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RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/17/2009 11:36:33 AM

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Well, I guess we could have silent blowjob sessions for the first month, but I would feel a little anxious about having to keep still, and quiet.

Ron

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RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/17/2009 11:37:21 AM

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no thanks...I'm too impatient. kink compatibility is like sex compatibility to me, and if we're not compatible then I'd rather know sooner than later.

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RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/17/2009 11:38:29 AM

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I would not date a woman with such a rule. I suspect, however, that I don't engage in the kind of conversation LaTigresse and others are objecting to. Whether that's true or not, I find the human mind, the human body, and the politics and history of sexuality to be fascinating -- and a woman who refused to talk with me about those things would be incompatible.

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RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/17/2009 11:39:06 AM

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quote:

For finding "partners for kink," it makes no sense to me to pull kink off the table. In my case, I am not looking for a boyfriend, I am looking for compatible kink partners who have similar goals and share chemistry with me. So it wouldn't work. However, for romantic-based searches, if I were single, I wonder if it would be worth it to make that sacrifice to ensure the guy was also interested in the big picture and not just the kink. And could exercise patience.

This paragraph right here gets to the heart of the difference between us Aakasha. Also the genesis of my statement, "I don't date kinksters". The whole concept that I'd be looking for a fuck buddy is not really compatible with me. And insofar as your second half... the part about you looking for a romantic relationship... even there the viewpoint that failing to discuss sex would be a "sacrifice" and that it's all about whether the guy could exercise control is... well... it's just a different world from the one I live in.

this is one of those situations where the things we each say are going to be only vaguely comprehensible due to the vast disparity in goals and viewpoints. It's like asking a soccer player and a hockey player what the best way to score a goal is.

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RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/17/2009 11:39:21 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slavekal

I think that is artificial and pointless. I hope this does not come off as too cynical, but I think having hobbies and such in common is irrelevant. Sexuality, intellect, and temperament are ninety percent of any pame/female relationship, I think. I could not care less if a woman knits or plays chess or loves football. Might be interesting, but that stuff won't hold us together.

I totally care who they are outside of their kink. Their hobby might not matter (or it might, if it's hunting endangered animals or something weird) but who they are outside of kink matters a lot. It's cool if he likes football. It's a deal breaker if he throws his beer at the television in a rage and starts breaking shit when the ref makes a bad call. I think spending time together doing vanilla stuff and getting to know each other in a day to day life context is really important.

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RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/17/2009 11:39:24 AM

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I could and have. I just don't think it is wise to keep massive portions of self from each other when assessing any future possibilities. I don't think a strict 30 days changes anything. For some people, I am ready soon after starting contact. Others, I will NEVER discuss a single kinky thing even if we talked for years. Chemistry matters. I am not so stuck on a rule that I can't accommodate what is evident within a given relationship. If that chemistry was strong, I would struggle and my bet is the rule would fall by the wayside anyway of the other person's volition. On the other hand, I will have likely not stuck with a discourse where the deeper attachments don't seem to be there even after weeks of attempting to form them. All things considered, it becomes a non issue at some point.

lovingpet

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/17/2009 11:44:07 AM

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Kinky no, sex yes I can wait.

I like to bring up kink fairly early because without it I doubt the relationship will satisfy me in the long run. I prefer to wait at least five dates before anything intimate happens. I can handle waiting for sex but not to see if it she will be the kinky kind.

Without kink, I would rather she remain a friend. More friends are a good thing, more ex bed-buddies are not. Once we have reached the bed she had better be ready to play with handcuffs!

"Ladies, if you presented this to a man who contacted you, do you think he would stick around for the 1 month of kink-silence? "

Of course online is different. Here we are on a kink site so the subject is up front. I would not stick around if the subject were forbidden, but fully understand she would not stick around if it were all I wanted to write about. My experience with on line meeting has been poor, my real life experience has been great. Very few women have been offended by my refusal to get intimate except the ones I guess were only out to get laid, not looking for a relationship. I think the key is putting things up front and not saving up 'surprises' for later. I am looking for the full range of common interests in life during the introductory stage. In a real live courtship, there are many other things to share and talk about so this subject does not have to be 'avoided' by rule, especially since it is not the umbrella under which we met.

Many online many people are torn between the person they are and the person they dream they could be ( the 'profile personality'). If someone can come on here and put this interest out on public display but then refuse to talk about with me, I would doubt their sincerity. As long as we have other things to talk about as well, there is something to build hope. Why invest lots of time if the road is a dead-end?

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/17/2009 11:44:14 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: olena

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Another thing to keep in mind if we are talking about meeting someone from here. The profiles are created so as to be able to fill out a HUGE amount of kink information. If someone has done that, there really is not need to spend time repeating

Example: "I know my profile says I live for anal play but I just gotta say, I LOVE taking it up the ass!!!!

