RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a femdom?

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/24/2010 8:25:12 AM

Posts: 3044
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From: Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Some people think I am talking about a sub buying a strap on harness for a woman once he meets her; I am not talking about that. I am talking about finding out a sub has a strap on harness and has never had a femdom partner or even met a femdom in real life. I mean of all the things he could spend $75 on - a strapon harness for a woman he hasn't met yet? It's a dealbreaker for me on the creepy factor.

Akasha

Still, I am not finding it creepy and I dont think you need to be a femdom to use a strap on. They are only 75$?

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/24/2010 8:28:20 AM

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LOL ..... of all things to bitch about.

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/24/2010 8:31:21 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Some people think I am talking about a sub buying a strap on harness for a woman once he meets her; I am not talking about that. I am talking about finding out a sub has a strap on harness and has never had a femdom partner or even met a femdom in real life. I mean of all the things he could spend $75 on - a strapon harness for a woman he hasn't met yet? It's a dealbreaker for me on the creepy factor.

I had the impression you tend to go for quite young blokes, Akasha. Callow youths tend to get a lot of things wince-inducingly wrong - I know I did. Why's this example so different?

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/24/2010 8:50:15 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Think about that one. How many folks have told you things (especially about kink) that you didn't specifically ask to hear about?

Indeed, I've gotten more than enough of my share of that. But, I just can't imagine being stupid enough to just voluntarily break it out at a coffee meet, and assuming that the response would be "now YEAH, THIS is the tool I must have", then sharing that he's kept it in his secret memorial shrine, surrounded by other precious femdom keepsakes and scented luminary candles in his mother's basement.

Oh, wait.

I take that back...

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/24/2010 8:54:12 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Some people think I am talking about a sub buying a strap on harness for a woman once he meets her; I am not talking about that. I am talking about finding out a sub has a strap on harness and has never had a femdom partner or even met a femdom in real life. I mean of all the things he could spend $75 on - a strapon harness for a woman he hasn't met yet? It's a dealbreaker for me on the creepy factor.

I had the impression you tend to go for quite young blokes, Akasha. Callow youths tend to get a lot of things wince-inducingly wrong - I know I did. Why's this example so different?

This isn't a young guy, he is near my age. It happened during the point of exploration where it was not asked, but offered up, as in "I don't have a lot of experience so I am not jaded and can be molded, the only toys I own are x, y and z and they have never been used."

I am not talking to him anymore.

Akasha

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/24/2010 9:07:40 AM

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"I can be molded"!!

Yeah, and he brought the mold!

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/24/2010 10:13:03 AM

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Fair enough. I find fungal complaints a bit of a turn-off, too.

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/24/2010 11:22:32 AM

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From: California Girl
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"If the sub wants to gift the mistress, he can take her shopping for her to chose or otherwise foot the bill for it. That's a gift."
Perfectly stated.
Unasked for can equal never used.
Oh, I had a small box of 'what the?' unused toys that I cheerfully donated to My local play group.

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(in reply to PeonForHer)

RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/24/2010 11:36:53 AM

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if a sub has his own toys- nice.

that means that its less work for me in a sense. I've never been too fond of a submissive/slave who has never taken the time to venture out into that type of play on their own, but will wait around forever and a day for a femdomme to come along.

HOWEVER...

if after just speaking online for a few days/only met once(lets say in a vanilla anner for all intents and purpose), the sub/slave says, "oh by the way, i got this 9 inch, strap on dildo and harness for you" without even knowing i'm into strap on play OR if i want to do it on THEM, then i have a problem.

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/24/2010 3:07:54 PM

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I don't much want something going in my ass. However, if something were going to go in my ass I'd prefer to know that it wasn't going to go into anyone else's ass.

I would not think that presenting this as a gift to his mistress is appropriate, it is obviously a gift for him, however letting her know that he owns it and would like it used on him seems perfectly appropriate to me.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/24/2010 3:25:16 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DommeKeliDallas

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

I have a pet peeve about subs buying 'gifts' for femdoms in the way of toys (to be used on him), but I think a lot of femdoms do also. Something I am not a big fan of but accept that there's some reasoning behind it, for self play and exploration, is when a sub buys lots of toys like plugs or vibes or whatever. I understand self bondage and self play, so that's understandable.

