Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle?

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Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/1/2009 1:52:09 PM

Thenewaccount10

Posts: 67
Joined: 11/9/2009
From: Wisconsin
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Was it your boyfriend/husband that got you in, have you just always felt empowered and liked to belittle men, etc?
I am just wondering, because when I tried to encourage my gf to explore her dominant side 2 years ago it led to us breaking up because I was too weird and was a pervert. Please don't pass judgement on her, but I would enjoy your insight as to what I may have done wrong. Is it the type a guy can help a vanilla girl grow into, or is it just something a woman comes to herself? If you significant other got you into the lifestyle, can you tell me how he convinced you?
Thanks much ladies. There are so few dominant women in Wisconsin and none where I live (that I have been able to find at least), so my options are not great. I really loved my girlfriend, and she did have a very dominant nature. I don't think that anything would have made me happier than her dominating me and being my mistress, but she was repusled by the idea.

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/1/2009 1:56:15 PM

subtlebutterfly

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belittle????? *me is offended even tho me is not a dommie*

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RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/1/2009 1:59:00 PM

Thenewaccount10

Posts: 67
Joined: 11/9/2009
From: Wisconsin
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Sorry Butterfly, that is how a Domme on another fetish site describe how she liked to treat men. :P I really cannot say what it is that attracts women to it as I am not one, sorry if my suggestions are way off.

(in reply to subtlebutterfly)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/1/2009 2:08:31 PM

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Yes, the phrasing of the question itself leaves a lot to be desired.

Some people have an interest in Dominance and some just don't. There are plenty of folks out there who are happy being vanilla, just like there are plenty of kinky people who wouldn't want to be anything else.

Where most people who try to 'convert' someone go wrong is they push too hard, which only leaves the other person involved wanting to resist it more. Would you especially want your SO to try to force you to be something that you're not? Well, they have the right to feel that way, too.

I'm not that big on converting folks, even though I've had the fortune to have done it a couple of times. The better suggestion, in My opinion, is to go to events in real life and meet people. It alleviates the whole conundrum of converting vanilla people into kinksters. Darn near everyone you'll meet at a munch is there because they have interests in kinks, just like you do.

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RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/1/2009 2:09:23 PM

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I was a pro-Domme several years ago. A 90 year old man paid me to split the skin of his back open. I couldn't do it. I managed some bruises, walked into the office and quit. I had an aversion to it thereafter. Slave started telling me his fantasies about how he wanted a Domme. I didn't think I could ever do it again. He bought me a book called The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance. I read it on my own and then we spent time together going over things he would like. As none of them involved blood, scarring, or permanent marks, I eventually worked up the courage to try again and we have been going strong ever since.

There was nothing wrong with your approach to your girlfriend. This isn't for everyone. However, perhaps an anonomyous gift of this book to her for Christmas? You never know what will inspire someone.

(in reply to Thenewaccount10)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/1/2009 2:55:41 PM

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No man turned me into anything. I am not dominant because of a man introducing anything to me. I think you have some serious misconceptions and feel forced to bring the dominant out in a woman and want to do it as safely as you can without losing someone else since you can't find a dominant in your area. I kind of like breaking it to you... it is easier to find a dominant near you than to turn a woman or train her to be a dominant at your request.

I would suggest not taking one dominant's word on what a dominant is and how she acts and reading and learning us about because there certainly is no dominantrix mould. You will find us here... elsewhere, in person and all, but you will not find what I consider a dominant in porn. I would never treat a submissive as this person or you discribe. And you might want to think seriously if that is what you really want.

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RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/1/2009 3:01:09 PM

Thenewaccount10

Posts: 67
Joined: 11/9/2009
From: Wisconsin
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Thank you Mistress. I did not try to force her to be dominant though. I simply started becoming obidient to her and giving her more control hoping that she would enjoy it and explore her dominant side more. It backfired though and she did not like the way I was acting and asked me about it. I told her and she was pretty disgusted with the idea.
Thank you all for your answers.

(in reply to Lockit)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/1/2009 3:24:42 PM

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I wouldn't say I'm involved in this as a habit. I just toy and tinker with it. That being said, some guy I dated was interested and piqued my interest. However, the things I'm interested in now, I thought I would NEVER be interested in. I love masculine men, and thought crossdressing was just soooo horrible! Defacing a perfectly good male specimen??? No one would be able to talk me into that! Besides, why on earth would a man want to do that?? That is just so ridiculous! Outrageous!

Well, as it turns out, if I like a man, he can talk me into just about anything. And sure enough, after we had been talking for a while, some really cute masculine man mentioned he was wearing panties, and was in the mood to be a girl. And he's adorable when he's in that mood! If he had said it at the beginning, I probably wouldn't have even talked to him...

And it turns out, he had a really good reason, which was beyond my ability to imagine, that he had been abused as a child, and had these urges. Plenty good reason for me. I had no idea abused children could have these kinds of life long reactions. I had never known anyone abused before, that I knew about.

Now, I listen, instead of turning up my nose first. I still reject alot of ideas, but if I like the guy, I consider what he wants before I reject it.

< Message edited by MMercurial -- 12/1/2009 3:28:45 PM >

(in reply to Thenewaccount10)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/1/2009 3:33:00 PM

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I found (once) that the way to get it work was to tell her 'you'll just do exactly what she wants you to do'. That means it's an opportunity for her - not a pressure. But you a) have to mean it and b) thereafter, do exactly what she wants you to do - as much as you can stand. You have to be prepared not to enjoy a good deal of what happens.

