RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? (Full Version)

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laurell3 -> RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? (5/10/2010 11:57:59 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

fetlife :)

Welcome back LA!



Andalusite -> RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? (5/10/2010 5:58:17 PM)

jb, I *am* a sadist (as well as a masochist),. but my primary motivator is also the other person's reactions, not a set level of force or pain.[:D] Anyway, I really hope things work out as well as you've dreamed! Just be patient with yourself, and with him, if it takes a little bit of an adjustment at first.



lucylucy -> RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? (5/10/2010 9:50:40 PM)

I've found this thread very interesting. Thanks for starting it, jbcurious.

I think for me, what was most important was knowing that Master's motivation wasn't misogynistic; in other words, that he wasn't hurting me because of issues with his ex or another specific woman or women in general. Once I realized how much Master loves women, I didn't think too much about his motivations for doing the things to me that he does. It obviously turns him on and brings him enormous satisfaction and happiness.

I don't know that I could respond very articulately if Master asked me about my motivations for submitting to him. I do it because I feel compelled to; I suppose I assume it's the same for him. Just as his answer for why he wants me to do certain things might be "because I said so," my answer for why I do certain things would be "because he says so." Yes, there are other reasons (I love being controlled by him, feeling his power over me, feeling that he knows and gets every part of me and owns it all), but in the now, the answer is always "because he says so."

So now, having re-read what I wrote, I'm second guessing myself. There have been moments when I've pondered my own motivations intensely, but for the most part, what I've said above is true. On a day-to-day basis, I don't think about my motivations, and my Master has never asked about my motivations and I've never wished that he would.



jbcurious -> RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? (5/11/2010 4:55:24 AM)

Hi LL, It has been interesting for me as well as there are several different views. I really relate to your thoughts about motivation being based on misogeny, I've read a number of profiles that seem to reflect that mindset.

Like you, I don't really understand my own motivation... part of it is sexual, part of it is a need to make someone else happy.

I also have a strong nurturing side which makes me veer away from the more hardline Doms as that doesn't seem to be a trait they desire in a sub.

You seem to have found a good match, hope I'm as successful.



lucylucy -> RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? (5/11/2010 6:24:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious
I also have a strong nurturing side which makes me veer away from the more hardline Doms as that doesn't seem to be a trait they desire in a sub.

I would have said the same thing a few months ago, but then about a month ago something happened that made my Master tell me he was going to be less lenient with me, and to my shock, things have been exponentially better since then--and they were damn good before that! It turns out you can have "hardline" and "nurturing" together. Wow.

Granted, everyone probably has their own definition of "hardline" or "less lenient."




jbcurious -> RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? (5/11/2010 9:45:07 AM)

I appreciate all of the input on this subject. I do realize that what to me is a revelation is often common knowledge to the rest of you.

So many of the activities make sense to me from a sexual perspective, spanking during sex heightens arousal levels for me but outside of that I've had a hard time with the concept and kept thinking "if you care about me, why would you want to hurt me?"

It's all starting to make more sense to me now and I'm gaining a bit more understanding but I'm sure as time goes along more questions will arise or "astonishing revelations" [;)] will make things clearer for me.

I do appreciate all of the responses you generously take the time to write.



UnFlinchingEye -> RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? (5/11/2010 8:25:15 PM)

Very much so. I find I have an almost pathological desire to know exactly what's going on in someone's head. I stop mid-caning and ask what is in her head sometimes.



laurell3 -> RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? (5/11/2010 8:34:08 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: UnFlinchingEye

Very much so. I find I have an almost pathological desire to know exactly what's going on in someone's head. I stop mid-caning and ask what is in her head sometimes.



You wouldn't like the answer I gave if you if you did that with me.....



UnFlinchingEye -> RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? (5/11/2010 8:45:12 PM)

I don't like the answers most people give me when I ask them anything. Besides, I'd know from the pre-game whether it was worthwhile to explore.



lucylucy -> RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? (5/11/2010 8:51:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: UnFlinchingEye
Very much so. I find I have an almost pathological desire to know exactly what's going on in someone's head. I stop mid-caning and ask what is in her head sometimes.

Hmmmm, to me there's a difference between wanting to know someone's motivation and wanting to know their thoughts. My Master requires me to write down my thoughts on many things and I sometimes get into motivations but often don't. I suppose it would make a difference as to whether you stop and ask her, "What's motivating you to keep taking this beating?" or "What are you thinking?" The two questions would probably net very different answers.



