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Sadist's? Understanding Needed... - 4/7/2006 7:37:02 PM

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I need help understanding this dynamic of the lifestyle. I am an open-minded non-judgement sub who has had communications with Dom's who also have a Sadistic side but I just say it's not what I'm looking for. I would hate to think that I count someone out because of one factor within them that may not always be constant and yet is it?

Right now, I'm finding I'm freightened of becoming involved with someone who has such interests. To me it seems they 'hate' women and just want to use and abuse them.

Can anyone help me better understand their interests and why? What is at the core of them?

RE: Sadist's? Understanding Needed... - 4/7/2006 7:42:54 PM

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Nice question.

I can't speak for anyone but myself. Hurting is about control. When I spank, pull hair, and so on, I'm doing something which is incredibly basic, but powerful, in establishing and showing control. It's not subtle like, say, mind-fucks or roleplays. But it's intense and very effective. A good slap across the back of the thighs turns my girl into submissive jelly, with that look in her wide eyes saying "Daddy, that hurts, and I love you for it.... I want more". Of course, it helps that she also enjoys it.

I'm not into causing emotional or physical damage of any kind. It's a temporary pain meant to ilicit a response, and it works.

(in reply to acctonthelook)

RE: Sadist's? Understanding Needed... - 4/7/2006 7:48:25 PM

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As a sadist, I can say that I do agree with CanadianGuy in the respect that it is about control. Being able to be purely basic and animalistic in nature; bringing about the look in a girl's eyes that says 'please more' while she's begging you to stop; all the while knowing that she's enjoying it just as much as I am.

_____________________________

Chris

(in reply to acctonthelook)

RE: Sadist's? Understanding Needed... - 4/7/2006 8:04:59 PM

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I can exercise control in many non painful ways, but as far as the pain goes well I just enjoy it and in my relationships I have a right to enjoy it.

I make no apologies nor excuses, I just enjoy it.

(in reply to acctonthelook)

RE: Sadist's? Understanding Needed... - 4/7/2006 8:28:54 PM

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Sadism is not about mysogeny (just ask the Dommes who are); nor is it about abuse, though it can be a cloak for it...I think you need to understand yourself and if their is a fear, identify and try to learn why.
Stimulation is just that, how we perceive that stimulation and process it is how we then judge it and our reaction to it...
Extreme stimulation (just as witholding stimulation) can be a very intense experience and a lot of times this intensity can also cause emotional or memories to come forward...al of it is interconnected and can bring a deep awareness to the experience. Now, the intense behavior can also just be very erotic, very midblowing...fun is a definite important factor...I do agree, control is an important aspect of the interaction; D/s after all...

Good luck in seeking answers...
C

_____________________________

AND I AM TOO AN ASSHOLE, I HAVE REFERENCES!!!

"Please, please, please believe me, I really am an asshole. All that Enlightenment and Higher Learning shit was all a ruse."

(in reply to acctonthelook)

RE: Sadist's? Understanding Needed... - 4/7/2006 8:44:10 PM

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One example that happened while IMing with a Dom here was that he stated he wanted me to follow rules (which I understood) but then he went on to say he wanted to tie me to a tree, give me a warm enema, flog me and f..k me and leave me there and more but I cannot remember all of it.

I told him I was not comfortable with that and that I thought his excitement and laughter at the thought of being able to have me totally submit to his whim of the moment. He was actually very pshycotic about it. He scared the crap out of me.

I hope that's not the norm! Also some profiles read with this type of stuff and that scares me too. Maybe in this respect I'm being a baby? I'm still trying to figure that part out but then again, don't I have a right to say that in my submission that's a hard limit for me and he respect that?

(in reply to CERCKL)

RE: Sadist's? Understanding Needed... - 4/7/2006 8:46:51 PM

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I am not a sadist, but I am a slave to one and very much in love with him. Consensual sadism is not about abuse or hating women. One thing that may help you is to get a good understanding of what you think is abuse. I am not talking what specific actions, but how do you think someone feels when they have been abused. Then compare that to how someone feels that is in a relationship with a sadist. I think that most often you will find some glaring differences.

