RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle?

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RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/1/2009 8:07:24 PM

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Joined: 2/9/2006
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I am Dominant because I am. Now if your referring to the kinky side of things, I did that too by tying up my boyfriend while he was asleep with pantyhose. Yep I didn't know a thing about safewords or any of that jazz, I just knew I wanted to tie him up and tease the hell out of him and do a bit of light S&M. He went along with it and loved it, we started down this path together and he was my slave for 9 years.

Now many moons later I've had D/s relationships under my belt and realise it is a part of who I am. Sure you can introduce someone to it, but you cannot make them walk the path they have to do that themselves.

I've read a few of your posts you have a lot to learn so start reading some good books and find a munch in your area.

Good luck,
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to Thenewaccount10)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/1/2009 11:05:13 PM

Posts: 491
Joined: 7/22/2008
From: SE Michigan
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To the OP: I am confused...... you say I want her to be dominant, I would be happy if she did this and that, but the whole idea of submitting to another is to do THEIR will, her will is to NOT be your Mistress. So you think even though she has said no, and has zero interest you can create the perfect dom out of her against her will? doesn't sound like a submissive act to me, sounds like a greedy, selfish boy who only is worried about getting what he wants and the hell with what your partner feels or wants.

Here's a clue, NOT EVERYONE IS INTO BDSM!! if she is not, then she is not, she will not suddenly take a magic-dom pill and want to spank your ass, and lead you on a collar. Either be happy with what you have or move on.

_____________________________

Alexandra ~

~~ And I will show you something different from either your shadow at morning striding behind you Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you; I will show you fear in a handful of dust..... T.S. Elliot ~~

(in reply to Lashra)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/2/2009 1:43:31 AM

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
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Sorry that trying to explore BDSM with your girlfriend led to a break up. Here are thoughts in case you try this with a future girlfriend.

While going to BDSM events and meeting people in person is a good approach, there is also value in looking outside the BDSM scene. I think the first approach has greater potential for a play partner but there is some question of luck in finding a long-term companion. It takes longer with a limited pool of partners. It would not hurt to also look in non-BDSM areas to find someone who has an interest (but does not go to local BDSM events) or is open to it.

I think an interest in BDSM falls on a continuum where one must have BDSM at one end, and disinterest in BDSM at the other end. Women who fall at or near the strong end usually find BDSM on their own. Women who fall near the center are more likely to be introduced to it by a lover. Yes, many women do learn about BDSM upon being told about it by a lover or a friend. I often run into people at BDSM events who came because a friend or a lover told them about it.

When you tell a woman you are dating that you enjoy BDSM, part of her response will depend on where she falls on this continuum. Part of her response will depend on her preconceptions about BDSM and how you present it.

When going the vanilla route, it would help to test the waters to get an idea for attitude towards BDSM. One can do this via a joke, or bringing up a mainstream film or video that has BDSM elements to see what the response is. If the response is negative, either the odds are low or it will be an uphill climb due to negative preconceptions. If she falls near the low-interest end of the spectrum, odds are very little. If she falls near the middle of the spectrum, it is a question of whether the negative preconceptions can be addressed.

If you find negative preconceptions and still think there is potential to explore, it would help to have a compassionate conversation about your interest. I would use baby steps, neutral words, and ideas and terms with which vanilla people can relate. For instance, for baby steps, you might start with talk of a footrub versus talk of her peeing on you. For neutral words, fetish is more neutral than sadism. Mistress and slave invoke stereotypical images more than dominant and submissive.

For terms that people can understand, I would present it as an alternative romantic and sexual expression. I would try to convey that acts of BDSM are not defined by the acts but the context and the spirit behind them. For example, you might make a yo momma joke with a friend or a sibling or call them a dumbass without offending whereas you would likely offend if you did the same with the stranger. In fact, such a joke with a friend can actually count as a positive relationship expression because the spirit behind the act comes from humor and from a positive place. Similarly, it is not the act itself but the spirit behind the act that matters. In BDSM, acts that might be thought to be unfriendly are defined not by the act but by the spirit. Because the spirit behind the acts comes from a good place, these acts become positive relationship expressions. Just like dancing is an activity a couple might do as part of expressing their relationship, in BDSM spanking becomes an activity that serves a similar purpose.

