RE: Well, you all were right about him...

RE: Well, you all were right about him... (Full Version)

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afterforever -> RE: Well, you all were right about him... (2/8/2010 8:08:17 AM)
Don't really have any advice to add to what others have said, just wanted to add some hugs. And definitely keep in mind what beth said, being vanilla is no proof that a guy isn't abusive, my one and only 'nilla ex cracked my jaw when I told him I was leaving. I think being single for a while is a good idea anyway.

ShaharThorne -> RE: Well, you all were right about him... (2/8/2010 8:08:49 AM)
Be sure to contact a kink-friendly counselor. That should be your first priority. I am sorry that he ignored your safety code. He is not the right guy to be with. He is a user and abuser (sounds like my exe-hubby).

WinsomeDefiance -> RE: Well, you all were right about him... (2/8/2010 8:21:05 AM)
I hear you still defending him after a fashion. It is ok to remember the positive things that drew you to him, but don't romanticize them. It is very easy, once the bruises fade, to begin missing the very person who abused you. People ask victims of domestic violence all the time, why they went back. I'm glad you are not going alone, but if you can live without what you left behind, leave it. There are few possessions in life that are worth putting yourself at risk over. God, this kind of stuff just makes me ill. WinD

LinnaeaBorealis -> RE: Well, you all were right about him... (2/8/2010 8:24:22 AM)
Good advice, Winnie. I was in an abusive relationship when I was a young woman. I left & went back countless times. Then one day, I heard this little voice that said, "You don't deserve to be treated this way" & I was able to finally leave him for good. He too was funny & smart. Between the beatings he made me laugh lots. When you know in your gut that you don't deserve that treatment, nobody can treat you that way. [:)]

WinsomeDefiance -> RE: Well, you all were right about him... (2/8/2010 8:34:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LinnaeaBorealis Good advice, Winnie. I was in an abusive relationship when I was a young woman. I left & went back countless times. Then one day, I heard this little voice that said, "You don't deserve to be treated this way" & I was able to finally leave him for good. He too was funny & smart. Between the beatings he made me laugh lots. When you know in your gut that you don't deserve that treatment, nobody can treat you that way. [:)] Thank you. My ex-husband asked me, "why did you leave me?" He sincerely did not undersand why. I told him, "Because I will no longer let someone tell me I'm worthless, and believe them." He was a very charismatic man. Good looking, successful in his field. Charming and funny. When he wasn't killing our family pet and threatening me and the children with the same fate if we 'didnt' shape up'. Or kicking me, or choking me, or threatening me with knives. I don't like to talk about this stuff, and I don't do it for sympathy. I'm not a victim, and enjoy a happy life now. But, if my experience can illuminate a little darkness for others, I will share it. Now I feel dirty....ick, gonna go shower and find my happy place again. WinD

lizi -> RE: Well, you all were right about him... (2/8/2010 8:39:35 AM)
I don't have much to add either except my sorrow that things turned out for you this way. I also want to stress what others have said about not letting him talk, email, phone, or anything else. You might start to listen again and the things that drew you to him will be on display and they'll attract you again. Predators are very very good at what they do because they play on our weaknesses. He will be very charming and so apologetic or whatever else he needs to be to get you back. It's easier at this point for him to try to get you back because starting the whole process over with someone else will take more effort and he knows what you liked about him and what worked for you before. It's always a personal downfall of mine that I start to think about going back when i hear from someone again. If you dont' have any contact what he did will be the foremost thing in your mind and you'll stay away. I think Sternfather had a good idea about having more than one person with you when you go to retrieve your stuff. It's not so much that you need the protection as much as you'll have more witnesses and he'll think twice about saying or doing anything in front of more people.

