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RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submiss... - 3/1/2010 11:56:23 PM

seekingOwnertoo

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quote:

So, I guess it takes all kinds.

Yes, it does! And if it works for you ... that is the key.

But i think it is important to reiterate, that with some men, the relationship is on the line when the Lady is really poly.

And although my past experiences were when i (and they) were quite a bit younger, words cannot describe the pain ... when the relationship gets taken for granted.

And eventually, the one sitting at home ... decides to walk away ...

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submiss... - 3/2/2010 8:11:09 AM

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I'm sorry but I read this through three times and I can't honestly say that I understand what you are saying, PeonForHer. Before I comment I want to make sure I understood a bit better.

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

FR

Well, I'm amazed at the responses in this thread. Me, I can't handle more than one woman at a time. The emotional energy it takes is too exhausting. One woman, alone, is enough to wrench my heart this way and that. I'd spend a weekend with my last then, come the Monday, develop an overwhelming urge to be sat in a cafe doing my favourite crossword. When it gets seriously heavy I want to get up into the mountains with my tent, utterly on my own. Do dommes boil the emotional centres of their menfolk any less than vanilla women? I don't know. I've yet to find out. But I doubt it.

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RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submiss... - 3/2/2010 8:34:59 AM

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*Chuckle*

OK, it might make more sense if you know that I'm speaking entirely from the basis of the traditional, one-to-one vanilla relationships I've had in the past. Partners have sometimes suspected me of 'two-timing'. I've always been astonished at that. "FFS", has been my standard reply, "One woman is demanding enough. How on Earth do you think I can handle more?"

But the aforementioned basis seems to have little to do with the world of D/s relationships as many others know them (and conduct them apparently quite happily and successfully).

So, in short: take no notice. ;-)

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RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submiss... - 3/2/2010 8:44:02 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

But the aforementioned basis seems to have little to do with the world of D/s relationships as many others know them (and conduct them apparently quite happily and successfully).

So, in short: take no notice. ;-)

No! While I am in theory very committed to poly.. had it work and not work time and time again in my life.. I think sometimes the D/s world looks like its always poly and it isn't. I know so many couples who are very happily monogamous... started that way and will always go that way. In my experience, it seems to work a whole lot better, or people at least seem to be happier than many of the poly situations that I know.

There is room for and need for both. Monogamy has lots to do with D/s and S/M .. and M/s and all kind of relationships.

What is FFS?

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RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submiss... - 3/2/2010 9:06:48 AM

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He's trying to say he's monogamous and that situations resembling polyamory drive him to camp high in the Mountains to commune with nature and regain equilibrium.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submiss... - 3/2/2010 9:59:04 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo
And although my past experiences were when i (and they) were quite a bit younger, words cannot describe the pain ... when the relationship gets taken for granted.

And eventually, the one sitting at home ... decides to walk away ...

That would be bad poly, as a rule. When you're starting a new relationship, it's critically important to take as much or more time and care with your existing partner(s) so they feel valued and appreciated, and reassured of the stability of your relationship rather than threatened or shorted of your time and energy because there's been an add-on.

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RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submiss... - 3/2/2010 10:08:15 AM

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Just as in a mono relationship people can have a bad experience, the same goes for a poly relationship. No relationship is the same, although there may be similarities and as life goes on we experience different things with different people. We grow and change and hopefully don't make the same mistakes over and over again.

I think it is a mistake to believe that all mono or poly relationships are going to be like what we experienced with one or the other and make a judgment on that alone.

I had mono relationships from hell but never had one with poly. That doesn't mean I give up on mono relationships and go the way of poly only. I do what I think is best and makes whoever involved the happiest. I take responsibility in any relationship I am in, to remain true to who I am and do what is best for all concerned. I would hope the people I am involved with would do the same.

Everyone needs to feel safe and secure in a relationship and each relationship and person needs attention and focus. If you are paying attention and really want things to work, it doesn't matter if it is poly or mono, you will stand a chance of assuring that everyone is taken care of. It's when we let life baggage and challenges trap us that we often have difficulties.

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RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submiss... - 3/2/2010 12:13:22 PM

seekingOwnertoo

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Well these waters are getting a little choppy … so i don’t know why i am wading back into them. But i have a few more thoughts, and i can’t seem to restrain myself from further discussion. So here goes …

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer

quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo
And although my past experiences were when i (and they) were quite a bit younger, words cannot describe the pain ... when the relationship gets taken for granted.