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RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/1/2009 4:39:37 PM

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For me my ex boyfriend got me into the lifestyle via that online community Second Life, he made my character be his character's slave (something I hated) and I ended up being either miserable or constantly trying to top from the bottom all the time. That's what got me to see I was better as a Domme.

Then about a month or so later I met my sub who really got me into the lifestyle by 1) taking his time into introducing me to everything (ex. he sent me links to websites, books, and some videos about being a Domme) and 2) he let me find my way in the lifestyle. Meaning he didn't push me to be something I wasn't but let me decide what I wanted and didn't want to do. Also lots of open communication helped alot in getting me to where I am today.

EDIT: My sub didn't come out and say he was looking for a Domme either, his words to me were "how would you like to find a man who would treat you like a princess?" Well once he said that I was hooked.

< Message edited by thaprincess -- 12/1/2009 4:44:08 PM >

(in reply to Thenewaccount10)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/1/2009 4:43:27 PM

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I was gearing up to write a post but then a clever woman beat me to it:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

No man turned me into anything. I am not dominant because of a man introducing anything to me. I think you have some serious misconceptions and feel forced to bring the dominant out in a woman and want to do it as safely as you can without losing someone else since you can't find a dominant in your area. I kind of like breaking it to you... it is easier to find a dominant near you than to turn a woman or train her to be a dominant at your request.

I was a bossy little girl. I had all the boys at the playground wrapped around my little finger. I ordered boys to kiss me/stop kissing me when I was a teenager, giving them permission to touch, then taking it away, and bound my first boyfriend's wrists the 2nd time we had sex. This is not something anyone taught me. This is something I am.

I fought it a long time in my 20s and was liberated by my 30s. Because, again, this is something I am.

quote:

I would suggest not taking one dominant's word on what a dominant is and how she acts and reading and learning us about because there certainly is no dominantrix mould. You will find us here... elsewhere, in person and all, but you will not find what I consider a dominant in porn. I would never treat a submissive as this person or you discribe. And you might want to think seriously if that is what you really want.

I would add that not all women here wants to be called Mistress so it's best to call us by the name we use here.

- LA

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(in reply to Lockit)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/1/2009 5:09:56 PM

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I bought the Insta-Domme kit on sale, 30% off, at Wal-Mart. The latex catsuit that came with it was a bit small, but what do you expect from stuff made in China?

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/1/2009 6:00:13 PM

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Joined: 1/11/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

I found (once) that the way to get it work was to tell her 'you'll just do exactly what she wants you to do'. That means it's an opportunity for her - not a pressure. But you a) have to mean it and b) thereafter, do exactly what she wants you to do - as much as you can stand. You have to be prepared not to enjoy a good deal of what happens.

I do see what you're saying, and I agree to a point. It's nice to be able to slough off household chores, for example, to someone else; however that open a statemen can be a pressure even though a boy wouldn't mean it to be. My immediate thought after hearing someone tell me they'll do whatever I want is "...but what do I make them do?" Most of the time I can't think of anything. I hate being put on the spot. I'd have to plan stuff out to "do" and them make him do it. I classify that as pressure. But then again I also hate the question "is there anything I can get for you?" I guess I'm weird like that.

(in reply to PeonForHer)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/1/2009 6:13:32 PM

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~FR~

To answer the OP, I started as a sub. It just felt natural to me at the point I was in my life. Then I found a new bf who happened to have submissive tendancies. So I reevaluated my thoughts about it and decided to switch for him. We're taking it slow because now we're both newbies, but the journey has been fun so far.

It certainly is possible to "recruit" someone to bdsm. I did to my boy. I noticed he acted submissively sometimes and had certain fantasies, so I mentioned to him what bdsm was all about. I've been teaching him ever since. It sounds to me that you did what you could in your last relationship to try to introduce her to it. I know you said not to blame her, and I'm not, but if someone has no desire to do something, you can't make them. Some people aren't ready (or ever will be) for bdsm in their life.

(in reply to Reform)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/1/2009 6:31:45 PM

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"...but what do I make them do?"

You could tell them to act like D/s doesn't exist between the pair of you till you feel like making it exist.

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RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/1/2009 6:34:02 PM

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The latex catsuit that came with it was a bit small, but what do you expect from stuff made in China?

You should know better, V. Order a latex catsuit from China, and you'll inevitably end up with a tasteful brown dress.

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(in reply to Venatrix)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/1/2009 6:35:43 PM

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No doubt '30% off' refers to the size, not the price.

(in reply to PeonForHer)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/1/2009 6:57:03 PM

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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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Dominance is not a game for me. I am a dominant personality, wherever I am, and a dominant woman in the BDSM community. There is no on/off switch, there is no "talking me into things". I can be persuaded, I can be asked politely, but in the end, I say yes because I WANT to say yes, not because of pressure from a male OR a female.

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RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/1/2009 7:05:58 PM

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I don't see how anyone could ever 'pressure' someone into being in control. It's inane. Feeling pressured and feeling in control are mutually contradictory, surely? Jeez, I grasped that before I'd even heard of D/s.

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RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/1/2009 7:32:09 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

I don't see how anyone could ever 'pressure' someone into being in control. It's inane. Feeling pressured and feeling in control are mutually contradictory, surely? Jeez, I grasped that before I'd even heard of D/s.

Maybe you can do some kind of Milgram experiment to force her into topping...

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to PeonForHer)

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