Elizabeth666 -> RE: Well, you all were right about him... (2/8/2010 8:45:56 AM)
I totally agree with everyone here. All the advice that was given has been excellent. Just remember, you are a beautiful woman, inside and out and NO ONE deserves to be treated that way....EVER. You made the right decision to walk out, now just stick to that, don't let him sweet talk you. Be the strong woman you know you are. hugs

xxblushesxx -> RE: Well, you all were right about him... (2/8/2010 10:13:34 AM)
Just a few quick thoughts after reading this thread: That guy is a true user and abuser. AVOID at ALL COSTS! I'm SO sorry that this is your first foray into the bdsm world, and this is what you got. As you said before, many of us are cherished and adored, and if something in a scene is taking us to a bad place, the scene STOPS. I don't even have a safeword, but I know that He stops. As was said, this has much less to do with bdsm, and everything to do with abuse. What do you have at his house? I'd leave it there and tell him to shove it unless it was a diamond ring my great great grandmother Helga gave me, or medicine that I couldn't replace and would die without. Just walk away. I know in a way, you want the big goodbye...look at what you're gonna be missing, etc. It's just not worth it. Leave it. I believe that you can trust the RedMagic one. If he says no possiblity of play, and you show up wearing nothing but nipple clamps and bells, he'll take you to lunch and have a conversation with you. Real gentlemen keep their word. As others have said, block his emails, block his phone, and don't see or talk to him any more. Naive does not mean stupid. Just because you made a mistake, you don't have to continue to beat yourself up over it. Take some time to be good to yourself. You opened yourself up and were rewarded with cruelty instead of kindness. It's not your fault. Some of these guys are VERY charming, and it's difficult to see beyond that. Remember for next time though, when a man shows you what he is (the night he made you stay in that position for an hour and told you he had a vendetta against you) believe it. Lots of doms are even friends with their ex'es and their exes will vouch for them. (I have a time or two) If a dom is still friends with several exes, and they are willing to vouch for him, it says alot about him as a person, doesn't it? You're a sweet and smart girl; you'll get this all figured out in no time!!

domiguy -> RE: Well, you all were right about him... (2/8/2010 10:19:31 AM)
Sweet. Good luck in finding your next 'nilla abuser. It is bound to happen. It sucks when folks get involved in relationships just because they might feel that it is better than being alone. I usually lean to the contrary. Whatever. You are probably doomed.

xxblushesxx -> RE: Well, you all were right about him... (2/8/2010 10:31:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: domiguy Sweet. Good luck in finding your next 'nilla abuser. It is bound to happen. It sucks when folks get involved in relationships just because they might feel that it is better than being alone. I usually lean to the contrary. Whatever. You are probably doomed. Never listen to this guy.

RCdc -> RE: Well, you all were right about him... (2/8/2010 10:39:43 AM)
Yes, told you so. I am not going to be all insincere and say I am sorry for what you went through. You were silly and didn't communicate with him properly and instead, jumped into play with someone you already had reservations about. Doesn't matter whether he was into BDSM or not, you would have done the same had he been vanilla. If you should learn from this, cool. What you should be learning is that your judgement sucks and you aren't strong enough to say no. Getting into any relationship without sorting that out first means, like domi said, you will probably be doomed, regardless. the.dark.

OnlineFunForYou -> RE: Well, you all were right about him... (2/8/2010 10:43:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx quote: ORIGINAL: domiguy Sweet. Good luck in finding your next 'nilla abuser. It is bound to happen. It sucks when folks get involved in relationships just because they might feel that it is better than being alone. I usually lean to the contrary. Whatever. You are probably doomed. Never listen to this guy. I fully agree with you, Christina.

RCdc -> RE: Well, you all were right about him... (2/8/2010 10:45:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OnlineFunForYou quote: ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx quote: ORIGINAL: domiguy Sweet. Good luck in finding your next 'nilla abuser. It is bound to happen. It sucks when folks get involved in relationships just because they might feel that it is better than being alone. I usually lean to the contrary. Whatever. You are probably doomed. Never listen to this guy. I fully agree with you, Christina. But why? the.dark.

ForeverOwned -> RE: Well, you all were right about him... (2/8/2010 10:51:51 AM)
My good wishes are with you too, and i hope that you ignore anyone on here or in real life that tells you, you deserve what you got or i told you so. You made a mistake, and those who put you down for it...well the rest goes without saying. Take care, and embrace all the loving and caring posts that are on here.

lusciouslips19 -> RE: Well, you all were right about him... (2/8/2010 10:59:29 AM)
I think people tend to jump into sexual relations and kink relations with someone too fast. I think it takes time for someones true colors to come out. If people took more time getting to know someone before playing with him. Also getting to know friends and family of the person. if youre going to play with someone you dont know well its best to do it in a public members only club where a dungeon Master is there to make sure you are being tended too. But do look at your behavior and what you did to compromise your safety and then do things more cautiously.