I can't quite get my head around subs buying chastity devices and being totally independent using them - ie, they wear it 100% for themselves with no femdom in sight, not even via email. I guess it's another form of self play...so ok, I get it.

But what about a sub that buys a strap on harness w/dildo - a toy he has no intent to use, at all, on himself - a toy that he bought "for" his Mistress, but he has no Mistress. In other words, he's just waiting, until he meets her, then at some point will say, "Oh hey I got this.." and not only did he get it "for" her, he got it..before he met her.

Is this preparedness on the part of the sub, and good for him. Or is it inappropriate, and probably not something to tell a woman he's met?

Akasha

He is a TOP masquerading as a sub.
He is a "DO-ME" sub and they are the worst kind.
Boorish and insufferable.

If some submeat came to me dragging his toy behind him, and I didn't tell him to bring one, I would whatever I wanted to do to him for a hot session and not even deal with his inappropriate "TOPPING FROM THE BOTTOM" behavior.
WHO IS IN CONTROL HERE???

Aren't you a Pro Domme? If I go to someone to provide a professional service and she refuses to do so in the manner that I request I am personally going to request my money back. Admittedly, I'm a Dom so I wouldn't go to a pro Domme anyways, but I figure if he's paying for it he should be able to determine what he is paying for.

(in reply to DommeKeliDallas)

RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/24/2010 4:24:12 PM

submissivemale22

Posts: 428
Joined: 3/4/2008
From: CinCity
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Some people think I am talking about a sub buying a strap on harness for a woman once he meets her; I am not talking about that. I am talking about finding out a sub has a strap on harness and has never had a femdom partner or even met a femdom in real life. I mean of all the things he could spend $75 on - a strapon harness for a woman he hasn't met yet? It's a dealbreaker for me on the creepy factor.

I had the impression you tend to go for quite young blokes, Akasha. Callow youths tend to get a lot of things wince-inducingly wrong - I know I did. Why's this example so different?

This isn't a young guy, he is near my age. It happened during the point of exploration where it was not asked, but offered up, as in "I don't have a lot of experience so I am not jaded and can be molded, the only toys I own are x, y and z and they have never been used."

I am not talking to him anymore.

Akasha

i don't know if i would go as far as "creepy" (i've learned in other threads that one must be judicious when using that adjective)... but i can definitely see how it is a major turn-off. The mere fact that he purchased it on his own volition indicates it is something he himself wants; expecting you to indulge in his desire isn't exactly the most submissive of things to do... and beyond that, i would expect the knowledge that he desires it potentially kills any enjoyment you might get out of the exercise.

< Message edited by submissivemale22 -- 6/24/2010 4:27:14 PM >

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/24/2010 4:34:19 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: submissivemale22

i don't know if i would go as far as "creepy" (i've learned in other threads that one must be judicious when using that adjective)... but i can definitely see how it is a major turn-off. The mere fact that he purchased it on his own volition indicates it is something he himself wants; expecting you to indulge in his desire isn't exactly the most submissive of things to do... and beyond that, i would expect the knowledge that he desires it potentially kills any enjoyment you might get out of the exercise.

He didn't buy it with the expectation of me using it with him. That's the point. That's pushy, but not creepy.

He bought it before he knew me (a year ago, I think he said). He bought it before he met ANY femdom in real life. Ever.

That's creepy.

Akasha

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/24/2010 4:40:55 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: submissivemale22

i don't know if i would go as far as "creepy" (i've learned in other threads that one must be judicious when using that adjective)... but i can definitely see how it is a major turn-off. The mere fact that he purchased it on his own volition indicates it is something he himself wants; expecting you to indulge in his desire isn't exactly the most submissive of things to do... and beyond that, i would expect the knowledge that he desires it potentially kills any enjoyment you might get out of the exercise.

He didn't buy it with the expectation of me using it with him. That's the point. That's pushy, but not creepy.

He bought it before he knew me (a year ago, I think he said). He bought it before he met ANY femdom in real life. Ever.

That's creepy.