Some of my favorite moments with my Lord are times when he is being his most sadistic. It is a joy to watch him with others or to have him focus it on me. He is in his element, doing what he does best and having a hell of a lot of fun. If you have the courage and trust to just let go, he can take you on one wild ride. Our last play had me bloody and just craving more.

For my Lord it is about having fun. One thing that he enjoys most is taking something that we find pleasure from and then pushing us to our limit in that area. For me, I really enjoy abrasion play. He took that type of play and pushed me till my body was just absolutely raw and the lightest touch had me crying out in pain. alandra love canes and he will push her very hard with them. Watching us together, it is hard to think it is abusive when she and I have great big smiles on our faces and are quite content.

As for whether it is a constant thing or not really depends on the individual and what you mean by constant. My Lord is always a sadist, but he isn’t always causing pain. There are times that pain is not a part of a particular experience. In our dynamic, our Lord is a very loving and affectionate person. There is always a lot of cuddling, hand holding, caressing, hugs and kisses. Just because someone is a sadist doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t enjoy the gentler things as well.

I will admit that watching my Lord play with any of his bottoms can be a daunting experience for someone new and even for some who have been around awhile. My Lord has given his bottoms one rule, we have no rules. Whatever enters our minds during play becomes an action. We do not think we just react. If he doesn’t like the reaction, then he will control it. It is not uncommon for me to kick, bite, punch, slap, snatch at toys, curse or mock him. It creates some incredibly primal plays for us that can sometimes disturb others. But at the end of the day, we are all having fun.

Hope this helps… please ask questions if you need more information about something I said.

Knight’s kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to acctonthelook)

RE: Sadist's? Understanding Needed... - 4/7/2006 8:48:32 PM

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I may enjoy inflicting pain but I do so with restraint, and never on an unwilling partner.

(in reply to acctonthelook)

RE: Sadist's? Understanding Needed... - 4/7/2006 8:50:44 PM

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Very nicely stated Kyra

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RE: Sadist's? Understanding Needed... - 4/7/2006 9:29:20 PM

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You asked me about what I think a person is feeling when they feel abused. Fear, uncertainty, shame, hurt, emotional disstress, confusion, lack of concentration and much more. I have been abused by several ppl in my life mostly emotionally and once physically. I've come to terms and do not feel as if anyone can 'victimize' me again but I also don't want my past to rule my future.

One thread I came across puts my fears into perspective.
http://www.collarchat.com/When_is_it_too_much%3F/m_315775/tm.htm IMO she should realize that this relationship is not the right one, purely because he is NOT respecting her hard limits. This is part of 'my' fear also because no matter how much I love someone, I cannot stay a victim to a persons whims.

Your home life works for you but I can definitely say it would probably put me in an institution. LOL All the power to you if you can handle those scenes! Wow, intense for sure :-)!

(in reply to kyraofMists)

RE: Sadist's? Understanding Needed... - 4/7/2006 9:45:16 PM

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For me, it's the creation. Whether I conduct a symphony of sound, cries, whimpers or screams, or I feast my eyes on the stripes from my whip, the blood draw from my knife or the portraits I create with wax and needles. I am the creator of reaction and I adore it. That said, I would never break a human toy. I want to play with it again after all.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to acctonthelook)

RE: Sadist's? Understanding Needed... - 4/7/2006 9:47:12 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: acctonthelook
You asked me about what I think a person is feeling when they feel abused. Fear, uncertainty, shame, hurt, emotional disstress, confusion, lack of concentration and much more. I have been abused by several ppl in my life mostly emotionally and once physically. I've come to terms and do not feel as if anyone can 'victimize' me again but I also don't want my past to rule my future.

One thread I came across puts my fears into perspective.
http://www.collarchat.com/When_is_it_too_much%3F/m_315775/tm.htm IMO she should realize that this relationship is not the right one, purely because he is NOT respecting her hard limits. This is part of 'my' fear also because no matter how much I love someone, I cannot stay a victim to a persons whims.

Your home life works for you but I can definitely say it would probably put me in an institution. LOL All the power to you if you can handle those scenes! Wow, intense for sure :-)!

