Aileen1968
Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
~ FAST REPLY ~
Back in the early days when I moved to LA and hung out a profile, I was contacted by a number of woman who identified as submissives and wanted to meet me. I never did for two reasons. The big one was trust. I put a big priority on that. I don't think its possible to have any relationship, even casual, when going in your partner is there, by definition, breaking a trust which when initiated was 'vowed' to be "'till death do us part". I couldn't reconcile the possibility of developing the trust needed for the mental and emotional aspect of a relationship I desired with a person who, for reasons good or bad, was breaking a vow just to be with me for the sake of receiving a sensation. Whether the spouse could or wouldn't provide it didn't matter. I came from the same place and spent years keeping my vow in lieu of enjoying a dynamic I desired.
The other was associated with my personal selfish goal; which at the time I thought would never be achieved. I wanted to meet someone who potentially could be my 'slave' as I defined it; no job, no other 'Masters' in their lives. A spouse would exclude them for that reason.
There was one exception early on, I connected with a woman who had a spouse. We were chatting for a couple of days before she disclosed she was married but had the full approval of her spouse. Our safety setting conversations before meeting included a long chat with him. He knew that BDSM was an essential part of his wife's fulfillment, tried it - hated it, and their compromise was to have a open marriage. Well, that just about described the last 10 years of my first marriage so if there was an exception to be tried, this was going to be it. I met her, and we got together, played, and went to a club. It was an interesting weekend. It never went anywhere because I couldn't get the idea out of my head that she not only had a husband but young child at home and no great weekend of sex included sensation could get me to rationalize continuing contact. The most accurate way to describe out time together was it was 'hollow'. She was a great person, very in touch with herself, confident, and fun. It was a me issue.
Although this thread is pointed at "cheating spouses" it really comes back to you. You are the facilitator. You have to look in the mirror the day after. You have to accept the 'rules' of engagement. You have to reconcile or rationalize that this person represents a partner you desired to fulfill your needs, desires, and fantasies. A secret affair means few holiday occasions together, guilt if there are children involved, hopeless nights when you need someone intimate to talk to occurring outside the time its okay to call. At best, you're looking at the calender counting the days which, for whatever reason, have to pass so you can be together; "till death do you part". At that point you'll be the spouse wondering if THIS time, you can trust them.
Good Luck!
I agree with everything you said Merc. I made huge mistakes. I am the first person to say that I am far from perfect. I can say that I will never make those mistakes again. I just get annoyed at the people on their high horses who see the world in black and white without realizing that there are all kinds of gray mixed in. My ex was not guiltless in the ending of our marriage. Far from it.
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RE: Cheating spouses - 
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