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RE: The "Submissive Squirrel" - 3/25/2010 11:00:32 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		I believe he really wanted the fantasy in his head, but the reality of it just wasn't what he expected so he moved on. Chalk this one up to experience, learn from it and move on. I've found that when people are oh so eager like this guy, it is fantasy that is fueling them more so then a real need to submit.

Sorry you had to go through this but the road of life is full of pot holes.

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to MistressDarkArt)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: The "Submissive Squirrel" - 3/25/2010 11:36:39 AM   
Voodali


Posts: 255
Joined: 10/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Since I was just getting to know him and understood that he was smitten with the idea of submission/bdsm and not necessarily *me* 


There is a lot of that going around, and therein lies the problem, in my opinion.  This sort of dynamic is fine for occasional play or a monthly house cleaning, but probably doesn't hold any hope for a truly reliable longterm prospect. Sometimes, however, I think we settle temporarily for those who aren't into us per se, or vice versa in order to satisfy the emotional needs of kink.  I admit that I play with people I'm not necessarily attracted to. I know they do the same with me, not because they envision having my puppies, but because I am a domme in the local area.
I'm glad he compensated you somewhat in material things, and I don't mean that in a snarky way.  I mean I'm glad it wasn't simply a comlpete drain of energy, but an exchange of sorts.
It does suck to be someone's experiment, and you have my condolences.

(in reply to MistressDarkArt)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: The "Submissive Squirrel" - 3/25/2010 7:23:34 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I believe he really wanted the fantasy in his head, but the reality of it just wasn't what he expected so he moved on.


You know, that is one theory. And another theory is that maybe he just wasn't that into her. It's blunt, I know. I've met guys who left me after a little while they weren't that into me. What can I do? C'est la vie!

Dating is a selection process.

I'm going to have to agree with Steven, Red and Smutmonger and build on what I wrote in my first post. She attempted a relationship and it didn't work out. The only way to avoid that ever happening in the future is to not attempt another relationship.

Sure if OP is feeling sad about it, I can totally sympathize. But everyone, dominant, submissive and everyone in between has the right to put an end to dating if they feel that it is not working out for them.

THe only advice I can give for not feeling used is to echo Ventrix in the postponing of intimacy to build friendship. If you aren't in the mood to postpone intimacy, that's fine, but then you have to realize that giving him sex or play does not entitle a woman to his commitment.

- LA

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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: The "Submissive Squirrel" - 3/25/2010 7:43:51 PM   
angeldmort


Posts: 54
Joined: 4/19/2009
Status: offline 		I think what jumps out at me is "relentless." At this point, I am somewhat judgemental about a lot of things, and I tend to supect anyone's motivations when they are nearly desperate for it. The idea of being pursued is wonderful... the reality usually doesn't last. If they want it that much, ... as you said - it's not us, it's the idea. As soon as they get what they want, it's not a desperate need anymore. Funny how often it happens just as they get us to give a sh*t.
 
You might consider that with the sudden speed of his change of heart, he might have a classic narcissist disorder - he only chased until hooked you in. Once you were hooked,  he could withhold and make YOU persue, giving him his fix. By suggesting you be "just friends" and that he is still interested in you as a person, etc, he leaves the hook dangling. It would absolutely fit the symptoms. Heavy pursuit, 100% focus, until...
Just a thought.
 
Maybe it's a trust thing. The more flip floppers I meet, the harder it is to invest anything emotionally. I keep waiting for the shoe to drop. If they didn't chase so hard and go so far out of their way to convince us, it wouldn't shake the foundations so much when they blow it off so easily. And you have to wonder about the person themselves - if they can run so hot and cold, and be so sincere about a thing one month, then the next be so disinterested, when can you belive they are sincere? Eventually, you doubt your own ability to discern honesty from a good line, and actual interest from a temporary obsessive. Or a nice guy who had a realization from an emotional manipulator looking for his next feeding source.

