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"Do-Me" Submissives/Slaves... - 4/18/2010 9:02:38 AM

MissAsylum

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what is your opinion? what do you think goes on inside their minds? anybody have any encounters with one- online and/or real time?

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RE: "Do-Me" Submissives/Slaves... - 4/18/2010 9:11:10 AM

Lashra

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They want instant sexual/fetish gratification I have found. I've run into them online. They want to push their kinks, fetishes onto the Domme and have her perform them for him. Example he says to a Domme whose limit includes water sports: "I worship pussy, I want to lick you for hours and hours and make you cum on my face. Then you will piss on me and mark me as yours". He is already telling her what she will do to him and put a spin on the idea to make it seem like it would be a good thing for her.

I personally don't deal with these bozos, I have better things to do like play with my submissive.

~Lashra

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RE: "Do-Me" Submissives/Slaves... - 4/18/2010 9:18:04 AM

MsLadySue

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It seems to be 90% of those that contact me are "do me" subs. Many are easy to spot by reading their profile since it consists mainly of what they enjoy and what they want to do for the Domme. I rarely come across a boy who doesn't care about themselves and want nothing more than to please me in whatever way I desire.

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RE: "Do-Me" Submissives/Slaves... - 4/18/2010 9:50:10 AM

LadyAngelika

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In my opinion, there are 2 possible explanations for the do-me sub.

1 – They want to bottom, not submit.

I make a great distinction between people who desire to be submissive to a person they esteem is worth their devotion and those who are thrill seekers who have a submission fetish. The latter is a bottom in my opinion.

I actually make no judgement on one being better than the other. However, I know that at this point in my life, I'm not interested in the latter. My contention however is where people aren't able to make this distinction and mistaken their desires for wanting to experience being a bottom with wanting to submit (yes you have to submit to a certain degree to be a bottom, but it is in the moment only).

2 – They do not understand the dynamics of a real D/s relationship (taken from my second post on this thread)

What I am going to presume happens, especially with submissive men who have not had a well-established relationship with a Dominant woman is that they don't get to experience how the dynamics play themselves out and how everyone gets their kink met. They don't get the reassurance that not to worry, if you are with the right Domme for you, you will get your fantasies fulfilled as well, mind you on her terms.

The problem is that many Dommes are approached by many new boys or boys who've had experimentation and play but very little D/s relationship experience. Many Dommes' reaction to this is to have a tendency to want to explore the boy's desire for submission before hearing about their kink: it is a form of triage. The discussion about the boy's kink will come along, but he has to realize that the more he pushes to discuss it in the beginning, the more aggravating it becomes to the Domme.

This might leave some boys who have this inner desire to serve, but not know how to go about, it with the impression that their kink is being overlooked or denied, whereas it often is just a case of them being overly forward and aggressive about it to the point that they turned a Domme off and gave her the impression he was a troll.

The last thing a woman wants to feel is that she's going to be a life support system for a man's kink. She wants to feel that he's devoted to her and her pleasure first and foremost. And once she feels that, he might be pleasantly surprised what she is willing to explore with him.

- LA

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RE: "Do-Me" Submissives/Slaves... - 4/18/2010 10:13:21 AM

pyroaquatic

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I am no Dominant Female but I have one more to add onto that list...

3 - Desperation is a nasty thing. If you appear desperate then you will be rejected. Which then fuels the Desperation even more.

I'm not quite sure if I am a "Do-Me" sub/slave. Maybe a "Do-Her" that waits, observes, listens, and obeys. I am the last thing that is on my mind.

:D

4 - Boredom. Some make prank phone calls, others attempt to force their kinks on another to fill that numb void.

I am sure there are a plethora of reasons.... none of them are appetizing.

moonshadow, moonshadow.....

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RE: "Do-Me" Submissives/Slaves... - 4/18/2010 10:28:59 AM

LadyPact

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I have to agree with LadyA on that one. Part of the issue here is that a lot of folks want to use 'submissive' as a catch all label, when the truth is that isn't especially the best way to identify. (That isn't unique to only one side of the kneel, btw.) In a lot of cases, the term bottom really is more appropriate for those folks who aren't as interested in submitting as they are bottoming. The problem with this is, most Dommes want the whole package, rather than someone who is just willing to play. I don't think that's any big secret.

However, because of that very thing, you have folks not willing to identify as a bottom, because they know that submissives are preferred. This wastes a lot of people's time right from the beginning. You have one person looking for more of a top/bottom scenario and the other looking for D/s. That's a mismatch right there. It's two entirely different goals.

In My honest opinion, there's nothing wrong with being a bottom. Personally, I've said for years that even if I wasn't a Dominant woman, I'd probably still be a top. Why? Because it's fun and I enjoy it. The only difference is that I call it what it really is.