Me: "Uhmmmm, great. So I guess I don't care whether or not you leave the toothpaste tube cap off..... Goodbye and good luck!"

And what people write and what they mean can be different and maybe in my experience what they type while behind the computer can be one thing and how they really are when face to face very different.

I am sorry if this rips people but I think most theories are just personal preferences worked backwards to a theory to justify it in one’s head. To me this ignore sex, power and kink usually comes from people that are not going to want that much in their life or are uncomfortable in discussing the topics. I do not see the harm to talk about it and still refrain from it for various reasons. I just know from my experiences people in cyber need to prove to me more their words are sincere as when I have met some men they immediately start backtracking from their words and I imagine women can do this as well.

I am sure that when people contact one another via the net there is more discussion that involves kink. Having it slip in on occasion is not something I mind. Having it end up being the main focus, or as in many instances, someone doing their level best to turn every single sentence in a discussion into kink, gets bloody awful annoying!

I do not like being manipulated or used for some fool's wank fodder and that is what 90% of the initial contacts via the net have been FOR ME. Which is again, why I don't consider the net as a viable option for meeting prospective life partners. There is more to my life than kink and sex.

If that means, to some misguided soul, that it is not important enough to me, that is their problem. I kinda like having a well rounded life myself.

In person, I don't discuss kink with every single person I meet. Most people I know, know I am into women, that I am a bossy bitch and that I am kinky. We do not NEED to discuss these things. We actually take the time to get to know one another as human beings with kink and sex being a facet of that, just not the main focus.

The greatest love of my life, we spent months off and on, discussing all sorts of life issues. Family, work, travel, etc etc etc........ Before we even considered one another as potential partners.

I don't care if other people have their entire lives focused around sex and kink, mine is not.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to olena)

RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/17/2009 11:44:30 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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quote:

Women, would you find this appealing?
Men, would you?

Ladies, if you presented this to a man who contacted you, do you think he would stick around for the 1 month of kink-silence?

If I were looking for a life-mate, and xhe really, really wanted to keep this out of the discussion for a bit, maybe. I mean, I had a companion in our quad who wasn't into BDSM at all, and I didn't really talk about it with him for the 6 years we were together. I'm not in the market for a romantic relationship, though, so for me, this would be a month of wasted time while I waited around to find out if this person would fit into our household in the manner that we are looking for.

I have a -lot- of friends and some companions that I go more than a month without discussing sex or kink with (but none that I could go a month without talking philosophy or writing with -- go figure), so I think most of the men I know would just laugh and say "yeah, whatever...", and they'd still be around at the end of the month.

DC

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 8/17/2009 11:52:06 AM >

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/17/2009 11:47:25 AM

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Okay I'll be the Pot for this Pot Kettle Argument.

Nothing is Off the Table with me. PERIOD. If there is a part of your life you are uncomfortable talking about with me then there is something that you cannot be honest about and thus I am going to be less inclined to continue the "Getting to know you phase"

I tend to guage things on my own experiences. I am willing to talk about anything, Kink or Non with anyone at any time. I perfer the same from anyone I am going to be looking to have a relationship with.

I think any time line that someone sets as a Buffer Zone is just Bullshit and someone who is trying to impose a form of control that serves NO ONE.

If After a Month I like like you a WHOLE BUNCH but you are not okay with all the things that I want to do Kink wise well now I am Tirn between Liking you and being unable to practice my desired kinks with you. I now have to decide what is more important, my feelings for a person and my desire to expresss myself a certain way with that chosen partner.

What is being suggested here is let me only get to know Half of the things I personally need to know about someone for the first month and then discover things that would have made the getting to know you phase go differently.

Guess what Kink and Sex may not be everything in a relationship, but If i spent a Month falling for someone who eventually told me that they are completely against Bondage, and Floggers in Play then I have literally wasted a month of my life and fallen for someone who won't meet my Kink NEEDS and yes they are needs, so now3 I am either torn between two factions of myself of heart broken because someone I like so very much is not okay with something that is very much a part of me.

I am a sexually open person, my sexual desires come up very quickly and I ask that the person I am talking to share theirs as well, even if we are only just chatting and there is no romantic ties between us I ask because I am curious and want to know. I ask people what they enjoy kink wise all the time.

Why would someone want to impose a RULE that would keep the other person from getting what I condiser pertinent information upfront?

Seems silly to me but some people aren't ready to admit that even though this lifestyle isn't ONLY about the Kink it is a LARGE part of what it is that we do.

Steel

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(in reply to olena)

RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/17/2009 11:49:53 AM

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Sooooooo, just a curious question to clarify. You get a new mail person that you think is attractive. You bust out talking about kink and sex from the get go?