Be compassionate and try to empathize with how she might feel. How would you feel if a guy you know asked you to experiment sexually with him if you are straight? Imagine a kink that turns you off. How would you feel if your girlfriend asked you about that kink? Tell her you understand that there are negative stereotypes and you would like to give a more realistic portrayal to let her see how she feel about it then. Give space and let her know it is ok to have reservations but you would love it if she would be open to talking about it. Books can help. Documentaries can help. There are some good documentaries out there. I don't remember what all is on this documentary but I remember being impressed by it: http://www.bdsmdocumentary.com/

I recall a conversation with a domme who was introduced to BDSM by her lover. She said that becoming involved with a BDSM forum helped because it let her see that the people in it were like everyday people. Conveying this, or letting her see this for herself might help as you go along.

If her interest falls below the midpoint of the continuum, there is still a possibility but it depends on where she is on the scale and all else. How a woman will feel about the activity itself will depend on the rewards and costs. The rewards could be whatever gratification she finds in it (whatever direct pleasure she might get out of it, gratification in roleplaying, seeing it as a creative expression, finding gratification in doing something for a lover) and costs would be whatever drains her (energy required for doing something that she finds uninteresting, guilt, etc). What can be done so that it is more rewarding for her? Can it be done in a way that it makes it more interesting for her? For example, I recall comments from a domme who does not enjoy crossdressing but enjoys being in control. Her SO enjoys it so she participates in it but directs how it is to be done--she does it in a way that it involves or touches upon what she likes. Can something similar be done by thinking about what your girlfriend might enjoy?

People also engage in an activity simply because it is important to their partner. After all, men go to sappy films, don't they? ;-) What is important here is the frequency and the overall relationship satisfaction. What I said about the balance between rewards and costs applies to overall relationship satisfaction also. The more overall relationship satisfaction, the more a partner can engage in an activity for sake of the other partner. However, the more taxing this activity is for her, the more it takes away from the overall relationship satisfaction. So you might find that she has the energy to do it once a month but beyond that it begins to be too much. Incidentally, being similarly flexible for what she enjoys will help. Proactively encouraging her to share about what she might want to do will help.

If you find that it is simply a question of incompatibility, rather than trying to force it further, you should just move on.

Good luck.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 12/2/2009 1:45:02 AM >

(in reply to Thenewaccount10)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/2/2009 1:48:11 AM

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Thenewaccount10
Sorry Butterfly, that is how a Domme on another fetish site describe how she liked to treat men. :P I really cannot say what it is that attracts women to it as I am not one, sorry if my suggestions are way off.

If you are trying to do this with a girlfriend, you are seeking a romantic BDSM relationship. It would help for you to see examples of romantic BDSM relationships, for that will give you ideas about a relationship model both for your own understanding and for sake of being able to describe to a prospective partner.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to Thenewaccount10)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/2/2009 6:05:31 AM

Thenewaccount10

Posts: 67
Joined: 11/9/2009
From: Wisconsin
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UmbraDomina

To the OP: I am confused...... you say I want her to be dominant, I would be happy if she did this and that, but the whole idea of submitting to another is to do THEIR will, her will is to NOT be your Mistress. So you think even though she has said no, and has zero interest you can create the perfect dom out of her against her will? doesn't sound like a submissive act to me, sounds like a greedy, selfish boy who only is worried about getting what he wants and the hell with what your partner feels or wants.

Here's a clue, NOT EVERYONE IS INTO BDSM!! if she is not, then she is not, she will not suddenly take a magic-dom pill and want to spank your ass, and lead you on a collar. Either be happy with what you have or move on.