And eventually, the one sitting at home ... decides to walk away ...

That would be bad poly, as a rule. When you're starting a new relationship, it's critically important to take as much or more time and care with your existing partner(s) so they feel valued and appreciated, and reassured of the stability of your relationship rather than threatened or shorted of your time and energy because there's been an add-on.

LNT, i understand and appreciate Your thoughts. And i am sure in Your relationships You are quite accomplished.

i also believe You and i can agree, that no two people are the same. W/we have a lot of different wiring ... and wiring sets.

Yet, for some men, such as myself, the relationship is always at risk. Not just at start up. But always.

One false move ... one mistake ... can, and does, blow up the entire scenario. And that mistake can occur even two years after an add on.

In my experience it is when the "poly" partner takes the others acceptance of it for granted.

For example ... calls Her husband at work at 10 in the morning after being out all night the night before; laughing and joking saying meet Me at home at six PM sharp.

Of course, the husband is home at six ... as the clock ticks ... seven, eight, nine ... no phone call from Her, and She does not answer Her phone at work. (Pre-mobile phone days).

Fatal mistake. Ten years later, She was still trying to seduce Her ex-husband, and all he could say was "i am mentally and emotionally involved with someone else."

And this is why i say, there is always risk, with some men. And it really has to be handled at all times with kid gloves.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Since he can't offer me that, he understands my need to exercise my kinky urges now and then with "new victims."

He just doesn't want me to fall in love with any of them, and he doesn't want me to be in danger. As long as those two things are protected, he's ok with it.

The latter is a sentence that i understand emotionally ... while the former is a sentence i understand mentally. That is why earlier ...

quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo

Another big thing that periodically concerns me, the type of Lady i seek, is also <likely> a natural predator. i do have a deep seated fear of all that could imply, to a long term relationship........

To which i will add, if my esteem and trust for a Lady is well placed ... and the desire for polyamory was in Her. i would go along. i have before. But then, i also know i need a lot more attention and communication! :-) Because the polyamory would be very one sided; as intimacy is very important to me. And I cannot cope with more than one Lady at a time, intimately.

And i mean on an ongoing basis. <smiles>

Because if left purely to my choice, i would choose monogamy.

There are just too many burned bridges behind me to say otherwise.

(in reply to seekingOwnertoo)

RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submiss... - 3/2/2010 12:28:39 PM

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Would a 'closed' poly situation change your thoughts and feelings on the matter, seeking? I'm just curious, because it seems that your experience has been only one of your partner(s) dating whomever, while you're at home - but that's not the situation for all poly people. We don't really date around, and if/when we find a second boy, then we'll be done. We'll all be in the house together, there will be no dating outside of the family (thus, no sense of being left at home while the partner is courting someone else).

ETA - LNT is correct in her assessment of your previous partner's behavior. Poly is often used as an excuse to cheat, but that's not what poly is. It seems that your ex wasn't really poly ... she was just a player/cheater.

< Message edited by SweetDommes -- 3/2/2010 12:54:02 PM >

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RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submiss... - 3/2/2010 12:45:16 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo
In my experience it is when the "poly" partner takes the others acceptance of it for granted.

For example ... calls Her husband at work at 10 in the morning after being out all night the night before; laughing and joking saying meet Me at home at six PM sharp.

Of course, the husband is home at six ... as the clock ticks ... seven, eight, nine ... no phone call from Her, and She does not answer Her phone at work. (Pre-mobile phone days).

Fatal mistake. Ten years later, She was still trying to seduce Her ex-husband, and all he could say was "i am mentally and emotionally involved with someone else."

And this is why i say, there is always risk, with some men. And it really has to be handled at all times with kid gloves.

Okay, that is just fucked up behavior. Poly is not an excuse. In fact that behavior is the opposite of doing successful poly.

I would not do what you are describing to a friend, a business colleague or even a casual acquaintance. It's discourteous and inconsiderate. I certainly would not do it to someone I cared deeply about. If I find that I really want or need additional time to spend with another person or on a personal project, I have the courtesy and consideration to let anyone I may have a prior appointment with know, as far in advance as possible so that they may make their own plans. That's just behaving with normal human dignity and respect for yourself as well as others. If I break my given word, what is my word worth? If I act with wanton carelessness, disorganization and disrespect, what does that say about me as a person? Nothing good, and nothing I could look in the mirror and live with.