I have read that thread and in my opinion that has little to do with sadism and a lot to do with someone not understanding their own responsibility to self. But we each make our own choices in life and have to take responsibility for them.

As for sadism, it is not synonymous with not respecting limits. Sometimes that is true, but you can't make a blanket statement that all sadists will not respect your limits and it would be inaccurate to assume that all sadists are abusers.

The important thing is to get into a relationship dynamic that suits you. You have to find what works for you.

My life can be very intense.... For me, I revel in it. I take all that intensity that he directs towards me and give it back in full measure. I feel powerful, energized, renewed and at peace.

Knight's kyra

< Message edited by kyraofMists -- 4/7/2006 9:50:50 PM >

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to acctonthelook)

RE: Sadist's? Understanding Needed... - 4/7/2006 9:53:38 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
As for sadism, it is not synonymous with not respecting limits. Sometimes that is true, but you can't make a blanket statement that all sadists will not respect your limits and it would be inaccurate to assume that all sadists are abusers.
Knight's kyra

Well I hope I have not assumed anything. That is why I posted the question to understand it better. I just have a fear that it will be abusive. Does that make sense?

(in reply to kyraofMists)

RE: Sadist's? Understanding Needed... - 4/7/2006 9:59:59 PM

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quote:

I just have a fear that it will be abusive. Does that make sense?

It makes perfect sense, and it's a fear that many have when trying to distinguish between abuse and the physical side of sadism ( I use the word physical to distinguish between the different aspects )
I was severely abused as a child, yet it took a sadist who enjoyed the giving of pain to show me that there is a difference between the two.
As already stated though, only go with things that make YOU comfortable. Don't let someone else dictate what should be.

_____________________________

~~@ cass @~~

(in reply to acctonthelook)

RE: Sadist's? Understanding Needed... - 4/7/2006 10:25:18 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: acctonthelook

You asked me about what I think a person is feeling when they feel abused. Fear, uncertainty, shame, hurt, emotional disstress, confusion, lack of concentration and much more. I have been abused by several ppl in my life mostly emotionally and once physically. I've come to terms and do not feel as if anyone can 'victimize' me again but I also don't want my past to rule my future.

I don't know what your current situation is but if you don't have a partner now, maybe you'll find one that you'll be comfortable enough to experiment a little. He or she won't necessarily need to be a sadist to enjoy whipping your butt a bit (or whatever kind of fun pain you want to try). If you don't want your past to rule your life then you may find that making the choice to participate will remove any sense of being victimized.

As for what the attraction is, I am a sadist and I can tell you it's FUN! I love women too so it's not about that! When we play there is lots of wicked giggling and laughter mixed in with the yelps aand screams. Okay I'm doing most of the laughing ,but not all! Never would I ignore a playmate's safewords or signs of true physiological distress. It would just kill the mood if she fainted or vomited for example. It's much better if she's in a happy mood when we're finished, nudge nudge, wink wink.

Everyone has their own definition of fun. Some boys dress up like girls. Some people like to be furniture and some people like to give or receive pain. There are are almost as many ways to get off as there are people. As long as we're being safe, sane and consensual it's all good.

_____________________________

AngelaK
_______
When choosing between two evils, I always like to pick the one I never tried before.

Mae West

Spanking is love, and scolding is affection.

Chinese Proverb

(in reply to acctonthelook)

RE: Sadist's? Understanding Needed... - 4/7/2006 10:26:02 PM

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I am an occassional true sadist in the clasical sense, I do at times really enjoy causing pain. The tears, the cries, the fear, the power,etc.
The difference comes in when you add in one specific word.
I am an Ethical Sadist, I operate inside specific limits that I have set for myself, the principles are spelled out.

1. I am responsible for the logical consequences of my actions, ALL OF THEM.
2. I practice Sadism with people who give INFORMED CONSENT.
3. I will leave the person RECYCLEABLE
4. I will constatly study my craft and seek ways to make it safer for all involved.
5. I will play within the limits of my skills and when trying something new will communicate that fact to the person I'm working with and take extra precautions.
6. I will make certain that the person I am working with gets something worthwhile out of the work we do together.

Those are the basic ethical statements that I use for my practice of my Sadism.
There is no HATE in my Sadism at all, there is a different expression of my love for the person.