Thank you for your advice, but you misjudge me and do not know what you are talking about. At that time I was not into 'kink' at all (unless you consider a minor foot fetish I have had since like 12-14 kink), and did not try to introduce her to kink. I am a submissive person by nature and have been since I was a child, and I simply wanted to encourage her dominant side. She was a very dominant person by nature I thought, at least in public. When it came to us though she let me call all the shots, even when she did not like my decisions. Whenever we argued she would just cry and give in after a few minutes. She asked me before she did anything (she literally would call me and ask what colour clothes to wear to school sometimes).
I did not try to force her into kink, just submit to her and let her know that she could call the shots, and that I would love her and be obidient if she did. I thought that that power and freedom would appeal to her. She was a feminist (a really hardcore one), but did not live it out in her relationship with me. I mean, for fricks sake, the first time we met and started talking was after she kicked me in the balls after our Taekwondo class as a 'joke'. I hated pain and did not have a ballbusting fetish, but it was that feeling of her loving to exercise power like that at my expense that first attracted me to her. The problem is that in a relationship she seemed to be an entirely different person. I was not trying to 'control' her or whatever you think. She was in everyway a dominant person in her public life, and I thought that she was just to afraid of breaking the mould in her private life. I did not mean to make her feel pressured, and surely not to make her break up with me.
I know you are trying to help, but I think you are making some big assumptions about something you do not know. I am not sure if you read what I asked, but I asked if it was possible to encourage and nurture a naturally dominant woman's dominant side so that it can grow, not if it was possible to force a vanilla woman to be kinky. I am sorry to be harsh, but your reply was (intentionally or not) insulting wrong.

(in reply to UmbraDomina)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/2/2009 9:51:54 AM

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Thenewaccount... you are discribing how your ex acted with you and after reading that, how could you ever believe she could be a dominant when she acted submissive with you? It seems you could not see her for the dominant she was with other's and submissive with you which could have come from some belief system she held that wasn't related to bdsm or kink or was simply how she was.

I believe that most people wish to be seen, heard and loved for who they are, which is what most men coming here to ask about the topic you have asked about, want, besides any kink they might desire. They want their spouse to see them as submissive and to be dominant to them. She was wanting you to see her as well and you didn't see her enough to know that she simply could not be dominant to you as she was actually submitting to you and your will. In her outside relationships and life, she was a dominant person but in her personal relationship with you, she submitted to you. I would dare say that I would feel wounded if my more personal relationship style wasn't seen by my partner and I would then not believe he could love me fully if he clearly didn't know me.

You say that when in an arguement, she would cry and give in to you even if she didn't like what you decided. You also say that she would call you and ask what she should wear. She sounds like she was doing everything she could to be pleasing to you, but she couldn't do the one thing you wanted, which went against her nature or belief in how a personal relationship should be. When you wanted her to change her personal style of how she was with you, you were asking her to go against her true self that you were not able to see and you were trying to change her. That would hurt far more than finding out your partner had a foot fetish.

I would suggest for you to actually stop thinking of the past unless it is to examine how you acted and what effect that might have had. Then learn more about the dominant and submissive natures and how they play out or manifest with some people. Look at animals. Take the kink or fetish aspect out of it all and try to learn and understand dominance and submission before you try to involve yourself in a relationship. If you don't have a half decent understanding of it all, I would think it would be much harder for you to find what you are seeking or to more importantly... know yourself.

< Message edited by Lockit -- 12/2/2009 10:38:31 AM >

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RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/2/2009 10:17:29 AM

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Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Thenewaccount10

quote:

ORIGINAL: UmbraDomina

To the OP: I am confused...... you say I want her to be dominant, I would be happy if she did this and that, but the whole idea of submitting to another is to do THEIR will, her will is to NOT be your Mistress. So you think even though she has said no, and has zero interest you can create the perfect dom out of her against her will? doesn't sound like a submissive act to me, sounds like a greedy, selfish boy who only is worried about getting what he wants and the hell with what your partner feels or wants.

Here's a clue, NOT EVERYONE IS INTO BDSM!! if she is not, then she is not, she will not suddenly take a magic-dom pill and want to spank your ass, and lead you on a collar. Either be happy with what you have or move on.

Thank you for your advice, but you misjudge me and do not know what you are talking about. At that time I was not into 'kink' at all (unless you consider a minor foot fetish I have had since like 12-14 kink), and did not try to introduce her to kink. I am a submissive person by nature and have been since I was a child, and I simply wanted to encourage her dominant side. She was a very dominant person by nature I thought, at least in public. When it came to us though she let me call all the shots, even when she did not like my decisions. Whenever we argued she would just cry and give in after a few minutes. She asked me before she did anything (she literally would call me and ask what colour clothes to wear to school sometimes).
I did not try to force her into kink, just submit to her and let her know that she could call the shots, and that I would love her and be obidient if she did. I thought that that power and freedom would appeal to her. She was a feminist (a really hardcore one), but did not live it out in her relationship with me. I mean, for fricks sake, the first time we met and started talking was after she kicked me in the balls after our Taekwondo class as a 'joke'. I hated pain and did not have a ballbusting fetish, but it was that feeling of her loving to exercise power like that at my expense that first attracted me to her. The problem is that in a relationship she seemed to be an entirely different person. I was not trying to 'control' her or whatever you think. She was in everyway a dominant person in her public life, and I thought that she was just to afraid of breaking the mould in her private life. I did not mean to make her feel pressured, and surely not to make her break up with me.
I know you are trying to help, but I think you are making some big assumptions about something you do not know. I am not sure if you read what I asked, but I asked if it was possible to encourage and nurture a naturally dominant woman's dominant side so that it can grow, not if it was possible to force a vanilla woman to be kinky. I am sorry to be harsh, but your reply was (intentionally or not) insulting wrong.

