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RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/17/2009 8:57:51 PM

Andalusite

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I'm taken, so none of your beeswax!

Besides, you already have two lovely ladies for that, you're being greedy!

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RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/17/2009 9:01:22 PM

SteelofUtah

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Illustrating a Point.

We're Adults and who cares what we talk about.

....................

Should I ask your Master about the Butt thing?

**In case Master takes this shit seriously.... don't.... as illustrated I have two girls..... I recently started taking Viagra... I'm soooooo tired lately and taking LOTS of Flinstone Vitamins.**

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RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/17/2009 9:12:01 PM

SouthernSpankin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel

That would be pure heaven to me!!!

Jewel

It's not surprising that it would be pure heaven to you, being that your profile states:

The issue is that I’m basically asexual. I think I’m using that term right, if not, please feel free to set me straight. In other words, I have zero sex drive; it doesn’t interest me in the slightest.

< Message edited by SouthernSpankin -- 8/17/2009 9:28:05 PM >

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RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/17/2009 10:57:34 PM

Acer49

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Suppose in the "getting to know you" phase (whether it be online, phone or in person), women (or men) imposed a "one month rule." For one month, there would be no discussions of anything kinky. Not even a "light discussion of likes and dislikes." The entire kink thing is pulled OFF the table and it's just about the man and woman and their hobbies, dreams and aspirations. It's like the "purity ring" of kink; you are saying, "I want to respect and adore my partner as a person first and foremost and then we can start sorting out the kinks after we know we like each other."

Women, would you find this appealing?
Men, would you?

Ladies, if you presented this to a man who contacted you, do you think he would stick around for the 1 month of kink-silence?

Akasha

I have no problem with that. since I am looking for someone who wants more that playtime and kinky sex

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RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/18/2009 3:46:11 AM

DomThoughts

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I see this more of a problem of compatibility than anything else.

I can see where the (mostly women) are coming from in this, they get a million messages a day from pervs looking for wank fodder. Then you get the ones who spend a while talking 'normally' before getting their knobs out on cam and asking for wank fodder. it could be useful to put a flat out time limit on wank fodder!

However, I think the issue is more intrinsic, and is simply a case of people getting on with other people. I'm sure there are girls out there somewhere who the guys who want to talk nothing but sex will get on with. equally, I'm sure there are guys who are more than happy to not mention sex for as long as is appropriate.

The point being that it should be a personal decision, and if you don't wish to discuss sex for a month, a year, a decade, then make that fact known and whoever you're talking to can decide if that fits in with their personal requirements. if it does things will continue if it doesn't things will move on.

the fact is there are a huge array of checkboxes to tick to make anything compatible, and at every juncture we are trying to decide what is good or bad about our current conversational partner. Some will be deal makers some will be deal breakers, This thread simply states which is which to which people.

Personally, I make an effort to not discuss sex until there has been some level of comfort reached, I pride myself on not being one of the wank fodder jockeys, however I doubt I could make it last a month that seems excessive.

Thanks

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RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/18/2009 7:05:49 AM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SouthernSpankin

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel

That would be pure heaven to me!!!

Jewel

It's not surprising that it would be pure heaven to you, being that your profile states:

The issue is that I’m basically asexual. I think I’m using that term right, if not, please feel free to set me straight. In other words, I have zero sex drive; it doesn’t interest me in the slightest.

Ohhhh, snark-o-raamaaaaa!

But it is a false premise. There are those of us that very much enjoy sex and, with the right person, have a HUGE sex drive. We just don't like to talk about it with every single person that contacts us.

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RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/18/2009 7:39:04 AM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Suppose in the "getting to know you" phase (whether it be online, phone or in person), women (or men) imposed a "one month rule." For one month, there would be no discussions of anything kinky. Not even a "light discussion of likes and dislikes." The entire kink thing is pulled OFF the table and it's just about the man and woman and their hobbies, dreams and aspirations. It's like the "purity ring" of kink; you are saying, "I want to respect and adore my partner as a person first and foremost and then we can start sorting out the kinks after we know we like each other."

Women, would you find this appealing?
Men, would you?

Ladies, if you presented this to a man who contacted you, do you think he would stick around for the 1 month of kink-silence?

Akasha

I tend to think putting restrictive rules on conversations that enable people to get to know each other isn't a great idea. That said, I can imagine the amount of "wanker" type of email dialogues this rule could eliminate. I'm guessing it would eliminate some non-wanker types, too, but that's a risk you take.

