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Sexual sadists and kinky people NOT in the 'bdsm commun... - 1/31/2010 3:53:21 PM

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I have met some subs who had "kinky girlfriends" in the past who would not go so far as to label themselves as "into the lifestyle" or would even shy away from terminology like Mistress or dominatrix (what pop culture tends to call women who are sadists, whether or not they are pro). Yet the ladies were undeniable kinky, enjoyed delivering pain, etc. They just didn't read about it, research it, go to bdsm events, or really care. They just introduced their "urges" to partners and indulged when they felt like it.

Surely there are more outrageously kinky people out there - even though they really don't participate (in forums like this), go to fetish events, or even label themselves as "lifestylers."

I am curious how many female subs, for example, had met (in their vanilla passing) men who were deliciously kinky and good at it, but not really lifestylers and had no desire to get into that. Were these men good at being dominant, or capable "tops" but just not "lifestylers"?

And what about sub men - have you met women, through dating and experimenting, that honestly enjoyed being cruel and kinky, but weren't into the lifestyle per se?

Akasha

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RE: Sexual sadists and kinky people NOT in the 'bdsm co... - 1/31/2010 3:57:21 PM

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I've found rather large groups of people who are not "in the lifestyle", but still participate in kinky play.

Many of them are turned off by the "lifestyle"'s sense of all-inclusiveness, and prefer to remain among people of what they feel is their superior socioeconomic class. Others realize that they don't need the "lifestyle" to validate or protect them, and have no need for the "lifestyle"'s rules on consent or respect, because they can get what they want just fine without it.

The "lifestyle", as we call it, contains people of all possible walks of life and social backgrounds, whose commonality is 'WIITWD'. There's plenty of other enclaves that gather around other commonalities, that also happen to include things that we might recognize as WIITWD - but they don't need us.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Sexual sadists and kinky people NOT in the 'bdsm co... - 1/31/2010 3:59:40 PM

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Sounds like my Owner. He cares nothing about BDSM trappings unless you count toys.

Isn't every one always saying that there is no Lifestyle anyway?

Neither of us go to events, munches or care to. While he knows I chat and use forums it just holds no interest for him, being dominant and kinky is just who he is. Not so much what he is.

He doesn't call me his submissive but he will tell me that he enjoys that I am submissive to him. I don't call him Master or even Owner, but while typing here it is easier for me to use the honorific Owner to designate who he is and what he means to me.

Now that I think about it, any BDSM trappings that we do happen to have are on my behalf lol.

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~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Sexual sadists and kinky people NOT in the 'bdsm co... - 1/31/2010 4:07:20 PM

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quote:

I've found rather large groups of people who are not "in the lifestyle", but still participate in kinky play.

This has been my experience as well. That is why it is so easy to flip vanilla men. ;-)

- LA

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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

RE: Sexual sadists and kinky people NOT in the 'bdsm co... - 1/31/2010 4:17:48 PM

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Every man I've ever been with have been what others here call "kinky" and all were dominant personalities. The only ones who ever identified as being "kinky" or used the words we do here were the ones who labeled themselves as into "bdsm" or "into the lifestyle".

The rest were just folks who didn't care about such terms and most had never even heard of the terms and I didn't really care one way or the other if they had. They met the needs I had.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: Sexual sadists and kinky people NOT in the 'bdsm co... - 1/31/2010 4:28:20 PM

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I didn't get into the public scene, or formal BDSM educational writing, or any of the "lifestyle" stuff until a few years ago. I've met most of my previous partners though vanilla hobbies. Some of them already had some experience, others had an interest but no experience, others were openminded. All of them had at least *heard* of BDSM and had some familiarity with the basic concept.

