A hard question perhaps, but a fair one

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A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 6:28:09 AM

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This one is for the Dommes on the board.

We all have needs and wants, just part of being human. I see alot of dominants in general saying they want x,y, and z from their submissive. My question is, If a sub was to give you x,y, and z, what would you do for them in return?

I think its a fair question. A true relationship involves both people. Yes, there is a certain joy in making that special someone happy, but if one partner is not getting their needs met, they are going to leave.

So, the question stands: What can you, or do you, do for your sub outside of the bdsm side to make him feel special?

< Message edited by youngsubgeoff -- 5/27/2010 7:02:30 AM >

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 6:33:27 AM

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I made sure to find a boy who enjoys the same activities. We're both getting our needs met.

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 6:39:23 AM

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Ok, I rephrased it a bit.

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 6:41:11 AM

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i want the rest of the letters dammit!

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 6:50:29 AM

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For me, it is a question of compatibility and inspiration. To my mind, two people in relationship should inspire the other to meet their needs. In a D/s structure, submission can inspire dominance, dominance can inspire submission. If you have selected someone who is compatible with you, then your meeting Her needs, should hopefully inspire her to meet yours.

But I don't think that it is always a -given-. We are in pursuit of relationships where one party is in charge - thereby meeting of our needs becomes something that is at Her discretion...

But I do think that if we have selected someone who is "right" for us, then the meeting of needs on both sides will not be a burden and things will just seem to flow...

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 6:56:01 AM

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The most important thing you can do for a sub is let him know how special he is to you. Then show him by making sure his needs are met and that he is cared for. Discover what activities he enjoys and incorporate them into your scenes. This really works out well for both if the two people are compatiable and enjoy the same things. Bottom line is that it is still a relationship and both parties should care about well being of each other and be willing to meet each other's needs. BTW- I have found that most Dommes will automatically meet a subs needs once she realizes he is serious, willing to meet her needs and is not just out to use her.

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 7:01:40 AM

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Lady Cimarron and Otter, your both on the right track, (finally, someone gets it lol) but Im talking about on the vanilla side. I'll rephrase again lol

< Message edited by youngsubgeoff -- 5/27/2010 7:03:25 AM >

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 7:14:01 AM

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Your question is really too vague Geoff. There are too many possibilities, all personally geared towards the individuals involved. A special meal, a movie I don't like but know they will, a day spent doing something they love. I really don't see it as any different than a vanilla relationship. Both/all parties wish the other to be happy and fulfilled.

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 7:19:09 AM

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La Tigresse, Thats actually what Im talking about.

Congrats, you answered the question without even trying to

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 8:01:11 AM

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But isn't that kind of obvious?

Most people who enter a relationship do so because they like the other person. If you like someone then you generally want to see them happy. That means you do stuff to make them happy.

You don't stop liking people just because you're dominant-I don't consider this a particularly hard question, if I'm honest.

ETA the words 'do so' because I've just got a tattoo and the endorphins are making it hard to proof-read.

< Message edited by VaguelyCurious -- 5/27/2010 8:02:36 AM >

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 8:32:45 AM

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quote:

So, the question stands: What can you, or do you, do for your sub outside of the bdsm side to make him feel special?

i don't see this as a BDSM issue exclusively. What does anyone do for their partner to make them happy? You know what they like through communication/listening to them and you act on it.

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 8:39:27 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: youngsubgeoff
So, the question stands: What can you, or do you, do for your sub outside of the bdsm side to make him feel special?

Anything. Everything. Ours is a grand romance, and there's nothing I can think of that I wouldn't do to make them happy, or to keep them safe. I'd take a bullet for either of them. without hesitation, though I'd probably have to wrestle my primary for the privilege if he saw it coming.

I communicate honestly and I listen respectfully. We all do. That's the foundation, and the rest is gravy.

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 8:42:38 AM

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Don't you know, youngsubgeoff, a TRUE male sub has no needs or wants, except to provide the domme with the x, y, and z that she wants? Sheez, you must be new here.

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 8:44:31 AM

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And what is he supposed to do, hardbodysub, if what said Domme wants is to spoil him? Huh? HUH?!

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 8:45:33 AM

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The question is a bit broad, Geoff. I am a little confused at what you are wanting to know.

It really is difficult to attempt to explain what encompasses the totality of a dynamic that is three years in the making. I can say that if the compatibility factor wasn't at this level, we wouldn't have lasted this long. For some reason that I honestly can't explain, our wants seem to match up without us intending them to. It's not that I feel terribly astute to the inner workings of another human being. I happen to think much of it is common sense.

People sometimes get confused on the easiest of matters. Sure, it's so easy to spit out that programmed, supposedly intended response of 'the Dominant's needs always come first'. (I have problems with the need vrs want debate, but we'll skip that for now.) Well, how in the hell don't they know that what best serves the Dominant in question that her boy is focused and content? Is he not going to serve better, be more dedicated, more loyal to the woman who takes him to exactly where he needs to be, even if he doesn't know it?

Too quickly, people will say that is catering to the submissive, but it really isn't. I would say it has everything to do with recognizing that I am not an island in the dynamic.

< Message edited by LadyPact -- 5/27/2010 8:46:40 AM >

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 9:06:23 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

And what is he supposed to do, hardbodysub, if what said Domme wants is to spoil him? Huh? HUH?!

So much of the porn and writing out there is full of the woman being some total superior-minded hating bitch, despising the male and wanting to hurt him, punish him, make him feel like the "worm that he is"...blech...that stuff is pervasive and it is easy to start thinking down that road because it appears that is what is -expected-...

Thank you for pointing out that reality for most is very very different.

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 9:07:30 AM

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I can't even begin to answer this question other than to say it depends on the individual. If you've ever head of the Five Love Languages, then you know that one person may need touch to feel special while another needs to be told verbally. I will sometimes have a partner take the love language quiz to see which one they choose so I can keep it in mind for future reference.

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 9:08:06 AM

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Life isn't quid pro quo. I work to make the people that I love happy, regardless of what they "do" for me. Picking up some favourite food while I am out shopping, sending some article of interest that I ran across on the interwebs, renting a movie they might like, doing some activity with them that THEY adore but I can take or leave... Just the things people do for each other, or SHOULD.

(Yeah, I said SHOULD.)

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 9:12:31 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

And what is he supposed to do, hardbodysub, if what said Domme wants is to spoil him? Huh? HUH?!

I guess he'll just have to grin and bear it, no matter how much it doesn't hurt.

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RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one - 5/27/2010 9:15:40 AM

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I think the biggest disconnect is that so many get caught up in the porn/media image, get so turned on by that and begin accepting it as some sort of reality that they cannot begin to imagine what reality actually is. They get wound so tight, so focused on the pretty pictures, so to speak, that they almost ruin themselves for the real thing. "Oh look at the beautiful, cold, evil dominatrix! Look at her treating that lucky man like a worm. I want to BE that worm!!!!!!!" and tighter and tighter they get wound.

They don't think about reality, that no matter how exciting that image is, they wouldn't really be happy in a 24/7 relationship like that. But, because it is so very different than 'vanilla' they almost lose the ability to meld the two into a realistic sustaining relationship. They end up looking for something that doesn't really exist and wouldn't make them happy, even if it did.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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