UnFlinchingEye -> RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? (5/11/2010 8:57:23 PM)

"Where are you at right now?" is generally what I ask with the obvious understanding that I mean mentally. I would already know from talking why they were taking it. (I hope). My life experiences have instilled a healthy respect for violence and I like to know exactly (as much as possible) what's going on. That sort of question would obviously be less necessary as I got closer to my partner.



DarkSteven -> RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? (5/11/2010 9:01:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious
I've had a hard time with the concept and kept thinking "if you care about me, why would you want to hurt me?"



I love the control.  And what use is control if not used?  The right/ability to spank my partner, to pinch her nipples and pull on them, to take her sexually any way I please... This is the way I use my Dominance, the way I enjoy her.



jbcurious -> RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? (5/11/2010 10:54:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious
I've had a hard time with the concept and kept thinking "if you care about me, why would you want to hurt me?"



I love the control.  And what use is control if not used?  The right/ability to spank my partner, to pinch her nipples and pull on them, to take her sexually any way I please... This is the way I use my Dominance, the way I enjoy her.



*swoon* *THUD*

Like I said... Knowing the motivation makes all the difference for me. [:)]



jbcurious -> RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? (5/12/2010 1:02:04 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: UnFlinchingEye

Very much so. I find I have an almost pathological desire to know exactly what's going on in someone's head. I stop mid-caning and ask what is in her head sometimes.


So you would take me out of the headspace I'm in to handle the caning, make me tell you where I'm at, I hate being made to talk about how I feel, then in that vulnerable state, you proceed with the caning... You are cruel. [:)]



reporting4duty -> RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? (5/12/2010 1:32:59 PM)

It is unimportant to me. All I want to understand is what, not why. Tell me what to do not why you want me to do it. I don't care why. Do what you do and have whatever internal ideas about it that you have, in the privacy of your own mind. If you need to share I can pretend to listen. I prefer grope therapy to group therapy.



Nslavu -> RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? (5/13/2010 5:39:51 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterGoad88

I COULDN"T give two SHITS what MY partner THINKS she wants.  Thta's why I'M the MASTER and she's the SLUTWHORESLAVE.  What the fuck kind of MASTER would ever give a FUCK about his "partner"


Perhaps one whose partner is not inflatable?




lmao [:D]



mnottertail -> RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? (5/13/2010 5:41:54 AM)

Sometimes it is titillating, but it doesn't change what is in any material way.  Might add to the cuteness of the kink, might not.



lally2 -> RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? (5/13/2010 7:48:18 AM)

inquiring minds ask questions but sometimes there is no actual 'why?' its just a requirement and nothing more than that but its in understanding that fact that helps you to accept the simple fact that they want you to do something.

arbitrary requests are fun - its the whole 'they want and expect to get' so cool, no questions required, you can just spin away into that without any need to understand anything.

you can sometimes get too analytical with this, i know i did at one stage and was told i should stop trying to second guess or understand why my Master wants a thing, just accept that he does and go with that.  sometimes asking them 'why?' gets on their tits. [:D]



jbcurious -> RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? (5/13/2010 9:04:35 AM)

Hi Lally, I am talking more about in the "getting to know you" stages. Another "motivation" issue that came up in a recent conversation was humiliation. If the Dom is asking things of me to create some embarrassment or vulnerability...yes it's very uncomfortable for me but I could deal with it... if he's doing it to degrade me, it's not somewhere I can go although I know it works for some.

I should have titled this "prospective partner" as for me understanding the motivation behind the things they want is a good indicator to me, as to whether or not we're compatible. After entering into a relationship I would hope to know my partner well enough not to have to ask these questions.



CaringandReal -> RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? (5/13/2010 4:20:15 PM)

So I'm curious... Do you want your your partner to understand what motivates you?
They usually do so I don't have to want it. :) It would be something I would want if they didn't, however.

Do you understand your own motivation?
Yes, always. And I understand theirs. I've been at this a while. ;)

Or am I just strange in needing this but lucky to have found someone as strange?
Most subs looking for long-term or permanent situations want this sort of understanding, in my expereince. In the getting to know someone stage it's crucial to have it as it tells you what sort of person you are with. Physical acts can be done from lots of different motivations, and those motivations matter becuase they allow you to predict what hasn't happened now but will happen later. Also, it's a significant turn-on, to understand how the other side thinks.



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