(in reply to littlewonder)

RE: Sexual sadists and kinky people NOT in the 'bdsm co... - 1/31/2010 4:34:10 PM

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From: Belfast, NI
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Pretty much all my friends are "kinky 'nillas" or otherwise willing to experiment with their sexuality. My housemate is a horrible sadistic man and I think he's a pretty good top, he certainly knows his stuff on the bondage and toy front anyway. He's always tying me up and gluing my hair together or forcing me to watch Felix the Cat, the bastard. He would never tell his women what to do outside the bedroom though, so he's not dominant all the time.

Another of my girlfriends has a collection of impact toys far bigger than mine (to be used on her boyfriend and herself) and a full-on leather Domme outfit, but again she limits it totally to the bedroom. She's definitely sadistic and admits that most of her fantasies resemble episodes of Criminal Minds more than anything else, she just has no interest in full time D/s or any "lifestyle" trappings.

(in reply to littlewonder)

RE: Sexual sadists and kinky people NOT in the 'bdsm co... - 1/31/2010 4:55:49 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

And what about sub men - have you met women, through dating and experimenting, that honestly enjoyed being cruel and kinky, but weren't into the lifestyle per se?

One of my earliest D/s experiences was with a "vanilla" girlfriend in college who was extremely dominant, even though she was totally oblivious to the "lifestyle", and didn't consider herself to be the least bit kinky.

She would always take charge in her relationships, especially during sex. It was her way or the highway. She would give orders like a drill sergeant.

When i asked her about her dominant nature, she said that she had always been like that. She said that guys had always wanted to be with her, and she learned at an early age that guys would do what she told them to in order to be with her. So she always told her boyfriends what to do. If they disobeyed her, she would kick them to the curb, knowing that there was a long line of other guys hoping to date her. She said that whenever she would break up with a guy, they would always beg her to take them back. Before she's agree to take them back, she would make sure that they understood that they were to obey her when she told them to do something. She said that they would always agree.

Most outsiders thought that her boyfriends were just "pussy whipped". They didn't realize just how deep her control went. Her relationships were female-led. She was definitely a Domme, even though she was unaware of the lifestyle, and probably wouldn't have related to the title. In fact, she probably would have spanked any of her boyfriends who dared tell her that she was a "Domme".

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Sexual sadists and kinky people NOT in the 'bdsm co... - 1/31/2010 5:12:50 PM

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quote:

When i asked her about her dominant nature, she said that she had always been like that.

She sounds like how I was before I discovered WIITWD.

- LA

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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

RE: Sexual sadists and kinky people NOT in the 'bdsm co... - 1/31/2010 5:17:50 PM

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From: SIR LIX OF ATLANTA
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quote:

Now that I think about it, any BDSM trappings that we do happen to have are on my behalf lol.

Could you please elaborate?

You also said he doesn't call you his submissive, but do you call yourself a submissive? Do you personally think you are in any particular lifestyle?

In your mind, do you see him as a boyfriend or husband or what?

Is there any form of honorific that exists between you and him? Meaning, do you address him as "Sir" or whatever?

SL

(in reply to camille65)

RE: Sexual sadists and kinky people NOT in the 'bdsm co... - 1/31/2010 5:21:15 PM

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Joined: 8/9/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

I have met some subs who had "kinky girlfriends" in the past who would not go so far as to label themselves as "into the lifestyle" or would even shy away from terminology like Mistress or dominatrix (what pop culture tends to call women who are sadists, whether or not they are pro). Yet the ladies were undeniable kinky, enjoyed delivering pain, etc. They just didn't read about it, research it, go to bdsm events, or really care. They just introduced their "urges" to partners and indulged when they felt like it.

Surely there are more outrageously kinky people out there - even though they really don't participate (in forums like this), go to fetish events, or even label themselves as "lifestylers."

I am curious how many female subs, for example, had met (in their vanilla passing) men who were deliciously kinky and good at it, but not really lifestylers and had no desire to get into that. Were these men good at being dominant, or capable "tops" but just not "lifestylers"?

And what about sub men - have you met women, through dating and experimenting, that honestly enjoyed being cruel and kinky, but weren't into the lifestyle per se?

