when a d/s relationship becomes pimp/prostitute (Full Version)

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porcelain20 -> when a d/s relationship becomes pimp/prostitute (11/13/2009 1:54:39 AM)

I'm 21, got out of a relationship with a 42 year old male a few days ago. I would like to post what happened because this relationship has discouraged me from entering another d/s relationship and would like other people's opinions.

He had a job when I met him but half way through he lost his job. This was during christmas time after I told him I would like to give him gifts. Before then the relationship consisted of me having sex with other people while he watched but he and I rarely spent time playing with each other.

After he lost his job, he asked me to find guys online that are willing to pay for sexual favors. I did it, and I was also giving him $100 out of my paycheck every 2 weeks. I had a quota of $400 a month to earn by having sex with other men and I went over it every month.

I talked to some of my real friends and they say that I shouldn't follow someone else's rules and d/s relationships are just another form of an abusive relationship. I read an article online about a year ago that says d/s relationships are abusive relationships. This man told me when we started that a d/s relationship is just about seeing how much you can get the person to do. He did that - he knew I was naiive and much younger than him and took advantage of me. He didn't even describe himself as a dom at first.

Anyway, I'm looking for the thoughts of submissives and doms on this but I don't really want people telling me to get over it because I am. I would like to see how a submissive's mind works, what their relationship with their father was, if they were abused before the d/s relationship, etc. For the doms, I would like to see how you help your submissive and what you do to control him/her.

Thanks





rockspider -> RE: when a d/s relationship becomes pimp/prostitute (11/13/2009 2:13:40 AM)

Well looking at it i first saw it as someones rather over fertile imiganition. But should the story be true it is something which makes the community look rather lousy. If it is true publish it with his name, adress and preferably picture of him of course. Maybe that helps before this kind of predator finds other victims.



SDFemDom4cuck -> RE: when a d/s relationship becomes pimp/prostitute (11/13/2009 2:13:43 AM)

Jmo...this was not a D/s relationship. For me, a D/s relationship is one in which both learn and grow into their full potential with one another. Without his submission I cannot Dominate...without my Domination he cannot submit. It is two halves of a whole.

What you have described is not a D/s relationship. I'm sorry to see that this experience for you has perhaps sullied your idea of a D/s relationship. This loser wasn't a Dom. He was a user and a manipulator. It matters not how naive you were he took advantage of your desire to submit.

Before you make a hasty decision take the time to sit back, research, read and observe a few truly D/s relationships first. Some that come to mind are darcy and The Dark, Lady Pact and her boy, Diurnal Vamp and her fox, Mercnbeth.

I wish you the best of luck.





DarkSteven -> RE: when a d/s relationship becomes pimp/prostitute (11/13/2009 2:16:20 AM)

Hello there and welcome.

So he rarely played with you, couldn't hold a job, and it sounds like he didn't really look for another one.  Sounds like he had depression, or a dependence on substances.  Or he was just lazy.

It's awfully hard to describe a healthy D/s relationship to someone who hasn't seen one... Suffice it to say that the subs who are in one do give to their D types, but feel fulfilled in so doing.  They frequently mention how safe and protected they feel... it's like having a parent and knowing that that parent cares about you and is watching out for you.

Sorry I can't express it better.



bipet123 -> RE: when a d/s relationship becomes pimp/prostitute (11/13/2009 2:37:07 AM)

I am a sub and I was never abused as a child. I actually have quite a strong, independent mind and most people who know me outside of the bedroom would never guess that my true calling is sub... so I guess I kind of fit into that people in power positions seeking a sub release but I don't quite fit into that category because if I am honest with myself I am a transexual who was to scared to do anything about it - I fit into the category of M-F transexuals who try to over-compensate masuclinity in an attempt to hide their feminity. My submissiveness has nothing to do with being abused and everything to do with having wanted to be female since my earliest memory of 2-3 years old. I have been too much of a wimp to do anything about it and now find myself at a stage in life where to actually do something would just make me look like a man in drag. I should have had the guts to do it when I was still a teenager and then I could have lived my life properly.
For me being a sub has two functions. 1) my feeling that I should have been born a woman empowers women as the ideal - it is probably why I am not fully comfortable with role of sissy servant because it feels demeaning to women but at the same time I accept the role because I am not a real woman and it feels right that a man should be punished into experiencing centuries of abusing women. 2) it takes control away from myself by providing an excuse for me to crossdress and fantasise about men in a guilt free way. When I crossdress or fantasise about having sex with a man on my own, then after I cum, I always get an unbelievable sense of guilt and shame - having someone command me to do these things may make me feel embarrassed and degraded but ironically it also helps remove some of the guilt and I feel I can open up more and share my true feelings. Being a sub is actually a release. Even being tied up, blind folded or gagged (all things I have very minimal experience of - more like vanilla sm) is a release in that it takes away the need to be in control of yourself, it removes the need to keep up this facade of masculinity, it allows the removal of the public face and to relax in having decisions taken away from me.