For myself personally, I can only say I had no interest in talking about "kink" or even in being flirtatious with the Man when we first began speaking. I had the kinky stuff checked off in my profile (probably still is, for all I know) and apparently that gave him a good enough idea of where I was, "play-wise." We emailed and phone-chatted for about 2 months before even broaching those topics, which allowed me to be comfortable enough and interested enough to keep moving forward. Then again, I wasn't interested in submitting to anyone again, so I suppose he was smart and incredibly patient to keep us at a snails pace in our forward motion.

From the moment we met in person the chemistry and passion between us was obviously instantaneous, and now, several months later, we're still snails pacing it along, without any worries about physical incompatibility as we explore further down our road.

Had he wanted to jump right into such conversations from the get-go, that would have been his prerogative and there would have been nothing wrong with that, other than I wouldn't have been the girl for him. I just couldn't "go there" yet.

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RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/18/2009 8:03:19 AM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

In retrospect, the funny thing is, I've never created rules for getting to know someone. I just realized that if sex and kink is the primary focus of our initial conversation, I quit conversing.

I am sure it is partly my baggage. Given the nature of my appearance and how I have often been approached for most of my life. It gets really old and a person begins to wonder if anyone sees the value of the human being behind the face tits and ass. If anyone even gives a shit about the rest. So yeah, my perception is definitely coloured. I have to admit, I want to make people PROVE to me, they are interested in more.

Bingo. Wow. This really hit it on the head for me and thanks for the insight LaTigresse. It's always nice learning something about yourself.

Being the age that I am and still being pursued like a piece of meat is so been there done that. When someone wants to discuss kink and/or sex I politely explain that I will share that at a later time when I know him better. I'd find a month too long to wait on discussing something important- kink is important. Within the first few conversations I try to see generally if we're on the same page. Too much detail feels like wank fodder to me so i don't want get into it that far but it's important to know if there's something that one party absolutely cannot live without.

It's been my experience that if two people like each other the bedroom and/or kink works out fine so focusing on it early on isn't productive for someone like me who wants a relationship. Sex and kink is important to me but it's not the most important thing I am looking for.

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RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/18/2009 11:08:53 AM

LadyNTrainer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
Suppose in the "getting to know you" phase (whether it be online, phone or in person), women (or men) imposed a "one month rule." For one month, there would be no discussions of anything kinky. Not even a "light discussion of likes and dislikes." The entire kink thing is pulled OFF the table and it's just about the man and woman and their hobbies, dreams and aspirations. It's like the "purity ring" of kink; you are saying, "I want to respect and adore my partner as a person first and foremost and then we can start sorting out the kinks after we know we like each other."

That is more or less the filter I use to find personal partners. Sadly, when I had a personal/friendly/social profile here that requested non kinky getting to know you conversation, it was bombarded with explicit sexual demands. I removed it.

quote:

Ladies, if you presented this to a man who contacted you, do you think he would stick around for the 1 month of kink-silence?

Very few do. But the ones that do have demonstrated that we're compatible enough for a serious long term relationship. In practice, if we have enough to talk about that he doesn't bring up kink for several good and enjoyable conversations, *I* will be the one bringing it up and pursuing him, probably in a lot less than a month. And that's really how I like it.

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RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/18/2009 11:12:43 AM

Jeptha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

...It's been my experience that if two people like each other the bedroom and/or kink works out fine so focusing on it early on isn't productive for someone like me who wants a relationship. ...

I seek relationships, too, but my experience is almost exactly the opposite of yours.

I think there's personality compatibility (what some refer to as "the horse"), and then there's sexual (or kink, or whatever you want to call it) compatibility (sometimes referred to as "the cart").

Sexual compatibility doesn't mean just finding someone attractive, by the way, (at least as I'm intending it.)

This all depends on what kind of cart you're into, of course, but my experience has been it is a much better idea to ascertain that I've got the right cart and the right horse, and give due consideration to both before I set off on a journey somewhere.

If the cart isn't in line with what I'm looking for, then me and the horse will just be what are known as "friends"... (ok - I'm stretching this metaphor w-a-y too thinly...)

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RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/18/2009 11:15:23 AM

LillyoftheVally

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeptha

I think there's personality compatibility (what some refer to as "the horse"), and then there's sexual (or kink, or whatever you want to call it) compatibility (sometimes referred to as "the cart").

Sexual compatibility doesn't mean just finding someone attractive, by the way, (at least as I'm intending it.)

