt this guy, I really do.  But there is no way for me to make amends or make him feel better at this point, I don't think.  At the very least, I think he understands where all of this has come from, and I spent equal if not more time being sweet and open and communicative and letting him know how much I like him.  I guess I didn't make that clear anywhere else in this forum, but it's the truth.  I'm not a mean or cold-hearted person.  I just get in these moods where I shut down and blah blah blah, everything I stated above.  The rest of the time, I am not that way.  It's like when a girl has PMS and she becomes a totally different, less pleasant person for a couple days, ya know?  Her outlook on things is different because she's PMS'ing.  My outlook on things is different because I'm shut down and untrusting.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Need some help please! - 8/7/2009 12:47:51 PM   
Leonidas


Posts: 2078
Joined: 2/16/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HarderToBreathe2
I also have a right to my opinion... and my opinion is that you're an ass.


Best news I've had all week.  Thank you.

_____________________________

Take care of yourself

Leonidas

(in reply to HarderToBreathe2)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Need some help please! - 8/7/2009 12:49:38 PM   
HarderToBreathe2


Posts: 181
Status: offline 		Yeah yeah, you've made your point.

(in reply to Leonidas)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Need some help please! - 8/7/2009 12:55:25 PM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

Ya know, when I first started this post, I felt like all of this was entirely my fault. That he was behaving perfectly, and I however was not. I'm coming to realize that it's not all my fault. He wasn't reassuring during moments when it was needed. It wasn't enough.
i have the feeling it was needed 24/7 with you.

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Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Need some help please! - 8/7/2009 1:00:36 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline 		I'm not stating this to be mean, just asking...

Have you ever sat down with a shrink or counselor and addressed (i) abandonment issues, and/or (ii) Borderline Personality Disorder? 

I'm asking this because your behavior seems to fit that pattern.  Not something you INTEND to do, but can't seem to stop yourself from doing.

Also, if only seeking boundaries in life (to keep you from driving into the ditch), but not the cuffs, whips, and such, you might want to look into a "Taken In Hand" (Domestic Discipline) type of dynamic instead of a BDSM type dynamic.



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(in reply to HarderToBreathe2)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Need some help please! - 8/7/2009 1:13:25 PM   
HarderToBreathe2


Posts: 181
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

Ya know, when I first started this post, I felt like all of this was entirely my fault. That he was behaving perfectly, and I however was not. I'm coming to realize that it's not all my fault. He wasn't reassuring during moments when it was needed. It wasn't enough.
i have the feeling it was needed 24/7 with you.


This is why I don't like to express insecurites, because it makes me seem needy.  I'm not saying you said something wrong or that I'm offended by what you said, not at all. 

I'd say that I normally don't need it 24/7... unless there is some kind of shift in the relationship, and then I need the extra reassurance.  Not to the point of 24/7, but just "until", which sometimes could take less than 5 minutes, just enough to connect and feel that things are okay.

(in reply to sirsholly)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Need some help please! - 8/7/2009 1:17:42 PM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HarderToBreathe2

I'd say that I normally don't need it 24/7... unless there is some kind of shift in the relationship, and then I need the extra reassurance. Not to the point of 24/7, but just "until", which sometimes could take less than 5 minutes, just enough to connect and feel that things are okay.




Generally there is a rule, if you need reassurance about a specific relationship then there is something wrong with the relationship if you need reassurance in ANY relationship then there is something wrong with you. Honestly ask yourself which it is

_____________________________

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Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to HarderToBreathe2)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Need some help please! - 8/7/2009 1:30:27 PM   
HarderToBreathe2


Posts: 181
Status: offline 		I think the bottom line, to sum it all up, is this...

I have *moments* of insecurities that are triggered by certain things (most often by things that feel familiar to something from past relationships).  And admittedly, I handle these moments very very poorly and end up making things way worse and more complicated than they need to be.  That's what I want to stop doing.  When I feel comfortable within the relationship, I'm much happier, and much more pleasant to be involved with. 

These moments just tend to take on a life of their own and make things messy because I don't know how to handle them.  After delving into this subject with you guys, I'm pretty sure there is a very easy fix.  Maybe not a perfect fix, but good enough that things don't take off in the wrong direction during one moment of uncertainty.  I just have to be brave enough to discuss it with someone, and the guy has to be understanding and accepting enough to be receptive to it.  I'm really just talking about something as simple as saying, "Hey, I'm feeling a bit weird about things, are we cool?"  And all he'd have to say is "Yes" or "Actually, such and such needs to be discussed." Or I could ask, "Hey, I was just wondering why you didn't call at your usual time today?" and he could (hopefully) not get mad and just let me know the reason.  The moment would then pass, and I wouldn't feel this rising anxiety that makes me do what I do. 