I guess a third element is that sub part allows me to punish myself for not being brave enough when I was in a teens to do something about how I was born. Right up to the age of 22 I could have passed as a woman when I was in drag... that was the time I should have had the bottle to make it permanent. Now no matter how hard I try, I can only pass as a man in drag. Lets put it this way if scientists ever wanted to experiment on brain transplants then I would volunteer immediately provided the body was female.



porcelain20 -> RE: when a d/s relationship becomes pimp/prostitute (11/13/2009 3:15:53 AM)

Wow.

And I really f - ing thought for a year that a sub only chooses who he/she submits to and he/she can do whatever he/she wants with his/hers submission. Its nice to see that there's an exception to this O.O.

He was a great guy with a great personality and great in bed. He was like a drug.

We tried to make it so I was getting out of it too. But before we started the relationship I got into nursing school and while I was in it my grades dropped and I got kicked out because of having find guys to f**k and then f**k them. After that I became extremely depressed; this was around christmas time around the time he started have me sleep with men for money. I did it partly because I knew if I had money to give him I would atleast get to see him. I started excercising on his request because now I believe he wanted to make me more appealing...and he gave me lots of advice on things I should do. Also, I have a shopping compulsion and spend too much money. Well, he made a rule that I can't eat at fast food and I can't buy anything without asking him.

It didn't feel like we were going towards the same goals though. He never followed through with any punishments (even though I gave him a list of punishments he could use on me) or rules. If I broke a rule, he didn't follow through. I remember one time I broke a rule and he said I wouldn't see him for a certain amount of time and I saw him the next day!

Well I appreciate everyone's comments and yes this is based on a true story LOL




Aileen1968 -> RE: when a d/s relationship becomes pimp/prostitute (11/13/2009 3:42:31 AM)

I think you have way too many issues and should probably stay out of any kind of relationship until you realize that you are a grown adult and are the only one responsible for the situations you find yourself in.



RCdc -> RE: when a d/s relationship becomes pimp/prostitute (11/13/2009 4:07:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelain20

I'm 21, got out of a relationship with a 42 year old male a few days ago. I would like to post what happened because this relationship has discouraged me from entering another d/s relationship and would like other people's opinions.

He had a job when I met him but half way through he lost his job. This was during christmas time after I told him I would like to give him gifts. Before then the relationship consisted of me having sex with other people while he watched but he and I rarely spent time playing with each other.

After he lost his job, he asked me to find guys online that are willing to pay for sexual favors. I did it, and I was also giving him $100 out of my paycheck every 2 weeks. I had a quota of $400 a month to earn by having sex with other men and I went over it every month.

I talked to some of my real friends and they say that I shouldn't follow someone else's rules and d/s relationships are just another form of an abusive relationship. I read an article online about a year ago that says d/s relationships are abusive relationships. This man told me when we started that a d/s relationship is just about seeing how much you can get the person to do. He did that - he knew I was naiive and much younger than him and took advantage of me. He didn't even describe himself as a dom at first.

Anyway, I'm looking for the thoughts of submissives and doms on this but I don't really want people telling me to get over it because I am. I would like to see how a submissive's mind works, what their relationship with their father was, if they were abused before the d/s relationship, etc. For the doms, I would like to see how you help your submissive and what you do to control him/her.

Thanks


Greetings Porcelain

I'll be honest, your post sounds perfectly like reality and as something negative that someone might go through, until you get to the last paragraph.  But I'll bite, regardless. 

I had one relationship when I was a teenager where I was assaulted, and the moment that occured, I packed my bags and left.  I was in submission in that relationship.
I have never been abused as a child.  The relationship I had with my father rocked.  The relationship I have with my father, rocks.  He is the most amazing and kind man.  My parents are fantastic, still married over 50 years and adored by all my friends.