This all depends on what kind of cart you're into, of course, but my experience has been it is a much better idea to ascertain that I've got the right cart and the right horse, and give due consideration to both before I set off on a journey somewhere.

Completely agree both has to be there. I don't need to 'discuss' it but I know that without the dynamic there doesnt matter how nice/funny/interesting they are there is a massive part of what I need missing

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RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/18/2009 11:29:27 AM

eyesopened

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Acer49
I have no problem with that. since I am looking for someone who wants more that playtime and kinky sex

I was ready for a relationship that was more than just playtime and kinky sex. But as both of us were older and had decades of compromising what we really wanted, thinking love would beget kink, both my Master and I realised that if a gun were held to our heads and we had to choose kink without love over love without kink, the kink would win.

So it was important to us to find compatibility in kink. Believe it or not, it isn't easy to find a man who is actually aroused by bondage alone. Since bondage is my primary kink, it was important to me to find out early on, whether the guy's wet dreams feature a woman bound and gagged. AND I told myself I would never again settle for a man who does not own and ride Harley-Davidson.

Sound shallow? It is by knowing what I really wanted, that I got it all, the bondage, the kink, the HD and the love!

Go a month without discussing kink? I did that for 40 years and it didn't get me even close to the relationship that I can honestly say will last me the rest of my life.

< Message edited by eyesopened -- 8/18/2009 11:35:58 AM >

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RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/18/2009 11:34:53 AM

Toppingfrmbottom

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Abslutely would not be interested. I want to know if our fetish's and kinky tastes mesh before I potentially waste a bunch of time getting interested in the person. Because if our kinks don't match I won't date him. I have done that been there don't need the t shirt, and I have learned that lesson, non matching kinks and interests are a big no go.

And that does not mean I do not value them as a person first, it means I value our time and our feelings enough not to potentially waste both of our time feelings gettingt o know someone and feeling that this may lead to something, and have all that come crashing down cause our kinks and our likes and dislikes do n't maych.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Suppose in the "getting to know you" phase (whether it be online, phone or in person), women (or men) imposed a "one month rule." For one month, there would be no discussions of anything kinky. Not even a "light discussion of likes and dislikes." The entire kink thing is pulled OFF the table and it's just about the man and woman and their hobbies, dreams and aspirations. It's like the "purity ring" of kink; you are saying, "I want to respect and adore my partner as a person first and foremost and then we can start sorting out the kinks after we know we like each other."

Women, would you find this appealing?
Men, would you?

Ladies, if you presented this to a man who contacted you, do you think he would stick around for the 1 month of kink-silence?

Akasha

< Message edited by Toppingfrmbottom -- 8/18/2009 11:43:10 AM >

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RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/18/2009 11:39:09 AM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeptha
I seek relationships, too, but my experience is almost exactly the opposite of yours.

exactly. Look, it should be pretty obvious that at least a lot of people would like a stable, long-term relationship with all the right kink and emotional elements in it. I just assume that until someone tells me otherwise. I think the only difference here is that because sexuality/kink isn't that important to me, I'm pretty flexible about it. So it gets deprioritized in favor of things I am way less flexible about and therefor much more likey to become problems. I think all that's going on here is that different people focus on what they perceive to be the most problematic areas first.

Honestly, I don't know that I much care whether the woman I love needs to be paddled, whipped, [insert kinky act here]. But give me one whiff of "he said, she said" behavior and I'm gone. I'm looking for team players and that's what I most focus on. It is also, in my experience (as different from yours Jeptha) the hardest thing to find. That again points to the fact that our strategies are really identical.. just being driven by different priorities.

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RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/18/2009 11:44:12 AM

leadership527

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quote:

Sound shallow? It is by knowing what I really wanted, that I got it all, the bondage, the kink, the HD and the love!

No, despite being opposite from my priorities, it doesn't sound shallow to me. Given that sexuality is such a core component of humans in general, it's hard to reasonably refer to it as "shallow". Even more importantly, if kink is, in fact, critical to someone else's long-term fulfillment, then the word "shallow" doesn't even apply... it gets superceded by "necessary".

It is certainly true that sexuality alone is not enough to build a lifelong relationship on. But then again, neither is love. Real, long-term relationships require a complex framework of interdependencies uniquel suited to the couple in question in order to work. In this way, I don't see love as any more lofty than sex... it's just one of the required foundational items for me.

