stella41b
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Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
Yes, we had an occasional rough spot. We once crossed a low spot in a field that looked perfectly fine, only to sink him chest deep in mud. It had a dry crust on top and looked like solid ground......but hid a danger I had not forseen. Fortunately I bailed quickly, he was able to get out, and neither of us were hurt. However, he did regress a bit and it took an hour the next day to convince him to walk through a ditch. He had lost his trust in me and I had to regain it. We worked it out and everything was fine. Since then we have gone through many ditches and ravines, a few creeks and rivers. Even mud holes....after I knew they were not going to swallow him.
That horse and I got to know one another. He knows that I will not ask him to do anything to hurt him so he does what I ask. I care about him and would NEVER ask him to do anything I thought for a moment would cause him hurt. I want to keep him around, I love the bugger. I want to know that I can trust him to do what I ask so I do not push him beyond our unspoken, but known and agreed upon, limits.
Fantastic OP (and my editing offer still stands BTW) but it's the above which stands out the most for me.
I think too many people get carried away with the fantasy, the roles, rituals, the power dynamics and the kinks so much that they forget or fail to realise that even more so than out there in wider society the basis of WIITWD and BDSM is people and human nature.
What gets you places here isn't the flogger techniques, rope techniques, reading the works of John Milton or knowing all the intricacies of both the M/s and D/s dynamic, but something far more basic - knowledge of yourself and who you really are, and knowledge of other people and an understanding of human nature.
This has been the subject of many a late night conversation with Prin, filed under of course 'getting to know a dominant'. Both of us have difficulties in finding relationships for different reasons through who we are, but this isn't the only explanation. I steadfastly refuse to 'get to know a dominant', but prefer to 'get to know a person', and I've even had it on my profile that I'm not prepared to consider anyone as a dominant who isn't prepared to share a committed friendship with me on equal footing first, or even go through the initial stages of a vanilla relationship.
Is this because I'm not really all that submissive? No it isn't. While I'm not really a scene person I know I can play hard and fast with the best of them, I've also more recently had casual play experience on the other side of the kneel and have discovered that I can get just as much buzz out of being a dominant - with the right person. But I've also met people who can do impressive things with floggers and canes and when you ask them to explain what they get out of it they kind of look sheepish and struggle to come up with words.
Sometimes I go through profiles or read messages sent to me and there's this kind of 'dispensability' which often goes through my mind that in the anticipated relationship if not me it could easily be someone else, because all this other person is looking for is someone to fulfill a role in their life. They're not looking for any sort of deep or meaningful relationship, they just want the role and the superficial stuff. This is when that question goes through my mind 'What's the point?'
Sure I can no doubt find someone to hook up with and go through the motions, but to me this isn't really submission, or domination, or whatever else people want to call it, it's going through the motions and at best play acting. It isn't going out of your way to please your dominant knowing full well that what you are doing is pleasing them, or giving them a buzz, and through knowing them and the relationship they have with whatever you're doing and understanding why you're doing it and why they enjoy it, and sharing that same buzz together but from different perspectives.
This is how I relate to submission (or dominance) it's got very little to do with what we are doing, the activities, the kinks, but far more to do with the relationship, the knowledge and understanding we have of each other, the trust we share, the emotional intimacy, the fact that we can be with that person at our weakest, most vulnerable, that we can share our innermost feelings and thoughts without needing to measure our words or fear rejection or judgment. And it is so because this is the basis of the relationship.
This is why I'm not really that much into safe words, BDSM checklists, hard limits, but more into communication, contact, time, personal integrity and emotional transparency. These to me are the keystones not only of any relationship, but also of any dynamic.
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