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RE: "Do-Me" Submissives/Slaves... - 4/18/2010 10:43:09 AM

MissAsylum

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very good points so far everybody. for further clarification on the "do-me" type of sub(at least from MY expirence/point of view: 1.those who try to top from the bottom...may irritate, disobey and mouth- off to the dominant to get a reaction. 2.those who get pushy, over aggressive, or go so far as to even threaten Doms and Dommes(not often will it happen to a Dom, but i know a few who have dealt with it) to get their way. 3. for ProDommes(where i have the most expirence)- a) they try to haggle prices down lower or even to free b)threaten to bring in law-enforcement(before or after session) to get a free session or another one. c) push more money on the Dominant to indulge in any type of fantasy the "sub" may have(for me- thats just insulting- you are paying for dominance, where the hell is the respect?)....the list goes on. Why not just be a Dom/Domme if you want to be in charge so badly?

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RE: "Do-Me" Submissives/Slaves... - 4/18/2010 10:57:41 AM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

Why not just be a Dom/Domme if you want to be in charge so badly?

Because they probably like the dynamic of being on the bottom.

The thing we have to realise is that many are just testing the waters and may one day submit to a person they esteem is worth their devotion.

I often compare this to the men and women who in their youth want to play the field with no strings. They want to learn, experience, experiment, etc. And they one day, they meet someone they totally click with and then they are willing to focus on making the relationship work with that person.

I knew a do-me sub who totally submitted once he fell in love.

- LA

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RE: "Do-Me" Submissives/Slaves... - 4/18/2010 11:03:45 AM

MissAsylum

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and i agree with LadyA on the difference of a top and bottom...but its more tailored to the s&m lifestyle then to D/s. if you are really just a bottom- no big deal to me. But when the person keeps trying to hold on to the submissive persona while trying to force their way, THAT is where i have a problem. I wish i had term for my vanilla relationship, because the top and bottom dynamic takes place quite frequently. i'd go to the extent that its not vanilla at all...considering that we dabble in so many alternative styles of sex and whatnot, but there isnt a D/s aspect at all, which is where things are vastly different from my lifestyle as a Domme.

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RE: "Do-Me" Submissives/Slaves... - 4/18/2010 11:32:22 AM

Tantriqu

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

what is your opinion? what do you think goes on inside their minds? anybody have any encounters with one- online and/or real time?

All the time. As mentioned, fetishists, especially foot worshippers, 'forced' bi- and crossdressers, tend to be total do-me bottoms who have their own pleasure completely choreographed.
So if those kinks feature prominently in their profile [and they do], it's unlikely they're interested in the Domme behind the strapon.

But how 'bout when kinks mesh rather than collide? I'd be interested in a man who wants to Queening and watersports.
We're all individuals, and how nice when we complement each other. No 'D' without an 's'.

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RE: "Do-Me" Submissives/Slaves... - 4/18/2010 11:35:40 AM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

and i agree with LadyA on the difference of a top and bottom...but its more tailored to the s&m lifestyle then to D/s.

Indeed it is. Collarme isn't a fetish or an S&M site. It is a D/s site. You'll find a larger gamut on Fetlife. Though I have accounts on both, I tend to gravitate more here as everything that falls in the realm of WIITWD is interesting to me as the dominant in a D/s relationship.

quote:

if you are really just a bottom- no big deal to me. But when the person keeps trying to hold on to the submissive persona while trying to force their way, THAT is where i have a problem.

I agree with you, and when I had play partners, I would say the same. In fact, I felt bottoms easier to deal with as they tended to get less clingy afterwards. I'm not interested in play partners any more so for me, those with a fetish to submit / bottoms aren't of interest to me.

In her post, LadyPact's explains very well why some people misidentify as submissive.

quote:

I wish i had term for my vanilla relationship, because the top and bottom dynamic takes place quite frequently. i'd go to the extent that its not vanilla at all...considering that we dabble in so many alternative styles of sex and whatnot, but there isnt a D/s aspect at all, which is where things are vastly different from my lifestyle as a Domme.

Why does there have to be a term? Every relationship will have different dynamics. Even amongst my past monogamous D/s based relationships there are fundamental differences in dynamics because they were with different people. At the time, I just called them "our relationship".

- LA

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RE: "Do-Me" Submissives/Slaves... - 4/18/2010 11:40:35 AM

Andalusite

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I've been in kinky egalitarian LTRs as a top, bottom, and switch, and I disagree that bottoms are automatically only interested in play, or don't care about their partner's happiness, or even necessarily aren't willing to serve. The system here only mentions D/s orientations, so I can't blame newbies for selecting "submissive" even if "bottom" is more accurate. Usually the distinction takes a while to sink in.

Personally, I'm not into the whole "topping from the bottom" accusations - it comes across as insecurity from the Dominant. I do think that some people who advertise themselves as submissive are pushy and rude, and others are dominant masochists, and others have a focus on a kink either instead of or in addition to the desire to serve. Having a foot fetish or cross-dressing fetish or whatever doesn't make someone a bottom rather than a submissive *if* he is polite and has self-control in expressing his needs. Having *only* that fetish to offer,complete with script, isn't submissive at all, and wouldn't even be much fun as a bottom!

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RE: "Do-Me" Submissives/Slaves... - 4/18/2010 11:57:40 AM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite
Personally, I'm not into the whole "topping from the bottom" accusations - it comes across as insecurity from the Dominant.