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RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/18/2009 12:25:14 PM

NihilusZero

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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Just to give you a clearer view into the other perspective NZ, in my case it wouldn't be due to prudishness. It would be becaue the topic of sexuality just isn't that important to me. In my mind, if we have a compatible love affair, the sex will follow. Conversely, if the love affair isn't there, then... well... ewwwwww. So it's really just a question of putting the cart before the horse.

Anyone who thought the horse went first wouldn't be wrong, they'd just not have a compatible set of priorities to mine.

It's not even just the sexuality for me (which, admittedly, is huge) but the fact that the power exchange dynamic is such a natural fit for the way I am in relationships. A good chunk of my relationship history, ironically, was precisely an unintentional version of what the OP suggests. I'd meet someone and develop a mutual enjoyment of company and personality and then, inevitably, my PE tendencies would pop up and cause issues with a relationship that, by then, was an attempt to steer things into a different interaction style.

To some folks, perhaps the extensions of WIITWD are the equivalent of whether they prefer eggs or pancakes for breakfast and isn't that big a part of their natural relationship-persona, but to me it's a major mutual goal and if we're not both facing the same direction from the get-go, complications are much more likely to arise.

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 8/18/2009 12:43:58 PM >

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RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/18/2009 12:36:17 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

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My experience has been the complete opposite, We can like each other we can be the best ever match if you left sex out of it, but that does not mean good sex and sexuality and kinkyness and all the things I need will work out just fine, because we're other wise a match, and I have 1 relationship that was 4 years before ending that prooved that and a current relationship that prooves that. And I have had many other dating experinces that has prooven that.

And both times we meshed really well emotionally and intellectually, but in one case he was a virgin, to begin with and completely vanilla to end with Now maybe that was the death toll for the relationship right there but on top of thatd. He always wished I'd drop my interest in kinky sex an being a virgin he had no experince in how to pleasure a woman , and I don't have the patience or interest to teach someone from the ground up again.

This current relationship, again we match well emotionally and physically and non sexually again we;ve been together about 4 years but we're so not a match sexually and our sexual desires don';t match that well and I need way more kink than he wants to or can provide and it leaves a lot lacking and it leaves me unfufilled most the time honestly. However not everything is a total waste, since like I said outside of kinky and sexuality issues we're happy.

I want a relationship too, Hell I want the whole shebang good chesmitry out of bed and good chemistry in bed, but I am self aware enough to know if their sexual and kinky interests doin't match mine on enough levels to keep me happy, well there's no point in being with them.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

It's been my experience that if two people like each other the bedroom and/or kink works out fine so focusing on it early on isn't productive for someone like me who wants a relationship. Sex and kink is important to me but it's not the most important thing I am looking for.

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RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/18/2009 1:04:47 PM

leadership527

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quote:

To some folks, perhaps the extensions of WIITWD are the equivalent of whether they prefer eggs or pancakes for breakfast and isn't that big a part of their natural relationship-persona, but to me it's a major mutual goal and if we're not both facing the same direction from the get-go, complications are much more likely to arise.

*nods* Kind of exactly my response to Jeptha above. You and I are both executing the same strategy, we just have different priorities and differing amounts of flexibility in different areas. But both of us want to get the most problematic areas out of the way first as we see them.

For me, both the sex and the D/s are optional. Therefor not worth a whole lot of up-front investigation. What is not optional and also hard as hell to find is a team player.

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
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RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/18/2009 1:12:23 PM

NihilusZero

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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

*nods* Kind of exactly my response to Jeptha above. You and I are both executing the same strategy, we just have different priorities and differing amounts of flexibility in different areas. But both of us want to get the most problematic areas out of the way first as we see them.

For me, both the sex and the D/s are optional. Therefor not worth a whole lot of up-front investigation. What is not optional and also hard as hell to find is a team player.

*nod*

But...seriously. Sex...optional!? For shame!

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RE: The one month rule. How many could do it? - 8/18/2009 1:23:25 PM

rawkmehard

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if someone is approaching me online, i want at least one or two conversations that don't start with 'so how long have you been into the lifestyle' or 'have you ever served someone in r/l' et cetera. i'll likely be able to gauge rather quickly if i even want to meet you for coffee.

face to face? well, i don't really imagine i'm going to hop into bed with a man on the first date these days...i have those impulses generally under control. even so....sometimes you just click with someone and some of the dynamic falls in to place.

so do i need a 30 day window? not necessarily...but i do need indicators that he is interested in having control of more than my vagina!!

(edited for a typo or two)

< Message edited by rawkmehard -- 8/18/2009 1:24:13 PM >

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