It sounds like you made the mistake of assuming a dominant persona in public means the same in the bedroom. It doesn't. How we behave behind closed doors and in relationships often has nothing to do with how we act at work or in other social situations. Some submissive men find themselves attracted to controlling, demanding, "bitchy" (in a good way) women who are "ballbusters" (tongue-in-cheek) and they court them for months, only to find out in the bedroom the woman's response to his kinky advances is sadly just as firm: "Fuck no. Never." Oops. Now what?

My first experimentation, long before I knew what S&M was, included tying up boys and watching them try to get away. I preferred this to barbies or playing doctor and it was all harmless and involved no nudity or anything weird. Soon after my 'first kiss,' after I learned that boys did not have cooties, I wanted to do things like bind their wrists together or blindfold them. In my late teens I was hair pulling, lightly slapping, biting, restraining and roleplaying because I thought it was SO exciting. This was all before my first orgasm and before my first sexual intercourse.

My kinky desires just sort of evolved. I get incredibly excited (both sexually and -- well, some other rush, I can't explain it) when a man endures suffering, pain or humiliation in order to please me. It's not just a hobby, it's a bit of a compulsion, but a good one.

Akasha

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(in reply to Thenewaccount10)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/2/2009 11:14:25 AM

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Status: offline

Lockit and Aakasha did a wonderful job concerning the follow up statements. I hardly know if I should go through the keystrokes to add. There are such blaring contradictions in the response by the OP, I have to wonder if they are even being seen?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Thenewaccount10
At that time I was not into 'kink' at all (unless you consider a minor foot fetish I have had since like 12-14 kink), and did not try to introduce her to kink.

Followed immediately by

quote:

I simply wanted to encourage her dominant side.

Do you honestly not understand that a power imbalance relationship *is* a kink? It's not the S/m part, but it absolutely can be seen by some as one. Take for example how some people are turned on by just not being in control.

quote:

She was a very dominant person by nature I thought, at least in public.

Followed by

quote:

When it came to us though she let me call all the shots, even when she did not like my decisions. Whenever we argued she would just cry and give in after a few minutes. She asked me before she did anything (she literally would call me and ask what colour clothes to wear to school sometimes).

How many Dominant women on this board have had submissive males who fell exactly into this description? I have to wonder if the OP has never heard the term 'alpha male in all other areas in life, but submissive at home' because that's exactly what I'm hearing here. It almost makes Me wonder if the woman prefered the submissive side, rather than vanilla at all.

quote:

I did not try to force her into kink,

and then

quote:

just submit to her and let her know that she could call the shots, and that I would love her and be obidient if she did.

If you were attempting to have her call the shots and she didn't want to, in a sense, you were forcing her. And here's the biggest one of all....

quote:

The problem is that in a relationship she seemed to be an entirely different person.

I have no idea of how this all transpired between the two of you, but in what you've written here, on this one issue, it just screams incompatibility. The rest of the relationship might have been great, and you may feel like you were being subtle about it all, but it doesn't seem to have turned out that way.

Sea did a wonderful job of writing out suggestions in the ways you can approach this with a vanilla person. Still, I have to admit that, even as I was reading it, I was thinking about all of the time he invested in writing it out. The key word in that thought, is time. How much time are you going to put into a relationship in the *hope* that the woman you are seeing will fall into a certain part of that spectrum? It makes one wonder, considering how much time it took him to write it out, how much time does it take to apply his advice? By then, are you invested in the rest of the relationship with someone who might be a great person and fit into the rest of your life wonderfully, but then........?