Akasha

As to the bolded part, yes, each and every one of them were not in the lifestyle, and some had never even tried the kink out They were just kinky bastards who were lucky to run into me.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Sexual sadists and kinky people NOT in the 'bdsm co... - 1/31/2010 5:26:48 PM

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Yes, I've known a couple of men like that. Alpha, dominant, kinky, delicious in their knowledge and skill, and not involved in the lifestyle and not self-identifying as dominants.

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RE: Sexual sadists and kinky people NOT in the 'bdsm co... - 1/31/2010 5:35:47 PM

Level

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quote:

Ialdabaoth:

Others realize that they don't need the "lifestyle" to validate or protect them, and have no need for the "lifestyle"'s rules on consent or respect, because they can get what they want just fine without it.

This is what popped into my head; how many of these "non-community" people cross certain lines, that we generally wouldn't? In other words, does being a part of a community, even if it's only through books or the internet, give people a guideline on how far to take certain things?

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Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

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RE: Sexual sadists and kinky people NOT in the 'bdsm co... - 1/31/2010 5:49:02 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

quote:

Ialdabaoth:

Others realize that they don't need the "lifestyle" to validate or protect them, and have no need for the "lifestyle"'s rules on consent or respect, because they can get what they want just fine without it.

This is what popped into my head; how many of these "non-community" people cross certain lines, that we generally wouldn't? In other words, does being a part of a community, even if it's only through books or the internet, give people a guideline on how far to take certain things?

I think it will vary according to how ethical they are and how much common sense they possess. Long before I knew about the bdsm community, I implemented my own use of "safewords" when roleplaying with a teenage boy (I was a teenage girl of course) and making him "pretend like he wanted to be let go and resist my kisses." It's common sense to know that a code word should be put in place when you are playing make believe games.

Akasha

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to Level)

RE: Sexual sadists and kinky people NOT in the 'bdsm co... - 1/31/2010 5:49:39 PM

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From Cosmopolitan Magazine: 30 Things to Do with a Naked Man

Highlights are:
#4: Break Out the Blindfold
#12: Boss Him Around
#14: Make Him Beg
#20: Taunt Him - "A little torture builds a man's anticipation so that when you finally do pounce, every touch is extra delicious."
#23: Tie Him Up
#27: Toy with Him
#30: Play Rough

This is what you find at your supermarket check out! Ok, it's not ultra kinky, but it has the basic elements of kink. Kink is everywhere.

- LA

< Message edited by LadyAngelika -- 1/31/2010 5:58:19 PM >

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RE: Sexual sadists and kinky people NOT in the 'bdsm co... - 1/31/2010 5:56:37 PM

Posts: 1073
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From: Tempe, AZ
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quote:

This is what popped into my head; how many of these "non-community" people cross certain lines, that we generally wouldn't? In other words, does being a part of a community, even if it's only through books or the internet, give people a guideline on how far to take certain things?

Oh, absolutely. I know plenty of men who could give a fuck about "consent" - they get what they want, and that's that. They don't objectify women because the women want to be objectified; they objectify women because women are disposable toys, and what are you going to do about it if you don't want them to? They have more money than you, better lawyers, and better last names, and the police and judges like the cut of their jib. And these people typically spend vastly more money on fetish gear and furniture than you or I do.

Likewise, I know plenty of women who love to humiliate men, and if the man doesn't want to be humiliated, so much the better. They use their looks and their upper-class bearing to find boys that want them, and then degrade and humiliate them for kicks. And yes, what they're doing is absolutely "kink" - it's just "kink" divorced of any of our community's standards, ethics, rules, or mores - because they don't need them.

(in reply to Level)

RE: Sexual sadists and kinky people NOT in the 'bdsm co... - 1/31/2010 6:07:13 PM

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From: Austin Texas
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MASTERLIX

quote:

Now that I think about it, any BDSM trappings that we do happen to have are on my behalf lol.

Could you please elaborate?

You also said he doesn't call you his submissive, but do you call yourself a submissive? Do you personally think you are in any particular lifestyle?