From what you have stated, it is possible he suffered from depression.  Losing ones income can do that.
But I also cannot relate to the relationship you describe at all.  Although there was submission in the relationship, I don't know if there was much domination.  He may have told you what to do, but other than that, for me, I cannot see dominance.
If he never called himself dominant in the beginning, then maybe he just simply gave in to what you felt submission was and used it to his advantage.

The relationship you decribed to me, was not only NOT a healthy Ds one, it wasn't a healthy relationship at all.  And although he did not deliver the goods in a healthy way, or a way that encouraged growth, it must not go un-noted that you played a part in agreeing to the environment that you found yourself in.

I am not going to state that all Ds relationships are baking cookies and a 5 day week '50's style setting.  Prostitution can be a kink.  Poly relationships are to some a way of life.  But from experience, there has always be growth and care.  Value and care of the property is vital for the strength of the relationship.  Master would not be ignorant of care, nor would he be out of control of any situation he was placed into.

the.dark.



porcelain20 -> RE: when a d/s relationship becomes pimp/prostitute (11/13/2009 4:39:05 AM)

It sort of started out as a friends with benefits situation. We played a lot more in the beginning but as time went on, we stopped gradually stopped playing as much and I only saw him to give him money or something I bought from the store. Its possible that he wasn't a dom at all because there was no real structure to the relationship on his part. It felt like I was doing all the work and he wasn't holding down his role. I should add that right before this relationship started, I got raped and told him about it and that's when the relationship really took off. I felt like I needed someone's advice and protection.

While I agree I have a lot of issues from this situation and others and that I should not be in any type of relationship at this time, I do think I learned an incredible amount from this relationship and I know I'm responsible for situations I'm in. I don't regret it at all and I wanted to please him. So I took the risks that came along with what he wanted me to do. Getting diseases, getting killed or kidnapped, or getting arrested. He had promised me a collar and that was my goal.

I don't see how that's any different than a slave saying to her master yes you can kill me if you want!



OrionTheWolf -> RE: when a d/s relationship becomes pimp/prostitute (11/13/2009 4:46:19 AM)

It doesn't matter what type of relationship someone is in, they can be used by another person. It does not sound like you had a very responsible owner/Master/Dom. I have heard of a few relationships like this, and not all of them are an official D/s or M/s type of relationship. Crappy people are all over. I am not sure why but many people tend to forget about some of the basics of a relationship, just because they are in an alternative type of relationship. Find someone that makes you feel good, if being with them causes negative emotions of any kind, then there is something wrong. Find someone you enjoy spending time around, with common interest and things you can be involved in together and topics you can talk about, it is called compatability.

Hopefully introspection, and hindsight will lead to some growing elements in yourself, and you can make as much positive out of this as possible. Mistakes are how life teaches us, and it is only when we fail to learn the lesson, that we run into problems.

take care,
Orion



RCdc -> RE: when a d/s relationship becomes pimp/prostitute (11/13/2009 4:53:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelain20
So I took the risks that came along with what he wanted me to do. Getting diseases, getting killed or kidnapped, or getting arrested. He had promised me a collar and that was my goal.


If you have to be coerced into submission to gain something, that isn't submission.  Of course, it's subjective.

quote:

I don't see how that's any different than a slave saying to her master yes you can kill me if you want!


And how many slaves who care about their Masters property or their Master for that matter, do say that?

the.dark.



DesFIP -> RE: when a d/s relationship becomes pimp/prostitute (11/13/2009 5:03:41 AM)

I dont know anyone who has said she's willing to be killed for his pleasure.

My relationship is 8 years now. I do not have sex with others. He protects me, he does not put me in harm's way. We alternate who pays for meals. Otherwise we don't take money from each other except for change for meters.

I didn't have to 'earn' a collar by violating my moral boundaries. His boundaries are the same as mine. He collared me because he wanted me to be his. I took it for the same reason.

I was not abused as a child, never been raped.

Ways he has protected me; when we were LDR he would insist I come back on chat to tell him I was safely in the house when I remembered the garbage had to go out at midnight. These days I have difficulty with night driving, so he does all that most of which is running my kid around. He even drove six hours to a paintball tournament for my son. (greater love hath no man then to sit there in rain and sun watching paintball.)

You didn't pick a dominant, you picked a user. A D/s relationship is by definition no more likely to be abusive than any other. There are good guys and bad guys. I picked one who wants the responsibilities as much, if not more, then he wanted the rights that come along with it. You picked badly.