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/17/2009 11:51:32 AM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Suppose in the "getting to know you" phase (whether it be online, phone or in person), women (or men) imposed a "one month rule." For one month, there would be no discussions of anything kinky. Not even a "light discussion of likes and dislikes." The entire kink thing is pulled OFF the table and it's just about the man and woman and their hobbies, dreams and aspirations. It's like the "purity ring" of kink; you are saying, "I want to respect and adore my partner as a person first and foremost and then we can start sorting out the kinks after we know we like each other."

Women, would you find this appealing?
Men, would you?

No...I would not find it appealing at all and here's why for me. I've discovered sexuality and the expression of it to be a very important part of my life. I'm sure there are some out there who are rolling their eyes and thinking "whoo-hoo, big surprise...a guy for whom sex is important". But stop and think about this for a minute...for most couples, no matter how much some want to deny it, there is a physical/sexual/lust factor that goes into the equation as a couple. Hell, it is part of what drew you together in the first place.

One of the things I disliked about vanilla dating and involvement was this idea that you "shouldn't/didn't need to talk about sex, everything will work out". I can tell you that it doesn't always work out and in my case, the way it didn't work out was quite an ego-shattering, marriage-destroying experience. How many couples...good Lord, there is an industry for it...seek help with a very basic part of their interaction as couples? Because they don't know how to talk to each other about it...hell, they have trouble communicating about finances or how to raise the kids and those are important issues too BUT so many never see sexuality and all the things that go with it...how we like to do it, how often we like to do it, what things we like to do, what things really turn us on, what things turn us off, what things we HOPE to do, how it affects our feelings about ourselves and about our partners...as all that important. Too many other things that need to be considered. As someone else noted, I don't give a flying fig how well my partner can knit, even if it is a daily hobby just as I am sure my partner doesn't give a hoot how to adjust the carbuerator on my hot rod (yeah, I am still staying away from E.F.I.) but I DO give a damn whether or not she likes to be spanked and how and I do give a damn whether she sees sex as being something she does to please ME as her dominant or whether or not she enjoys it too and the fact that having it pleases her dominant is a bonus.

I care about many things. My kids, my practice, my hot rods, the books I read, the shows I like to watch, politics, and on and on. Given the amount of time I will spend in bed or in/scene with a partner is much less than the time that will be discussing those things or doing those things. BUT...if we cannot get along in bed, if we are constantly clashing in bed then, much as it would be if we were constantly clashing in the D/s part of the dynamic (contantly engaged in a power struggle or constantly disagreeing about the viability of this or the necessity of that), we are not GOING to be discussing those things and just "hoping" that things will work themselves out. While I believe that sex and kink tend to flow/follow/whatever the hell you wish to call it from a certain amount of compatibility in other areas, I am also a big believer that to help get those other areas established beyond a cursory knowledge, there has to be compatibility in the sexual and kinky arena. Otherwise, much as I might enjoy discussing something with you, LaT or with sirsholly or someone else, the discussion of those things are never going to be as important to me as they would be with a partner that I AM engaging in sex/kinky fun with. There is a "disconnect", as it were, between someone who is a prospective partner and someone who is going to be a friend.

< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 8/17/2009 12:24:09 PM >

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/17/2009 12:01:31 PM

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In retrospect, the funny thing is, I've never created rules for getting to know someone. I just realized that if sex and kink is the primary focus of our initial conversation, I quit conversing.

I am sure it is partly my baggage. Given the nature of my appearance and how I have often been approached for most of my life. It gets really old and a person begins to wonder if anyone sees the value of the human being behind the face tits and ass. If anyone even gives a shit about the rest. So yeah, my perception is definitely coloured. I have to admit, I want to make people PROVE to me, they are interested in more.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/17/2009 12:01:49 PM

ranja

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I am here on this site for sexy kinky things... i do not really see the point in getting to know a person as a friend here, i have real time friends enough...

without the kink i am not interested really... i am very cyber shallow

edited to add
oh and in real time i do not converse about sex with any new person i meet at all... sex and kink discussions are for only a privileged few very close girlfriends and of course my Husband...

< Message edited by ranja -- 8/17/2009 12:05:17 PM >

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/17/2009 12:05:35 PM

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I wouldn't like it much I think. When I started chatting with my current Master, we chatted basically every evening, wrote emails and stuff, and I kept asking questions about a lot of kinky things... I don't think I would have been happy without that. Also, I don't want to invest a month getting to know someone and possibly getting attached to them only to find out that while we may be compatible as friends, everything kinky doesn't match at all.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/17/2009 12:15:39 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Sooooooo, just a curious question to clarify. You get a new mail person that you think is attractive. You bust out talking about kink and sex from the get go?

