RE: Nasty Divorce -- Your Experience

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RE: Nasty Divorce -- Your Experience - 3/11/2006 12:27:46 AM

xxblushesxx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SingleForever

i have never married and i never will.

The message on the below web site set me free forever.

It should be required reading for any single male in the United States.
Women hate the site becuase it tells the truth..............

http://www.dontmarry.com/

well...hmm...

ok...

if that's what makes you happy.

I hope you are fulfilled and content.

not everyone needs someone to be complete...(they say)

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Post #: 61

RE: Nasty Divorce -- Your Experience - 3/11/2006 1:10:01 AM

SirKenin

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From: Barrie, ON Canada
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Single: Our family friend is a 50 year old pilot who lives in the States right now, but has also lived in Fiji and other nice places. He has been single his whole life and would not trade it for anything. He loves the single life.

I think, by knowing him, that I have somewhat of an idea of where you are coming from.

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Post #: 62

RE: Nasty Divorce -- Your Experience - 3/11/2006 6:11:49 AM

SingleForever

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As I said............Women hate the site because it tells the truth about marriage.........

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Post #: 63

RE: Nasty Divorce -- Your Experience - 3/11/2006 6:41:10 AM

Tristan

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Speaking of generalizations, lawyers are consultants. They get paid only when they have a client, and only when they are providing a service for that client. As with all consultants, it becomes very easy to recommend a course of action that will prolong the length of your service (and increase your fees) regardless of whether it's in your client's best interest. Lawyers have house and car payments. Some even have vacation homes. Someone has to pay for these things, right? lol.

Based on my experience, it's far more likely for the media (society) to focus on issues where women have been wronged by a man rather than the other way around. If I remember correctly, Bernard Goldberg (former CBS Reporter or something like that) had a chapter in his book about how no one pays any attention to men being wronged in society. However, if a woman was wronged, there was a lot of interest in the story. My guess is this has something to do with chivilry. We expect men to take it like a man, and at the same time, we want to protect women.

Based on what I've seen in divorce cases, I think this trend continues into the courts. Any individual person might get justice, but the courts tend to favor the woman's claim especially if all else is equal. I've noticed that if the man is a jerk, he loses, but really has nothing to lose (assests or income). The courts just don't have much they can do in cases like this. However, if the woman is a jerk, I've seen way too many cases where the father lost custody and was forced to pay child support. The child support often became drinking money, and this created more problems for the children than if no support was paid. I always thought it would be fair if the spouses had to keep receipts for expenses just like you have to do if you are claiming expenses from an employers. That way everyone knows that child support is going directly to the children.

Tristan

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Post #: 64

RE: Nasty Divorce -- Your Experience - 3/11/2006 6:58:34 AM

windchymes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SingleForever

As I said............Women hate the site because it tells the truth about marriage.........

I didn't hate the site at all, I thought it was hilarious. I can't tell you how many men I've talked to in the very same situations cited in the article....but at the end, they always say, "But she was drop dead gorgeous!"

Hey, total castration is a small price to pay for gorgeous on your arm. Not to mention all the great sex you got....before the wedding.

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Post #: 65

RE: Nasty Divorce -- Your Experience - 3/11/2006 8:01:53 AM

PenelopePitstop

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I'm enjoying this debate.

We can simplify this whole custody deal.

Take two people who are angry and upset with each other, for whatever reason. Add the fruit of their union who are highly impressionable and observant. THEN Add two more people on who due to the nature of their job are significantly and in fairness, necessarily motivated by money and reputation and assign one to each person.

How can anyone win?

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Post #: 66

RE: Nasty Divorce -- Your Experience - 3/11/2006 8:47:29 AM

cloudboy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SingleForever

As I said............Women hate the site because it tells the truth about marriage.........

Marriage can certainly turn into HELL, PRISON, a lifeless routine, a business partnership, and erotic "no fly zone," etc. As bad as Marriage may be, divorce can also be a piling on and nasty prolonged entanglement --- expeciallyf or the non custodial parent making support payments.

Here is something counter intuitive though about working couples. My wife discovered this from a research article. The couples who believe they cannot solve everything and talk everything out stay together longer and are happier. Why? Because these couples live with their inherent problems w/o focusing on them. They just let the "weak points" go.

The one time my wife and I went to counseling, I realized I hated it about three session in because I thought we were dredging too much shit up and I was not convinced our counseler knew what he was doing or had any kind of constructive plan for helping us. Rather I thought he was winging it and fishing around. My first clue was when I asked him near the end of our first session, "Doc, can you tell me what the typical arc of this kind of counseling is?"

In response to this question I got a blank stare. So, what I have learned is that expecting less in Marriage is MORE, and supporting your partner's quest for MORE on their own is a win-win proposition.

The upside of Marriage is plenty:

1) Someone to sleep with
2) Someone to come home to
3) Someone to rely on
4) Someone to share meals with
5) Someone who understands you
6) Someone who gets you

etc. etc.......

The problem is naturally there are certain shortcommings and negatives with Marriage --- and the biggest one is expecting it to carry one's whole erotic burden for the lifetime of a marriage. The expectation of one person forever.

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Post #: 67

RE: Nasty Divorce -- Your Experience - 3/12/2006 9:41:10 AM

cloudboy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SingleForever

it tells the truth about marriage.........