(in reply to HarderToBreathe2)
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RE: Need some help please! - 8/7/2009 1:34:38 PM   
HarderToBreathe2


Posts: 181
Status: offline
quote:

Generally there is a rule, if you need reassurance about a specific relationship then there is something wrong with the relationship if you need reassurance in ANY relationship then there is something wrong with you. Honestly ask yourself which it is


It's the latter.  This guy really did nothing wrong.  I mean, I really have to nit-pick to find anything he did that would so much as suggest that I might not be able to trust him.  He's a really great guy, it just was hard to see it at the moment of my saying things were over.  

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Need some help please! - 8/7/2009 1:50:54 PM   
SirLost


Posts: 142
Joined: 7/5/2009
Status: offline 		I didn't like Leonidas's manner and harshness at all, but can't help agreeing with something.

I had always believed girlfriends (or boyfriends for other cases) and other normal friends are there for me feeling myself better. Well, that's not something incorrect. But I had got so many unresolved psychological problems (which are the results of my suffering childhood years) inside my head that I was in a constant darkness. Was fallen in love with an imaginary woman, who would never exist. I was feeling a dreadful loneliness just because she wasn't real, I tried finding real girlfriends (not "real time", I was and still weak in R/T communication) in Yahell and I really had girlfriends who would love me as a husband candidade, but my relationships weren't lasting long due to my mental problems.  I wasn't able to think anything but that imaginary woman, the humilations I lived in past and my fears. My these thinkings would not only affect my sexual relationships, but also the ones with my close friends. I have a friend who is and was very close to me, she was taking care of me and my problems hoping to help me to get rid off it.

My condition and my friendship with her was going worse last year, I was so afraid of losing her friendship. Someday, during a tantrum, I accused her of something that she didn't and told her I didn't want to see her again. I regreted doing it, but it was all gone: Now she was the one who didn't want to continue it and she was thinking I was only a waste of time. I was trying to apologize and try to talk with her as rare as I could, she finally told me I was only a sack of pain to her and had no reason to afriend again.

This led me to review my last years and I've decided to change myself. It's another story, but I can say I am now someone much more stronger and got able to gain her friendship just because I have turned myself into a boy who can cheer his friends and I proved her this. My point is; it is a bitter fact of life, even though friends and girl/boyfriends are there to comfort us, they are just human beings who has a level of patience. I don't mean you were the one who was completely faulty in your previous relationships, but unresolved problems kill relationships.


< Message edited by SirLost -- 8/7/2009 1:52:05 PM >

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Need some help please! - 8/7/2009 2:17:23 PM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HarderToBreathe2

quote:

Generally there is a rule, if you need reassurance about a specific relationship then there is something wrong with the relationship if you need reassurance in ANY relationship then there is something wrong with you. Honestly ask yourself which it is


It's the latter. This guy really did nothing wrong. I mean, I really have to nit-pick to find anything he did that would so much as suggest that I might not be able to trust him. He's a really great guy, it just was hard to see it at the moment of my saying things were over.



Thats what I figured, and trust me I have been there many a time. I know it is a proper cliche but you have to like you. The person you should turn to for assurance is yourself.

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to HarderToBreathe2)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Need some help please! - 8/7/2009 2:25:25 PM   
daintydimples


Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

While you are working on this, the fact that you are aware about it and honest will help a great deal. Your baggage is essentially just like any other quirk in a relationship and if you're up front about it, then at least you are inviting the folks who are making the decision to make that upward climb with you.



I agree wholeheartedly. Most will deal with your baggage if you can be honest and upfront about it. Expecting a potential Dom to figure out your baggage on his own, and then figure out how best to respond to it....is not a realistic expectation. It's very passive/aggressive in it's own way. You say you don't want to appear needy. Here's a news flash: Dominants already know subs are needy. It's why they like them.

Admittedly there is a big different between needy and too needy, between having some trust issues and not being able to trust no matter what, between playing some head games with a person b/c you don't know where they are at, and playing huge games with yourself.

Everything you have said leads me to believe you should resolve your deep-seated trust issues before attempting another relationship.

I wish you the best, you sound like a nice person.


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Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?




(in reply to NihilusZero)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Need some help please! - 8/7/2009 2:32:58 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally


quote:

ORIGINAL: HarderToBreathe2

quote:

Generally there is a rule, if you need reassurance about a specific relationship then there is something wrong with the relationship if you need reassurance in ANY relationship then there is something wrong with you. Honestly ask yourself which it is


It's the latter. This guy really did nothing wrong. I mean, I really have to nit-pick to find anything he did that would so much as suggest that I might not be able to trust him. He's a really great guy, it just was hard to see it at the moment of my saying things were over.



Thats what I figured, and trust me I have been there many a time. I know it is a proper cliche but you have to like you. The person you should turn to for assurance is yourself.

