RE: Really, Really Bad Advice

RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (Full Version)

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VandalHeart -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/26/2006 2:32:45 AM)
Nah, if you go to the police station after your first job, they'll put you in the town paper for free!!! It's the first job that's hard to land. You can stand outside of Dick Cheney's window with a shirt that says "Cheney Friend/Quail" on it, and you will be fucked, but you might not get paid.

Gauge -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/26/2006 12:08:11 PM)
I have to take my disabled mother to the doctor. The doctors office does not have handicapped accessability. Are there any suggestions as to how I can get her in and out of that office easily?

HouseofBear -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/26/2006 7:54:19 PM)
Just pull your car up on the sidewalk, right in front of the door. Make sure your handicapped sign is well displayed, and you can bet the cops will leave your car alone. I want to take something to the bbq I am going to next week that everyone will love and talk about for weeks afterwards. What should I take?

Evanesce -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/26/2006 8:00:30 PM)
quote: I want to take something to the bbq I am going to next week that everyone will love and talk about for weeks afterwards. What should I take? Your latest home movies. Everyone loves watching someone else's home movies - especially the pornos. I'm having guests over next weekend and have too much to do to prepare for their arrival. How can I make sure I don't overlook anything and that dinner is a success?

VandalHeart -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/26/2006 10:35:37 PM)
Hire a tteam of gay Chipendales, pay them double, and get geared up for the arrivals. As long as you can put up with the lispy "hey, are you sure these curtains go with the decor?" you should be fine. Besides, it will at least give you something to look at while you get ready. My roommate and play partner are playing practical jokes on me. I need a good way to get back at them. Any suggestions?

Gauge -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/27/2006 7:40:30 AM)
quote: My roommate and play partner are playing practical jokes on me. I need a good way to get back at them. Any suggestions? Sure I do. Strap them to your sofa in front of the TV and make them watch nothing but speeches from George W. Bush for three days. That should get them back. There is a big festival by my house this weekend and parking may be a problem. Any suggestions for finding a decent parking spot?

Lidh2l -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/27/2006 7:49:07 AM)
Tear down the next door neighbor's house. It's not like they matter. Make sure someone lives there. It's even better if they're home at the time. Nothing says "PARTY!!!" like viscera. We need to quit smoking. The patches have not worked, the gum has not worked, and the pills make us angry and homicidal. Any suggestions on how we can go about this, besides a smart-ass comment about lube?

Gauge -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/27/2006 10:30:37 AM)
quote: We need to quit smoking. The patches have not worked, the gum has not worked, and the pills make us angry and homicidal. Any suggestions on how we can go about this, besides a smart-ass comment about lube? Yes, I have one. Fill your mouth and nose with quick drying cement. This way you will not be able to inhale any smoke thus ending your craving for smoking. My Dad is going to get another dog. He is not sure what kind to get. Any recommendations?

MadameDahlia -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/27/2006 11:12:04 AM)
A living one. They play fetch better. Though there is that whole car chasing problem. I don't sleep well at night. I think my mattress may be the cause. Should I get a new one or sleep on the couch as a more cost efficient means of solving the problem?

Gauge -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/27/2006 4:22:22 PM)
quote: I don't sleep well at night. I think my mattress may be the cause. Should I get a new one or sleep on the couch as a more cost efficient means of solving the problem? The problem with mattresses is that they contain springs. Springs bounce. Therefore the reason you are not sleeping well is you are bouncing while you sleep. Now, there are a few ways to solve this problem. One is to throw lag bolts through your hands and feet and bolt yourself to the bed. The second thing you can do is to Krazy Glue yourself to the bed. The final one, and this is a little extreme is to put one ton of bricks on top of your mattress, compressing the springs and then the springs won't bounce you around at night. Good luck to you and have a wonderful nights rest. I keep thinking I hear something in my closet. I live alone so I know that it isn't human. Any thoughts as to what it could be and what I can do to get rid of it?

HouseofBear -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/27/2006 8:18:48 PM)
Probably rats, so the best thing to do is go get 6 cats, do not feed them for about two days, then lock them up in your closet. I bet they will fix the problem. After about 6 hours, let them out and make sure to reach out to pet them for their good work as they are leaving the closet. I wish my house had about 5 more bedrooms. So how do I go about enlarging it?

LaMalinche -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/27/2006 8:52:33 PM)
Get some gasoline and some matches. Put aresole cans in the microwave. Turn the stove on and plug in and turn on all electrical appliances. Spread the gasoline around, turn the microwave on and throw matches through your front door. The insurance company will be happy to build you a larger home, especially if someone dies in the fire. I keep hearing bells? What should I do to stop the ringing?

Petruchio -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/27/2006 9:42:38 PM)
quote: I keep hearing bells? What should I do to stop the ringing? Take off your nipple jewelry. I'm watching Roy Orbison in Black & White on PBS. How do I tune in color?

Gauge -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/27/2006 10:20:16 PM)
quote: I'm watching Roy Orbison in Black & White on PBS. How do I tune in color? Well, it is pretty easy, but it gets tiring. Use magic markers and sit in front of the TV screen and color in the pictures as they move around. Now, you have to be fast and a good artist because the images do not stand still all the time. I don't ever want to do laundry again. Help me make this possible.

Petruchio -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/27/2006 10:25:02 PM)
quote: I don't ever want to do laundry again. Help me make this possible. Go naked! Unfortunately, when I go nude, women scream and men faint. What must I do?

VandalHeart -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/27/2006 11:03:48 PM)
Recite ancient incantations and pulla body switch with someone attractive. I'm having trouble waking up when my alarm goes off / phone rings. How can I stop sleeping so deeply?

Wolf1020 -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/27/2006 11:05:29 PM)
quote: Unfortunately, when I go nude, women scream and men faint. What must I do? Cover your scream and faint inducing parts with extra sticky duct tape. I keep getting annoying songs stuck in my head. How should I get rid of them?

Emperor1956 -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/28/2006 1:25:03 AM)
quote: I keep getting annoying songs stuck in my head. How should I get rid of them? Get an IPod. Take those little white fluffy headphones and drive a 2 3/4" Roofing Nail thru each of the headphone speakers WITH THE POINTY PART FACING IN. Put on the headphones. Voila, no annoying songs. The railroad runs thru the middle of the house, and its making it hard for me to assemble my pipe bomb collection. How do I stop the annoying vibrations?

LadyJulieAnn -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/28/2006 7:00:23 AM)
Put a "STOP" sign up in front of your house and then wave the train through slowly. I have vertigo but like to ride merry-go-rounds that spin in the opposite direction. How can I avoid feeling like I am going in two directions?

Petruchio -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (5/28/2006 11:35:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyJulieAnn I have vertigo but like to ride merry-go-rounds that spin in the opposite direction. How can I avoid feeling like I am going in two directions? From a physics standpoint, you ARE going in multiple directions at once. Since it's difficult to stop the Earth from revolving and rotating, simply turn the carousel on its side like a ferris wheel. Cling tightly with your knees so that you don't slide off the pony. I would like to see a carousel which has nude human figures to ride. How should the figures be positioned on the merry-go-round?

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