(in reply to Voodali)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: The "Submissive Squirrel" - 3/25/2010 7:59:34 PM   
LadyOddsworth


Posts: 141
Joined: 1/2/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha



I am sure you will get a lot of great advice. I want to offer another possible perspective.  If you were his first experience with BDSM, and he burned hard and intense for some period of time over it, do not be surprised if you don't hear from him again in oh...say...about 2 months time.  He will say, "I was wrong, I do need BDSM.  Will you please forgive me and take me back as your sub, please?"  Rinse.  Repeat.

I know it is not the case with all kinky people.  However, I think many of  us have cycles of intensity, desire and predatory/submissive need when it comes to bdsm. When we "long" for extended periods of time, then "gorge" when the opportunity finally presents itself, the feeling of "being full" of S&M feels much like being "done" with it. Which isn't true.  It's like a sleeping beast and will come back again, just as soon as the cycle is ready to start again.  This is the time when many kinky people also feel ambivalence, dread and do things like throw away toys and burn porn.  Only to re-purchase.

It could be he wasn't as kinky as he thought he was and was just experimenting.  But if he's been into this a long time (in his head), and he got his fill, and "overfed" his lusts, he could have just gotten his needs met - for now.

Akasha



Great post.

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(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: The "Submissive Squirrel" - 3/25/2010 8:04:07 PM   
LadyOddsworth


Posts: 141
Joined: 1/2/2010
Status: offline 		I had a sub go form saying "I want you to own me" one week to needing some "space" literally the next. (personal issues). I recently called just to see how he is, we were friends too and I'm not interested in D him again, yet he didn't return the call. I have no idea what's going on in that little sub head of his. Sometimes you never know.
I do know that some subs can be frightened by their drive to submit and need to back off sometimes.

_____________________________

We all have baggage, the question is; Is it carry on or do you need a U-haul for it?


(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: The "Submissive Squirrel" - 3/25/2010 8:14:41 PM   
LadyOddsworth


Posts: 141
Joined: 1/2/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I don't get it.  You tried a relationship, you put effort into it, it did not work out.

Happens all the time.  What's the big deal?


It's not just the ending of the relationship that has OP shaking her head.. it's the whiplash from him stomping on the brakes so hard. I understand where she is coming from. She is probably doubting her people reading skills.. I would be too.

_____________________________

We all have baggage, the question is; Is it carry on or do you need a U-haul for it?


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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: The "Submissive Squirrel" - 3/25/2010 10:06:37 PM   
afkarr


Posts: 328
Joined: 1/13/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyOddsworth

I had a sub go form saying "I want you to own me" one week to needing some "space" literally the next. (personal issues). I recently called just to see how he is, we were friends too and I'm not interested in D him again, yet he didn't return the call. I have no idea what's going on in that little sub head of his. Sometimes you never know.
I do know that some subs can be frightened by their drive to submit and need to back off sometimes.



I had a Dom go from talking about piercings and tattoos one day to I need some space the next to gee, haven't heard from you in a while a month later, so it's not just subs that get squirrely. Bottom line is people are people, regardless of orientation, and sometimes people are illogical, irrational, and just plain hard to figure out. Best you can do when it's clear it's over is cut your losses and move on, proceeding with caution.

(in reply to LadyOddsworth)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: The "Submissive Squirrel" - 3/25/2010 10:30:01 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		When someone is in a hurry or what I call, hungry, it is a sign to me to step back and observe closely if I wish to continue talking to them. I might see something about them that I wish to know more about or wish to understand what the hunger really is about. But I have a stand I will not break and that is I want a strong foundation and that won't happen overnight. I will not play or get too involved until I see certain things. They push at any point and I shut down or shut them down.

If they are really hungry, I will let them know that they will not be fed by me right away and they need to temper that hunger. Most choose not to do that and it save's me the hassle of getting involved with someone who most likely wasn't wanting an investment of any type and more wanted playtime.