I agree. And speaking for myself, about myself....the conversation I used to have going with myself was so loud that it used to drive out any commincation I was trying to have with a partner. It drove out any instructions iI was being given. It spoke according to a well worn script and insisted on acting out the same well worn scenarios.
At least I know myself enough now to have shut the fuck up sufficuently well to have heard what was and is being said to me. It's a better space to be in to be able to listen to both the rackets someone else is playing and the rackets i am playing. Eo be able to assess whether it is a win-win or a no-win situation.
In power exchange if one loses then both lose. 

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(in reply to LillyoftheVally)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Need some help please! - 8/7/2009 7:20:06 PM   
HarderToBreathe2


Posts: 181
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA

I'm not stating this to be mean, just asking...

Have you ever sat down with a shrink or counselor and addressed (i) abandonment issues, and/or (ii) Borderline Personality Disorder? 

I'm asking this because your behavior seems to fit that pattern.  Not something you INTEND to do, but can't seem to stop yourself from doing.

Also, if only seeking boundaries in life (to keep you from driving into the ditch), but not the cuffs, whips, and such, you might want to look into a "Taken In Hand" (Domestic Discipline) type of dynamic instead of a BDSM type dynamic.




Hi there, thanks so much for your thoughts.  Your post didn't show up for a while, said it needed to be approved for whatever reason.  In response to your points...

1.  I'm fairly certain that I'm not Borderline Personality.  For one thing, I've seen therapists in the past, and none of them even mentioned that as a possibility.  Also, I truly am very even-keel except when it comes to this ONE issue (anxiety in relationships).  Abandonment issues, however... this is without a doubt something that affects my relationships.  In fact, I'd say that sums up about 99% of it.

2.  I failed to mention it before, but I'm definitely into the bdsm stuff, bondage, pain, all that.  I didn't mention it because it didn't seem relevant to the topic, but yeah, I do want that within a good relationship.  I want the emotional connection first, as well as the mental D/s dynamic.


(in reply to MasterSlaveLA)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Need some help please! - 8/7/2009 7:31:41 PM   
Sunnyfey


Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline 		*peeks in*

You know I'm the most awesomeest dominator on the interwebz, I'd make you smile again!


Joking aside (I do hope you smiled at least), I do PROMISE there is the right Dom/Master out there for you. I might take a long search, of yourself for starters, have you ever really asked your self WHY you want to be a submissive? (no I'm not saying anything you said above makes you not a submissive..not questioning your motives here at all). The reason Iasked, is I know it really helped me with my abandonment issues, to really sit down and get at the core of my submissive side. It answered a lot of questions I had about myself.

Being sure of my self in that aspect (now anyway) and knowing what I could realistically bring to the table in a relationship, helped me be able to seek out like minded Dom/Masters, and ones who could help me get over any lingering emotions from my past.

Look like I found a damn good one....just sayin.


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(in reply to HarderToBreathe2)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Need some help please! - 8/7/2009 7:35:02 PM   
HarderToBreathe2


Posts: 181
Status: offline
quote:

I agree wholeheartedly. Most will deal with your baggage if you can be honest and upfront about it. Expecting a potential Dom to figure out your baggage on his own, and then figure out how best to respond to it....is not a realistic expectation. It's very passive/aggressive in it's own way. You say you don't want to appear needy. Here's a news flash: Dominants already know subs are needy. It's why they like them.
 
 
Really?  This is good to know.  Like I said, I don't have much experience, and the little amount of experience that I did have was pretty horrible, lol, and I'm not saying that at all lightly. The last guy really messed things up for the next guy (the most recent guy, the one I speak of in this thread) , unfortunately.  If I could get away with just being my sometimes needy self (i.e., if I felt the guy actually LIKED it) then I'd be good to go.

Admittedly there is a big different between needy and too needy, between having some trust issues and not being able to trust no matter what, between playing some head games with a person b/c you don't know where they are at, and playing huge games with yourself.

I honestly feel that I fit into the red categories, and I'm not just saying that because it obviously sounds better.  It's quite possible that everything I've said in this thread sounds a bit exaggerated b/c I'm in the middle of it, immersed in it. 

Everything you have said leads me to believe you should resolve your deep-seated trust issues before attempting another relationship.

I wish you the best, you sound like a nice person.  
 
 


< Message edited by HarderToBreathe2 -- 8/7/2009 7:49:48 PM >

(in reply to daintydimples)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Need some help please! - 8/7/2009 7:45:05 PM   
HarderToBreathe2


Posts: 181
Status: offline 		**Bear with me on my poor formatting, as above.  All that stuff should be within the quote box but I can't get it to do that.  I blame this tiny keyboard!  lol.

***got it. much better.

< Message edited by HarderToBreathe2 -- 8/7/2009 7:51:05 PM >

(in reply to HarderToBreathe2)
Profile   Post #: 60
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