Akasha

If he had never met any femdom ever then he's obviously quite inexperienced. His physical age is sort of beside the point. You can't really think it is creepy that he considered the fact that part of it would go inside him but did not consider that the harness is also a rather personal item. After all, the penetration of the dildo is a bit more obviously personal.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/24/2010 4:41:08 PM

submissivemale22

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From: CinCity
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: submissivemale22

i don't know if i would go as far as "creepy" (i've learned in other threads that one must be judicious when using that adjective)... but i can definitely see how it is a major turn-off. The mere fact that he purchased it on his own volition indicates it is something he himself wants; expecting you to indulge in his desire isn't exactly the most submissive of things to do... and beyond that, i would expect the knowledge that he desires it potentially kills any enjoyment you might get out of the exercise.

He didn't buy it with the expectation of me using it with him. That's the point. That's pushy, but not creepy.

He bought it before he knew me (a year ago, I think he said). He bought it before he met ANY femdom in real life. Ever.

That's creepy.

Akasha

No, i totally get that AAkasha... I'm just offering an additional interpretation of what i find wrong with the issue.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/24/2010 8:50:10 PM

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From: Northern New Jersey
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FR

I think a lot depends on what each individual is lookig for. If two people are looking for a relationship, then that is pretty minor to write someone otherwise "viable" for. If each is looking for nothing more than a playmate, even then someone who is inexperienced may not realize it might be unacceptable. As for the person who mentioned someone being a pro domme, he is completely right about the client being entitled to get what he is paying for.

But for those looking for relationships, no matter how much you might like to believe it is all about you and nothing but you, that doesn't make a successful relationship. Both parties need to get something out of it.

The inability to explain to the "newbie" why such a thing feels inappropriate to you says a lot about you. As many have said, if you chose NOT to use it, then don't use it. But especially in the "getting to know you phase," it isn't all about you. That is where communication starts.

ETA: Admittedly, I'm not big on the whole strap on thing, but it is a bit disconcerting that the guy was given no explanation about why that might be inappropriate, especially since he was inexperienced. What other "newbie" mistakes would he make that you would summarily dismiss him for?

< Message edited by LafayetteLady -- 6/24/2010 8:51:55 PM >

(in reply to submissivemale22)

RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/25/2010 1:36:08 AM

ranja

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

He didn't buy it with the expectation of me using it with him. That's the point. That's pushy, but not creepy.

He bought it before he knew me (a year ago, I think he said). He bought it before he met ANY femdom in real life. Ever.

That's creepy.

Akasha

it is not creepy, i think you are being paranoid... maybe if you prefer a young bloke with a hard limit of butt penetration, so you can 'break' him... then indeed this man was not a good match for you.

Have you never bought a nice dress because you liked it... and then found there was no occasion to wear it too?
And when the right occasion presented itself, would you then feel creepy for wearing the dress? tidididi tidididi

i think many people who have problems with so called 'selfish do-me subs' are a bit insecure really

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/25/2010 2:16:19 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja

Have you never bought a nice dress because you liked it... and then found there was no occasion to wear it too?

Buying a dress for a partner you don't yet have when you'd never in your life attended any formal social occasion and don't yet have either said partner or any formal social occasion to go to (which is the parallel to AAkasha's situation) would be a bit odd, though...

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RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/25/2010 2:31:01 AM

ranja

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you miss the point... it is not the future partner you buy the dress or the harness for, just the occasion (if it will present itself) and indeed any partner that might be going with you to the party or enjoy the breaking in of the harness will be of secondary importance when buying the item... it is bought because of a liking for it, not as a 'gift' for a future partner, it is a personal thing.
I think that anybody who thinks that something was bought for them before they even knew this person are realy spinning off the chart and giving themselves way too much importance.

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

RE: Subs that buy a strap on harness - before he met a ... - 6/25/2010 2:58:20 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja
Have you never bought a nice dress because you liked it... and then found there was no occasion to wear it too?
And when the right occasion presented itself, would you then feel creepy for wearing the dress? tidididi tidididi

i think many people who have problems with so called 'selfish do-me subs' are a bit insecure really

That would make complete sense if the guy who bought the dress was the one who was going to wear it.

Exactly how many males out there who aren't into wearing women's clothes for themselves and do not have a partner have a dress in their closet just in case he finds himself a date and there might be an occasion to wear it?

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(in reply to ranja)

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