This is how I prevent those situations where someone isn't sure or is playing to get or experiment. Can I be fooled? You bet! But it is rare and they don't come off hungry. Now those are the types I would like to know how to prevent if they are not sincere! lol


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(in reply to afkarr)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: The "Submissive Squirrel" - 3/26/2010 12:52:31 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		I can understand how the OP can be hurt and confused by what happened. She wasn't that interested and then she became interested and he broke it off with her. Some have talked about the "hunger" for submission, others about a man who just so enjoys the "chase." It could be either of those things or something else. I think sometimes some dominants seem to be under the mistaken impression that because they are "in charge" that they are the ones who do the dumping and well....that's just kind of hilarious if you think about it. I'm not saying this was the OP's line of thinking, merely that dominants need to realize sometimes they don't really "own" anyone beyond how much that person desires or continues to desire being owned.

I still say that on the other side of this relationship, that the man really stepped up and ended things the right way. I don't care whether it is kink or vanilla, it isn't often that a man will be that up front about how he is feeling and why he is ending things.

While the OP may be questioning her ability to adequately judge people, she really needs to think that she didn't misjudge this man's integrity based on what he did. He may have realized that submission in real life wasn't a match to his fantasy, it may have been he lost interest in her, or any combination of things. In any case, he thought it best to end it and it ended it in a mature, respectful and honest way.

Relationships ending typically suck. You take some time and get over it and then move on. It would be nice if there was a way to prevent an end you don't want but you can't. Analyzing it to death isn't going to help.

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: The "Submissive Squirrel" - 3/26/2010 3:44:04 AM   
MsStarlett


Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline 		LOL!  I still love my first meet with a 'slave' who was 'desperate to be owned' - he screamed a safe word on the first real strike of the whip.  Whining and crawling away he complained "That HURT!"  Well duh.  That wasn't what he had in mind.

_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: The "Submissive Squirrel" - 3/26/2010 5:01:19 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsStarlett

LOL!  I still love my first meet with a 'slave' who was 'desperate to be owned' - he screamed a safe word on the first real strike of the whip.  Whining and crawling away he complained "That HURT!"  Well duh.  That wasn't what he had in mind.


Did you know what his experience, his desires and his limits were? I'm just asking.

I actually find that these kinds of situations result as a lack of communication from both parts. But as a Domme, I take the lead and ask the questions to avoid such situations. If someone is new, even more reason to give him an idea of how things are going to play out. I'm not here to waste anyone's time, especially not my own.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to MsStarlett)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: The "Submissive Squirrel" - 3/26/2010 10:20:39 PM   
johnsub9az


Posts: 11
Joined: 2/12/2009
Status: offline 		While there are different degrees of 'playing' in every sadomasochistic relationship, it is still role playing.  When you were at 0% you were in a role of power, but when you took your interest up to 100% you were in a role of vulnerability.  Ask Akasha about vulnerability and domination... do they mix?

Caveat: I like to think that in my relationship, if my [sadist] girlfriend was in a vulnerable state, I could be comforting.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: The "Submissive Squirrel" - 3/26/2010 11:04:19 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline 		Thank you all again for the responses.  Several of the Mistresses (women) and submissive men covered all the important bases and I appreciate your sharing your experiences, compassion, and insights.  As for the rest of the "Mistresses", as in those of the dominant male persuasion...thanks for the reminder that men and women are not alike in *many* important ways.  'Nuff said there.

I think it's important to note that the sub's "honorable discharge note" (and I agree he has integrity and in many ways, generosity) was in direct response to me requesting some direct-from-him insight into the change of dynamic I could palpably feel.   I do appreciate that he was able to come forward when requested and use the words "I am certain I don't want a submissive relationship with you." Even though I know how this kinky little bdsm D/s dance operates in the cycles so beautifully described by several posters here, when someone says "I'm certain" I do not try to analyze the cr*p out of it but take them at their word as that is what I would want in return.

I never put myself in a position that amounted to feeling "used" nor "owed" nor "entitled" by virtue of my dominant nature nor "burned" as some of the male "Mistresses" projected onto me.  I do identify with all who shared the disparity bummer that can happen in *any* relationship, vanilla or not, where one party pulls out all the stops at the beginning and then just pulls out entirely when s(he) sees it's actually working.  I like the premise that there needs to be a deep personal connection before any play happens and Voodali's caveat that play without that dynamic has other risks, equally as undesirable. 