In your mind, do you see him as a boyfriend or husband or what?

Is there any form of honorific that exists between you and him? Meaning, do you address him as "Sir" or whatever?

SL

In reverse order:
No I don't use any honorific, I use his name. He calls me pet or baby girl.

I see him as 'what' lol, he is not a boyfriend or husband. I think of him as my Owner, he guides me. Disciplines me. Organizes me. Plays with my body in delicious ways with delicious implements when he wants to. Makes sure I stay on track with stuff that needs to be done or disciplines me for not. Encourages me. He is very bright with a quiet dominance. The kind of person who automatically leads but only after letting someone else try.

Yes I call myself his submissive. I am submissive and finally very comfortable with myself. We met in an adult chatroom where he knew that I was looking for D/s cyber. While he believes and knows I'm his sub, it isn't something that he would ordinarily verbalize except that it makes me happy to hear it from him. The same with my collar, normally it wouldn't be an act he would think of but he understands that having something tangible is something I need. He gives me hard play when I need an emotional release, he gets off on physically pushing me further and further. I get off from trusting himHe also gets satisfaction from taking care of me.

If I said that I were interested in doing local stuff, I'm sure he would support me in that. But I've come to realize that for right now and the foreseeable future I'm fine without that stuff.

I don't know if I really answered any of your questions very well but I tried.

_____________________________

~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to MASTERLIX)

RE: Sexual sadists and kinky people NOT in the 'bdsm co... - 1/31/2010 6:09:56 PM

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Joined: 6/19/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

quote:

Ialdabaoth:

Others realize that they don't need the "lifestyle" to validate or protect them, and have no need for the "lifestyle"'s rules on consent or respect, because they can get what they want just fine without it.

This is what popped into my head; how many of these "non-community" people cross certain lines, that we generally wouldn't? In other words, does being a part of a community, even if it's only through books or the internet, give people a guideline on how far to take certain things?

I think having some sense of "community" standards does give some sort of framework to a lot of people's practices. I think it may also give them the good sense to stay quiet about some of their more.....interesting practices. This can be protective for some and highly restrictive to others. I don't think it mean those standards are necessarily flawed, but not meant as a hard and fast set of absolutes.

Unfortunately, I have found a lot of people who are "kinky" but not "in the lifestyle" are not because of some perceived slight due to those standards. Maybe they were snubbed because they weren't perverted enough. Maybe they were hurt by someone who was supposedly playing by the rules. Maybe they ended up on the wrong side of the law simply because the community frowned upon what they chose to do within their relationship. Any number of senarios often drive people into the shadows. Sometimes it is just plain safer there.

I think there's a little something to spice up any vanilla offering. They either don't realize it is kinky or they hide it thinking they have to be the only one. They may not yet have a handle on how they feel about these things. They may just want to do things their own way without all the rules of engagement we place upon each other. I didn't do much looking around when I was single. I didn't have run ins with particularly kinky people. I think you find what you ultimately are. When I finally realized what was going on, it was amazing how kinky my world became. Until then, I was basking comfortably in the vanilla sunshine.

lovingpet

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(in reply to Level)

RE: Sexual sadists and kinky people NOT in the 'bdsm co... - 1/31/2010 6:12:36 PM

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From: London, England
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Generally when I meet "kinky" non-lifestylers, they've always been submissive. I actually know quite a few kinky submissive people who have no interest in formalised BDSM, but very, very few dominants.

To be honest, I think my ideal relationship would be with a dominant person who wasn't so much into the lifestyle and just enjoyed dominance and sadism on a more casual, less structured level. Those people are rather difficult to come by, though.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Sexual sadists and kinky people NOT in the 'bdsm co... - 1/31/2010 6:15:22 PM

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Joined: 5/10/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
This is what you find at your supermarket check out! Ok, it's not ultra kinky, but it has the basic elements of kink. Kink is everywhere.

Yes! Isn't is awesome?

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

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