It could be that I've just been around these forums too long and I've read just too many tales of couples who are a great fit in all other aspects of life, but one is interested in wiitwd and the other isn't. Take yourself a bit of time, use the search function, and read some of the stories that have been here on this same subject. It can be heartbreaking in some cases. Spend just an hour or two reading some past threads and you may understand why it's better to get this particular issue of compatibility straight right from the beginning.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/2/2009 1:08:18 PM

Drifa

Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Thenewaccount10
I simply started becoming obidient to her and giving her more control hoping that she would enjoy it and explore her dominant side more. It backfired though and she did not like the way I was acting and asked me about it. I told her and she was pretty disgusted with the idea.

This is what we call a relationship bait-and-switch. When the two of you got together, she was attracted to who you are and how you behaved. Then you changed all that and you can't blame her for being upset about it... you were no longer acting like the guy she'd chosen initially.

Without knowing exactly how you explained your desires to her, we can't judge if there's any way to go back and explain it better to her. However, honesty is a great policy in relationships. I would sit down for a serious discussion with her, and explain that you have these desires, exactly what you want. If she is unwilling to give you what you must have, then realistically, you are going to get it elsewhere... whether you decide to break up with the GF and find a kinky domme GF, or maybe she'd be okay if you went for no-sex paid sessions with a pro-domme?

The big thing is, if you are still with your girlfriend, and are actively looking for some one new, that's just cruel. Break up with her like a gentleman BEFORE you start looking for the next.

If you do decide to look for someone new, then check out local groups in your area. Googling for "bdsm wisconsin" I found a couple that may be useful starting points:
http://www.drkdesyre.com/meetppl/orgs/orgswest.html#WI
http://community.livejournal.com/wisconsinkink/

Most groups hold casual events called "munches", which is basically everyone meeting for coffee or lunch somewhere and getting to know one another. That's a great way to meet actual kinky people.

(in reply to Thenewaccount10)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/2/2009 1:10:48 PM

Thenewaccount10

Posts: 67
Joined: 11/9/2009
From: Wisconsin
Status: offline

Thank you all for your replies. I guess I view Dominance and submissiveness a little differently. I will do more research, and more reading. And yes, you were right, I was never incredibly aware of her needs. It was not that I did not try to be, but I was very dense (much more so back then than I am now if you could believe that. I was very young and it was my first major relationship).
I am going to be going to a munch this Friday, and hopefully talk to people and learn more. I think it would be best for me to keep my kink and vanilla relationships separate (one at a time of course :P). Thank you all who gave me good advice. I did not realise how little I knew till I read some of your posts.

Could the mods kindly close this thread now if no one wants to add anything?

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/2/2009 1:15:50 PM

Thenewaccount10

Posts: 67
Joined: 11/9/2009
From: Wisconsin
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Drifa

quote:

ORIGINAL: Thenewaccount10
I simply started becoming obidient to her and giving her more control hoping that she would enjoy it and explore her dominant side more. It backfired though and she did not like the way I was acting and asked me about it. I told her and she was pretty disgusted with the idea.

This is what we call a relationship bait-and-switch. When the two of you got together, she was attracted to who you are and how you behaved. Then you changed all that and you can't blame her for being upset about it... you were no longer acting like the guy she'd chosen initially.

Without knowing exactly how you explained your desires to her, we can't judge if there's any way to go back and explain it better to her. However, honesty is a great policy in relationships. I would sit down for a serious discussion with her, and explain that you have these desires, exactly what you want. If she is unwilling to give you what you must have, then realistically, you are going to get it elsewhere... whether you decide to break up with the GF and find a kinky domme GF, or maybe she'd be okay if you went for no-sex paid sessions with a pro-domme?

The big thing is, if you are still with your girlfriend, and are actively looking for some one new, that's just cruel. Break up with her like a gentleman BEFORE you start looking for the next.

If you do decide to look for someone new, then check out local groups in your area. Googling for "bdsm wisconsin" I found a couple that may be useful starting points:
http://www.drkdesyre.com/meetppl/orgs/orgswest.html#WI
http://community.livejournal.com/wisconsinkink/

Most groups hold casual events called "munches", which is basically everyone meeting for coffee or lunch somewhere and getting to know one another. That's a great way to meet actual kinky people.