This topic has many age groups represented here...does anyone near the half century mark or better wonder at times if we're ever going to know enough (expressed so perfectly by angeldmort) to be able to open emotionally without fear knowing that finally...at last...we will be given the gift of connection-in-kind?  As long as we're dreaming here, *and* the connection-in-kind is a kinky submissive male?!

Thanks again to all, including the male "Mistresses."  It was wonderful to peek into your profiles after reading your replies and get to know you.  I even discovered that LadyPact is now living in my home county (uh oh, SLO's in BIG trouble now!!) and that my prior tenants met here on CM (none of us knew we were all kinksters while living on the same property...that could have been very interesting!)

Best to all and may you live to love.
MDA

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: The "Submissive Squirrel" - 3/27/2010 11:20:09 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Thank you all again for the responses.  Several of the Mistresses (women) and submissive men covered all the important bases and I appreciate your sharing your experiences, compassion, and insights.  As for the rest of the "Mistresses", as in those of the dominant male persuasion...thanks for the reminder that men and women are not alike in *many* important ways.  'Nuff said there.


I'm curious why the women who empathised with you are Mistresses and those who gave you a bit more an alternative opinion are "Mistresses". Interesting distinction you make. It speaks volumes.

Secondly, as for the dominant male opinion, I'd say it's pretty spot on. Whenever I have issues with men, I tend to go see my guy friends because they don't get all fluffy with the sympathy but give me the straight up real talk that I need.

As always, YMMV.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to MistressDarkArt)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: The "Submissive Squirrel" - 3/27/2010 11:58:03 AM   
Domin8tingUrDrmz


Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
Status: offline 		LadyA,

The references to "Mistresses" in quotation marks, from my understanding of her post, was toward the male dominants.

Her quote:

"As for the rest of the "Mistresses", as in those of the dominant male persuasion"

Emphasis mine.

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(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: The "Submissive Squirrel" - 3/27/2010 12:05:48 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Domin8tingUrDrmz

LadyA,

The references to "Mistresses" in quotation marks, from my understanding of her post, was toward the male dominants.

Her quote:

"As for the rest of the "Mistresses", as in those of the dominant male persuasion"

Emphasis mine.


Thanks for pointing that out. To the OP, apologies, I misread your post, but I am curious now why you called the male dominants "Mistresses".

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Domin8tingUrDrmz)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: The "Submissive Squirrel" - 3/27/2010 12:14:51 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline 		Thanks Domin8tingUrDrmz, you are correct that is all I meant here and nothing more "volume speaking" than that.   I posted in Ask A Mistress so I could get the perspective of female Mistresses and subs of any gender.  Male dominant replies would belong in Ask A Master; that is why I put "Mistresses" in quotes.  Thank you all again.  I'm glad our community is so involved and I hope as you get to know me here you will find me peaceful, respectful of all and most definitely a NON-FLAMER!!

Best,
MDA

< Message edited by MistressDarkArt -- 3/27/2010 12:17:14 PM >

(in reply to Domin8tingUrDrmz)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: The "Submissive Squirrel" - 3/27/2010 12:21:37 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		People of any gender and D/s or BDSM orientation are allowed to post in any forum we like. The subforums are geared toward different areas of interest, but generally polite and insightful responses are welcome everywhere. I've had two people tell me I shouldn't post here in Ask A Mistress because I have a Master, even though I had a male submissive for 5 years, and currently have a female submissive playpartner.

(in reply to MistressDarkArt)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: The "Submissive Squirrel" - 3/27/2010 12:31:41 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDarkArt

Thanks Domin8tingUrDrmz, you are correct that is all I meant here and nothing more "volume speaking" than that.   I posted in Ask A Mistress so I could get the perspective of female Mistresses and subs of any gender.  Male dominant replies would belong in Ask A Master; that is why I put "Mistresses" in quotes.  Thank you all again.  I'm glad our community is so involved and I hope as you get to know me here you will find me peaceful, respectful of all and most definitely a NON-FLAMER!!

Best,
MDA


Well we've often had discussions over the necessity of such sections but they seem to work. The reality is that there are some male dominants who offer us great perspectives here and we appreciate them. Welcome to the forums.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to MistressDarkArt)
Profile   Post #: 40
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