RCdc -> RE: Well, you all were right about him... (2/8/2010 11:01:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ForeverOwned My good wishes are with you too, and i hope that you ignore anyone on here or in real life that tells you, you deserve what you got or i told you so. You made a mistake, and those who put you down for it...well the rest goes without saying. Take care, and embrace all the loving and caring posts that are on here. Patting her on the back and saying there there, for making a mistake that was avoidable because she didnt trust herself isn't helpful to her. She isn't being put down but lifted. Master would say 'exalted'. She needs to learn to trust her gut and herself - it's there and inside her - her previous posts exuded it. But she deserves to be given the confidence to act on it... not petted and mollycoddled. Shes a beautiful, bright person who fucked up because she was too afraid to stand up for herself and it's a travesty that she should put it down to the fact that she should now look for a non kink relationship and loose herself just because some idiot man said he was a dominant. Or as domi pointed out - if only in his own way - she will be doomed to make the same error because unless she can stand up for herself regardless of being vanilla or bdsm... she may end up repeating a patten of abuse. I find it rather condecending that you are making the accusation that those that are offering not to mollycoddle someone as being not being included in your love and caring posts. It's absolutely awful that you take all as the same and do not see the compassion that someone might feel and label them as 'goes without saying'. I think that the OP should take everyones words and contemplate them and would never dream of advising her to ignore certain segments. Nobody posts because they don't give a damn. They post because they do.(sorry domi if that messed with your persona). the.dark.

HisSub1213 -> RE: Well, you all were right about him... (2/8/2010 11:10:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie he ignored my safeword this weekend. He says I have problems communicating my emotions, so he was trying to get me to cry and let things out... he had me, with my face in his lap, a fist full of my hair and was caning my ass and back. He was picking me apart emotionally. I was crying and begging for him to stop (hadnt used the safeword at this point), when he brought the cane down so hard. I screamed "RED" (our safeword) and backed away as far as I could, he grabbed me tighter by the hair, pulled me back to him, the whole time I was sobbing "you have to stop, I said Red" and he caned me harder saying that in this context, he couldnt becuase I was using the safeword to get control of him. He also broke a hard limit of mine... and I let him. not becuase i wanted to serve and please him, but becuase I was afraid of what would happen to me if I didnt. :( needless to say, its over. and I dont even want another Dom... the next man I get into anything with will be vanilla, I need someone tender at this point. Ohhhh sweetie, I'm so sorry to hear this happened. I honestly don't know what to say. I'm glad that you're not going to see this person again. I've had a couple of bad experiences myself, and know that eventually things get better. Don't just give up on what you need. If you need to talk, you can email me here. Hugs to you.

TapedxCookie -> RE: Well, you all were right about him... (2/8/2010 11:11:49 AM)
I do know that I need to have courage to stand up for myself. But its hard when you have someone breathing down your neck (or more appropriately, beating on you) telling you that you are weak and worthless, and the only way to better yourself is to give in to him and that you should be grateful that he is willing to make you better than what you currently are...

LaTigresse -> RE: Well, you all were right about him... (2/8/2010 11:15:05 AM)
You can believe them or you can tell them to sod off. Telling an asshole to sod off does not make you a bad submissive or a bad person. People will always treat you the way you allow them to.

RCdc -> RE: Well, you all were right about him... (2/8/2010 11:21:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie I do know that I need to have courage to stand up for myself. But its hard when you have someone breathing down your neck (or more appropriately, beating on you) telling you that you are weak and worthless, and the only way to better yourself is to give in to him and that you should be grateful that he is willing to make you better than what you currently are... Lordy TC, I absolutely dig you, I do. I get that it's hard. I also am pretty damn sure you can do this and get through it and come out stronger - just don't fall into the belief that a nilla man wouldn't do that to you too. the.dark.

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