Methods of control; no peas in a casserole. All ice cream must have chocolate in it, no fruit ice creams ever to be served to him. I am not to put myself in danger. Sometimes I get told what to wear in terms of outer clothes, more often he picks matching bras and panties for the day. The dirtier his day proves to be, the girlier my clothes are. I don't take the car to the garage for repairs unless he's decided it's above his capabilities.

Decisions he makes for me unilaterally: one of the motion sensor lights he put in around the house is acting up. He decided it will be easier to change the whole unit then to try to just replace the sensor and rewire the thing on top of a 30' extention ladder. My house, I get to spend the $30 for the unit instead of the $10 for the sensor. Fine by me.

Things for you to learn from this relationship. You need to learn healthy boundaries, to define your moral and ethical code so as to recognize immediately when someone tries to violate it. You need to learn the difference between being used and being loved. You need to accept being alone instead of being lonely with someone else. Learn all those things and more about what you need and what is healthy and unhealthy for you before you get into another relationship.



openmindedslave -> RE: when a d/s relationship becomes pimp/prostitute (11/13/2009 5:08:13 AM)

I can 't say for everyone this may be a reason  or cause, but you do see often on here that a Dom is not seeking sex as much as control and power over another person.  I can imagine  that if you think about a subs limits , that some will use those limits as a goal to push. i'e . not playing in public but eventually  get the slave to perform with others around because they feel comfortable and a form of trust has been created between them. I know of one Mistress who had a slave pay tribute to her  and when he was tight for money, he got into servincing men to pay for services . She encouraged  it ,, endorsed  it  since she has no sexual interaction with him ever was not concerned about what  he had to do to get the tribute.



porcelain20 -> RE: when a d/s relationship becomes pimp/prostitute (11/13/2009 5:33:26 AM)

Yeah I agree I have things to learn before I set foot into another relationship. Its not gonna be awhile I'm even moving out of state to get my head together and just get away from things.

But just wanna say...everything started very small and steadily got worse. When he started losing hours and asked me for money I told him how I felt. But his personality and smile and desire for him won me over. First it was just buying gifts for him during christmas time...then he started requesting things and money and when he first asked me to give someone oral for money i said no but again he convinced me. And then it steadily got worse until I could not see him if I didn't have money. And everytime I did it I felt so disgusting and it made me lose desire to please men sexually but I supressed those feelings and got antidepressants. And then I tried cutting it off with him 3 times but he convinced me to stay and then he finally got a job and now its over.




porcelain20 -> RE: when a d/s relationship becomes pimp/prostitute (11/13/2009 5:43:02 AM)

quote:

And how many slaves who care about their Masters property or their Master for that matter, do say that?


I don't know. But it came to the point where I didn't care about myself at all. I didn't care if I got sick or killed. Sometimes I wanted it and hoped for something bad to happen to me. Like I said I was just focused on him and being his. He called me his and I called him Master and I was infatuated with him.

The only bad experience is that I got gipped $200.



ncbabe -> RE: when a d/s relationship becomes pimp/prostitute (11/13/2009 6:08:48 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelain20

Anyway, I'm looking for the thoughts of submissives and doms on this



This doesn't sound like D/s to me, it sounds like abuse being labelled as D/s and he got away with it because you do not yet understand the difference.


quote:

I would like to see how a submissive's mind works



I do not think that there is such a thing as a submissive mind.  We are all individual people with individual ways of thinking.  You will see from reading the boards how vastly different our opinions can be.  What you have to do is figure out what being submissive means to you, and I think you should start with a lot of research before diving head first into a relationship based upon it.


quote:

what their relationship with their father was



I had two fathers but only with one of them did I have a strong and healthy relationship.


quote:

if they were abused before the d/s relationship



Yes.


quote:

I'm 21, got out of a relationship with a 42 year old male a few days ago... 
... I don't really want people telling me to get over it because I am.  



With all due respect, a few days is not sufficient to get over any relationship, let alone one that was damaging.  Just because you are aware of what it was does not mean it will have no effect on you.  It is good to know that you feel over it, but do not be hard on yourself if it sometimes comes back to you when you're not expecting it.