Thank you Drifa. We broke up on my first year in college. We have not even spoken more than three times since. Yeah, I know you are right, I did something dumb, but I did not mean to hurt her. And I would never have relationships with her and someone else at the same time. I am not that type of person. I may be kinky, but I do have religion and morals.

(in reply to Drifa)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/2/2009 1:24:11 PM

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Thenewaccount,

The Mods don't make a habit of closing threads upon the thread-starter's request. One reason is that this thread may help lots of readers, perhaps in a similar position to your own, along the road. Thank you for being brave enough to start it.

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(in reply to Thenewaccount10)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/2/2009 2:42:15 PM

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Thenewaccount10

And I would never have relationships with her and someone else at the same time. I am not that type of person. I may be kinky, but I do have religion and morals.

Since you obviously need a lot of education in several areas, and you're already going to be doing some reading anyway, you might want to check out the poly boards.

I don't mean to sound insulting, but the above was a rather disrespectful comment.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Thenewaccount10)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/2/2009 4:20:25 PM

Thenewaccount10

Posts: 67
Joined: 11/9/2009
From: Wisconsin
Status: offline

I am sorry Lady Pact, I did not mean it like that. I was not talking about poly relationships, I was talking about cheating (ei, having a relationship with someone else behind her back). Poly relationships do not do it with me, but I have nothing against them.

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/2/2009 4:24:32 PM

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Joined: 12/18/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Thenewaccount10

I am sorry Lady Pact, I did not mean it like that. I was not talking about poly relationships, I was talking about cheating (ei, having a relationship with someone else behind her back). Poly relationships do not do it with me, but I have nothing against them.

I have a difficult time saying something that I've never done either does, or doesn't do it for me. Lots of that kind of stuff going around in our plastic world these days......

(in reply to Thenewaccount10)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/2/2009 4:31:05 PM

Thenewaccount10

Posts: 67
Joined: 11/9/2009
From: Wisconsin
Status: offline

I mean that I am not attracted to them. I may like them if I tried them, but I value bonding with your partner (something that I am horrible with :P), so I am just not attracted to a poly relationship, because if I have such a hard time bonding with one woman, I could just imagine how bad I would be with two. :P

(in reply to Underumam)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/2/2009 4:38:38 PM

Posts: 485
Joined: 12/18/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Thenewaccount10

I mean that I am not attracted to them. I may like them if I tried them, but I value bonding with your partner (something that I am horrible with :P), so I am just not attracted to a poly relationship, because if I have such a hard time bonding with one woman, I could just imagine how bad I would be with two. :P

Seems to me you're having a hard time bonding with females on such a simple thing as posting here too. Maybe you're seeing some weaknesses that once worked on, would open some doors for you.

(in reply to Thenewaccount10)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/2/2009 11:55:21 PM

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
I was thinking about all of the time he invested in writing it out. The key word in that thought, is time. How much time are you going to put into a relationship in the *hope* that the woman you are seeing will fall into a certain part of that spectrum?

You make a good point about how much time to invest. I think it's something that should be probed early on.

It seems UmbraDomina saw it correctly and the OP was too focused on self. After reading more from the OP, I might have given him the benefit of doubt more than I should have.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 12/2/2009 11:59:36 PM >

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/3/2009 1:01:53 AM

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I hope you won't take My comments in a negative light, Sea. I thought you did a wonderful job in explaining your insights. As usual, you do not disappoint.

For what it's worth, I tend to see Myself as a very focused individual. I have the comfort of having very little of the issues that the OP seems to face. Those that I did have at one time can often become a distant memory.

One last thing. I don't think your time was wasted here. The great thing about these threads happens to be that they remain, OP or no OP.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to undergroundsea)

RE: Dommes, how did you get into the lifestyle? - 12/3/2009 7:52:30 AM

Thenewaccount10

Posts: 67
Joined: 11/9/2009
From: Wisconsin
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
I was thinking about all of the time he invested in writing it out. The key word in that thought, is time. How much time are you going to put into a relationship in the *hope* that the woman you are seeing will fall into a certain part of that spectrum?

You make a good point about how much time to invest. I think it's something that should be probed early on.

It seems UmbraDomina saw it correctly and the OP was too focused on self. After reading more from the OP, I might have given him the benefit of doubt more than I should have.

Cheers,

Sea

No sea, you did not waste your time. I very much appreciate your advice and thank you for it. I didn't mean to come off as self-focused.

(in reply to undergroundsea)

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