I talk about whatever I feel like. If the flow of the conversation is sexual then I do not stop that direction if I am comfortable with it, but I do not impose some rediculous time limit on when it is okay to ask if they are into anal sex, or if they like being spanked when they are fucked.

If the conversations are going in a natural progression toward the physical then I have no problem discussing my sexuality. It helps to think the herd as I am into some kinky shit and offten times they just can't hand with what I am into, getting to that early on saves a LOT of time.

I may not open with, "Hi, I'm Steel. Nice to meet you, Could you tell me if you orgasm anally cause I am into anal sex and if we continue talking I will eventually want to stick my penis in your butt." No I save that for at least the second or third e-mail....... Okay Seriously, I am comfortable enough with my sexuality that I am willing to discuss it. If the conversation is strictly platonic then there is no reason to bring up kink until it is something worth bringing up, usually it comes very quickly when I ask them, "So what are you looking for and what are you into beyond what it already says in your profile?"

See on CollarMe this Discussion makes no sense because your sexual kinks are USUALLY already listed to the left of your profile, if they are really off the table then they should not be listed however that will back fire because it will be the topic that most interests someone to contacts you because there are no kinks listed.

There is a Catch 22 in Kink Sites we are all here because we share the common interest of KINK in general, why would you want to take the common interest that connects us off the table?

Steel

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Just Steel
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The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to LaTigresse)

RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/17/2009 12:30:38 PM

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Steel, I think I am just looking at the subject from an entirely different perspective.

Or, maybe I just get too many wanker emails that make me want to bitch slap the mofo upside the head with a frozen tuna.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/17/2009 12:39:04 PM

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From: St George Utah
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YES!!!!

Gender does change this scale HEAVILY.

You being a female you have the fact that you are keeper of the cure-all for whatever ail's you.

You will get MANY more e-mails from people wanting not to get to know you or even have any interest in spending physical time with you. You will get men who simply want YOU to take about the Sexual as is something that gets some men off. As Proven by 1-976 #'s and and the popularity of Party Chat Lines and guys Masturbating to girls introductions.

Sadly this is a Gender Bias if I ever saw one and I am sorry for what you are going through. It is annoying I know.

If you e-mail me I will give you the common courtsey of not talking about the sexual for at least the first 2/3's of the initial responce e-mail but do know that it will be beyond raunchy from that point on....... Do you own Literhosen?(Sp)

Anyway I see where you are coming from but there are different angles, sadly women get contacted by some of the most disgusting people on the planet, I get to read all of them that andi and caryn get and LAUGH MY ASS OFF. But some of them are just disturbing.

As a guy I don;t get these e-mails except for the people who mistake andi in our main photo as the Dominant in the relationship and contact me thinking she is me.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to LaTigresse)

RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/17/2009 1:49:08 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Suppose in the "getting to know you" phase (whether it be online, phone or in person), women (or men) imposed a "one month rule." For one month, there would be no discussions of anything kinky. Not even a "light discussion of likes and dislikes." The entire kink thing is pulled OFF the table and it's just about the man and woman and their hobbies, dreams and aspirations. It's like the "purity ring" of kink; you are saying, "I want to respect and adore my partner as a person first and foremost and then we can start sorting out the kinks after we know we like each other."

Women, would you find this appealing?
Men, would you?

Ladies, if you presented this to a man who contacted you, do you think he would stick around for the 1 month of kink-silence?

Akasha

My profile does have my kinks listed, along w/ other things, on the left side. Other than that, Sir & I didn't even mention sex or kink at all for weeks in our letters. We did get to know more about each other, our vanilla interests and personal histories, etc etc. It was a really refreshing change, as most of the others who had contacted me before Him had started right out talking/writing about sex in great detail, many times in their initial letters. He made a point of saying "Let's not talk about sex until later" and I thought it was fantastic, not feeling like my letters were merely wank fodder. I followed His lead on that and, yes, it was weeks before sex was even mentioned. It was very appealling that He was interested in me as a person. I have to say, as a result, I'm a very lucky submissive and woman.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Given the nature of my appearance

LaTigresse, I think You look great.

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In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/17/2009 2:03:06 PM

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It matters how often I'm seeing this person or talking to this person. If its some one I'm seeing daily and for long periods of time such as a co-worker or an employee I probably couldn't do this or even ask this to be done Kink compatibility is like personal compatibility If i feel this person and I might get kinky I'd want to know of we'd click like new hand cuffs or have to work at it like a 2 month old knot.

Now if I'm exchanging emails once a week or so then yeah its easier to do than the above statement. But it will come up eventually as stated before If I'm getting kinky with someone I need to click like peanut butter and jelly.

(in reply to sweetsub1957)

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