"It occurred to me that regular hours, home cooked meals, all the conventions of marriage, the prophylactic routine of it bedroom activities and, who knows, the eventual flowering of certain moral values, or certain spiritual substitutes, might help me, if not to purge myself of my degrading and dangerous desires, at least to keep them under pacific control."

--HH

Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

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RE: Nasty Divorce -- Your Experience - 3/15/2006 4:11:22 PM

cloudboy

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Dear Gauge,

I was reading the NEW YORKER and came across a comic which read,

"You wife gets the house, the car, the god, your I.R.A., and ten thousand dollars a month. In return, she acknowledges your right to exist."

I immediately thought of you.

So far, I have not been called upon to represent the damsel in distress.

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Post #: 69

RE: Nasty Divorce -- Your Experience - 3/15/2006 9:35:53 PM

Gauge

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quote:

"You wife gets the house, the car, the god, your I.R.A., and ten thousand dollars a month. In return, she acknowledges your right to exist."

Priceless... and pretty much accurate. Thanks for sharing that.

As I have said for years now, when I said, "I do" she got the ring and I got the finger.

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I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

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Post #: 70

RE: Nasty Divorce -- Your Experience - 3/17/2006 10:48:22 AM

proudsub

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I finally read this thread because my daughter called yesterday to say her husband of 8 months just walked out on her. She talked to a lawyer this morning and he wants a retainer of $1500--is that reasonable? Their situation is complicated by the fact that they lived apart in separate states due to their jobs until 2 weeks ago, when he quit his job and moved in with her. He suddenely decided he didn't want to be married anymore, no fight or anything, just walked out. Fortunately there are no kids involved. He had come into some money from a legal discrimination settlement about a month ago which gets deposited into a joint account in three payments i think, so that is another issue.

In doing some research online for her i found a site that seems to have some helpful articles: divorcenet
Hopefully a "dissolution" will work for them. Any advice would be appreciated.

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"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

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RE: Nasty Divorce -- Your Experience - 3/17/2006 12:39:10 PM

Gauge

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A retainer of $1,500 is not unreasonable. There is normally a lot of paperwork involved in a divorce and filing costs as well. If the lawyer charges $150/hour that is 10 hours work for the retainer. 10 hours work on a divorce is not unusual.

The money he came into is technically a marital asset and subject to division. Different states have different laws regarding that so that might not apply in your case.

I wish your daughter the best through all of this.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

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RE: Nasty Divorce -- Your Experience - 3/17/2006 12:48:09 PM

proudsub

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Thank you Guage, and also Cloudboy for your email.

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

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RE: Nasty Divorce -- Your Experience - 3/17/2006 4:46:35 PM

SirKenin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

Dear Gauge,

I was reading the NEW YORKER and came across a comic which read,

"You wife gets the house, the car, the god, your I.R.A., and ten thousand dollars a month. In return, she acknowledges your right to exist."

I immediately thought of you.

So far, I have not been called upon to represent the damsel in distress.

Heh. I guess I got "lucky". My wife got nothing.

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Hi. I don't care. Thanks.

Wicca: Pretending to be an ancient religion since 1956

Catholic Church: Serving up guilt since 107 AD.

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RE: Nasty Divorce -- Your Experience - 3/18/2006 6:43:32 AM

Daddy4Princess4

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I am also a lawyer with far too much experience in divorces. In my experience, when the husband has significant income (in excess of $250 thousand), the wife will often come out fairly well. However, in most cases the wife seems to end up without anything besides a fairly meager amount of child support that she usually has to keep fighting to get.

Being a knight in shining armor is highly overrated. Too often all you get is an unpaid bill and a bankruptcy notice -- not even a "thank you" from someone into whom you have poured much.

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Post #: 75

RE: Nasty Divorce -- Your Experience - 3/19/2006 3:26:48 PM

proudsub

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It turns out my daughter and her husband are going to make an attempt to reconcile. His leaving had nothing to do with her and everything to do with some deeper issues involving his legal case and the public humiliation it caused him. He left because he cared so much for her that he didn't want to bring her down with him. He's been getting some counselling and now realizes that this is when he needs her support the most. They will go to counselling together when he returns to her next week. I'm sorry if I wasted anyone's time on here and do appreciate the help some of you gave.

< Message edited by proudsub -- 3/19/2006 3:28:57 PM >

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

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RE: Nasty Divorce -- Your Experience - 3/19/2006 3:32:34 PM

windchymes

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No time wasted at all, proudsub

I wish them the very best and hope it all works out for them.

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Post #: 77

RE: Nasty Divorce -- Your Experience - 3/20/2006 9:40:49 PM

cloudboy

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Here's a little food for thought from Daphne Merkin's essay, "Memoirs of an ex Bride,"

>This [her critique of marriage in the body of her essay] is not a story about the wonderful freedom to be found outside of marriage or the wisdom-imbuing catharsis that is the light at the end of the tunnel of divorce. Above and beyond the lingering whiff of failure that divorce brings in its wake, it has little to recommend it: not the legal hassles, the painful division of accumulated goods, the never-quite-satisfactory custody arrangement, the squabbling over money. As for the sobering reality of life outside of marriage, its first and foremost lonely, often sexless (unless you got divorced because here already hooked on someone else other than your spouse), and if you have a child, frequently guilt inducing. To this very day, I know that nothing would make my daughter happier than my getting remarried to her father. Although she is too sophisticated to express this wish out loud the way she used to when she was little, I have never lost the sense of having let her down.<

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