I don't really see "risk" here. I see choices. Your choices are to act like an inconsiderate asshole or not to act like an inconsiderate asshole. If you act like an inconsiderate asshole, you are going to lose your partners' trust and faith in the relationship and in you. That's going to be true whether you're poly or mono.

< Message edited by LadyNTrainer -- 3/2/2010 12:47:59 PM >

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RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submiss... - 3/2/2010 1:17:42 PM

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Seeking that sounds more like a cruel cuckolding situation than anything I would call poly. That was cruel.

I find it rather upsetting that you would feel that a man is always one step, one fuck up, one bad mood away from emotional disaster and a break up. That is very sad.

Personally and I think many of the dominants around here are very nurturing and loving and they seem to want to make their guys feel secure in the relationship. I mean, how can we do what we do if someone isn't secure? That falls into trust and harm issues that most of us are very serious about getting right.

I'm sorry that happened to you and hope you can see and find a relationship where you don't know such cruelty or pain. Whether in a mono or poly relationship, there can be safety and security and lots of love.

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RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submiss... - 3/2/2010 7:03:17 PM

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LA - in response to your original post (as I see there have been nigh on 50 posted and I haven't had time to read the whole thread)

When I met Otters, I was poly. In some sense, I still am because I have a very close friend (emotional/spiritual not physical) who was in my life before Otters, who I still see once a week. One the other hand, if you define monogamous as sexually intimate, or by exchange of power, than by definition, Otters and I are monogamous.

I do think it's related to having needs met. I think finding that 'other half' is more an exception, than a rule. I've been married 3 times. I didn't get married with the intent of getting divorced. But, in each case, it was the best option. Did I pick bad partners.....no, not for who I was at the time.

Being with one person over a long time is not just about that person being a good fit now. It's about remaining a good fit, as each of us grow, evolve and change.

Otters and I don't have any 'exclusivity' clause in our relationship. The truth is, we just don't 'want' anyone else. Why? Because we do such a darn fine job of complimenting the other's needs. I see Otters as my prime rib, my lobster, and my pad thai......so I am not missing the buffet.

IMO, people are monogamous because their needs are being met. When needs aren't being met, if they are strong enough, people find a way to meet their needs.

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(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submiss... - 3/2/2010 7:51:14 PM

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Thank you for sharing this. I really appreciated it a great deal. This really rings true to me:

quote:

I think finding that 'other half' is more an exception, than a rule.

Also, this struck me as particularly important:

quote:

Being with one person over a long time is not just about that person being a good fit now. It's about remaining a good fit, as each of us grow, evolve and change.

When I talk to my mom about what has made her marriage to my father work for 40 years, she tells me it's about constantly working to make sure where they were aligned and where they weren't. It wasn't so important to ensure that they were aligned on every front, but rather be aware of what their relationship looked like in that snapshot in time and focus on where they were aligned together to keep growing strong.

- LA

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RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submiss... - 3/2/2010 11:24:50 PM

seekingOwnertoo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

When I talk to my mom about what has made her marriage to my father work for 40 years, she tells me it's about constantly working to make sure where they were aligned and where they weren't. It wasn't so important to ensure that they were aligned on every front, but rather be aware of what their relationship looked like in that snapshot in time and focus on where they were aligned together to keep growing strong.

Yes, i have also observed and heard similar thoughts expressed by people i have asked about their long term relationship.

Which is an aspect of what i was trying to express on Your other thread ...

"Female-led relationships: How does your D/s relationship manifest itself beyond kinky sex?"

With my comments "i also believe, relationships are as much about work, effort, self discipline, patience, listening, understanding … and when these exist … passion and intimacy flow naturally … from the heart. It is the same dynamic, whether BDSM or vanilla. The real difference is the sexual expression. <smiles>"

Long term, in and of itself, implies growing togther in those aspects of O/our lives that are critical to the relationship. And sometimes it takes some work and effort ... to keep the synergies working and in sync.

Another way of saying it might be "maturing together".