Now I am not only a Sadist I am also a Master (owner of a slave), and a Leather Daddy to a boi. I try to make sure that I practice all of these things in an ethical manner.

The thing you are looking for that allows trust to form and thus fear to leave is the knowledge that the person has a set of ethics yyou beleive in and that you trust tat they actually live by the ethics they profess. If the ethics are in place and integrated into their life, then what they identify as is not a problem of trust. It MAY be a problem of incompatable needs.

In Leather

Archer

(in reply to acctonthelook)

RE: Sadist's? Understanding Needed... - 4/7/2006 10:34:03 PM

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Hello olivia,

I think it's important to remember that everyone is different! There are no hard and fast rules that you have to conform to in order to have a mutually satisfying D/s relationship. you are looking for a one in a milllion person. That means that there are 6,600 perfect people for you in this world! I don't know if that comforts you but it certainly comforts me in my search for the right partner!

I think you need to listen to yourself, and follow your instincts. It sounds like the Dom you mentioned is NOT the right person for you. Please be careful. I enjoy giving pain, but I am sadly aware that some Doms/Dommes enjoy breaking limits. I hope you will give yourself to someone who makes you feel good, someone you trust.

Know yourself. Focus on what you are comfortable with now, and allow it to evolve naturally.

Blessings,
Lady Thornrose

_____________________________

Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.

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RE: Sadist's? Understanding Needed... - 4/7/2006 10:47:58 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: acctonthelook

Right now, I'm finding I'm freightened of becoming involved with someone who has such interests. To me it seems they 'hate' women and just want to use and abuse them.

Can anyone help me better understand their interests and why? What is at the core of them?

Well, I do like to use and abuse my girls, but I don't hate them. It is quite the contrary, in fact. Every female who has ever been at my feet has arrived there due to her earned merits of class, intelligence, depth and ability to selflessly love. She was chosen, and she was made. She was not a random passerby with hips lips and tits that I plucked off the sidewalk and tortured to satiate some raging misogynist pathology.

As to the core of what drives me, I might say it is simply in my nature. It's satisfying physically, mentally and spiritually, just as it is for the slave who serves.

(in reply to acctonthelook)

RE: Sadist's? Understanding Needed... - 4/7/2006 11:15:41 PM

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Hi.
Having 3 dear friends who are seen in the lifestyle as not just merely having a sadistic side to them, but are seen as all out total sadists, I'd like to repeat some things I've learned from them. And some things they've said.

First, S/sadists vary -- a lot! Some don't even consider themselves to be Dominants!
Some are "psychic" sWiTcHes and while inflicting pain are enjoying actually IDENTIFYING with their victim and feel what they are feeling through the ordeal.
To varying degrees it seems there are a lot who are empathic with their victim. On some level this creates an intimacy.
Some ARE women-haters. Some are socio-paths and are people haters in general. Beware!
Some sadists are more likened unto "service tops" and enjoy pleasing masochists at the masochist's request.
Some enjoy knowing that the submissive hates the pain but takes it anyway as a way of proving her/his love and devotion -- the depth of her/his submission is proved. I've been told many S/sadists don't want a masochist, and prefer a wide-eyed innocent submissive or slave.
Some fiercely protect their toy. Others could give a rip! Some understand the concept of AfterCare, others scoff at the thought.
Just be careful.
(oh, btw... I have never "played" with one of my friends. Too scary !! The other 2 had to hold back too much with me for it to be enjoyable for them.)

Good luck,
willowheart

(in reply to LadyThornrose)

RE: Sadist's? Understanding Needed... - 4/7/2006 11:16:21 PM

MySweetSubmssive

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The desire to hurt someone, for me, is the opposite of abuse.

It's when a submissive is feeling most open and vulnerable, and when I'm feeding off of that and feeling loving, that I want to give pain. I say to submissives, "If you hear me say 'I want to slap you,' you know that I'm really happy with you." Having someone accept pain is so much about trust and ... letting go of control. It's such a rush when someone does that. I love it. I like to see someone in the crisis of wanting it to stop, but not asking for that because they want to please me.

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"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

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