This. I couldn't agree more. I have always had a submit or be gone attitude even when I was starting out. Oddly enough, very few left.

quote:

Having a foot fetish or cross-dressing fetish or whatever doesn't make someone a bottom rather than a submissive *if* he is polite and has self-control in expressing his needs. Having *only* that fetish to offer,complete with script, isn't submissive at all, and wouldn't even be much fun as a bottom!

I agree wholeheartedly. It is all in the presentation.

Also, for the record, I don't believe that bottoms only want play. If I gave that impression it was false. What I was trying to get across is that their submission (for lack of a better word) is linked to play. I also realise that Top and bottom have a whole other meaning in many lesbian and gay circles.

- LA

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RE: "Do-Me" Submissives/Slaves... - 4/18/2010 12:07:03 PM

Andalusite

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Oh, I didn't mean topping from the bottom as opposed to submit or go. When my Master and I started dating, if I hadn't been able to submit to him, we probably wouldn't have been compatible, since the D/s is important to him. Personally, when it is there, it is wonderful, but I've had rewarding relationships on both sides of the kneel as well as egalitarian kinky relationships. He's fine with my asking for play, or even for a specific activity. Sometimes the answer is "after dinner," or "No, I have other plans for you," but he doesn't get bent out of shape or accuse me of topping from the bottom because I asked.

I don't nag or try to manipulate him when I get a negative response. If I did, he wouldn't accuse me of topping from the bottom, he'd just put his hand over my mouth or pull my hair to make me shut up, and then tell me to behave myself, and tease me about getting so over-eager and excited.

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RE: "Do-Me" Submissives/Slaves... - 4/18/2010 12:12:15 PM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

He's fine with my asking for play, or even for a specific activity. Sometimes the answer is "after dinner," or "No, I have other plans for you," but he doesn't get bent out of shape or accuse me of topping from the bottom because I asked. I don't nag or try to manipulate him when I get a negative response. If I did, he wouldn't accuse me of topping from the bottom, he'd just put his hand over my mouth or pull my hair to make me shut up, and then tell me to behave myself, and tease me about getting so over-eager and excited.

Smart man ;-)

- LA

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RE: "Do-Me" Submissives/Slaves... - 4/18/2010 12:29:03 PM

LadyPact

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3. for ProDommes(where i have the most expirence)- a) they try to haggle prices down lower or even to free b)threaten to bring in law-enforcement(before or after session) to get a free session or another one. c) push more money on the Dominant to indulge in any type of fantasy the "sub" may have(for me- thats just insulting- you are paying for dominance, where the hell is the respect?)....the list goes on

That's actually a separate category, in My opinion. I would think it would be better to call a client nothing else but client. This eliminates confusion, not only for you, but for them as well.

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The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: "Do-Me" Submissives/Slaves... - 4/18/2010 12:31:32 PM

MissAsylum

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i'm begining to think i'm using the wrong phrase when i say "topping from the bottom". i'm not insecure about anything, the attempts to manipulate me are just annoying. i have no problem while in a session if they try to behave badly to get a response to give them back the money for the unspent part of the session and send them on their marry little way.

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RE: "Do-Me" Submissives/Slaves... - 4/18/2010 12:37:22 PM

LadyAngelika

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That is actually right on the nose LadyPact—we are having another in-synch day I see ;-)

I go see a professional massage therapist. While I am there, her key focus is taking care of me and she puts a lot of effort into that. She also uses her professional judgement to analyse what I need and then give me what I need. Massages are intimate, they require a lot of trust, and they create a bond—especially if you have been seeing the same massage therapist for 10 years like I am.

I've gotten to know a bit of her personal life, have met her husband and her son and so on. But I never make any mistake that this is a client-based relationship that we have, I never try to bargain prices and neither of us overstep each other's boundaries.

I see any kind of relationship such as this one or prodomme—and though I'm not comparing the two, I have called my massage therapist a sadist more than once when she was getting rid of deep knots—or anything that involves mixing elements of ourselves that are intimate with a client-based service as relationships that need a very strict management and a high code of ethics on both party's parts.

- LA

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RE: "Do-Me" Submissives/Slaves... - 4/18/2010 1:22:24 PM

GraciousLady

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I have had way to many encounters in real time with do me subs and I really do not consider these types to be submissives. They are people who want what they want which is not a submissive but a Dominant. I tell these types to get a submissive to do what they want because Dominants (at least this one) will not.

< Message edited by GraciousLady -- 4/18/2010 1:23:07 PM >

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RE: "Do-Me" Submissives/Slaves... - 4/18/2010 7:17:33 PM

TNstepsout

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Yes I have dealt with them. Fortunately I've managed to weed most of them out before I move to real time. But it's still irritating and frustrating. One of the first things I discuss is the type of relationship he is seeking and I invariably get the stock answer "whatever pleases you" blah, blah, blah. I would actually appreciate if he just said "I just want to get to know you and if we click, maybe do a scene from time to time". At least then I would move forward with that in mind. I just think it's instinct for many men to say what they think I want to hear, instead of saying what they are really thinking or feeling. So there's always this dance of trying to figure out what he's really looking for.

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