But i as i mature, i see there is value in learning what worked for those that came before U/us.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submiss... - 3/2/2010 11:38:24 PM

seekingOwnertoo

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SweetDommes, LadyNTrainer and Lockit ...

Thank You for sharing.

i have read much of what You have written on many of these threads. And i know You to be Lady's of integrity and class.

So i do believe what You are saying.

That said, there is a stream of conciousness i have been expressing across two posts ... this one and ...

"Female-led relationships: How does your D/s relationship manifest itself beyond kinky sex?"

So my thinking and expressions are getting intertwined between the two. Thus at times, i might be a little obscure because i am thinking of the bits and pieces here and there as a single thread.

i apologize for this. But will add, i do appreciate what You are saying here. And of course, i will think about Your words in the future.

(in reply to LadyNTrainer)

RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submiss... - 3/3/2010 4:24:21 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

He's trying to say he's monogamous and that situations resembling polyamory drive him to camp high in the Mountains to commune with nature and regain equilibrium.

God, no, CB. Almost the opposite. I *have been* monogamous to date and my partners - on each occasion - have driven me up the mountains to commune with peace occasionally. According to a survey I saw recently 51% of males found their wife/girlfriend more stressful than their job.

I use that past tense because I've seen or heard of quite a few polyamorous situations more recently that seem sound, balanced and happy. I would, totally, still want the one-one-partnership D/s equivalent of my former vanilla relationships and I think I'd probably give up a lot of what I want, kink-wise, to get that. But, my mind's changed a lot over the last couple of years. I'm more open to other possibilities now.

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RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submiss... - 3/3/2010 4:26:36 AM

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What is FFS?

For fuck's sake.

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RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submiss... - 3/3/2010 4:59:02 AM

seekingOwnertoo

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quote:

What is FFS?

For fuck's sake.

Thank you ... i would not have understood that either! LOL

Because, i am not up on the lastest stuff! ROFL

Have a great day, and i hope You had a great B-Day!

(in reply to PeonForHer)

RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submiss... - 3/3/2010 6:49:40 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo
Long term, in and of itself, implies growing togther in those aspects of O/our lives that are critical to the relationship. And sometimes it takes some work and effort ... to keep the synergies working and in sync.

Another way of saying it might be "maturing together".

But i as i mature, i see there is value in learning what worked for those that came before U/us.

Thanks for this, sO2 (yeah, I'm giving you a hip abbreviation ;-)

You know, to be fair, all that is said here applies a much to mono as poly. Poly is just more relationships to manage.

I'm reflecting a lot on this thread. I still do think (hope?) that for me, should I find the right guy, I won't feel the desire to be with anyone else. I have done poly and when I started on these boards 6 years ago, I was quite poly, and it was fun to be honest. But for me, something was missing. I really found myself in my mind wanting to combine all the bits that I liked about each man into one.

I do romantacize monogamy quite a bit, my heart and soul is deeply drawn to it.

- LA

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RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submiss... - 3/3/2010 7:17:58 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
I use that past tense because I've seen or heard of quite a few polyamorous situations more recently that seem sound, balanced and happy. I would, totally, still want the one-one-partnership D/s equivalent of my former vanilla relationships and I think I'd probably give up a lot of what I want, kink-wise, to get that. But, my mind's changed a lot over the last couple of years. I'm more open to other possibilities now.

I fear that some submissive men who deeply desire monogamy and a bdsm relationship might eventually settle for a poly situation because they have not found a Domme woman suited to them who will engage in monogamy with them.

It's not so much about settling but about dealing with the odds for them. I hear that in what sO2 was saying, I feel I hear it in Peon's post but I don't want to project too much. I know that off the boards, I've had men share this with me.

The thing is, that usually, not always, submissive men tend to worship one woman as their Lady. It is tricky, though not impossible, to be devoted to more than one. I would imagine that one would be favoured. I'm going to be a little contreversial here and pull something from the Qur’an: "You are never able to be fair and just between women even if it is your ardent desire…" and I think that if we flip this around, it and change women for men, it would be the same. I imagine that is why in most poly that I've observed, people clearly deliniate a primary over a secondary partner, to avoid such confusion and to manage expectations.

Anyhow, this is a thread about monogamy, not polygamy so I won't go any further on that topic.

- LA

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(in reply to PeonForHer)

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