RCdc -> RE: when a d/s relationship becomes pimp/prostitute (11/13/2009 6:09:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelain20
I don't know. But it came to the point where I didn't care about myself at all. I didn't care if I got sick or killed. Sometimes I wanted it and hoped for something bad to happen to me. Like I said I was just focused on him and being his. He called me his and I called him Master and I was infatuated with him.


I do not wish to seem like I am being mean to you, as this is not the case.  Your post is still all about you.  What you wanted, what was hoping for.  In our relationship, that does not exist in such a way as submission.
Infatuation isn't necessarily bad or negative, it only becomes so when the property becomes damaged.  It might all have been what you want - but I other than the prostitution, I don't see anything about what he wanted.

I would suggest you go get some sort of counselling or theraphy, what and how much I don't know but see your doctor and go from there.  Of course you can ignore the suggestion but unless you do, I don't see you having any kind of healthy relationship, Ds or otherwise.

quote:

The only bad experience is that I got gipped $200.


Prepare yourself for the onslaught.[&:]

the.dark.



Dstryeroflimits -> RE: when a d/s relationship becomes pimp/prostitute (11/13/2009 6:28:27 AM)

In trying to be forthwith and honest here, I cannot call that any kind of relationship. Maybe a predatory one, certainly not what we would consider D/s.  I believe you may have some issues to work through, if you have a sense of right and wrong something should have clicked. Perhaps because of your age..as someone pointed out you are an adult and responsible for your own action. I can only agree with that halfway. At 20 or 21, not everyone is mature and responsible enough to fully understand what they may enter in to.  I am not Freud, but common sense says take a step back. Get a perspective on what happened and why you allowed it to happen. Get to know yourself and what you need and desire.
I wish you well

Dstryer



Mercnbeth -> RE: when a d/s relationship becomes pimp/prostitute (11/13/2009 6:51:58 AM)

quote:

...I would like to see how a submissive's mind works, what their relationship with their father was, if they were abused before the d/s relationship, etc...


this submsisive's mind works a bit differently from the next, as we have had different experiences, upbringing and training.  this slave firmly believes that her early childhood experiences with non-sexual submission have had an impact on the way her mind works...and how she interprets fulfillment.
 
this slave's parents were both retired by the time she was 5, so she had two stay at home, full time parents/drill instructors on 13 acres of land next to a National Forest, 20 miles from town.  Mom and Dad put each other first and everyone else came in second.  Dad believed in "women's work" and "men's work" and brought this slave up accordingly.  All of our needs were met...but obedience was paramount---and it was drilled into this slave's head during her formative years.
for example:  her clothes were not hers...she didn't pick them out, buy them or wash them, but she was expected to keep them folded or hung up in the manner required by the ones who did own them---her parents.  wearing black was not allowed, as it wasn't an appropriate color for young girls to wear.  anything with holes in it better not come out of that room on your person, or a finger would be inserted in the hole and it would be ripped apart. if it needed mending, better get to it before you put it on...or it might end up past the point of no return.
 
They were also givers...to their community and to folks in need inside or outside of their community.  As kids, we were required, as well as enthusiastically encouraged to give of our time, $$ and talents to others, without reciprocity throughout the year.
 
as far as being abused...yes, this slave has been, before her current relationship.



porcelain20 -> RE: when a d/s relationship becomes pimp/prostitute (11/13/2009 7:19:31 AM)

quote:

Your post is still all about you. What you wanted, what was hoping for. In our relationship, that does not exist in such a way as submission.
Infatuation isn't necessarily bad or negative, it only becomes so when the property becomes damaged. It might all have been what you want - but I other than the prostitution, I don't see anything about what he wanted.

He liked massages and me getting him off.
He liked watching me with other guys.
He liked me buying him things 95% of the time we saw him I had something for him.
And he wanted me to lose weight.
And stop spending so much of my money on stuff.

The last two were to benefit me but the past few months its been extremely hard to find any self-love that I didn't succeed in those things.

I wanted to be his and I believed that I loved him. But now I believe it was not love it was just infatuation and desire...because of his personality.

------

I also wouldn't call him a predator. At first we just started as friends with benefits. But then I had gotten raped by someone and needed someone to protect me and just help me out...When things started going bad for him financially he didn't plan on staying unemployed for months...this is a recession...But maybe he really believes that me going and being a prostitute would not have any effect on me? He said it was just an excuse to break up with him when I did...I don't know.

Is that possible though? Does anyone think going out and blowing or f**king men for money would not hurt a girl's self respect, self love, and self esteem?




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